I knew how much trouble we’re in when the mosquitos had some guys spray for us.
Today, the 2020 Boston Marathon was canceled due to COVID-19. Ugh – the one year I almost puked while chasing after my toddler.
Mayor Walsh says the Marathon will be held “virtually.” Which should explain things when a runner from Kenya loses to Vladimir Putin and Zack from the Geek Squad.
Yeah, people will compete virtually via treadmill. Runners can’t wait to turn on the treadmill, crank it up, then spend two hours on the couch watching “Cheers.” “What – it’s in Boston!”
But everyone was talking about the Marathon. Even cops in Minnesota said, “Wow – this is definitely the race issue we should be discussing today…”
Four police officers in Minneapolis were fired after they killed an unarmed black man. A spokesman for the officers defended them, saying, “They never for one second - and I mean, never - would have done this if they weren’t racist.”
Despite stay at home orders, protests occurred in Minneapolis after police officers killed a black man named George Floyd. Republicans were so appalled, they nearly fell onto each other’s pool floats.
After the protests, dozens of businesses were burned and vandalized. In fact workers at the MyPillow plant reported one million dollars in improvements.
So now Trump’s got two things on his plate: riots in Minneapolis and his feud with the media. Which is why he told the National Guard to taze the Mary Tyler Moore statue. “She’s no Rhoda! Sad!”
Trump also continued his feud with Twitter, demanding that it be shut down. Man, talk about grabbing the hand that feeds you because when you’re a star, they let you do it.
Mark Zuckerberg seemed to agree, saying websites aren’t responsible for saying whether news is fake. But what would you expect from the man who killed JonBenét Ramsey?
Despite this, Trump was up for hours sending out tweets. When told he shouldn’t be tweeting in the middle of the night, Trump signed an Executive Order banning night.
Trump retweeted a post saying the only good Democrat is a dead one. Said one guy…
Some good news: the 2020 VMAs may go on as scheduled in August. You know the VMAs – it’s the show you tune in to watch, then end up saying, “I think I’m old enough to be considered ‘at-risk.’”
But Cheyenne’s Frontier Days Rodeo was canceled for the first time in 124 years. So if you want to see someone destroy the Bulls for no reason, just watch “The Last Dance.”
That’s right, the rodeo was canceled due to COVID-19. Asked if it’ll return next year, the rodeo chairman shrugged and said, “This is my first pandemic.” #AThinker
CBS News was hit hard by layoffs, and had to scale things way back. But don’t worry – they’ll announce plans to fix everything this Sunday on “16 Minutes.”
In sports news, the Carolina Panthers signed free agent Eli Apple. Incidentally, “Eli Apple” is also the guy Trump thinks put Twitter on our phones. “Between him and Bill Windows!…”
The MLB Network says it will air 64 consecutive hours of Derek Jeter programming. Which sounds cool, til you hear it’s just one regular season game against the Orioles.
A trailer for a new PBS documentary on actress Mae West referred to her as a “Sexual Gangster.” Then the guys making a Bob Ross documentary said, “Well there goes our title.”
Actually, a group in Philly is planning the biggest orgy of all time to celebrate the end of the pandemic. They’ve got a pretty interesting name – the Philadelphia 69ers.
Yep, a group in Philadelphia is planning to have an orgy to mark the end of COVID-19. Which means the city of our forefathers could produce kids with four fathers.
Yeah, there’s gonna be an orgy in Philly. So, you might want to think twice if your spouse says they couldn’t choose between Pat’s and Geno’s.
One guy will be like, “This is the story all about how, my wife got flip-turned upside down…”
This is real. A couple in Philadelphia is planning a massive orgy. Said one of them…
Keep Yourselves Up! But not THAT up!
Jon