Well, for the first time ever, R. Kelly was actually disappointed to hear the words “10 to 15.”
R. Kelly was found guilty on all counts in his sex trafficking trial. He will serve a minimum of 10 years in federal prison, after which he’ll be eligible to perform standup in Austin.
R. Kelly was immediately taken into custody, as prosecutors believe he could fly.
President Biden received his COVID booster, meaning he has done three shots. Just like Biden’s Press Secretary every time she has to explain one of his stories. “Okay, so he had a bulldog named Rex. But his milkman was also named Rex. But Rex the Milkman’s nickname was Bulldog. You with me so far?”
Biden said he still plans to take proper COVID precautions, such as wearing a mask and two pairs of aviators.
Massachusetts State Troopers are resigning over the state’s vaccination mandate, according to the State Police Association of Massachusetts – or “SPAM.” Also being pressured to resign: the troopers’ Director of Acronyms.
“We’re glad they’re gone!” said People Initiating Mature Pickups, or…
Kyrie Irving has been ruled inactive by the Brooklyn Nets after refusing a COVID-19 vaccination. Marking the first time ever Kyrie passed up a shot.
40 years after trying to kill President Reagan, John Hinckley Jr. was granted release from prison. Though the parole board could’ve come up with a better reason than, “What’s he gonna do – try to kill him again??”
Today Mayor de Blasio said he planned to visit Rikers Island. Then Mayor Giuliani said, “Hey – me too!”
This year’s Tony Awards got the show’s lowest ratings ever. A bunch of Tonys and everyone else just looking the other way – which also describes New Jersey.
And lastly, a shipment of DiGiorno pizzas was recalled after it was discovered they contain an unapproved ingredient. Which explains their new slogan: “It’s not delivery – it’s dewormer!”
Come See Me This Friday at The Comedy Studio (8 & 10)
OR…HEADLINING Nick’s Comedy Stop October 22 & 23!
In the meantime, Massachusetts should just hire these guys!