How many calls do you think Oprah got from Drew Brees and Lea Michele last night?
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All four Minneapolis police officers have now been arrested and charged for the murder of George Floyd. To make sure they’re in good hands, the city hired the prison guard who watched Jeffrey Epstein.
The NBA announced that it’s coming back, and playing all its games at Disney World with no fans. The first game will tip off July 31st, the mics will pick up 10 seconds of trash talk, then Disney will cancel the season.
After being off since March, the NBA will resume play on July 31st. And on the first game back, Gregg Popovich will still sit five players for rest. #TooManySportsJokesRineman!
Los Angeles experienced a 5.5 magnitude earthquake. Don’t worry – it was just from Trump falling down the stairs to his bunker. “I’m okay! Tie was a few feet too long!”
Yeah, there was a giant Earthquake in Los Angeles. And I think 2020 shows that sometimes, even God forgets to pause his “Sims” game before he goes to school.
As if that isn’t enough, a giant asteroid will pass by Earth on Saturday. It’s as big as two Empire State Buildings, one stadium, or half a Charles Barkley before he heard he’d be back on TV this year.
Yep, there’s a giant asteroid passing by Earth. People have a tough choice: do we root for it to hit some dinosaurs, or just vote them out in November?
Don’t worry – the only Rock that crushed Trump today was Dwayne Johnson.
The Rock released an impassioned video where he said, “Where are you? Where is our leader?” And when Trump said, “I’m down in my bunk—” The Rock said, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE YOU ARE YOU PUTIN-ROOTIN’ TEN-DOLLAR SUITIN’ JABRONI!”
Then he closed by saying, “If you smell what The Rock is cookin’! But…I know you can’t, because of the masks we have to wear thanks to that Putin-rootin’ jabroni.”
Televangelist Pat Robertson condemned Trump for his “law and order” response to protests. However he also praised Trump for elevating the phrase “Jesus Christ.”
After Trump visited a church and held up a Bible, the White House compared him to Winston Churchill. Then Trump said, “Ah yes – my fourth favorite Ghostbuster!”
Experts are saying a photo where Hitler appears to hold a Bible like Trump is photoshopped. It turns out the book he’s holding is actually “The Art of the Deal.”
Trump’s former Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis released a statement in The Atlantic blasting the president for his use of military force. You know things are backwards when a guy named “Donald” jolts us awake, and a guy named “Mad Dog” helps us sleep.
In response, Trump criticized Mattis, claiming his real nickname was “Chaos” and that Trump gave him the nickname “Mad Dog.” Then he said, “And if you don’t believe me, ask my kids – Mad Dog, Mad Dog Jr. and Girl Dog. I am very good with nicknames. Just ask Earvin ‘Chaos’ Johnson.”
Jimmy Carter issued a statement on Trump’s response to protests, saying, “We need a government as good as its people, and we are better than this.” Then Carter said, “Wait – I’m still alive??” #ThatsHowYouDoThatJoke
Minnesota’s Governor is sending National Guard troops to the state’s border with North Dakota, citing “credible threats.” North Dakota residents said, “That is an insult to us both!”
And South Dakota’s Governor is apparently working with Trump officials on a Mount Rushmore Flyover. Which means right now, aides are telling Trump, “No, they don’t ‘sing like the Country Bears’.”
That’s right, South Dakota is working with the White House to have Trump fly over Mount Rushmore. The only hold up is who pays for the cannon.
Readers are angry at the New York Times after they let Senator Tom Cotton pen an op-ed encouraging military intervention. The paper begged subscribers not to leave, so they don’t miss the crossword edited by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Yep, many are angry about the Times picking Cotton to write an op-ed. Said fellow Republicans, “What’s this about picking cotton??”
“Fox & Friends” host Brian Kilmeade mocked people using the song “Imagine” to unite, saying John Lennon – again, John Lennon – would not be safe in New York City. Then he said, “It’s awful! You can’t even put your Lindbergh baby on the window sill!”
And Piers Morgan and Rudy Giuliani got into a shouting match on British TV. When he heard there was some of white-on-white violence, Trump deployed The Osmonds and Vampire Weekend.
The Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle released a video addressing the murder of George Floyd, saying, “The only wrong thing to say is nothing.” While the Queen released a video where she appeared to squint harder.
Sesame Street will air a town hall that discusses racism. But it’ll be weird when Elmo says…
And for any fans of “The Muppet Show,” you can go on YouTube to see Piers Morgan argue with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew….
Bills quarterback Jake Fromm apologized after saying only “elite white people” should have guns. Showing once again that Drew Brees can make a great handoff.
Athletes were denouncing Drew Brees for his stance on National Anthem protests. LeBron James said Brees still doesn’t get it; Richard Sherman called Brees “lost”; and Joey Chestnut invited him to the Nathan’s Foot-Eating Contest.
But Drew Brees apologized for his remarks, saying, “After some serious soul searching, I finally realized I play and live in New Orleans, Louisiana.”
A new poll found that Joe Biden is currently winning in Ohio, Arizona and Wisconsin. Which is why Biden’s campaign canceled all his speeches in Ohio, Arizona and Wisconsin.
Trump retweeted an old Biden speech, where the Vice President called for closer ties with China. Though if I were Trump…I’d try to avoid anything that combines “ties” and “China.”
Virginia Governor Ralph Northam plans to remove a statue of Robert E. Lee. It’s already received widespread coverage in this month’s issue of “Excellent Idea – But Now??”
That’s right, Ralph Northam – who is believed to have appeared in blackface in a college yearbook photo – wants to do this. Talk about the pot calling the kettle either black or the guy next to him dressed as a Klansman.
Russia declared a state of emergency after an oil spill in the Arctic. It’s quite serious, and I’m sure you’ll want to help out after seeing this picture of the Russian oil disaster:
A man who dressed as The Joker was arrested for setting a police car on fire in Chicago. While a man who dressed as Two-Face is trying to remove a statue of Robert E. Lee.
And lastly, some news for “Tiger King” fans: handwriting experts say the will of Carole Baskin’s missing ex-husband appears to have been forged. When asked how they knew, they said, “For starters, it’s a paw print.”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
And now, a word from our President…