I had a thought: taking the High Road is the best way to get to the “Hi!” Road.
But time runs one way. So if you miss your bypass, time may pass you by.
(Now available to write fortune cookies.)
We had a beautiful day in the Northeast, without a cloud in sight. Then the sky said, “Now will you guys stop yelling at me every morning?? (For three months! Knock it off!)”
The big story right now is that President Trump wants to shut down Twitter. And I’ve found that smelling salts work wonderfully after you actually agree with him.
Yep, Trump said he wants to shut down social media platforms that are silencing conservative voices. Then he said, “Please retweet!”
This came a day after Twitter prompted users to check facts in tweets sent by Trump. People said, “Even during quarantine, there’s only so many hours in a day…”
But Twitter actually made it pretty easy. For instance with this tweet…
Twitter corrected it to say: “‘Warrantless Surveillance’ is a straight-to-video Steven Seagal movie.”
Then for this one…
Twitter corrected it to say: “‘Small potatoes’ is what Trump calls raisins.”
Finally, for this one…
Twitter corrected it to say: “Headed to the potty to ‘land an Air Force Two.’”
Meanwhile, Trump plans to push ahead with his scheduled July 4th parade in spite of the pandemic. Because if history’s taught us anything, presidents never regret a parade.
Joe Biden said Trump is trying to act like some kind of “macho” man by not wearing a facemask. And by eating nothing but Slim Jims. “Uh oh – hear comes a Marine Two…”
Today, CNBC anchors Joe Kernan and Andrew Ross Sorkin got into a shouting match about COVID-19. NBC News couldn’t believe it – they said, “We still have two men who weren’t fired?”
Yeah, two CNBC anchors got into a shouting match. They knew they’d gone off the rails when Jim Cramer was like, “Guys – indoor voices!”
Disney World plans to open on July 11th, but all guests must have their temperatures checked before entering. Or as dads will say, “Great – two ways I’m gonna take it up the—I WASN’T GOING TO SAY THE A-WORD IN FRONT OF THE KIDS, CHRISTINE!”
Disney World will also require all guests to wear facemasks. It’s perfect if you’ve ever wanted a photo of your family riding Splash Mountain with Slipknot.
Yep, you have to wear masks at Disney World. While at the Hall of Presidents, they’ve programmed the Trump robot to call you a wimp.
And the NHL is coming back. Man, I cannot wait for two guys to collide, take off their gloves, put their gloves back on and agree to disagree in these unprecedented times.
That’s right, the NHL is working on a plan to resume play. And because of the pandemic, the winning team will receive 23 Stanley Juice Boxes. (With paper straws.)
The NFL is apparently worried about its finances, with some teams facing a cash shortage. So I guess that means every team will be the Chargers. 😎
New research says that the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs hit Earth at “the deadliest possible angle.” Apparently, it landed in an overcrowded pool of dinosaurs in the Ozarks.
Lady Gaga and Arianna Grande appeared on The Weather Channel to promote their song “Rain on Me.” Just as The Old Farmer’s Almanac predicted.
And lastly, Burger King faced criticism after someone asked their favorite Taylor Swift song, and they tweeted back “the one about her ex.” Then her ex said…
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon