The U.N. General Assembly continued today. There were set to be speakers from a number of foreign countries, such as Maldives, Qatar, and Florida.
Secretary-General Antonio Guterres spoke of the urgent problems facing the world, and criticized billionaires for spending their money on going to space. Then billionaires said, “That’s not fair – we also dressed like Teletubbies at the Met Gala!”
Filmmaker Ken Burns said we are living through one of the worst times in America, equal to the Civil War, The Great Depression and World War II. When asked if there were any worse times, Burns said “Yes…”
“…my wig-fittings.”
Trump Organization prosecutors discovered new evidence hidden in a basement. No, it wasn’t Trump’s tax returns – it was Eric eating Trump’s tax returns. “Dad gave me ketchup!”
Chinese President Xi Jinping ordered the government to crack down on “effeminate men.” “And that’s an order!” said the president whose name is pronounced “she.”
While broadcasting Monday Night Football, Peyton Manning suggested the Patriots bugged visiting teams’ locker rooms with listening devices. His brother Eli agreed, while a third voice jumped in and said, “No we don’t.”
Rob Gronkowski said he never watches film, and just asks Tom Brady everything. Even worse: he was talking about when they go to the movies. “Did Slimer show up yet?” “No.” “You’ll tell me when Slimer shows up, right?” “Just watch!” “I’m scared of the baby Marshmallow Men!”
In New Zealand, two men broke COVID protocol by smuggling a large KFC order, including three buckets of chicken, ten cups of coleslaw, french fries and four other bags of food. New Zealand refused to call it acceptable, while America refused to call it “large.”
Airlines worldwide are bracing for a shortage of pilots. Which should explain things when the captain hands your kid some toy wings, leaves the cockpit and says, “It’s 2 o’clock somewhere!”
And lastly, people celebrated “Earth Wind & Fire Day,” as September 21st is the date in the group’s hit “September.” While Green Day said, “Can you guys keep it down?”