This Day in History: March 18

On this day in 1845, Johnny Appleseed died. Of course, he was a man who went from town to town spreading his seed – or as we’d call him now, Nick Cannon.

On this day in 1911, Irving Berlin copyrighted the biggest pop song of the early 20th Century. That’s why he gets paid each time someone played “Cotton-Eyed Joe.”

On this day in 1965, Russian Cosmonaut Alexei Leonov became the first person to walk in space. How brave is that – going for a walk without listening to a podcast?

On this day in 1962, Dirty Jobs host Mike Rowe was born. After which he interviewed the doctor who delivered him.

On this day in 1990, 12 paintings worth a collective $500 million were stolen from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. Among the paintings stolen were Landscape with Obelisk, Chez Tortoni, and of course, Where’s Waldo at the Beach?

Enjoy the present…and remember: The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 17

On this day in 461, St. Patrick died. Today, millions will honor his life through song and drink – and his death by blacking out.

On this day in 1762, New York City held its first St. Patrick’s Day Parade. It featured drummers, bagpipers, and a guy handing out flyers yelling, “Free comedy show! Comics you’ve seen on Comedy Central!”

On this day in 1962, Chicago started its tradition of dyeing the Chicago River green. While on this night in 1962, residents began their tradition of dyeing it yellow.

On this day in 1959, Boston Celtics great Danny Ainge was born. And by the evening, he’d turned his pacifier into two a rattle, two blankies, and three first-round draft picks.

On this day in 1903, second cousins Franklin D. Roosevelt and Eleanor Roosevelt were married. That story again – people get really drunk on St. Patrick’s Day.

Enjoy the present…and remember: The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 16

On this day in 1850, The Scarlet Letter was published. If you didn’t read it, just catch the TV version: The Maury Povich Show.

On this day in 1926, the first liquid-fueled rocket took flight in Massachusetts. Just a day before the people of Massachusetts become liquid-fueled rockets.

On this day in 1955, the NHL suspended Montreal Canadiens star Maurice Richard for the rest of the season, leading to riots in Canada. Of course, a “Canadian riot” means spilling some poutine and not saying “sorry.”

On this day in 1926, comedian Jerry Lewis was born. The doctor knew it was a boy when he saw its flortsenhagen!

On this day in 2008, Bear Sterns collapsed and was sold to J.P. Morgan Chase. So for once, a Bear was swallowed by someone other than RFK Jr.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 15

On this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar was assassinated. His last words: "Please...name an orange drink and a salad after me."

On this day in 1955, Twisted Sister singer Dee Snider was born. You can buy him a gift, but…he's not gonna take it.

On this day in 1820, Maine was admitted as the 23rd state. Its official state flag: a lobster wearing flannel and drinking a Moxie.

On this day in 1869, the Cincinnati Red Stockings became the first professional baseball team, going on to win a game 103-8. That score again: 103-8. Said the other team, "At this point, maybe we should send in a belly-itcher."

On this day in 1972, The Godfather held its premiere. Humans enjoyed the film, while horses walked out.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 14

On this day in 1950, the FBI debuted its 10 Most Wanted Fugitives List. So, it was a day of mixed emotions for the 11th Most Wanted Fugitive.

On this day in 1903, President Theodore Roosevelt established the first national wildlife refuge. Or as RFK Jr. calls that, “a buffet.”

On this day in 1794, Eli Whitney patented the cotton gin. Then in 1861, he said, “Did I do that???”

On this day in 1988, basketball star Steph Curry was born. He impressed other babies in the nursery by shooting his pacifier into a crib 40 feet away.

On this day in 1879, Albert Einstein was born. It followed an event nine months earlier which his parents called “the Big Bang.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 13

On this day in 1942, the U.S. Army launched its K-9 Corps. Meanwhile, cats continued to provide intelligence to the Germans.

On this day in 2013, Pope Francis was elected. They used white smoke to declare a pope had been chosen, and blue smoke to announce he was a boy.

On this day in 1639, Harvard College was named after clergyman John Harvard. "I hope one day, I'll achieve the same honor," said his friend, Jeff University-of-Phoenix-Online.

On this day in 1930, the discovery of Pluto was announced. Astronomers had many questions about Pluto; namely, why is he owned by Goofy? (And will both be drafted by the Army?)

On this day in 1781, William Herschel discovered Uranus. As everyone knows, the planet was named after the Greek God of your butt.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 12

On this day in 2002, the Department of Homeland Security introduced a color-coded Terror Alert chart. It went: Red, orange, yellow, blue, green. Or as they told President Bush: Elmo, Ernie, Bert, Grover, Oscar.

