“Okay – who wrote this Burn Book about me?”
If it’s any consolation, his shoulder is sore from lifting it while his hand’s still sizzling.
After Trump forced his way to a photo-op in front of a church, a prominent White House figure said it just made things worse. When asked if their name could be used, they replied, “Say ‘Anonymous First Lady.’”
Actually, a photo was released from the president’s visit to the church with the First Lady:
My bad – that’s their wedding photo. “This was the only way her family wouldn’t boo me.”
Melania said, “I can still fit into that black dress! Not that I’m…hoping for…something…”
Meanwhile, Trump says he only visited the White House bunker to “make an inspection.” Specifically, to see if there was a phone charger next to the toilet.
Twitter says it will only censor tweets that are especially offensive. Like “Trump holding a Bible?? That’s like if (some lazy analogy that isn’t actually a joke)! Link to my special in bio!”
Defense Secretary Mark Esper went against Trump, saying the military should not be used to silence protesters. In response, Trump signed an Executive Order downgrading The Pentagon to The Square. “Don’t make me go Triangle! I swear I’ll go Triangle!”
Trump’s approval rating is slipping across the board, and is now at 39%. Marking just the latest way he’s brought our country back to the ‘30s.
And with North Carolina unable to host the Republican Convention, Trump needs a new venue to house all his supporters. And I think his staff did a great job finding an alternative:
And Saints quarterback Drew Brees says he refuses to “disrespect” the flag, and will not take a knee during the National Anthem. His fullbacks also promised not to take a knee – until Brees yells “Hike!”
A California auto dealer says looters stole 74 cars. Then he said, “But let me talk to my manager and see if I can get it down to 70. 😉”
Yep, 74 cars were stolen from an auto dealership. Meanwhile, one of its employees protested peacefully…
Yesterday, the music industry observed “Blackout Tuesday” – or as Keith Richards calls it, “Tuesday.” BUT FOLKS!
Actually, Blackout Tuesday was the music industry’s moment of silence to honor the memory of George Floyd, with many services going offline. Then today, 3 Doors Down said, “Weird – our music’s still not showing up…”
Philadelphia removed its defaced (improved?) statue of controversial mayor Frank Rizzo.
Said another statue…
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio says the MTA should enforce social distancing by blocking off every other seat on the subway. So in an ironic twist, the heroes in all this could be handbags and douchebags.
New York’s Metropolitan Opera canceled its fall season. As a result, the draft is pushed back to February, with free agency to begin in March. “Love this pick at falsetto, Chris! Big pipes, modest testicles, expect him to make an impact immediately.”
The NBA is officially set to resume play at Disney World on July 31. Or as you’ll soon read, “Seven Dwarfs 113, Knicks 86.”
The Postal Service has been hit hard by COVID-19, and may need a bailout. Though it doesn’t help that we can only lick stamps that have been quarantined for 14 days.
In Vermont, a man is facing charges after he threw a pickle from a car at a highway worker. Police opened the case immediately – then their friend said, “But I loosened it for you!”
When they examined the evidence, police said, “This just isn’t kosher.”
You know somewhere, someone’s like….
Heavy rains have led giant toxic toads to start mating in Florida. Confirming scientists’ longstanding theory that toads love “The Notebook.”
Yep, giant toxic toads are now mating in Florida. People aren’t sure what’s worse – the giant toads having sex, or the Murder Hornets filming it.
There’s a new documentary coming out about the rise and fall of businessman Ted Ngoy called “The Donut King.” People were really excited, until they heard the donuts were made of tigers. “Ugh – this again??”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon