Well if things go south with Jared, she’s always got Hologram Tupac!
Even Kim Jong Un was like, “Have her hold up today’s newspaper…”
The big news is today, Minneapolis’ city council said it plans to disband its police force. Or as it’ll soon be reported, “Mall cops suspended for kicking mannequin.”
In a statement, the Minneapolis City Council said, “This is a sensitive situation, and we feel it’s in everyone’s best interest to tell 800 people with guns they’re fired at the same time.”
With all the violence displayed by officers, it’s just a matter of time before someone throws the book at them. And I’m gonna guess it’ll be a “Harry Potter” book.
“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling is facing criticism for transphobic tweets. Which again raises the question: “Can you separate the artist from their WiFi connection?”
Yep, J.K. Rowling attacked the transgender community. But it’s important to remember that regardless of her opinions, her books are still a giant waste of time.
Speaking of wastes, President Trump visited Maine over the weekend. But there was an awkward moment when a lobsterman bound his hands and threw him into a crate.
Yep, Trump visited Maine. And Pennywise actually warned children not to approach him.
Mitt Romney and George W. Bush announced they would not vote for Trump. Romney will consider Biden, while Bush will do like always and write-in Amanda Hugginkiss. “Did it even when I was runnin’! Hehe!”
Romney and Bush said they would not vote for Trump – this election. Which is the political version of telling your spouse, “I won’t sleep with your boss tonight.”
After former Secretary of Defense Colin Powell said he won’t vote for Trump, the president called him a “real stiff.” And after that, Mike Pence said he won’t vote for Trump. “I know when I’m being disrespected…”
Yep, Colin Powell will not vote for Trump. Of course when I heard the word “colon,” I assumed Ted Cruz was getting even more specific….
Don’t worry – Ted Cruz can store food in his welts for up to four months. It’s when he sheds that you have a problem.
After looting during protests, an editor of the Philadelphia Enquirer resigned over the headline “Buildings Matter Too.” Which explains this morning’s panel on Fox & Friends…
WILLIS TOWER: “AM I STILL CALLED THE WILLIS TOWER OR IS IT SOMETHING NEW AGAIN?”
Fox News also apologized for running a graphic showing stock market gains after the murders of George Floyd, Michael Brown and Martin Luther King Jr. But it didn’t help when they tried to even things out by showing hat market gains after JFK.
In Portland, Oregon, a llama showed up at a Black Lives Matter rally. Nobody’s sure how it got there, but since it’s Portland, maybe it drove?
Yep, a llama attended a Black Lives Matter rally. The crowd called him a morale booster, while the police tried to plant some nunchucks on him. “It was either him or the emu!”
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio announced he was canceling the city’s curfew a day early. Then he said, “Now will you kids please give me my pants back? Fine - just my shoes??”
The NYPD is telling officers to watch out for concrete-filled tennis balls during protests. In fact, they’ve already put their top detective on the case:
(My daughter is writing jokes for the blog now.)
Last night, NBA Legend Bill Russell tweeted at Trump calling him a divisive coward. Proving that all these years later, Russ is still great at swatting some orange leather.
And Michael Jordan donated $100 million to fight for racial equality. Right after Isiah Thomas donated $99 million.
The NBA is thinking of using fan noise from NBA 2K for its crowd-less games. And it’s a good thing the Knicks are out, because even in the game, they chant, “SELL THE TEAM!”
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers could sign Colin Kaepernick to back up Tom Brady. The NFL says it would allow Kaepernick to go from not playing at all to never playing at all.
Actually, there is some concern about Tom Brady’s durability. You’ll know an opponent thinks he’s old when its defense is made up of Buffalo police officers.
Despite warnings of a new wave of COVID-19, New Hampshire beaches opened up this weekend. Which explains the state’s new motto: “Live Free or Die or Both.”
Warner Brothers announced that Elmer Fudd will no longer carry a gun. So look forward to Republicans saying, “A good guy with an anvil stops a bad guy with an anvil!”
It’s rumored that James Bond will be a father in the next film. There’s even a tense scene where his baby hands him an iPad and says, “Shark. Baby Shark. (And I want that rattle shaken, not…ah, you know.)”
It’s actually easy to pick out Bond’s kid in the nursery – he’s the one in a tuxedo onesie.
Yep, James Bond will apparently be a dad. But it gets weird when they call him with an urgent mission and he says, “Can’t – I’m teaching my kids, still.”
And lastly, the owner of Chicago’s Second City improv theater resigned after accusations of racism. Now that he’s unemployed, he signed up for improv classes at the Second City.
Proud of this aspect of my home state,
Jon
Credit: Seacoast Online