On this day in 1933, President Roosevelt broadcast his first “fireside chat” of the Great Depression. Proving that even in the 30s, everyone had a podcast.

On this day in 1930, Gandhi began his 241-mile civil disobedience march. While the guy waiting to use Gandhi’s treadmill said, “This is getting ridiculous.”

On this day in 1948, singer James Taylor was born. And when they needed him to nap, they just put on some James Taylor.

On this day in 1989, Tim Berners Lee submitted his proposal for the World Wide Web. The proposal: “Friends from high school got fat + Skateboard fails + porn.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 11

On this day in 1997, Paul McCartney was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. When asked her favorite Beatles song, the Queen said, “I’m more of a Motörhead gal.”

On this day in 2020, COVID-19 was declared a pandemic – narrowly bumping Tiger King to second worst thing of the year.

On this day in 1888, the Northeast was struck by a blizzard nicknamed “The White Hurricane.” Incidentally, that’s also my nickname in water aerobics.

On this day in 1985, Mikhail Gorbachev was elected the final leader of the USSR. For now.

On this day in 1930, President Taft was buried. Also buried that day: the pallbearers who had to carry President Taft.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 10

On this day in 1940, Chuck Norris was born. Marking the first baby to karate chop its own umbilical cord.

On this day in 2006, Cuba played in the World Baseball Classic. Historians called it a landmark event, while the Yankees called it “one stop shopping.”

On this day in 2006, NASA’s Reconnaissance Orbiter entered Mars’ orbit and searched for signs of water. But it left when all they had was Dasani.

On this day in 1876, the first successful phone call is placed by Alexander Graham Bell to his assistant Watson. Though strangely, all he said was, “U up?”

On this day in 1977, astronomers discovered the rings of Uranus. And all they could say was “Ouch!”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 9

On this day in 1796, Napoleon married his first wife. Said the priest: “You may now stand on your tippy toes to kiss the bride.”

On this day in 1961, Russia used Sputnik 9 to launch a dummy into space. When asked what’s next, Russia said, “Getting one elected.”

On this day in 1960, Dr. Belding Hibbard Scribner implanted a shunt into a patient, allowing them to receive hemodialysis. Said Belding Hibbard Scribner, “This almost makes up for having three last names.”

On this day in 1959, Barbie made her debut. When she met Ken, she said, “Is it cold in here, orrr….”

On this day in 1979, women were allowed into the locker room to interview Major League Baseball players. Some men called it a violation of privacy – but not Ken!

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today Day in History: March 8

On this day in 1993, Beavis and Butt-Head premiered on MTV. The show brought fame to Beavis and Butt-Head – and shame to their sister, Ivanka.

On this day in 1950, the VW Bus went into production. Volkswagon called it perfect for families – or stoners solving crimes with their dog.

On this day in 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammed Ali in a bout dubbed “The Fight of the Century.” Not to be confused with the next “Fight of the Century,” which ocurred in the bridal section of TJ Maxx.

On this day in 1959, anchorman Lester Holt was born. Or as he broke the news: “This just out.”

On this day in 1981, there was a massive nuclear leak at a power plant in Japan, spilling 16 tons of waste into Wakasa Bay. To which Godzilla said, “I’m getting too old for this shit…”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 7

On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. And five minutes later, he got his first spam call.

On this day in 1962, The Beatles made their broadcast debut on BBC Radio. They performed “Dream Baby,” “Please Mr. Postman,” and “1-877-KARS-4-KIDS.”

On this day in 1999, legendary director Stanley Kubrick died. But he had to do 47 takes until he got it right.

On this day in 2010, Kathryn Bigelow defeated her ex-husband, James Cameron, to win Best Director. In her speech, she thanked the other nominees, “even if they have bad breath, ear hair, and snore every night.”

On this day in 2003, Broadway musicians went on strike for four days. While no one was home, the cast of Cats clawed the seats and pooped all over the theater.   

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 6

On this day in 1475, Michelangelo was born. He is remembered to the world as a brilliant artist; he is remembered by Americans as a party dude.

On this day in 1985, Mike Tyson made his professional boxing debut. Fans described the moment as “impressive,” while Tyson described it as “imprethive.”

On this day in 1981, anchorman Walter Cronkite signed off for the final time. Rather than his trademark “And that’s the way it is,” Cronkite chose the more personal, “See ya in Cancun, suckers!”

On this day in 1986, artist Georgia O’Keefe died. In lieu of flowers, her family asked that you look closely at some until you need a cold shower.

On this day in 1972, Shaquille O’Neal was born. Marking the first baby to pick up the doctor and give him a spanking.

Enjoy the present…and don’t forget…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 5

Today in 1960, the iconic photo of Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara was taken. Guevera described it as perfect for the biggest stoner in your dorm to hang on his wall.

Today in 1929, car manufacturer David Buick died. But then someone gave him a jump and he started back up.

Today in 1868, the impeachment trial of Andrew Johnson began. The proceedings were led by Thaddeus Stevens, John Covode, and Bernie Sanders.

Today in 1963, the Hula Hoop was patented. After seeing its massive success, toymakers said, “Wow – kids are dumb!”

Today in 1969, Miami officials charged Jim Morrison with indecent exposure. Or to put it another way, they impeached another Johnson.

Enjoy the present. And don’t forget…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 4

On this day in 1974, the first issue of People magazine came out. And on this day in 1991, your dentist finally removed it from his waiting room.

On this day in 1952, Hemingway finished “The Old Man and the Sea.” Which beats its original title: “Ernest Goes Fishing.”

On this day in 2005, Martha Stewart was released from prison. But thanks to her, dozens of inmates know how to crochet a shiv.

On this day in 1963, The Beach Boys released “Surfin’ USA,” which fantasizes about everyone having an ocean. And thanks to decades of drivers having fun, fun, fun in their 409s…they might.

On this day in 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated. After taking the oath, he turned to his wife Mary and gave her a long, passionate handshake.

Enjoy the present. And don’t forget - The Garden’s Always Greener.

Just Some Jokes

President Biden recently signed with CAA. But it got kinda weird when he said, “Will you guys read my ‘Rick & Morty’ script?”

Disney World has closed its Hall of Presidents attraction for “refurbishing.” I guess it’s taking longer than expected to build both Trump and Musk.

Elon Musk demanded all federal workers provide a detailed description of five things they did all week. Which backfired, when he received a letter from the Oval Office saying, “Golf, golf, golf, golf, golf.”

Elon Musk recently fathered his thirteenth child. So, at least one of his rockets is launching.

Elon Musk has 13 kids! I guess he figures the best way to make new friends is to literally make new friends.

Bernie Sanders is on his “Fighting Oligarchy” tour. He speaks for about an hour – then, it’s time to crowd surf. (BERNIE, CROWDSURFING) “Please be gentle! This is my only suit!”

President Trump says he might take over the U.S. Postal Service. Though it’ll get awkward when he licks a stamp, then pays it to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

Baseball great Alex Rodriguez nailed a $10,000 halfcourt shot at a college basketball game. Said A-Rod, “Finally – a shot I don’t have to lie about!”

For Valentine’s Day, Travis Kelce spent $100,000 on Taylor Swift. Yep – he bought her a front row ticket to see Taylor Swift.

JetBlue is offering refunds to people who experience high rainfall on JetBlue vacations. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is giving customers one poncho to share if the plane’s missing its roof.

An Australian couple was forced to sit next to a corpse for several hours after a passenger died midflight. Or as people seated next to babies, salesmen, or someone eating tunafish put it, “Wanna trade?”

Orlando International Airport could soon have flying cars to transport commuters. Because when I look at the news involving airports lately, I think: “Let’s add cars to the mix.”

There was another near miss, when a Southwest plane narrowly avoided a collision with a private jet in Chicago. At this point, even geese are like, “You know what? We’ll just walk.”

Over 300,000 Teslas were recalled due to faulty steering. When asked if the cars are safe to drive back, Tesla said, “Sure, as long as your horn works.”

North Korea is believed to be responsible for stealing one billion dollars from crypto collectors. In related news…which side are we supposed to root for?

Out this weekend was the Stephen King horror film “The Monkey.” It holds a respectable 77% on Rotten Tomatoes – and a suspicious 1,000,000% on Rotten Bananas.

Happy Birthday to George Thorogood, who turned 75 years old. You can tell he’s getting up there by his new song: “One Bourbon, One Scotch, Five Ensures.”

In Columbia, a man was busted with $10,000 worth of cocaine stashed in his toupee. Which explains that new saying: “Just Say No to Rugs.”

Some Jokes Written Whilst Dog-Walking

Recently, I was lucky to be a guest on A Typical Disgusting Display, which is one of my favorite podcasts. Inspired by Goldy on an earlier episode, I wrote a few jokes while walking the dogs. Again, merely the best I could do dog-walking. Here now they are:

Kamala Harris picked 60-year-old Tim Walz as her running mate. When asked why she didn’t pick someone younger than her, Harris said, “I’ve seen that backfire.”

71 percent of Americans had never heard of Tim Walz. In fact, even Tim Walz spent the morning Googling “Tim Walz.”

Most Americans have never heard of Tim Walz. Which means he’ll also be hosting the Golden Globes.

Walz is a former high school sports coach. So now we have one running mate known for coaching, and another known for couching.

Walz is an avid hunter from Minnesota. And even he hasn’t killed as much wildlife as RFK Jr.

RFK Jr. admitted to dumping a dead bear in Central Park on his way to the airport. Which beats his first plan: telling the airline it was his “emotional support dead bear.”

He picked it up on the road, drove it around for a while, then ditched it in the park. Incidentally, that’s what most people wind up doing to RFK Jr. “You want to hear my theory on how the Amish created poison ivy? Hey, why are we pulling over…”

He grabbed the bear, drove it around for a while, then dumped it in the park. Welp, there goes my Paddington/Sopranos fan fic.

RFK found it while he was hunting hawk and kept the bear meat to eat after dinner at a steakhouse. Hawk, bear, and cow – which explains his Secret Service codename: The McRib. (The Hot Dog? The Slim Jim??)

RFK admitted he was behind the dead bear found in Central Park ten years ago. And if you think that’s crazy, wait’ll you hear his story behind this:

This is true: RFK Jr. once ditched a dead bear in Central Park. It even inspired an episode of that short-lived show, “Paw & Order.”

People are keeping an eye on Hurricane Debby. By the way, “Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt after her second chardonnay.

“Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt when they toss the bouquet.

“Hurricane Debby” is also what we call my aunt when Michael Bublé tickets go on sale.

The storm is likely to avoid Texas. So it does not appear Debby will do Dallas.

Aerosmith announced they’re retiring from the road. They’ll donate their wardrobe to the Rock Hall of Fame, and their eyeliner to J.D. Vance.

At the Olympics, gymnast Simone Biles took silver in her final floor event. Taking gold: me, walking over my daughter’s Legos.

The U.S. men’s basketball team continues to dominate. But there was an awkward moment when they asked a spectator for his ticket and it was Jayson Tatum.

Back in the States: the Red Sox beat the Royals, the Mets topped the Cardinals, and RFK Jr. killed the Cubs.

Speaking of sports, don’t forget about The Garden’s Always Greener. More info below!!

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JOKES

A physician in Ohio was recognized as the world’s oldest doctor, at 101 years old. When asked why he’s still a doctor, he said: “Because I’m too young to be president.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has suggested building a prison next to Disney World. Or as kids call that, “EPCOT.”

President Trump reportedly kept farting during his trial. On the bright side, he finally got something passed.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says a worm ate a small piece of his brain. Said his uncle, John, “Wow - sounds AWFUL. (A WHOLE WORM is in his brain? So painful!)”

O.J. Simpson died at age 76 from cancer. Meanwhile, the cancer was acquitted of murder, but convicted of trying to steal some football memorabilia.

Before he died, O.J. Simpson revealed the woman he had been dating. By speeding away from her home and catching a flight to Chicago.

Bernie Sanders has launched an investigation into workplace injuries at Amazon. While Bernie’s neighbors asked him to close his windows, so his voice doesn’t activate their Alexas.

Experts say millennials will have to pay an 8% mortgage rate to own a home. Said millennials: “Wait, people actually own their homes?”

The Real Housewives are threatening to go on strike. You know things are bad when people who don’t even work are leaving their jobs.

During last year’s strikes, Jay Leno brought donuts to writers on the picket line. Then Ellen drove by and threw some coffee at them.

Hooters is offering free wings for moms on Mother’s Day. When asked if they’ll do that for Father’s Day, waitresses said: “What are fathers?”

A video captured biologists helping a humpback whale that was tangled in a rope and anchor. They kept pulling and pulling and, long story short, we have to bury bin Laden again.

Experts are teaching people in Japan to smile after years of wearing COVID masks. While experts are teaching people in Germany to smile after years of being German.

Vice News went bankrupt. I haven’t seen a Vice that close to death since January 6th.

ESPN laid off 7,000 employees. Or as ESPN said, “Congrats - you are all free agents.”

On their new album, The Rolling Stones are joined by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr. Paul did a wonderful job singing, and Ringo did an amazing job listening.

Aerosmith is coming off the road after Steven Tyler damaged his vocal cords. When asked how long they’ve been damaged, he said, “Since 1975.”

