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THE JONOLOGUE
Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager for $25,000 after he punched him outside a club in Toronto. The good news: it only costs $25,000 to punch Perez Hilton.
On last week’s episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” they had a some guys build playhouses for the kids. The next day, Jon moved into one of them.
Coming to DVD tomorrow is the film Two Lovers. It’s a biopic about Governor Mark Sanford. KAPOW!
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny kicked her husband out of their home. So, it looks like he finally gets to take that hike.
Sanford said it was difficult to tell his wife about an infidelity—to which Bill Clinton said, “Ah, you get used to it.”
Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir—to be published in the Spring of 2011, several months after President George W. Bush’s book comes out. To be sure the books aren’t redundant, Cheney made sure his contained no drawings of fire trucks.
During her visit to San Francisco, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. To which Chris Brown said, “Way ahead of ya.”
Chris Brown pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of community service for assaulting Rihanna. Many say Brown is getting away with a slap on the wrist…and the arm…and a few more to the face….
Ruth Madoff was spotted riding the F train in New York City. Meanwhile, a guy who calls himself “The F Train” was spotted riding her husband.
In New York, the Transit Authority announced that it’s selling the naming rights to New York subway stations. The most appropriate sponsor: Flomax.
Robert Burck—aka the Naked Cowboy—will continue with plans to perform in his hometown of Greenhills, Ohio even though local residents consider his act indecent. He’s expected to be greeted with shame and ridicule—and that’s just his parents.
Astronomers have found evidence that suggests a possible life-breeding ocean inside Saturn’s moon, Enceladus. And today, Red Lobster called dibs on it.
A new study finds that higher levels of carbon dioxide in the oceans are making the ears of fish grow bigger. You know, I thought my Fillet-O-Fish looked a lot like Prince Charles.
In an interview with Spin, Marilyn Manson said that he was so upset about breaking up with his girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood, he cut himself 158 times on Christmas Day. That’s almost 10 times more than he normally cuts himself on Christmas.
Beach Boys Brian Wilson and Bruce Johnston turned 67 last week. They celebrated by playing the song “409”—which is also the time they ate dinner.
Nissan announced plans on Tuesday to mass produce zero-emission cars in 2012. Meanwhile, GM announced plans to mass produce zero total cars in 2012.
Shia LaBeouf and Michael Cera are being considered for the role of Mark Zuckerberg in a Facebook movie. You can tell it’s a Facebook movie, because every time the characters try to talk to each other, they freeze up or say the same thing twice.
Police were called to rescue a baby opossum stuck inside a soda machine at a gym in upstate New York. But before they could get there, the guy that came along next put in a dollar and wound up getting two opossums.
A woman in California being held hostage in her home was saved by chance when a bill collector knocked on her door and called the police. Ironically, he was there to collect payment for her home security system.
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A retired police officer in California stopped a man from robbing a bank by putting him in a sleeper hold until he passed out. The cop called this his greatest moment since he put a jaywalker in a figure-four leg-lock.
Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. The bad news: every time a dog sniffs an ass, there’s a $10 co-pay.
GROANERS! GROANERS! THE FOLLOWING JOKES WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
A Japanese satellite crashed into the moon on Tuesday at a speed of 3,738 miles per hour. But in fairness, the moon did run a stop sign.
Tennis player Martina Navratilova is being sued for millions by her wife who claims she was dumped without warning after seven years together. Martina said they’re equally to blame; she says it was a double-fault.
A monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he spoke to reporters outside his State House office on Wednesday. And you don’t even want to know what the Man with the Yellow Hat did to him.
And finally…
The EPA says that the levels of 80 cancer-causing toxins are in the air in more than 600 U.S. cities. To which people in New Jersey said, “That’s all?”
Fin
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Two weeks off, then back on July 14. So, let me plug a couple shows I am hosting at Mottley’s Comedy Club next weekend, July 10 & 11th, featuring the very talented Giulia Rozzi and Jamie Lee. Tickets are available HERE. I’m the Jack Tripper in this Three’s Company of comedy, and I encourage you to come be our Mr. Furley. Have a nice Fourth.
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THE JONOLOGUE
ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre is likely to return, just after announcing yet another retirement. Jeez, who would do something like that?
