Last night, California Governor Gavin Newsom survived his recall election. 5,840,283 people voted “NO” on recalling Governor Newsom, while 3,297,145 were running against Governor Newsom.
Newsom got by on his major campaign promises: if a high-speed crash collides with your house, you get to keep the car; everyone over 40 gets to play for the Lakers; and if your dog doesn't poop on James Woods' Walk of Fame star, Newsom will do it himself.
The results meant a defeat for Republican Larry Elder, often called the next Donald Trump. Incidentally, “Larry Elder” is what Trump used to call Larry King. “He’s on the same channel as Wolf Beardman…”
Late Night shows from NBC, ABC and CBS will dedicate a night of programming to climate change awareness. While on “Gutfeld,” they’ll fire a can of horse dewormer at the sun.
Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un ordered a missile launch that was apparently so powerful, it blew up his office:
Actually, that’s just Kim Jong Un hosting his late night show about climate change.
The oldest surviving World War II vet turned 112, and credits his longevity to being kind to others. Then he signed up for Twitter, and services will be held on Friday.
The Wrap ran an article on how Hollywood is looking to make more “blue sky” comedies, and is searching for “the next Ted Lasso.” The way it works is, you spend two months developing a concept, three months looking for a production company, and one month prepping your pitch until every executive says, “I dunno – sounds a lot like ‘Ted Lasso.’”
Incidentally, “Ted Lasso” is what Trump called the guy who invented lassos. “We need them to round up the Beardmen!”
McDonald’s teamed with Disney to offer toys from their classic films in Happy Meals. The companies say if the promotion goes as planned, they could finally make money.
The deal’s pretty simple; if you ask for something from “Frozen,” you get Anna or Elsa; and if you ask for Chip ‘n’ Dale, you get a McRib. (Ahh! Thought I was gonna make a “Walt Disney/Frozen” joke, but I went for the other crappy joke!)
And lastly, a pitcher for the Kansas City Royals threw what some are calling the worst pitch in Major League Baseball history:
Last time I heard about balls THAT low, Nicki Minaj was tweeting about COVID.