Well, Nancy Pelosi is now your aunt who saw Harry Belafonte at the Hollywood Bowl:
House Democrats were mocked for wearing stoles made of Kente cloth to show solidarity with the black community. Even worse, Bernie Sanders put a phonograph on his shoulder and called himself “Radio Rahim.”
Democrats said that the stoles were given to them by the Black Congressional Caucus. Then Pelosi said, “Wait – this is the Black Congressional Caucus, right?…”
Mitt Romney surprised some by marching at a Black Lives Matter rally in Utah. Said Romney, “The only KKK I support is Keen Kneeling Khakis!”
Here’s a selfie Romney took during the protests:
What you don’t see is the text that says, “Went to get Almond milk, got stuck.”
Piers Morgan says Trump should take a knee on live TV. To compromise, they’re just going to film him after he climbs the steps out of his bunker. “Just gimme, like, four more hours…”
Some say the answer is defunding police entirely. So if you’re one of those people, please buy me – I mean, “you” – the Ghostbusters PS4 game and a Beach Boys pinball machine.
In a speech to 2020 graduates, Michelle Obama said, “Don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you you’re too angry.” Then Barack muttered, “Remember that the next time they forget to bag my Nicorette.”
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced 20 miles of new bus service for Phase 1 of COVID-19 reopening. Yep, 20 miles – or, half a White House fence.
It’s reported that Kim Jong Un socially distanced himself from colleagues during a meeting. Yep, they sat one place, and he sat outside his dogs’ stomachs.
In sports news, Conor McGregor has again retired from UFC. But at least we’ll have something fun to watch to the next time Buffalo police encounter a retiree.
McGregor retired for the third time in four years. When asked if it’s due to exhaustion, he said, “Nah – each time we retire, they get us cupcakes from Magnolia.”
McGregor retired. But don’t worry – you can still see some great fighting inside this cage:
People noticed that Trump’s only “liked” tweet is about the HBO show “Insecure.” Said Trump, “Issa and Molly are soooooo like me and Pence…I mean, thumb slipped! Sad!”
Trump liked an “Insecure” tweet. You know what they say: “Insecure Recognize Insecure.”
Dunkin Donuts will offer college courses to employees. And this is cool: their archeology course is just studying the donuts in the display case. “Ooh, a Paleozoic cruller!”
Because of COVID-19, Hollywood plans to use CGI to produce sex scenes. Said one guy:
Speaking of which, CNN’s Chris Cuomo was caught in the background of one of his wife’s yoga videos. Or as James Earl Jones put it, “This…is T.M.I.”
Chris Cuomo appeared nude in his wife’s yoga video. Weird – I thought Anderson Cooper did the Ball Drop.
Chris Cuomo was outside his house and naked. Then his brother said, “I’ve reinstated the curfew for one of you.”
Yeah, Cuomo was walking around nude. Or as he said, “This just out.”
Yeah, really not what I had in mind when he promised updated poll numbers.
Cuomo was completely nude in his wife’s yoga video. Please tell me Lou Dobbs’ wife doesn’t do yoga.
Yep, Chris Cuomo was walking around a garden nude. Then Larry King said, “Just like I did with Eve!”
That’s right. Chris Cuomo gardens naked. Which explains his new name: Dong Lemon.