President Obama played Golf on Father’s day before taking the family out for frozen custard. Rush Limbaugh said he hopes it melted.
President Obama wrote an article for Sunday’s Parade magazine urging fathers to step up, admitting, “I have been an imperfect father. I know I have made mistakes…most notably when Sasha’s pet fly got loose…”
President Obama spoke for 56 minutes on Monday before the American Medical Association, the longest speech of his presidency—or as Joe Biden would call it, an “opening line.”
Senator John McCain said that Barack Obama has “done well” in his first five months as president. However, in fairness, he did admit that he’d nodded off for three of them.
First Lady Michelle Obama received a special Fashion Award last week. Diane Von Furstenberg noted her “meteoric rise as a fashion icon,” as well as her courageous efforts in the War on Sleeves.
President Obama has asked the Secret Service to block the media from viewing the White House visitor log, continuing a policy established by President Bush. President Clinton had a similar policy…except he just blocked Hillary from seeing who visited. Don’t get ahead of me, people.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will undergo surgery after she fell and fractured her elbow. Bill said he’s already preparing for the worst—Hillary pulling through.
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove–an elite, all-women’s club–after Republicans questioned her membership. Experts call this the biggest sacrifice for a Supreme Court nominee since Antonin Scalia was forced to resign from Color Me Badd.
A town in Arizona decided the winner of its tied town council election by having the two candidates draw cards. So beat that, Iran.
Portugal has decided to accept one or two of the prisoners from Guantanamo; Spain and Italy have offered to take a few as well, but not the whole group. Then, they said the same thing about Jon and Kate’s kids.
In Minnesota, a 31-year-old woman gave birth to quintuplets—or, as the Octomom put it, “underachieved.”
Myspace is laying off 30% of its workforce. It made the announcement on its Twitter.
Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose in this bizarre accident during the opening number.
Michaels’ lawyer told him the case would likely get thrown out, on the grounds of being hilarious.
The FDA is warning that Zicam nasal spray can cause permanent loss of smell. 49 states demanded a recall; New Jersey demanded more.
It was revealed that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave. However, it’ll become obsolete tomorrow, when Apple introduces an even smaller liver that can hold more songs.
Singer Barry Manilow turned 66 last week—which means he’s almost old enough to like his own music.
Hugh Hefner admitted that he can’t tell his twin 19-year-old girlfriends apart. Hefner’s 19-year-old girlfriend admitted she doesn’t know how to tell him he’s cross-eyed.
A man in Puerto Rico was arrested for stealing 88 pieces of underwear from his neighbor’s clothesline. Gee, if only there were some kind of machine that would make drying your underwear on a clothesline unnecessary.
Researchers at the University of California discovered that same-sex behavior can be found in almost all species in the animal kingdom. And they could have a point; today, Chip ‘n Dale applied for a domestic partnership.
A new study finds that Phoenix, Arizona is the best city in the U.S. for college graduates to find jobs. The worst city in the U.S. to find a job: Circuit City.
A 15-year-old girl from Iowa won the National Texting Championship on Tuesday – taking home a prize of $50,000 for speed and accuracy. The girl said the money should cover nearly a third of this month’s phone bill.
Shia LaBeouf confirmed that an Indiana Jones 5 is in the works. I don’t want to say Indy’s gotten old, but in this one, he spends two hours trying to figure out why his rabbit-ears TV won’t work anymore. Which I guess would make him about 110. Shut up.
Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee Joel, are separating after nearly five years of marriage. She’ll get the house; he’ll drive through it.
A man in New York was arrested after he dressed up as his dead mother for 6 years to collect her Social Security benefits. To make matters worse, he may also be forced to return the $50 he won at bingo.
A substitute gym teacher in New York was arrested for choking a 10-year-old student while they were arguing over a call in a dodgeball game. On the bright side, at least Latrell Sprewell’s working.
The New York Times is reporting that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. In related news, the New York Times report has tested positive for obviousness.
Lucas Glover edged out Phil Mickelson to win his first major at the US Open at Bethpage Black today. Unfortunately, nobody saw it, because ESPN decided to cover Tiger Woods eating a sandwich.
