A physician in Ohio was recognized as the world’s oldest doctor, at 101 years old. When asked why he’s still a doctor, he said: “Because I’m too young to be president.”
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has suggested building a prison next to Disney World. Or as kids call that, “EPCOT.”
President Trump reportedly kept farting during his trial. On the bright side, he finally got something passed.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says a worm ate a small piece of his brain. Said his uncle, John, “Wow - sounds AWFUL. (A WHOLE WORM is in his brain? So painful!)”
O.J. Simpson died at age 76 from cancer. Meanwhile, the cancer was acquitted of murder, but convicted of trying to steal some football memorabilia.
Before he died, O.J. Simpson revealed the woman he had been dating. By speeding away from her home and catching a flight to Chicago.
Bernie Sanders has launched an investigation into workplace injuries at Amazon. While Bernie’s neighbors asked him to close his windows, so his voice doesn’t activate their Alexas.
Experts say millennials will have to pay an 8% mortgage rate to own a home. Said millennials: “Wait, people actually own their homes?”
The Real Housewives are threatening to go on strike. You know things are bad when people who don’t even work are leaving their jobs.
During last year’s strikes, Jay Leno brought donuts to writers on the picket line. Then Ellen drove by and threw some coffee at them.
Hooters is offering free wings for moms on Mother’s Day. When asked if they’ll do that for Father’s Day, waitresses said: “What are fathers?”
A video captured biologists helping a humpback whale that was tangled in a rope and anchor. They kept pulling and pulling and, long story short, we have to bury bin Laden again.
Experts are teaching people in Japan to smile after years of wearing COVID masks. While experts are teaching people in Germany to smile after years of being German.
Vice News went bankrupt. I haven’t seen a Vice that close to death since January 6th.
ESPN laid off 7,000 employees. Or as ESPN said, “Congrats - you are all free agents.”
On their new album, The Rolling Stones are joined by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr. Paul did a wonderful job singing, and Ringo did an amazing job listening.
Aerosmith is coming off the road after Steven Tyler damaged his vocal cords. When asked how long they’ve been damaged, he said, “Since 1975.”
There’s a 10-acre corn maze in New Jersey that has a Barbie theme. And if they want to make popcorn, they’ll change it to an “Oppenheimer” theme.
The man behind the viral blue dress/gold dress internet phenomenon is accused of trying to kill his spouse. He’s being represented by the law firm of Laurel & Yanny.
There’s a new longevity clinic that charges $100,000. To keep you alive just long enough to pay back the longevity clinic.
Happy Birthday to Cyndi Lauper, who turned 70 years old! Which explains her new song: “Girls Just Wanna Watch Wheel of Fortune and Go to Bed.”
Happy Birthday to Kenny G. His party was held in the fanciest elevator in town.
France has banned short airline flights to combat toxic emissions. Then everyone in the country went back to smoking 500 cigarettes a day.
An Arizona woman survived being stung 75 times by bees during a family photo shoot. Even stranger – the photo shoot was at a JC Penney.
George and Kellyanne Conway filed for divorce. I was sorry to hear about them – because I had almost forgotten about them.
Researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu. Not only that – researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu.
Today is National Peanut Butter Day! I would celebrate, but I’m allergic to made-up holidays.
Taco Bell is holding a vote on whether to bring back the Beefy Crunch Burrito or the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Marking one time every American will actually vote.
Scientists have noticed the weather has changed on Uranus. The cause? Eating both a Beefy Crunch Burrito and a Dorito Locos Taco.