During my first year at my favorite job “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” (did you see #2 is making a comeback??), I rode the elevator down with a coworker who was black (and still is, as a matter of fact). This is someone I look up to and who is greatly respected by all. As I lived in Queens (did you see the peaceful protest that occurred there over the weekend?), I was taking the subway. This person planned on taking a cab. So, I waited alongside, making small talk while they began hailing (I, excited and proud of some one-on-one gabbing with a cool, talented person.)
10 minutes later, not one cab had stopped. Yes, it was 5:45 in midtown Manhattan, but then I noticed something: a lot of cabs that had their “in service” lights on a block down were suddenly “out of service” as they approached us. Just to see what would happen, I stood a few feet behind this person and put my own arm out. Two minutes in, a cab pulled over – and the driver’s eyes shifted nervously as the coworker – and not I – hopped in and rode off. I felt gross. Not just because of all those cabs that passed by, but the fact my friend probably thought “Finally – a good cabbie” and had no idea it took a white guy to get the cabbie’s attention. That’s when I thought I began to “get it,” but I never will. That’s the truth. A white person will never know what it’s like to be black in America. And another truth I wish I’d learned sooner: it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” That’s better than lying or faking it. So just face facts: say “I don’t know,” and find a way to ask how you can help. And take care of yourself as well. Do what you do, don’t let your skills atrophy…
It came out that President Trump has been staying in an underground bunker. It’s only fitting our foremost bigot is officially Mr. Bunker. “From now on, I’m calling Jared ‘Jerkyhead.’”
You could tell Trump was a little confused. As they rode the elevator to a secret underground layer, he said, “Wait – am I Batman??”
There was another awkward moment when the elevator went a few floors too low, and the other hobbits gave him hell for firing Jeff Sessions.
That’s right, Trump is safely locked away in an underground bunker. When they heard that, 25 women were finally able to come out of their underground bunkers.
During protests in D.C., the White House shut off its lights. Or as that’s also known, “Don Jr. & Eric Protocol.”
Violence erupted in Boston last night, as looters and rioters descended on the city after a peaceful protest. Boston officials say they haven’t seen this much senseless destruction since the Big Dig.
Yep, a bunch of white loudmouths that make everyone else in Boston look bad. When asked why they chose to riot now, they said, “Because we won’t get to do it after the Super Bowl.”
With Bill de Blasio’s term coming up, CNN President Jeff Zucker hinted at running for Mayor. He joins a growing field who feel they would be a better mayor: everyone.
Michael Jordan released an impassioned statement calling for change in the aftermath of George Floyd’s death. Then Horace Grant said, “But I checked it for typos! I helped!!”
And Chicago, police communications were disrupted and music was played over their radios. So to all the parents out there: “Baby Shark” can be used for good and not evil.
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
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And as for the media’s reporting of the “violent protesters” in Boston…