Dozens of drunks taunted Tiger Woods on Saturday during the third round at the U.S. Open, with one yelling: “Suck it up, you’ve got your own video game!” That’s it—this time, John Daly has gone too far.
Police in Jamaica are looking for the thieves who stole over $1,000 worth of electronics from Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt’s home. Bolt pursued the thieves in a chase that reached speeds of 100 miles per hour—but then he tripped.
A man in Delaware set off fireworks in the bathroom of an Arby’s restaurant on Thursday. But in fairness, that’s a risk you take when you get the jalapeno bites.
83-year-old Dick Van Dyke is writing a memoir to be published in 2010. It would have been done sooner, but he keeps tripping over the typewriter. Oh jeez, here it comes…
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A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings—which still won’t stop idiots at the theater from pretending it’s not their phone going off.
In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest. Parishioners suspected something was amiss when he started blessing people in the name of the Father, the Son and Judy Garland.
The father of “American Idol” runner-up David Archuleta was arrested for hiring a hooker in Utah back in January. How shocking is that? Utah has a hooker?
A man in England is auctioning off his dad’s ashes on eBay – claiming he abandoned him as a child. And today, Keith Richards e-mailed the guy to ask if he’d throw in a couple straws.
North Korea announced it is planning to fire a long-range missile toward Hawaii in early July. To which Japan said, “Way to blow it.”
The Jonas Brothers were interviewed for an hour on Larry King Live. Things got a bit awkward when Larry kept referring to Nick as Ringo.
The British government is instructing teachers not to teach students the grammar rule “i before e, except after c” because there are too many exceptions. So there you go, kids. When something’s hard to learn, skip it.
GROANER! GROANER! THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
China may require people who want a sex change procedure to get approval from a police officer. Or they can just get a private dick.
And finally…
Chastity Bono has been undergoing treatments to become a man. So far so good; today, Cher hit on him.
Fin
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Just when I think I’m out…
It’s good to be back. I gotta admit, it sure beats walking up to people on the subway and telling them Amy Winehouse jokes. I’ll be at The Highlander in Acushnet, MA this Saturday night at 8 PM with Harrison Stebbins and Steve Bjork. Talk to ya soon.
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THE JONOLOGUE
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied calling for a ban on Facebook during the country’s presidential election. He said he did impose a ban on Myspace, but…nobody noticed.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez began a marathon four-day edition of his television talk show to mark its tenth anniversary. Chavez took the time to thank his viewers for watching, reflect on the show’s greatest moments, and announce that he would not be jumping to ABC.
Chavez uses his talk show to make policy announcements, berate opponents and make rambling speeches—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Rush Limbaugh.
Over the past week, North Korea has conducted an underground test of a nuclear bomb, test-fired several missiles and detonated other explosives. And as if that weren’t bad enough, today they poured some Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is leading the charge against North Korea’s weapon testing. And it’s getting nasty; today, Hillary said Kim Jong-Il is reckless, defiant, and has no idea how to wear a pantsuit.
Hillary Clinton surprised graduates at Yale University by showing up to accept an honorary degree. Meanwhile, Bill surprised members of Kappa Kappa Gamma by showing up with some tequila and a Twister pad.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi visited China last weekend. There was actually one awkward moment when a couple of geishas said “Hey, who’s the stiff face?”
A reporter had to be dragged kicking and screaming from Air Force One, angry about not being able to hand-deliver President Obama a personal letter. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again—we’ve got to get Chris Matthews some help.
According to a study commissioned by the Geneva-based Global Humanitarian Forum, climate change kills 315,000 people a year—and most of those are people who will themselves to death when they see Al Gore coming over to chat about it.
Al Gore urged a group of 500 business leaders in New York to push for stronger global warming legislation, saying that “Mother Nature does not do bailouts.” And from the looks of Al, neither do Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemima…
Florida was one of the states that had to slash a relatively low amount of jobs this year. Experts say that might have something to do with the fact that everybody there is retired.
The Social Security Administration is reporting that early retirements are up 25% over the past year—and that’s just Brett Favre.
The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Denver Nuggets to move on to the NBA Finals. That’s really not a surprise; after all, if there’s one place Kobe’s comfortable being aggressive, it’s Colorado.
A Florida man and his wife claim they sold steroids to professional baseball players in Washington D.C. When asked if they had indeed purchased steroids, members of the Nationals said, “Did we? No. Should we? Well…”
A Japanese company is selling a horror story that is published on a roll of toilet paper. Each sheet of toilet paper contains another page—or, you could just go to Wienerschnitzel and write your own horror story.
USA Today did an article on how the recession has forced many restaurants to expand their menus in order to appeal to a broader consumer base. For instance, Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering grilled chicken; Pizza Hut is offering pasta; and McDonald’s is toying with the idea of selling beef.
A kitten in China is receiving attention, after it grew a pair of wings. As a result, the kitten’s father is beginning to think that parrot that was always hanging around could have been more than “just a friend.”
In Philomath, Oregon, a Chihuahua and a border terrier scared off a cougar that wandered into the town. Apparently, Madonna is more of a cat person.
Toys R Us announced that it has acquired financially troubled, upscale toy retailer FAO Schwartz. Toys R Us is already putting their mark on the chain; in fact, the A in FAO is now backwards. Take a minute…ah, funny, right?
A British woman has become one of the oldest moms on record, giving birth to a baby boy at the age of 66. The woman spent today shopping for diapers and talcum powder—and tomorrow’s she’s gonna buy some for the baby. Okay, now be honest, how far in advance did you see that one coming? “Oldest?” “A?”
In El Paso, Texas, a high school principal has filed an assault charge against the school superintendent after she failed to return a high five, and he wound up slapping her in the forehead. On the bright side, at least he wasn’t giving her a fist-pound.
Amy Winehouse cancelled a planned comeback show in England due to a mysterious condition. The mysterious condition: sobriety. That’s sobriety. Ah, Winehouse. I’ll miss ya.
And finally…
A recent study out of England claims the less intelligent a woman is, the harder it is for her to have an orgasm. So at the end of the day, I guess out blondes actually have less fun.
Fin
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Although I’m not positive, this could be the last new one of these for a while. Let me just take this opportunity to thank you all for reading. However, come back next week, I’ll be putting up a best-of.
One show to plug: I’ll be at Kings Court in Hudson, NH this Saturday with Jimmy Dunn and Mike Prior. Tickets are available HERE.
See ya.
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THE JONOLOGUE
The NBA and World Wrestling Entertainment were locked in a bitter dispute over arena privileges, as they were double-booked at the Pepsi Center on Monday night. Sports writers are calling the situation a silly argument between a phony organization where all the outcomes are predetermined, and the WWE.
Google is using a highly sophisticated algorithm to determine which of its employees are most likely to quit. The system takes into account employee surveys, peer reviews, and people who sign each memo “So long, suckers.”
A man in England is recovering, after falling 6,000 feet into a rocky mountainside after he failed to open his parachute while skydiving. Even more amazing: the guy said the entire time he was falling, he still felt safer than he would have flying Continental.
Newsweek is reporting that Vice-President Joe Biden revealed the location of a top secret Vice-Presidential bunker while speaking at a high-profile dinner in the capital. Fortunately, nobody there heard the location, because they had dozed off long before he got to it.
Experts are warning that GPS satellites are close to failing, and the system could be close to a breakdown. GPS officials couldn’t be reached for comment, because they had just driven into a volcano.
I got a GPS not too long ago, and it’s very advanced. I said I wanted to go to Cambridge, and it said “Take a right.” I said I wanted to go to Somerville, and it said “Take a left.” I said I wanted to go to Roxbury, and it said “Take a gun.”
People are still talking about Rachel Alexandra winning the Preakness. Jockey Calvin Borel raised some eyebrows, after he ditched a male because he thought he’d have a better chance riding a female. When asked why, Borel said, “Hey, it worked for Lindsay Lohan.”
Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski said that Americans need to scale back their consumerism because it is harming the environment. Kulongoski said that staying at home and not spending any money could also allow Americans to focus on other issues, like fixing the economy.
The economy’s bad. Today, Miss California lost her shirt!—And not in the fun way!
It’s hurting athletes. Brad Penny—working at JC Penny.
It’s real bad. Today I saw Scrooge McDuck at the park, fighting for bread.
The economy’s so bad, I’m back to buying visors, because I can’t afford the whole hat!
And finally…
In Australia, a kangaroo is recovering and expected to make a full recovery after it spent a week with an arrow lodged down the middle of his head. Wildlife officials are calling the animal amazing; scientists are calling him a miracle; Steve Martin is calling him a hack.
Mercifully…
Fin
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How was your week? Mine was pretty enjoyable…as the above offering likely proves. Got to see a bunch of old friends, make a bunch of new friends, and took part in three great comedy shows. Dartmouth College was a blast, and I can safely say that driving up there on such a nice day was probably the best ride to a comedy show I’ve had. Sorry, Keene State in a rainstorm/Turners Falls in a blizzard.
Then on Friday and Saturday, I got to play at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA, and was even more blown away by how cool those audiences were. This further cemented Salem as one of my favorite all-time towns…despite its pretty messed up tourism ploy. I still maintain those broads could have been holding book club meetings—which, come to think of it, is pretty good cause for burning. So never mind, I’m cool with it.
Three shows this week, but only two to plug:
1)I’m at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Friday. It’s going to be a great, great show, with the likes of Dan Boulger, Shaun Bedgood, Bill Braudis, Chris Pennie and maybe another guy who I worked with at Dartmouth last week. Hosted by Ken Reid. 8 PM, 10 bucks cheap, and tickets can be ordered in advance HERE. Great show, don’t miss it.
2) I’m at the Italian Community Center in Beverly, MA at 8 PM on Saturday. Gonna be swell.
That’s all I got for ya. See ya next week, for what could be the last new one for a while. Stay tuned.
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THE JONOLOGUE
Comedienne Wanda Sykes caused a controversy at the White House Correspondents Dinner when she made jokes comparing Rush Limbaugh to Osama bin Laden. The next day, he called it outrageous to be compared to such a loathsome, vile being—and Limbaugh was pretty pissed, too.
On his radio show, Rush Limbaugh said the Democrats should be scared to death of the prospect of Sarah Palin being the Republican nominee in 2012. So, it looks like Republicans and Democrats could finally have something to agree on.
The FDA sent a letter to General Mills criticizing the company for “serious violations” and gave it 15 days to fix packaging for Cheerios that says the cereal lowers cholesterol and treats heart disease. In addition, the company will also be forced to change the packaging for Trix, after a class action suit brought by rabbits.
According to a new report many meals at popular restaurant chains are loaded with salt, which can increase a person’s chances of developing hypertension, heart disease, strokes, and kidney disease—all of which transformed Grimace from a successful tri-athlete to the poorly-circulated blob you see today.
A judge in Saudi Arabia has ruled it acceptable for men to beat their wives for spending lavishly. When he heard the news, Chris Brown proposed to Rihanna, and announced they were moving to Saudi Arabia.
Singer Rihanna has reportedly recorded a new song that criticizes her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown, who allegedly assaulted her in February. The song is expected to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “hit record.”
At a mass in Jordan, Pope Benedict called for a greater global respect for women—unless the women are applying to be a priest, a cardinal, a bishop or a pope.
It was reported that Madonna and her boyfriend would have a commitment ceremony at a Kabbalah center in New York this weekend. They would have done it last weekend, but the kid didn’t want to miss his prom.
An increasing number of people who have serious medical conditions, such as diabetes, are tattooing their condition on their wrists rather than using bracelets. Even celebrities are getting into the act, with Paris Hilton making it all the way to “Chlamyd.”
Boy George was released from a British prison on after serving four months for falsely imprisoning a male escort. The remaining inmates celebrated by Boy George’s release by showering—for the first time in four months.
Two Washington state men were injured after they began urinating on what they thought was an empty car, when the angry driver got out of the car and attacked them. Even more embarrassing was the fact the incident occurred at a Formula One race.
The first streaker ever at Citi Field, the New York Mets’ new stadium, ran onto the field and slid into second—or, as it’s called in baseball, the old unhidden ball trick.
And now it’s time for…
???A JOKE I WROTE THAT EVEN I DON’T GET???
Officials in Italy are investigating the alleged involvement of the mafia in the construction of several wind farms. This could explain why today, the guy leading the investigation woke up to find his ceiling fan in his bed. And that’s how we play…
???A JOKE I WROTE THAT EVEN I DON’T GET???
