Congratulations to all who won Emmys last night. Always cool to go on my phone and see which shows I watch on my computer won for achievement in television.
Today, BTS performed “Permission to Dance” at the UN General Assembly. Then Biden said, “The fuck am I gonna sing now?”
BTS performed at the UN General Assembly, setting what is believed to be an unprecedented convergence of things I don’t understand. “Did they do any Gin Blossoms songs? Is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad still a guy?”
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio called out the president of Brazil for his anti-vaccination beliefs. But I he could’ve done it more nicely than shouting, “Hey – vaxed THEN waxed!”
In fact, President Jair Bolsonaro was photographed outside on the street eating pizza due to restaurants’ indoor mask mandate.
My mistake – that’s actually a group of standups who moved to Austin.
There’s been a lot of confusion lately, so to clear things up: if you currently have COVID, aren’t vaccinated, and haven’t died, it’s just because God doesn’t want to meet you.
The new Pfizer vaccine is apparently safe for children aged 5 to 11. So if you’re keeping score, that’s Pfizer: one; R Kelly: zero.
Tim Cook is facing an outpouring of employee unrest at Apple. Cook said he’s absolutely shattered – but he’ll have to wait another 10 months until he’s eligible for an upgrade.
A Walmart employee in Louisiana quit over the loudspeaker over low wages and scheduling policies. It also didn’t help that the employee health plan was just “Meth Lab in Aisle 12.”
DoorDash announced it will start delivering alcohol. The way it works is, they bring you your wine and your neighbors peak through the curtains and say, “Psh – knew it.”
Robert Durst was found guilty of murdering journalist Susan Berman. Before being led away, Durst asked to use the restroom and the judge said, “No you—actually, sure! Let’s see what else you admit to!”
In Florida, a nude woman on a golf cart drove through a hostage situation, nearly injuring officers and negotiators. Again, that’s Florida: where crime scenes are interrupted by other, even weirder crime scenes.
And lastly, a trailer was released for Tom Hanks’ new film in which he stars with a dog and a robot. So it looks like he did get my treatment for “Terminator and Hooch.”