Sorry I missed a few days. Phone needed some time to air out after m’dip in the Ozarks. (S’all good – bought a new one using the president’s checking account.)
Tomorrow is the unofficial start of summer. So if you spend the day outdoors, make sure to check your ticks for Murder Hornets.
It’s nice though – from tomorrow to Labor Day, it’s perfectly acceptable to wear white sweatpants around your house.
This weekend, President Trump and Jeff Sessions got into a Twitter war. So to answer your question, younger me, a Keebler Elf can hold its own against an Oompa Loompa, and that is a perfectly valid Senior Thesis.
The big story last week was Joe Biden’s remarks about Black voters supporting Trump. While it’s certainly a divisive issue, you can’t argue it was offensive to person of colors:
In a truly shocking turn of events, COVID-19 has become a political issue, with Democrats obeying stay-at-home issues and Republicans saying that quarantining is “going overboard.” You know, just like the people who made it off the Titanic in time.
Here’s my plan: Everyone who wears a mask should put the 2016 popular vote on it. THEN, Trumpers will put the electoral vote on theirs. THEN, everyone is wearing a mask. #Rineman2024 🇺🇸
A new poll shows that half of Fox News viewers think Bill Gates plans to use a vaccination against COVID-19 to implant microchips in us and track our movements. So not only do we beat the virus; we can get rid of Facebook Memories and all get our own “Last Dance”?? Cut me, Bill!
And churches around the country were allowed to reopen today. But in light of the pandemic, Communion was bring-your-own-blood.
The front page of today’s New York Times was made up of 1,000 people lost to COVID-19. While the sports page featured 1,000 people Trump played golf with this weekend.
Yep, Trump played golf again this weekend. In related news, they’re now known as SEAL Team Six Hornets.
Speaking of golf, Tom Brady, Tiger Woods, Peyton Manning and Phil Mickelson played on TV today. Marking the first time where the guys in the Flomax commercials were younger than all the golfers.
Brady really struggled on the golf course. So if you always hoped to see Tom Brady suck at sports, did you not watch football last year?
In fact, things went so bad for Brady, at one point, he split his pants. You know this might be a rough season when even in golf, Brady struggles with end zone coverage.
First Brady’s mic got cut, next he splits his pants, then he sucks at golf - or as that’s also known, “The Charles Barkley Trifecta.”
But some good news: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that facilities in New York can reopen to all professional sports teams and the Knicks.
The NBA is set to resume play in July at Disney World. But it’ll get weird when they ride “It’s a Small World” and Kyrie keeps saying, “And flat!”
Today, Bob Dylan turned 79 years old. Dylan’s birthday party is great, because it’s the only one where he doesn’t sing “Happy Birthday.”
Yep, Dylan blew out his candles, made a wish, and then God nodded like a shopping mall Santa after hearing 20 seconds of babbling from a toddler. “I’ll…get right on that, Bob!”
There was actually a debate about TikTok, with some saying it’s just for young people, and others saying that’s “ageist.” Finally it ended when someone said, “Guys, girls, relax – you’re all morons!”
FX’s vampire comedy “What We Do in the Shadows” is back for a third season. But you’ll know they made adjustments based on the virus when the vampires turn into parrots.
And lastly, an alligator that was supposedly owned by Adolph Hitler died at 84. Ironically, it was struck by an errant golf ball hit by President Trump.
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon