My name is Jon, and I will never be famous enough to star in a bad anti-racism PSA.
If you had NASCAR being more woke than “Harry Potter,” did the bleach cure your COVID?
NASCAR driver Ray Ciccarelli said he’s quitting because he can’t display the Confederate flag. On the bright side, there’s now an Uber driver who can reach you in 10 seconds.
After “Cops” was canceled, some are calling for the cancelation of the children’s show “Paw Patrol.” I feel like telling these people to take a deep breath…but the CDC says that’s not allowed until Phase 7.
Eric Trump actually tweeted “Now the left wants to cancel ‘Paw Patrol.’ These people are truly insane.” And I get it – I mean, then what would he watch?
After protests in Seattle, President Trump said, “Take back your city NOW. If you don’t do it, I will. This is not a game. These ugly Anarchists must be stopped IMMEDIATELY. MOVE FAST!” Then the people on the other end said…
White House aides have apparently turned off tweet notifications from President Trump. Instead, they’ll just listen for a toilet flush.
Joe Biden says if Trump loses and refuses to leave the White House, he will deploy the military to remove him. Then I called my rheumatologist to ask what would happen if I ate 30 tubs of popcorn.
Yeah, Biden said if Trump refuses to leave the, he will have the military remove him. Then one guy said, “Don’t worry, Dad – we still got Paw Patrol!”
During his daily COVID-17 address, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he supports Manhattan’s statue of Christopher Columbus, because it represents the “Italian-American contribution in New York.” Even Little Caesar was like, “Tone deaf, tone deaf!”
Yep, the same week Chris Cuomo appeared nude in his wife’s yoga video, Andrew defended Columbus. The last time I saw two Italian brothers under this much fire, it was coming from Bowser.
Disneyland is planning to reopen on July 17. But it’s not a good sign when you exit the Haunted Mansion and the ghosts say, “See ya soon for orientation!”
24 Hour Fitness has been laying-off employees over the phone. While to cancel your membership, you must use a quill to pen thousand-word letter, then send a hummingbird to deliver it in a tornado.
Business Insider posted a list of the best cities to live in after the pandemic, with number one being Springfield, Illinois. Topping its list of worst cities: Sneezeport, South Diarrhea.
Meanwhile, Sony announced its economic recovery plan: sell one PlayStation 5.
Sony unveiled PS5, and it costs 500 dollars. Analysts called it the best ad yet for PS4.
The games are different. In NBA 2K, “MyPlayer” is just you at home playing NBA 2K; and in Grand Theft Auto, you take whatever car you want since all the police have been fired.
NBA fans noticed Nuggets star Nikola Jokic lost a lot of weight during quarantine.
Here he is before:
Now here he is after:
Elon Musk is working on a new transport system to take people from Las Vegas out to the Raiders’ new stadium. He says it’s kind of like the subway, except it’s just like the subway.
Scientists in Louisiana say they’ve discovered a pill that can stop obesity. Now comes the hard part: teaching people how to snort a pill.
And scientists in Japan say they have discovered the perfect hug. One thing those scientists haven’t discovered: news.
Ancient footprints show that ancient crocodiles may have run around on land. And you can tell the footprints are ancient, because they were left by Reebok Pumps.
“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling wrote a 3,600-word essay defending her stance on the transgender community, giving people who own her books a year’s supply of toilet paper.
Yep, J.K. Rowling defended an awful position. Or as fans call it, “a Dumbledown.” (Note: I searched EVERYWHERE for this joke and couldn’t find it. So either I’ve become the Old Man in the Apple Store, or literally nobody is funny. May God have mercy on us all.)
And lastly, “Sopranos” creator David Chase inadvertently revealed whether Tony Soprano was killed in the show’s infamous final scene. And if you want to learn for yourself, check out the new book, “The