I want to congratulate James Carville on his new gig as a New England weatherman…
“And no one’s gonna make more money this year than the airlines!!”
As I write this, votes are still being counted. President Trump is furious, Don Jr. is beside himself, and Eric’s like, “Wait, numbers go higher than ten?? (But I only have ten fingers! Wait, do thumbs count?? Do numbers go higher than thumb??)”
The reason this is taking so long is because officials are counting mail-in ballots. It'll be pretty hilarious if the generation that's "always on their damn computers" winds up winning an election...via the mail.
In the meantime, Joe Biden is urging supporters to have patience. Trump’s like, “What do you mean? Thanks to me, American has, like, 9.5 million patients!”
See, I don’t just want Biden to win so we can stop making fun of Trump; I want to get back to making fun of Biden. Remember the “Seinfeld” when Kramer started acting like Jerry? That’s what this feels like. We need our Kramer back! Make Biden Kramer Again! 😎
But as I write this, Joe Biden is on the verge of becoming our 46th president. No more Trump! Which explains the lead story on tomorrow’s “Maddow”:
Pray for me, Rachel!!
And last night, Trump was clearly unhappy with things, and sent out this tweet:
“Poles.” Amazing – even by mistake, Trump manages to insult an ethnic group.
Trump supporters in Detroit stormed a hall where ballots were being counted, chanting “Stop the count!” Incidentally, “Stop The Count” is what Eric yells when he watches “Sesame Street.” “Seriously, what’s this ‘eleven, twelve’ bullcrap??”
Yep, Biden will win both the popular vote and the electoral. But look at the bright side: Trump’s doctor doesn’t have to lie anymore when he says he’s under 270.
Joe Biden actually got more votes than any presidential candidate in U.S. history. Or as another guy put it, “[Sigh] Okay, now you can call me Barry.” “How about B-Dawg?” “That’s it! Forget it!”
Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame Star had to actually be boarded up with wood. Marking the first time Californians are like, “Eh, what’s one more fire?”
And lastly, I’m proud to say Trump lost handily in my home state of New Hampshire. Trump was pretty depressed – so we offered him some drugs from our infested den.
Hey speaking of close ones – we are SO close to our goal with Anti-Social Skills. But we now have less than a week to go. So before I start returning the favor by e-mailing Joe Biden every half hour, I implore you all: please get yourselves some A.S.S. Because if you don’t, I’m going to start saying “You can’t spell ‘fund’ without ‘fun.’” I mean it. I’ll say it over and over. Help us out with ASSkills!
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon