Today in History: March 9

On this day in 1796, Napoleon married his first wife. Said the priest: “You may now stand on your tippy toes to kiss the bride.”

On this day in 1961, Russia used Sputnik 9 to launch a dummy into space. When asked what’s next, Russia said, “Getting one elected.”

On this day in 1960, Dr. Belding Hibbard Scribner implanted a shunt into a patient, allowing them to receive hemodialysis. Said Belding Hibbard Scribner, “This almost makes up for having three last names.”

On this day in 1959, Barbie made her debut. When she met Ken, she said, “Is it cold in here, orrr….”

On this day in 1979, women were allowed into the locker room to interview Major League Baseball players. Some men called it a violation of privacy – but not Ken!

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today Day in History: March 8

On this day in 1993, Beavis and Butt-Head premiered on MTV. The show brought fame to Beavis and Butt-Head – and shame to their sister, Ivanka.

On this day in 1950, the VW Bus went into production. Volkswagon called it perfect for families – or stoners solving crimes with their dog.

On this day in 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammed Ali in a bout dubbed “The Fight of the Century.” Not to be confused with the next “Fight of the Century,” which ocurred in the bridal section of TJ Maxx.

On this day in 1959, anchorman Lester Holt was born. Or as he broke the news: “This just out.”

On this day in 1981, there was a massive nuclear leak at a power plant in Japan, spilling 16 tons of waste into Wakasa Bay. To which Godzilla said, “I’m getting too old for this shit…”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 7

On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. And five minutes later, he got his first spam call.

On this day in 1962, The Beatles made their broadcast debut on BBC Radio. They performed “Dream Baby,” “Please Mr. Postman,” and “1-877-KARS-4-KIDS.”

On this day in 1999, legendary director Stanley Kubrick died. But he had to do 47 takes until he got it right.

On this day in 2010, Kathryn Bigelow defeated her ex-husband, James Cameron, to win Best Director. In her speech, she thanked the other nominees, “even if they have bad breath, ear hair, and snore every night.”

On this day in 2003, Broadway musicians went on strike for four days. While no one was home, the cast of Cats clawed the seats and pooped all over the theater.   

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 6

On this day in 1475, Michelangelo was born. He is remembered to the world as a brilliant artist; he is remembered by Americans as a party dude.

On this day in 1985, Mike Tyson made his professional boxing debut. Fans described the moment as “impressive,” while Tyson described it as “imprethive.”

On this day in 1981, anchorman Walter Cronkite signed off for the final time. Rather than his trademark “And that’s the way it is,” Cronkite chose the more personal, “See ya in Cancun, suckers!”

On this day in 1986, artist Georgia O’Keefe died. In lieu of flowers, her family asked that you look closely at some until you need a cold shower.

On this day in 1972, Shaquille O’Neal was born. Marking the first baby to pick up the doctor and give him a spanking.

Enjoy the present…and don’t forget…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 5

Today in 1960, the iconic photo of Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara was taken. Guevera described it as perfect for the biggest stoner in your dorm to hang on his wall.

Today in 1929, car manufacturer David Buick died. But then someone gave him a jump and he started back up.

Today in 1868, the impeachment trial of Andrew Johnson began. The proceedings were led by Thaddeus Stevens, John Covode, and Bernie Sanders.

Today in 1963, the Hula Hoop was patented. After seeing its massive success, toymakers said, “Wow – kids are dumb!”

Today in 1969, Miami officials charged Jim Morrison with indecent exposure. Or to put it another way, they impeached another Johnson.

Enjoy the present. And don’t forget…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 4

On this day in 1974, the first issue of People magazine came out. And on this day in 1991, your dentist finally removed it from his waiting room.

On this day in 1952, Hemingway finished “The Old Man and the Sea.” Which beats its original title: “Ernest Goes Fishing.”

On this day in 2005, Martha Stewart was released from prison. But thanks to her, dozens of inmates know how to crochet a shiv.

On this day in 1963, The Beach Boys released “Surfin’ USA,” which fantasizes about everyone having an ocean. And thanks to decades of drivers having fun, fun, fun in their 409s…they might.

On this day in 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated. After taking the oath, he turned to his wife Mary and gave her a long, passionate handshake.

Enjoy the present. And don’t forget - The Garden’s Always Greener.

Just Some Jokes

President Biden recently signed with CAA. But it got kinda weird when he said, “Will you guys read my ‘Rick & Morty’ script?”

Disney World has closed its Hall of Presidents attraction for “refurbishing.” I guess it’s taking longer than expected to build both Trump and Musk.

Elon Musk demanded all federal workers provide a detailed description of five things they did all week. Which backfired, when he received a letter from the Oval Office saying, “Golf, golf, golf, golf, golf.”

Elon Musk recently fathered his thirteenth child. So, at least one of his rockets is launching.

Elon Musk has 13 kids! I guess he figures the best way to make new friends is to literally make new friends.

Bernie Sanders is on his “Fighting Oligarchy” tour. He speaks for about an hour – then, it’s time to crowd surf. (BERNIE, CROWDSURFING) “Please be gentle! This is my only suit!”

President Trump says he might take over the U.S. Postal Service. Though it’ll get awkward when he licks a stamp, then pays it to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

Baseball great Alex Rodriguez nailed a $10,000 halfcourt shot at a college basketball game. Said A-Rod, “Finally – a shot I don’t have to lie about!”

For Valentine’s Day, Travis Kelce spent $100,000 on Taylor Swift. Yep – he bought her a front row ticket to see Taylor Swift.

JetBlue is offering refunds to people who experience high rainfall on JetBlue vacations. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is giving customers one poncho to share if the plane’s missing its roof.

An Australian couple was forced to sit next to a corpse for several hours after a passenger died midflight. Or as people seated next to babies, salesmen, or someone eating tunafish put it, “Wanna trade?”

Orlando International Airport could soon have flying cars to transport commuters. Because when I look at the news involving airports lately, I think: “Let’s add cars to the mix.”

There was another near miss, when a Southwest plane narrowly avoided a collision with a private jet in Chicago. At this point, even geese are like, “You know what? We’ll just walk.”

Over 300,000 Teslas were recalled due to faulty steering. When asked if the cars are safe to drive back, Tesla said, “Sure, as long as your horn works.”

North Korea is believed to be responsible for stealing one billion dollars from crypto collectors. In related news…which side are we supposed to root for?

Out this weekend was the Stephen King horror film “The Monkey.” It holds a respectable 77% on Rotten Tomatoes – and a suspicious 1,000,000% on Rotten Bananas.

Happy Birthday to George Thorogood, who turned 75 years old. You can tell he’s getting up there by his new song: “One Bourbon, One Scotch, Five Ensures.”

In Columbia, a man was busted with $10,000 worth of cocaine stashed in his toupee. Which explains that new saying: “Just Say No to Rugs.”

Some Jokes Written Whilst Dog-Walking

Recently, I was lucky to be a guest on A Typical Disgusting Display, which is one of my favorite podcasts. Inspired by Goldy on an earlier episode, I wrote a few jokes while walking the dogs. Again, merely the best I could do dog-walking. Here now they are:

Kamala Harris picked 60-year-old Tim Walz as her running mate. When asked why she didn’t pick someone younger than her, Harris said, “I’ve seen that backfire.”

71 percent of Americans had never heard of Tim Walz. In fact, even Tim Walz spent the morning Googling “Tim Walz.”

Most Americans have never heard of Tim Walz. Which means he’ll also be hosting the Golden Globes.

Walz is a former high school sports coach. So now we have one running mate known for coaching, and another known for couching.

Walz is an avid hunter from Minnesota. And even he hasn’t killed as much wildlife as RFK Jr.

RFK Jr. admitted to dumping a dead bear in Central Park on his way to the airport. Which beats his first plan: telling the airline it was his “emotional support dead bear.”

He picked it up on the road, drove it around for a while, then ditched it in the park. Incidentally, that’s what most people wind up doing to RFK Jr. “You want to hear my theory on how the Amish created poison ivy? Hey, why are we pulling over…”

He grabbed the bear, drove it around for a while, then dumped it in the park. Welp, there goes my Paddington/Sopranos fan fic.

RFK found it while he was hunting hawk and kept the bear meat to eat after dinner at a steakhouse. Hawk, bear, and cow – which explains his Secret Service codename: The McRib. (The Hot Dog? The Slim Jim??)

RFK admitted he was behind the dead bear found in Central Park ten years ago. And if you think that’s crazy, wait’ll you hear his story behind this:

This is true: RFK Jr. once ditched a dead bear in Central Park. It even inspired an episode of that short-lived show, “Paw & Order.”

People are keeping an eye on Hurricane Debby. By the way, “Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt after her second chardonnay.

“Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt when they toss the bouquet.

“Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt when Michael Bublé tickets go on sale.

The storm is likely to avoid Texas. So it does not appear Debby will do Dallas.

Aerosmith announced they’re retiring from the road. They’ll donate their wardrobe to the Rock Hall of Fame, and their eyeliner to J.D. Vance.

At the Olympics, gymnast Simone Biles took silver in her final floor event. Taking gold: me, walking over my daughter’s Legos.

The U.S. men’s basketball team continues to dominate. But there was an awkward moment when they asked a spectator for his ticket and it was Jayson Tatum.

Back in the States: the Red Sox beat the Royals, the Mets topped the Cardinals, and RFK Jr. killed the Cubs.

Speaking of sports, don’t forget about The Garden’s Always Greener. More info below!!

JOKES

A physician in Ohio was recognized as the world’s oldest doctor, at 101 years old. When asked why he’s still a doctor, he said: “Because I’m too young to be president.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has suggested building a prison next to Disney World. Or as kids call that, “EPCOT.”

President Trump reportedly kept farting during his trial. On the bright side, he finally got something passed.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says a worm ate a small piece of his brain. Said his uncle, John, “Wow - sounds AWFUL. (A WHOLE WORM is in his brain? So painful!)”

O.J. Simpson died at age 76 from cancer. Meanwhile, the cancer was acquitted of murder, but convicted of trying to steal some football memorabilia.

Before he died, O.J. Simpson revealed the woman he had been dating. By speeding away from her home and catching a flight to Chicago.

Bernie Sanders has launched an investigation into workplace injuries at Amazon. While Bernie’s neighbors asked him to close his windows, so his voice doesn’t activate their Alexas.

Experts say millennials will have to pay an 8% mortgage rate to own a home. Said millennials: “Wait, people actually own their homes?”

The Real Housewives are threatening to go on strike. You know things are bad when people who don’t even work are leaving their jobs.

During last year’s strikes, Jay Leno brought donuts to writers on the picket line. Then Ellen drove by and threw some coffee at them.

Hooters is offering free wings for moms on Mother’s Day. When asked if they’ll do that for Father’s Day, waitresses said: “What are fathers?”

A video captured biologists helping a humpback whale that was tangled in a rope and anchor. They kept pulling and pulling and, long story short, we have to bury bin Laden again.

Experts are teaching people in Japan to smile after years of wearing COVID masks. While experts are teaching people in Germany to smile after years of being German.

Vice News went bankrupt. I haven’t seen a Vice that close to death since January 6th.

ESPN laid off 7,000 employees. Or as ESPN said, “Congrats - you are all free agents.”

On their new album, The Rolling Stones are joined by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr. Paul did a wonderful job singing, and Ringo did an amazing job listening.

Aerosmith is coming off the road after Steven Tyler damaged his vocal cords. When asked how long they’ve been damaged, he said, “Since 1975.”

There’s a 10-acre corn maze in New Jersey that has a Barbie theme. And if they want to make popcorn, they’ll change it to an “Oppenheimer” theme.

The man behind the viral blue dress/gold dress internet phenomenon is accused of trying to kill his spouse. He’s being represented by the law firm of Laurel & Yanny.

There’s a new longevity clinic that charges $100,000. To keep you alive just long enough to pay back the longevity clinic.

Happy Birthday to Cyndi Lauper, who turned 70 years old! Which explains her new song: “Girls Just Wanna Watch Wheel of Fortune and Go to Bed.”

Happy Birthday to Kenny G. His party was held in the fanciest elevator in town.

France has banned short airline flights to combat toxic emissions. Then everyone in the country went back to smoking 500 cigarettes a day.

An Arizona woman survived being stung 75 times by bees during a family photo shoot. Even stranger – the photo shoot was at a JC Penney.

George and Kellyanne Conway filed for divorce. I was sorry to hear about them – because I had almost forgotten about them.

Researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu. Not only that – researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu.

Today is National Peanut Butter Day! I would celebrate, but I’m allergic to made-up holidays.

Taco Bell is holding a vote on whether to bring back the Beefy Crunch Burrito or the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Marking one time every American will actually vote.

Scientists have noticed the weather has changed on Uranus. The cause? Eating both a Beefy Crunch Burrito and a Dorito Locos Taco.

A Few Jokes from "News on the Nines" on Rineman in the Morning in 2023

A physician in Ohio was recognized as the world’s oldest doctor, at 101 years old. When asked why he’s still a doctor, he said: “Because I’m too young to be president.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has suggested building a prison next to Disney World. Or as kids call that, “EPCOT.”

Bernie Sanders has launched an investigation into workplace injuries at Amazon. While Bernie’s neighbors asked him to close his windows, so his voice doesn’t activate their Alexas.

Experts say millennials will have to pay an 8% mortgage rate to own a home. Said millennials: “Wait, people actually own their homes?”

The Real Housewives are threatening to go on strike. You know things are bad when people who don’t even work are leaving their jobs.

Jay Leno brought donuts to striking writers on the picket line. Then Ellen drove by and threw some coffee at them.

Hooters is offering free wings for moms on Mother’s Day. When asked if they’ll do that for Father’s Day, waitresses said: “What are fathers?”

A video captured biologists helping a humpback whale that was tangled in a rope and anchor. They kept pulling and pulling and, long story short, we have to bury bin Laden again.

There’s a senior citizen version of “The Bachelor.” When a date goes poorly, someone will leave in a limo. But if it goes really well, they’ll leave in a hearse.

Experts are teaching people in Japan to smile after years of wearing COVID masks. While experts are teaching people in Germany to smile after years of being German.

Vice News is going bankrupt. I haven’t seen a Vice that close to doom since January 6th.

ESPN laid off 7,000 employees. Or as ESPN said, “Congrats - you are all free agents.”

On their new album, The Rolling Stones are joined by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr. Paul did a wonderful job singing, and Ringo did an amazing job listening.

Aerosmith is coming off the road after Steven Tyler damaged his vocal cords. When asked how long they’ve been damaged, he said, “Since 1975.”

There’s a 10-acre corn maze in New Jersey that has a Barbie theme. And if they want to make popcorn, they’ll change it to an “Oppenheimer” theme.

The man behind the viral blue dress/gold dress internet phenomenon is accused of trying to kill his spouse. He’s being represented by the law firm of Laurel & Yanny.

There’s a new longevity clinic that charges $100,000. To keep you alive just long enough to pay back the longevity clinic.

Happy Birthday to Cyndi Lauper, who turned 70 years old! Which explains her new song: “Girls Just Wanna Watch Wheel of Fortune and Go to Bed.”

Happy Birthday to Kenny G. His party was held in the fanciest elevator in town.

France has banned short airline flights to combat toxic emissions. Then everyone in the country went back to smoking 500 cigarettes a day.

An Arizona woman survived being stung 75 times by bees during a family photo shoot. Even stranger – the photo shoot was at a JC Penney.

George and Kellyanne Conway filed for divorce. I was sorry to hear about them – because I had almost forgotten about them.

Researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu. Not only that – researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu.

Today is National Peanut Butter Day! I would celebrate, but I’m allergic to made-up holidays.

Taco Bell is holding a vote on whether to bring back the Beefy Crunch Burrito or the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Marking one time every American will actually vote.

Scientists have noticed the weather has changed on Uranus. The cause? Eating both a Beefy Crunch Burrito and a Dorito Locos Taco.

Some January Jokes from "Rineman in the Morning"

Congressman George Santos claims he got both knees replaced after being a volleyball star in college. But he says he had to put off the surgery because he was pregnant.

Classified documents were found stuffed away in President Biden’s garage. Said Trump, “He has a toilet in his garage?”

After a grand jury in Georgia finished its election fraud investigation, and President Trump could be indicted. Which makes Trump the first guy to disguise himself by taking OFF a wig.

