Last night was the finale of “The Masked Singer.” I won’t spoil who won, but it was good to see Dr. Fauci on TV again.
But the big news is that today, Lori Loughlin chose to plead “How rude.”
That’s right, Lori Loughlin will plead guilty for her role in the college admissions scandal. Her lawyer couldn’t believe it – he said, “Whatever happened to defendability??”
There is some good news: today she was named a cohost for “Wake Up Cell Block D.”
Since she pled guilty, Loughlin will receive a two-month sentence. When asked if she could get out early, her lawyer said, “Knock on…
A host on “Daily Blast Live” tried to make her own joke about it, but ran into a little trouble:
Well – at least one journalism job just opened up!
“And Felicity Huffman can star in ‘Desperate Jailwives!’ Anywho! COVID-19 has killed a million people.”
Even Trump and Biden were like, “Now that’s an awkward transition!”
Right away, her producer was like…
President Trump has apparently said he wishes he could run against Hillary again. When asked why, he said, “So I could vote for Hillary.”
And “Tiger King” Joe Exotic is seeking an official pardon from President Trump. But it’ll get weird after when Trump says, “Okay – now you pardon me.”
In New York City, a couple was filmed having sex on an empty subway platform. So while most lines are still down, the D Train’s up and running. BUT FOLKS!
A new study shows that by wearing a face mask, Hamsters stopped spreading the coronavirus. Then hamsters said, “Does this mean we can go to concerts again?”
Yep, hamsters who cooperated in wearing facemasks stopped the spread of COVID-19. So, early congratulations to President Hamster.
UPDATE: Trump did wear a mask today while touring a plant in Michigan. Take a look:
He said, “It’s no biggie - I keep it in my pocket in case I run into Don Jr. or Eric.”
Actually, after five minutes of inhaling Cheeto breath, Trump decided to wear it forever.
But the most dramatic moment was when Trump visited a bank and slipped the teller a note that said, “Covfefe.”
Sports stadiums are trying to be creative, with some turning their parking lots into drive-ins. At the Broncos’ stadium, they’re going to project movies onto Peyton Manning’s forehead.
Yankee Stadium hopes to use its parking lot as a drive-in. They’ll show classics such as “Pride of the Yankees,” and comedies such as “Up 3-0 to the Red Sox.”
Yep, Yankee Stadium’s parking lot in the Bronx will become a drive-in. The way it works is, someone takes your order on one side, while someone takes your hubcaps on the other.
It looks like the NBA will try to resume its season in July at Disney World. LeBron hopes to play at EPCOT, since they make it so easy to travel.
ESPN is working on a 10-part documentary about Tom Brady called “Man in the Arena.” And what better name for someone who spent his whole life playing in stadiums? “Don’t forget to check out our Lance Armstrong documentary: ‘Dude in the Racecar!’”
Yep, ESPN is making a documentary about Tom Brady. Meanwhile, Animal Planet has a new series where people teach tricks to Rob Gronkowski.
And there was a rumor that “This is Us” might be not able to resume production until next year. Fans were like, “Great – NOW what’s supposed to make us cry?”
Elon Musk’s Crew Dragon space capsule will take off for the International Space Station next week with two astronauts on board. Then one will turn to the other and say, “Welp – wanna play 20,000 questions?”
Yep, the capsule will only carry two people. Or, twice as many as any other flight right now.
William Shatner sent out a tweet saying that if one of the astronauts changes his mind about going, he will take their place. Even Alf was like, “Ugh – block.”
Saturday marks the 40th anniversary of Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining,” and a lot of articles mention how child actor Danny Lloyd had no idea he was filming a horror movie. Even crazier? Neither did Jack Nicholson. “You’re gonna add the zany ‘boink’ and ‘doink’ sounds in post, aren’t ya?” 😎
Yep, it’s a film about a struggling writer who descends into madness after months in isolation. And I cannot wait to sit down and watch it with my bartender Lloyd.
Happy Birthday to Mr. T, who turned 68 today. I don’t wanna say he’s gotten old, because making a joke about Mr. T. would just show how old I am. (I don’t need your pity.)
And lastly, researchers in Antarctica say they may have found a parallel universe. When asked for proof of this “parallel universe,” they said, “Well for starters – Trump’s president.”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
Yeah, I spoiled it for you. Now go read the (far superior) book.