Scientists are saying that a massive tsunami wave crashed into what is now New York City 2,300 years ago, scattering seashells and debris as far as Long Island and New Jersey. And today, FEMA finally showed up to help out.
A new study shows that people are not wired to be texting while driving. I believe it was published in the New England Journal of Common Sense.
At a conference in Washington, former Secretary of State Colin Powell said the GOP is in trouble, and that the Republican Party is shrinking. Then he looked at Rush Limbaugh, and said, “Well, maybe not all of it.”
DEATH NOTICES
One of the last remaining Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz has died at the age of 89. His remains were placed in an urn. The amazing part: he wasn’t even cremated.
And finally…
The Cavs and Magic will meet this week in the Eastern Conference Finals. Kevin Garnett is not expected to play. Hey, you dish ‘em out, you take ‘em, folks.
Fin
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Three shows to plug this week:
1)I’ll be at Dartmouth College this Thursday with Joe List and Tom E. Morello. Bring it on, smart kids.
2)I’ll be at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA this Friday at 8 PM. Bring it on, witches.
3) I’ll be at the Griffin Theatre in Salem AGAIN on Saturday, at 8 PM. Bring it on, townsfolk.
Go Nuggets.
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THE JONOLOGUE
As a result of testing positive for a banned substance, Manny Ramirez will have to sit out 50 games. So, it’ll be just like any other season. KA-POW!!!
151 million Mothers Day cards were sent this year—and that was just to the Octomom.
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A computer hacker has been charged with breaking into the Twitter accounts of Britney Spears and Ashton Kutcher. Twitter suspected someone had hacked into Britney’s account when her tweets began to make sense.
Radio giant Clear Channel announced it is cutting 590 jobs due to the recession. The way they made the cuts was pretty insensitive; apparently, they told their employees, “If you want to keep your job, just be the twelfth caller!”
The State Department has started a new Musical Overtures program, which sends musicians to the war zones of Iraq and Afghanistan in hopes of sending the message that music is “universal.” At least, that’s what they’re telling Celine Dion.
In Quartz Hill, California, a 17-year-old girl used a marching band baton to fight off two would-be muggers. To show you how rough the neighborhood is, it happened during a parade.
Activists in the Kenya are urging women to withhold sex for a week to protest the growing divide in the nation’s coalition government, and are even willing to pay prostitutes to withhold sex as well. So they’d have a bunch of whores getting paid not to work—or as we call it here, “Congress.”
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
President Obama jumbled a joke at a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration held on May 4, when he referred to it at “Cinco de Cuatro,” which translates to five of four. When he heard the news, President Bush said, “100 days on the job, and the guy already thinks he can speak French.”
Most businesses in Mexico reopened Wednesday after being closed for five days because of swine flu, but they now face a complex set of new health restrictions that includes a mandatory two empty seats between people at movie theaters—thus making “The Ghost of Girlfriends Past” a surprising key to recovery.
Jennifer Aniston said recently that she would participate in a “Friends” movie, but only if they make it before they all get “old.” Which I think is actually Jennifer Aniston’s way of saying she won’t participate in a “Friends” movie.
In what’s being called a medical breakthrough, a Japanese scientist is on the verge of discovering a way to to grow a human organ inside of a sheep—to which farmers in Kentucky said, “So?”
The favorite to win the Kentucky Derby, I Want Revenge, was scratched hours before the race. As a result, his name has been changed to Never Mind, We’re Cool.
This week, Chanel, who has been named the world’s oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old. And man, did that bitch get wasted.
A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper, which he found in an old book he bought years ago. The recipe: 1) a cup of cola; 2) a cup of root beer; 3) stir.
In New York, a woman who worked for a major jewelry manufacturer has admitted to stealing 500 pounds of gold over the course of six years by smuggling it out piece by piece in her purse. Authorities believe the woman was taking the jewelry to supplement her other career as Flavor Flav’s dentist.
The latest message from Somalia’s Al-Qaeda-backed Al-Shabaab wing is an 18-minute hip-hop video that features a guy rapping. Al-Qaeda says it hopes the video strikes fear into the hearts of the infidels, and gets nominated for a VMA.