In California, mudslides forced Prince Harry to evacuate his home. And today, he brought a suitcase to Buckingham Palace and said, “You guys don’t watch ’60 Minutes,’ do you?”

A program can help you lose weight by electrocution. The way it works is, you die.

And after pleading guilty of fraud, “Real Housewives” star Jen Shah has been sentenced to six-and-a-half years of watching “The Real Housewives.”

A new study found that approximately 20 percent of Americans have used their partner’s toothbrush. Or, roughly 4 out of 5 dentists.

20 percent of Americans use their partner’s toothbrush. Even worse: it’s not always to brush their teeth

A lottery ticket worth 1.35 billion dollars was sold in Maine at a gas station. When asked what they plan to buy, the winner said, “Gas.”

A North Carolina man led police on a high-speed chase while driving a tractor. Which got worse when they pulled him over, and he tried to switch seats with his scarecrow.

New Hampshire residents are angry about the possibility of the state no longer having the first Democratic primary. Said one resident, “This will completely ruin the good name of Dixville Notch!”

Happy Birthday to talk show host Maury Povich! Yes, 84 years ago today, Maury looked up at his dad and said, “You ARE the father!”

A vaccine has been approved for honeybees to protect them from a bacterial disease. However, many bees say they’ll just wear a mask.

U2 will release a new album with 40 new recordings of their hit songs. Yes, new recordings of U2 songs – or as that’s also known, a Coldplay album.

Planes in the U.S. were grounded Wednesday morning due to a computer outage. In response, Southwest said, “That’s why we just use a notepad and crayons!”

Vince McMahon is selling the WWE to Saudi Arabia. When asked about doing business with a vicious tyrant known for crimes against humanity, Saudi Arabia said, “Vince isn’t THAT bad!”

January 10 is National Houseplant Appreciation Day! Which was invented by someone who just didn’t feel like throwing out their Christmas tree.

A new report claims that the reboot of “Frasier” will not feature the rest of the original cast. In fact, even the dog is a cat.

Just Some Jokes 6.9.22

Man - when I heard the Celtics were in the Finals, the number one movie was “Top Gun,” and “California Dreamin’” by The Beach Boys was charting, I almost spilled my Diet Tab.

Tonight, the January 6th Committee addressed the nation on its findings, and shared evidence that President Trump “deserved” to be hanged. Pence hasn’t gasped this loud since he heard what “WAP” stood for. “That’s no way to treat a cat, Mother!”

The Committee held their first public hearing tonight. And at the next one, they’ll try to explain how Britney Spears’ ex-husband crashed her wedding.

On her wedding day, Britney Spears’ ex-husband Jason Alexander burst into her home. And what says “2022” like a guy with the same name as George acting like Kramer?

Fortunately for Britney the man didn’t make it very far before he was tackled by the caterer – Kevin Federline.

I read that some airlines are loosening the rules for flight attendents’ appearance. This means flight attendants can wear nose studs, sneakers and – thanks to passengers – boxing gloves.

Flight attendants are also allowed to display tattoos. Though it’s disturbing most are just to keep track of how many knees they’ve rammed with the beverage cart.

Yep, flight attendants can now wear more casual clothes. But Spirit Airlines is going the other way, and asking pilots to start wearing shirts.

 

We’re now dealing with a potential monkeypox epidemic, and doctors are stumped. Doctors said, “Unless the monkeys are jumping on beds, we got nothin’.”

Experts are still trying to figure out who brought monkeypox into the U.S. While one guy said, “Might you have a hat that isn’t quite as big and yellow?” (What? That’s what happens when you and your roommate share an accordion.)

 

Researchers in Georgia were said to be shocked when a gene-editing experiment caused hamsters to be “hyper aggressive bullies.” So now whenever someone says something nasty to me on Twitter, I say, “Probably just a bot or a hamster.”

But I think I’ve got the solution. If gas prices are higher than ever and hamsters are more aggressive than ever, why don’t replace our tires with hamster wheels? “I know I was doing 80 in a 50, officer, but these guys are really angry!”

And lastly, the Golden State Warriors lost to the Celtics last night, and they were upset that the crowd was using foul language. Yep, 18,000 cursing Bostonians – or as that’s also known, “Thanksgiving at the Wahlbergs.”

My Epic Ballgame With Rudy

Thank you the Boston Globe Magazine for letting me tell my story.

LINK HERE!

And here are a few baseball jokes to go along with it…

Baseball almost lost an entire season due to COVID-19. But don’t be too harsh – a pandemic is no time for a game where everyone wears gloves and stands very far apart outdoors.

 

Despite the Yankees being fully vaccinated, several members of the Red Sox and Mets are not. Man – if only there were some way to trick baseball players into injecting themselves…

 

For a while, ESPN aired the Korean Baseball Organization. Which backfired, since the only guys still watching baseball actually fought in Korea.

 

I knew baseball was in trouble when a whisper from my cornfield said, “If you build it, they will just turn it into a Halloween store.”

 

Joe West retired after 43 seasons as an ump. Man, you know you’ve got a short fuse when you eject yourself.

 

Umpire Angel Hernandez was busted for eavesdropping on a phone call between baseball officials and another umpire. Marking the first call Hernandez didn’t miss.

And lastly, the Cleveland Indians changed their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Which came this close to giving the NFL the “Washington Parents or.”

Hello New Friends From "Chronicle"

It was nice to meet you and tell you about EMERSON’S COMEDIC ARTS PROGRAM!

If you want to say hi, I’m right here!

Here are some other things you may find interesting, or at least tolerable!

ANTI-SOCIAL SKILLS!

The game designed by my friends and I during the pandemic that we’d love you to purchase, help us distribute, or develop for the web!

TURNBUCKLES!

The podcast I cohost each week for iHeart & Cloud 10 where myself and another former WWE writer talk wrestling writing stuff. RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE!

HOW CAN LATE NIGHT REVERSE ITS DECLINE?

An article I just wrote for “The Conversation” about feedback I’ve gotten from students on late night shows.

REDDIT AMA

I did an AMA for Reddit, so maybe you’ll find that interesting!

FALLON JOKES 2017-18

Jokes from my last year at the show.

POINTS IN CASE STUFF

I wrote two lists for Points in Case.

COMEX TONIGHT! 2021

Candace is great and you should hire her and all the other writers. Also, one of the last interviews with Bob Saget.

Thanks for watching, and thanks Channel 5!! Follow Nicole HERE!

TRIVA TIME! WRESTLEMANIA III

It was the third WrestleMania.

 

The event was held in The Pontiac Silverdome. “Pontiac Silverdome” would later serve as Mike Pence’s Secret Service codename.

 

The tagline for the event was “Bigger, Better, Badder!” This is also what Vince McMahon shouts instead of using Viagra.

 

One match featured Hillbilly Jim, King Kong Bundy and four little person wrestlers. Or, I took too much Nyquil before I watched it.

 

Other names considered for Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat: Ricky “The Steamboat” Lizard, Tugboat “The Richard” Airplane, Dog “The Bounty” Hunter.

 

WrestleMania III held the record for largest indoor gathering, until it was surpassed by Pope John Paul’s papal mass in St. Louis (which, ironically, ended with the Pope bodyslamming Andre the Giant).

 

In a rematch, Andre the Giant would defeat Hogan with the aide of Dave Hebner, referee Earl Hebner’s evil twin. Despite the angle’s success, the Hebners would pass on an offer to star in a 1998’s “The Parent Trap.”

 

Hulk Hogan’s hair fell out when he got scared watching “Thriller.”

 

George “The Animal” Steele’s tongue turned green after he kissed Nancy Reagan.

 

WrestleMania III featured a special appearance by Alice Cooper. Upon seeing him, Vince McMahon said, “What the fuck happened to Cher??”

Tune into TURNBUCKLES every Wednesday!!!

Tom Brady Makes Up For His Snubs

Dear Fans of me, the Greatest Quarterback of All-Time, Tom Brady,

It is I! Tom Brady!

 

It’s come to my attention that in my initial retirement announcement, I appeared to “snub” some people and places that were hugely important to my success on and off the field. It was suggested I correct this. So, as people in one region would say, “It’s Time to Make the Donuts!”

 

Honey Dew Donuts, that is. Whether it’s their classic glazed or their s’mores hot chocolate, the Dew came through on Cheat Days. Occasional comfort food is important to one’s wellbeing – especially when you are playing in the backdrop of the Kennedy legacy.

 

For whether it was serving as a VJ on MTV or hosting her own show on Fox Business, Kennedy has always been a dynamic television personality – one I channeled for my own appearances. But if you’re talking about dramatic roles, there were no better mentors then Ben and Matt.

 

When the gang caught Ben Stiller yelling at the chick and duck on that episode of “Friends,” Matthew Perry’s brilliant delivery of the line “Step away from the duck” was one I often channeled under pressure. But to really get myself in the mood, I’d turn to that famous band cofounded by the legendary guitarist, Joe Perry.

 

And let me be the one to tell you, if you haven’t seen the Hollywood Vampires, you are really missing out. Those guys are a trip. But not a literal trip – like visiting the Cape.

 

You know, the one worn by Liberace. It was a true honor to pose for a picture next to it when it was on display. I heard they even made a movie about him starring Michael Douglas and…some other actor. But Liberace was a legend. Just like Big Papi.

 

Sorry, that was a typo. It should have read “Big Poppy.” And it’s time we get serious about America’s opium addiction. It’s a problem we need to address and resolve. The type of issue for which I’d call on someone important to me – the ancient, stoic, all-knowing man in the hood.

 

Yoda. After all, it was he who told me, “Thank the Krafts, you must.” So…I will.

 

I’d like to publicly thank all the Krafts – from Kraft salad dressing to Kraft parmesan to Kraft macaroni and cheese. They were perfect to top off a Honey Dew Cheat Day while I sat back, put up my feet, and watched the greatest sitcom ever about a bar where everyone knows your name.

 

“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” All the characters are great, especially Mac. And I think we can agree he is far and away the most talented Mac and the only one who matters.

 

Love,

Tampa Tommy

 

P.S. Go Bruins!

You make everyone at UCLA proud!

Just Some Jokes 1.10.22

You won’t believe who tested positive for COVID this week…

I spent New Year’s watching the “Twilight Zone” marathon. Gotta say – weird to realize the monster on the wing would actually be the safest passenger on an airplane right now.

 

New York City Mayor Eric Adams said he plans to lead the city’s comeback from COVID with “swagger.” Which got worse when the CDC said, “Worth a try!”

Mayor Adams plans to bring the city back with “swagger.” When asked how he plans to deal with crime, he said, “With charisma.”

 

Lin-Manuel Miranda marked the one-year anniversary of the January 6th Insurrection with a musical performance from the cast of “Hamilton.” After which, Republicans and Democrats voted a unanimous “Why?”

 

New York’s Attorney General subpoened Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump Jr. in a probe of the Trump Organization, setting a legal precedent that no one wants to talk to Eric.

 

Over the weekend, weatherman described conditions in the Hamptons as completely white. And they got some snow!

 

The Pope criticized couples who choose not to have children. It got weirder when he invited friends to gather outside the Vatican and await a plume of blue or pink smoke.

The Pope criticized couples who choose to have pets instead of children. After that, he got back to talking about his childless Savior who was born in a barn.

Yep, Pope Francis said people should have more kids. Then he called Tristan Thompson and said, "You're excused."

 

Tristan Thompson cheated on Khloe Kardashian, and is having a third child with a third woman. Marking the one time an NBA player doesn’t want a “triple-double.”

 

Speaking of Khloe, O.J. Simpson criticized Antoinio Brown’s onfield outburst, and called it “inexcusable” that he threw his uniform into the crowd. Good point – what kind of idiot loses his football jersey?

 

Last night, the Golden Globes took place without any guests, any audience, any TV cameras, and it was just a ploy to try and capture Roman Polanski.

 

Andrew Garfield says he went to "Spider-Man" screenings incognito to witness fan reactions. When asked how he dressed, he said, “As Spider-Man.”

 

And lastly, a jury found Elizabeth Holmes guilty of fraud. But I thought they could’ve found a better way of sharing the verdict than saying, “Yo Holmes, smell ya later.”

Stay positive. ❤️

12 Jokes of Christmas

Well…not a good sign when three ghosts asked if I could switch to Zoom on Christmas Eve. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! But out of an abundance of caution...”