There’s a 10-acre corn maze in New Jersey that has a Barbie theme. And if they want to make popcorn, they’ll change it to an “Oppenheimer” theme.

The man behind the viral blue dress/gold dress internet phenomenon is accused of trying to kill his spouse. He’s being represented by the law firm of Laurel & Yanny.

There’s a new longevity clinic that charges $100,000. To keep you alive just long enough to pay back the longevity clinic.

Happy Birthday to Cyndi Lauper, who turned 70 years old! Which explains her new song: “Girls Just Wanna Watch Wheel of Fortune and Go to Bed.”

Happy Birthday to Kenny G. His party was held in the fanciest elevator in town.

France has banned short airline flights to combat toxic emissions. Then everyone in the country went back to smoking 500 cigarettes a day.

An Arizona woman survived being stung 75 times by bees during a family photo shoot. Even stranger – the photo shoot was at a JC Penney.

George and Kellyanne Conway filed for divorce. I was sorry to hear about them – because I had almost forgotten about them.

Researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu. Not only that – researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu.

Today is National Peanut Butter Day! I would celebrate, but I’m allergic to made-up holidays.

Taco Bell is holding a vote on whether to bring back the Beefy Crunch Burrito or the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Marking one time every American will actually vote.

Scientists have noticed the weather has changed on Uranus. The cause? Eating both a Beefy Crunch Burrito and a Dorito Locos Taco.

A Few Jokes from "News on the Nines" on Rineman in the Morning in 2023

A physician in Ohio was recognized as the world’s oldest doctor, at 101 years old. When asked why he’s still a doctor, he said: “Because I’m too young to be president.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has suggested building a prison next to Disney World. Or as kids call that, “EPCOT.”

Bernie Sanders has launched an investigation into workplace injuries at Amazon. While Bernie’s neighbors asked him to close his windows, so his voice doesn’t activate their Alexas.

Experts say millennials will have to pay an 8% mortgage rate to own a home. Said millennials: “Wait, people actually own their homes?”

The Real Housewives are threatening to go on strike. You know things are bad when people who don’t even work are leaving their jobs.

Jay Leno brought donuts to striking writers on the picket line. Then Ellen drove by and threw some coffee at them.

Hooters is offering free wings for moms on Mother’s Day. When asked if they’ll do that for Father’s Day, waitresses said: “What are fathers?”

A video captured biologists helping a humpback whale that was tangled in a rope and anchor. They kept pulling and pulling and, long story short, we have to bury bin Laden again.

There’s a senior citizen version of “The Bachelor.” When a date goes poorly, someone will leave in a limo. But if it goes really well, they’ll leave in a hearse.

Experts are teaching people in Japan to smile after years of wearing COVID masks. While experts are teaching people in Germany to smile after years of being German.

Vice News is going bankrupt. I haven’t seen a Vice that close to doom since January 6th.

ESPN laid off 7,000 employees. Or as ESPN said, “Congrats - you are all free agents.”

On their new album, The Rolling Stones are joined by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr. Paul did a wonderful job singing, and Ringo did an amazing job listening.

Aerosmith is coming off the road after Steven Tyler damaged his vocal cords. When asked how long they’ve been damaged, he said, “Since 1975.”

There’s a 10-acre corn maze in New Jersey that has a Barbie theme. And if they want to make popcorn, they’ll change it to an “Oppenheimer” theme.

The man behind the viral blue dress/gold dress internet phenomenon is accused of trying to kill his spouse. He’s being represented by the law firm of Laurel & Yanny.

There’s a new longevity clinic that charges $100,000. To keep you alive just long enough to pay back the longevity clinic.

Happy Birthday to Cyndi Lauper, who turned 70 years old! Which explains her new song: “Girls Just Wanna Watch Wheel of Fortune and Go to Bed.”

Happy Birthday to Kenny G. His party was held in the fanciest elevator in town.

France has banned short airline flights to combat toxic emissions. Then everyone in the country went back to smoking 500 cigarettes a day.

An Arizona woman survived being stung 75 times by bees during a family photo shoot. Even stranger – the photo shoot was at a JC Penney.

George and Kellyanne Conway filed for divorce. I was sorry to hear about them – because I had almost forgotten about them.

Researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu. Not only that – researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu.

Today is National Peanut Butter Day! I would celebrate, but I’m allergic to made-up holidays.

Taco Bell is holding a vote on whether to bring back the Beefy Crunch Burrito or the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Marking one time every American will actually vote.

Scientists have noticed the weather has changed on Uranus. The cause? Eating both a Beefy Crunch Burrito and a Dorito Locos Taco.