President Biden recently signed with CAA. But it got kinda weird when he said, “Will you guys read my ‘Rick & Morty’ script?”
Disney World has closed its Hall of Presidents attraction for “refurbishing.” I guess it’s taking longer than expected to build both Trump and Musk.
Elon Musk demanded all federal workers provide a detailed description of five things they did all week. Which backfired, when he received a letter from the Oval Office saying, “Golf, golf, golf, golf, golf.”
Elon Musk recently fathered his thirteenth child. So, at least one of his rockets is launching.
Elon Musk has 13 kids! I guess he figures the best way to make new friends is to literally make new friends.
Bernie Sanders is on his “Fighting Oligarchy” tour. He speaks for about an hour – then, it’s time to crowd surf. (BERNIE, CROWDSURFING) “Please be gentle! This is my only suit!”
President Trump says he might take over the U.S. Postal Service. Though it’ll get awkward when he licks a stamp, then pays it to sign a nondisclosure agreement.
Baseball great Alex Rodriguez nailed a $10,000 halfcourt shot at a college basketball game. Said A-Rod, “Finally – a shot I don’t have to lie about!”
For Valentine’s Day, Travis Kelce spent $100,000 on Taylor Swift. Yep – he bought her a front row ticket to see Taylor Swift.
JetBlue is offering refunds to people who experience high rainfall on JetBlue vacations. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is giving customers one poncho to share if the plane’s missing its roof.
An Australian couple was forced to sit next to a corpse for several hours after a passenger died midflight. Or as people seated next to babies, salesmen, or someone eating tunafish put it, “Wanna trade?”
Orlando International Airport could soon have flying cars to transport commuters. Because when I look at the news involving airports lately, I think: “Let’s add cars to the mix.”
There was another near miss, when a Southwest plane narrowly avoided a collision with a private jet in Chicago. At this point, even geese are like, “You know what? We’ll just walk.”
Over 300,000 Teslas were recalled due to faulty steering. When asked if the cars are safe to drive back, Tesla said, “Sure, as long as your horn works.”
North Korea is believed to be responsible for stealing one billion dollars from crypto collectors. In related news…which side are we supposed to root for?
Out this weekend was the Stephen King horror film “The Monkey.” It holds a respectable 77% on Rotten Tomatoes – and a suspicious 1,000,000% on Rotten Bananas.
Happy Birthday to George Thorogood, who turned 75 years old. You can tell he’s getting up there by his new song: “One Bourbon, One Scotch, Five Ensures.”
In Columbia, a man was busted with $10,000 worth of cocaine stashed in his toupee. Which explains that new saying: “Just Say No to Rugs.”