 

Yep - like Lance Armstrong’s testicles, this Christmas will be small and distanced. #Topical

 

Here’s my question: will it just be New York’s current governor giving COVID briefings, or are the Cuomos gonna do their own broadcast like the Manning brothers?

 

But here’s some good news: someone I love finally turned against Fox News. We tearfully embraced, and promised that next year, we're going to burn down their Christmas tree.

The Omicron outbreak caused United to cancel 170 flights. Still…they probably shouldn’t have done it mid-flight. “Grab a chute, Grandma!”

Delta canceled 130 flights and JetBlue canceled 50. While Spirit Airlines went around to their passengers’ lawn chairs and popped the balloons.

 

Once again, NORAD provided satellite updates on Santa’s location. I was like, “Great - ANOTHER rich, old white guy in space.”

 

Elon Musk was named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Which means now, we have to explain to Time readers who Elon Musk is, and to Musk’s fans what Time Magazine is.

 

After being retired for three years, NBA veteran Joe Johnson signed with the Boston Celtics. You can tell Johnson’s old because when he drives to the hoop, he hits a bunch of parked cars.

 

Tom Brady got so frustrated during a game on Sunday, he smashed a Microsoft Surface tablet. And if you wanna see a replay – just watch the relative on Christmas who thinks they’re getting an iPad.

 

“The Matrix Resurrections” is in theaters. I can’t wait to buy a ticket, try to follow it, then give up and go to see “Sing 2.” (Singin’ animals?? That’s my speed.)

In the new “Matrix,” Neo is again given the option of taking a blue pill or a red pill – but this time, he spends the film consulting about it with Joe Rogan.

 

After years of renovations, LaGuardia won a prestigious architectual award for Best New Airport. Or put another way – until now, LaGuardia technically wasn’t even an airport.

 

And lastly, a new study says male beetles give females oral sex to impress them. When they heard that, people watching “Get Back” said, “So that’s why Yoko sits so close.”

Thank you to Points in Case for running this piece on “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Hee-Haw, and Merry Christmas.

Daily Dozen 12.6.21

SHOW ANNOUNCEMENT!

On New Year’s Eve, it’s Time to Make the JokeNuts in NH!!

So excited to be teaming up with my lifelong pal Mike Oliveira at Comfort Baking Company to do a show (or two?) on December 31, 2021! Donuts AND adult beverages will be available! Get more info HERE. Tickets available at the shop (and perhaps online soon). And in keeping with the theme, here’s a dozen jokes…

One of the top films at the box office this weekend was “Ghostbusters.” While at CNN, the number one story continues to be “Hostbusters.”

 

Chris Cuomo was fired from CNN over sexual assault allegations and the role he played in his brother’s sexual assault case. Cuomo took full responsibility – then dyed his hair blonde and became the new anchor on “Fox & Friends.”

 

Former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley had what she described as a “positive” meeting with former President Trump. She will now self-isolate for ten days.

 

Some more Covid news! A New Harvard study declared a winner between Pfizer and Moderna vaccines. Turns out it’s the one with the richest dad.

 

Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massie is facing criticism after tweeting this photo:

Talk about classless. A social media post instead of mailing out cards??

The tree actually went on Facebook and untagged itself.

Then the Romneys released an even edgier photo where everyone’s holding a caffeinated beverage.

 

Henry Winkler is auctioning off “Happy Days” memorabilia to raise money for charity. He’s selling Fonzie’s leather jacket, his ironic silver motorcycle, and Potsie. 

 

A plumber found hundreds of thousands of dollars hidden behind Joel Osteen's toilet. Or, almost enough to pay a plumber to fix a toilet.

 

An army bomb squad rushed into an English hospital after a man was admitted with a World War II munition shell stuck in his rectum. They were like, “What are you trying to do?? Shart another war??”

Yep, a guy entered the hospital after he “fell” and a World War II munition shell became lodged in his rectum. Even the lady who “walked into” a neck massager said, “Yeah right.”

That’s right, the bomb squad had to rush the hospital because an Englishman had munition shell stuck in his rectum. Said officials, “This time, Mr. Bean has gone too far.”

 

And lastly, I read that couples are putting Christmas trees in their bedrooms to help their love lives. Giving guys two chances to ask, “Is that a real one or a fake one?”

See ya New Year’s!