Rock/Cena 2024??? (DONATE HERE)
When asked what name he wanted to donate under, he said “John Ce—uhhh, you know what? Hulk Hogan. And here’s his email and phone number…”
NASCAR announced it is banning the Confederate flag from all events. Those on the right are upset, but what do you expect from guys who are always turning left?
Some NASCAR fans expressed disappointment in the decision, while drivers said, “WHAT?? YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT FOR CIRCUMCISION??”
Don’t worry - if you’re jonesing for going nowhere but also crashing, you’ve got five more months of Trump.
This is pretty crazy: a new poll found that 27% of Americans see President Trump as a man of faith. Then they said, “Oh, faith? I thought you said cakes.”
Trump’s actually got a lot in common with Jesus: they inherited everything from their dad; they only have 12 friends; and they each spent three days underground.
HBO Max is pulling “Gone With the Wind,” because it’s afraid of the message it will send to young people. Kids were furious – they said, “Now how do I do my summer reading??”
Meanwhile, Paramount has canceled “COPS.” But you can still look forward to its spinoffs: “CAMPUS SECURITY,” “MUSEUM GUARDS” and “INMATES.”
I guess they realized it didn’t make sense to produce “COPS,” since everyone in America has filmed an entire season on their smartphone.
Police Benevolent Association President Patrick Lynch gave a speech, and people noticed that he looks a lot like Henry Winkler:
It makes sense he looks like Fonzie, since the Minneapolis Police Department is now located in a diner’s bathroom.
Yeah, he looks like Fonzie. The only difference is instead of elbowing the jukebox, he leans on it for nine minutes until it stops playing.
Bernie Sanders said he is against defunding the police, and wants to pay cops more. Then Bernie supporters said, “Can you believe Hillary dressed up as Bernie and said that??”
Tucker Carlson went on a rant against Elmo, for comments made during a “Sesame Street” town hall on racism. When asked what it’s like feuding with a puppet, Elmo said, “I’m not tickled.” #DoubleJoke
Yep, Tucker Carlson vs. Elmo. Or as Brian Kilmeade calls that, “Sophie’s Choice.”
I read that hair products typically purchased by black shoppers are now locked up in Walmart. And a white guy’s mad because looting made him close his meth lab in aisle 7.
Multiple security agencies have purchased a mysterious device that can eavesdrop on phone calls. Now comes the hard part: waiting for someone in 2020 to make a phone call.
Agencies like the FBI and CIA are apparently eavesdropping. I could tell just by watching “Millionaire,” when someone used their Phone-A-Friend and a third voice said, “She’s wrong – it’s Spiro T. Agnew.”
Someone beheaded a Christopher Columbus statue in Boston’s North End. Take a look:
Then the Mayor said, “Uh…how do you like our new Ichabod Crane statue??”
But don’t worry – Boston officials announced a plan to rebuild the statue that will last just 20 years. (Credit to Tommy Rico)
Someone beheaded an Italian in Boston’s North End. And I had the same thought as you…
(Fun fact: that’s the only parrot that refused to repeat what it heard.)
And in Virginia, people removed a Columbus statue and threw it in a river. They tried the same thing in New Jersey, but he blended in with the other Italians in the river…
You can tell Trump’s a little confused about the vandalism, because went to Madame Tussauds and stood in front of Columbo. “I stand by ALL law enforcement!!”
The removal of the Columbus statues is meant to protest how white people stole the land of Native Americans. Said Native Americans, “Don’t worry – we’ve got another plan…”
Well this is a total shocker: COVID-19 numbers have apparently risen in 21 states. Or as Trump tweeted, “Numbers up in 21 states! Thank you!”
United Airlines is asking passengers to pass a health checklist before flying. Simple questions, like “Have you recovered from the Scorpion bites you got boarding a United flight? And are your bruises from being dragged off a United flight?”
It’s looking more likely the baseball season is going to be canceled due to COVID-19 concerns. You can tell players are worried – today in Iowa, Joe Jackson wore shoes.
Then a voice from the cornfield whispered, “Don’t build it.”
Coachella is officially canceled this year. So if you want to see Rage Against the Machine, come over and watch me teach Mom how to use Netflix. “I want to watch ‘Tiger Things’!” “It’s ‘Tiger King.’” “What about ‘Stranger Cards’??” “No - it only has ‘Cheers.’”
In England, Prime Minister Boris Johnson lifted certain COVID-19 restrictions, allowing people who don’t live together to have sex. Said one woman…
Well, no better time than now: Cracker Barrel will now serve alcohol. While at IHOP, you actually need to be drunk to enter.
Yep, Cracker Barrel is serving alcohol. In related news, “COPS” has just been renewed.
Experts believe they may have finally discovered the ancient Tomb of Cleopatra. The weird thing is, they found it in Carole Baskin’s backyard.
Michael Jordan recently caught a 442-pound marlin. Then the marlin won 442 bucks playing poker with Michael Jordan.
A new study shows that great white sharks have no idea what’s going on outside their habitat until they grow up. You can read all about it in, “Sharks: Just Like People.”
And a New Jersey man says a whale nearly capsized his boat. To be fair, he did tell the whale it was an awful Governor.
I saw that Prince Philip turned 99 years old today. When asked how he and the Queen would celebrate, he said, “Jester and chill.”
A New Hampshire man can return to New York, after paying a parking ticket from the 70s. Then Son of Sam said, “That’s all it takes?? Here’s my cash! See y’all on the bullety-blop!”
And speaking of New Hampshire, the owner of my old gig, the Hampton Cinemas has set up a drive-in to play movies in a CVS parking lot during social distancing. Take a look:
The only catch is going behind the screen to sneak in candy from CVS. “No outside Twix!”
Yep, John Tinios reopened a makeshift Hampton Cinemas outside CVS. When asked where he got the screen he said, “That’s actually my receipt from CVS.”
Yep, a drive-in at a CVS during quarantine. Which means you can go inside the store and use a self-checkout, then get in your car and do a self-makeout.
Keep Your Mood Up,
Jon
