Recently, I was lucky to be a guest on A Typical Disgusting Display, which is one of my favorite podcasts. Inspired by Goldy on an earlier episode, I wrote a few jokes while walking the dogs. Again, merely the best I could do dog-walking. Here now they are:
Kamala Harris picked 60-year-old Tim Walz as her running mate. When asked why she didn’t pick someone younger than her, Harris said, “I’ve seen that backfire.”
71 percent of Americans had never heard of Tim Walz. In fact, even Tim Walz spent the morning Googling “Tim Walz.”
Most Americans have never heard of Tim Walz. Which means he’ll also be hosting the Golden Globes.
Walz is a former high school sports coach. So now we have one running mate known for coaching, and another known for couching.
Walz is an avid hunter from Minnesota. And even he hasn’t killed as much wildlife as RFK Jr.
RFK Jr. admitted to dumping a dead bear in Central Park on his way to the airport. Which beats his first plan: telling the airline it was his “emotional support dead bear.”
He picked it up on the road, drove it around for a while, then ditched it in the park. Incidentally, that’s what most people wind up doing to RFK Jr. “You want to hear my theory on how the Amish created poison ivy? Hey, why are we pulling over…”
He grabbed the bear, drove it around for a while, then dumped it in the park. Welp, there goes my Paddington/Sopranos fan fic.
RFK found it while he was hunting hawk and kept the bear meat to eat after dinner at a steakhouse. Hawk, bear, and cow – which explains his Secret Service codename: The McRib. (The Hot Dog? The Slim Jim??)
RFK admitted he was behind the dead bear found in Central Park ten years ago. And if you think that’s crazy, wait’ll you hear his story behind this:
This is true: RFK Jr. once ditched a dead bear in Central Park. It even inspired an episode of that short-lived show, “Paw & Order.”
People are keeping an eye on Hurricane Debby. By the way, “Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt after her second chardonnay.
“Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt when they toss the bouquet.
“Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt when Michael Bublé tickets go on sale.
The storm is likely to avoid Texas. So it does not appear Debby will do Dallas.
Aerosmith announced they’re retiring from the road. They’ll donate their wardrobe to the Rock Hall of Fame, and their eyeliner to J.D. Vance.
At the Olympics, gymnast Simone Biles took silver in her final floor event. Taking gold: me, walking over my daughter’s Legos.
The U.S. men’s basketball team continues to dominate. But there was an awkward moment when they asked a spectator for his ticket and it was Jayson Tatum.
Back in the States: the Red Sox beat the Royals, the Mets topped the Cardinals, and RFK Jr. killed the Cubs.
Speaking of sports, don’t forget about The Garden’s Always Greener. More info below!!