My Good Sir…
Today, President Trump turned 74 years old. And tomorrow, he should reach the bottom of that ramp.
In case you haven’t seen it, here’s Trump exiting the stage at West Point’s graduation:
There you go – another thing that lasted longer than the Confederacy.
May we all have the restraint of the West Point Band tuba player.
Wow – even when he’s congratulating the military his bone spurs act up.
Did Eric drop his Legos again?
When he got to the bottom, he said, “Is my term over yet? Crap. I’ll go back up again…”
Well, certainly even Trump wouldn’t - oh wait, yep, here it is:
“Momentum!”
Yes. Smart move not giving us anything at all to have fun with, President Stay Puft.
I get it though – you’d hate to see him fall and get a ramp stamp.
“Ran ten feet.” I guess that’s why he was telling his FitBit, “Fake Watch!”
Based on Trump’s behavior, some say he may have suffered a stroke. And that may be, because the other day, I noticed one of his tweets had zero typos.
People think Trump may have had a stroke, and one person even asked, “Does this mean we need to feel sorry for him?” Then the doctors said, “Well, he is your husband.”
But today was Trump’s birthday. And to celebrate, he rented his advisors a bouncy jail.
He had a fun party - but it got awkward when Trump needed that soldier from West Point to hoist him up on his shoulders to whack the piñata.
After angering the LGBTQ community, Trump is also losing the female vote by an historic margin. I guess that explains Trump’s new running mate: “Michelle” Pence. “Do I have to call my wife ‘Father’ now?”
Yeah, Trump’s poll numbers continue to drop quickly. Or as his staff told him, “Momentum!”
Well, it happened again…
An Atlanta police officer was fired and another suspended after a black man named Rayshard Brooks was shot, after allegedly stealing a tazer and running away during a DUI stop. Because if there’s one person who’s a threat, it’s a drunk guy running away while trying to figure out an electronic device.
The cops said, “What were we supposed to do?” And witnesses said, “Wait five steps?”
This led to the resignation of Atlanta Police Chief Erika Shields, who weeks ago went viral by peacefully conversing with protestors. The city denies this is an impulsive PR stunt, and said all should sleep soundly under the watchful eye of Chief Fuhrman.
It all started because Brooks’ car was “blocking” a Wendy’s drive-thru. That’s it. That’s all. To put that in perspective: I don’t drink, and I once gave my order twice before realizing I was talking into a garbage can.
Last night, protestors came and burned the Wendy’s down, leaving nothing but charred remains. So this morning, the owner showed up and put up a new sign that said “Arby’s.”
Due to their name’s association to the Confederacy, Lady Antebellum announced they are changing their name to Lady A. Said Kid Rock, “Please - call me Lady Antebellum.”
Yep, Lady Antebellum is changing its name to Lady A. Provided it’s not an alias being used by Lindsey Graham.
Fox News confused a Reddit post quoting a line from “Monty Python & The Holy Grail” with a report about in-fighting in the Seattle Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone. Which still isn’t as bad as the footage they released of “riots”:
Some NBA players are now having second thoughts about resuming the season, because basketball would distract from important political movements. I disagree, because when I’m asked how I’m voting, I say, “Not for the guy who looks like a basketball.”
Players had a call to discuss it. Kyrie Irving said he doesn’t think they should play; LeBron said they should; then Vladimir Putin said, “Is not important, I have already picked winner.,”
There’s also the matter of whether it’s actually safe to resume play in light of COVID-19. I guess the players got nervous when they asked if it’s safe and the doctor said...
And in baseball news: turns out Tom Hanks was wrong.
I read that COVID-19 has Spain’s bullfighters asking for a bailout. I guess when they opened the pens, the bulls said, “Actually, could you close that til there’s a vaccine?”
A man in Belgium has spent his quarantine on a treadmill walking 1,000 miles. When asked what he does for work, he said, “I’m in charge of developing a COVID-19 vaccine.”
Yeah, a guy walked 1,000 miles. Friends call him dedicated to fitness, while The Proclaimers called him a showoff.
There’s actually some pretty amazing footage of the guy walking 1,000 miles. Take a look:
Yeah, I know none of these Trump jokes will age well. But neither will we.
Students in North Conway, New Hampshire held a socially distant graduation at a ski resort, where they rode a chairlift to the top of a mountain to receive their diploma. And really, what’s better than getting your diploma and hearing, “It’s all downhill from here!”
Keep Your Mood Up,
Jon