One of Britain’s leading forensic scientists has created a clay sculpture of the earliest known European face. Apparently, he was able to make a cast for the sculpture when Keith Richards fell asleep.
In London, a man and a woman were arrested for having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle while the Queen was inside. Her Majesty was irate when she heard the news, especially since she’d asked for two chicks.
According to a new survey, the French spend more time sleeping than any other country, finally explaining their cheery disposition.
The French Navy seized 11 pirates Sunday after they mistook a French warship for a commercial ship and made a run at it off the coast of Kenya. How unbelievable is that? France has a warship?
The Swiss government has rejected an effort by a man to register the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community because of the offensive name. As a result, the man has changed the name to the much less ridiculous Satan of Orgasm Church.
A judge has denied former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich the travel visa that would allow him to appear on the NBC reality show, “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Outta Here.” The good news: he still stands an excellent chance of appearing on another reality show—“Lockup.”
GROANER! GROANER! THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
In Los Angeles, auditions are underway for a new musical based on the Octomom, Nadya Suleman. They plan on calling it “Octomamma Mia!”
Fin
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I am appearing along with Dave Rattigan, Juston McKinney (two Tonight Shows!) and Joe Wong (a recent Late Show!) at Palio’s Italian Grill in Lexington, MA THIS SATURDAY. It’s gonna be a great, great show, and I am thrilled to be part of the lineup. Have a nice week.
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CAUSE & EFFECT
The H1N1 Swine Flu
That’s the big story everyone. Posing a threat as the most damaging global pandemic since Spice World, the H1N1 Swine Flu has been all over the news over the past week. Some people say it’s dying. Some say it could come back. While others with no immediate prospects are shaking hands with everyone, showering at the gym and essentially daring fate to bring it on. How has H1N1 changed our society? Here now, a Cause & Effect breakdown of The Swine Flu.
CAUSE: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says department preparing for swine flu pandemic the same way it would a hurricane.
EFFECT: FEMA preparing relief packages to send a week late.
CAUSE: U.S. lawmakers say key to preventing the spread of the swine flu is securing the Mexican border.
EFFECT: Homeland Security: “Thanks, we needed the laugh.”
CAUSE: Doctors warn that wearing facemasks can be dangerous, as they lead people to take risks they shouldn’t be taking.
EFFECT: Sarah Palin explains to her kids that facemasks don’t qualify as an effective birth control method.
CAUSE: Airports begin detaining travelers who look ill.
EFFECT: Rolling Stones cancel their summer tour.
CAUSE: Texas Governor Rick Perry requested that over 37,000 doses of Tamiflu be sent to Texas from the Strategic National Stockpile.
EFFECT: Perry so busy requesting help from the U.S., he barely has time to talk about seceding from it. (Applause, applause, applause).
CAUSE: In Mexico, soccer teams play to empty stadiums because of the swine flu scare.
EFFECT: Washington Nationals: “Uh—yeah, us too.”
CAUSE: Egypt outlaws kissing or excessive physical contact.
EFFECT: Men in country report a lower-than-normal number of “pants pyramids.”
CAUSE: Egypt orders all 300,000 pigs in the country slaughtered immediately.
EFFECT: Wienerschnitzel announces merger with Egypt.
CAUSE: Egypt orders pigs slaughtered, despite the fact they are not responsible for spreading the virus.
EFFECT: Experts said they hadn’t seen a group attacked like this for something they weren’t behind since we invaded Iraq. What??? Who said that???
CAUSE: The World Health Organization says all countries should prepare for the worst, especially the poorer ones.
EFFECT: We’re screwed!
And in other news, it’s time for…
THE JONOLOGUE
General Motors has announced plans to close most of its U.S. factories for nine weeks this summer, due to slumping sales. This makes GM the first Detroit-based organization to take an entire season off since—well, the Lions.
In last weekend’s game against the Yankees, Boston’s Jacoby Ellsbury became the first Red Sox player in ten years to steal home—I’m sorry, “foreclose” on it.
The CEO of AirTran wants the airline to be the first to fly from the U.S. to Cuba if travel restrictions are lifted. Travelers could expect limited perks, stale food and zero internet access—and the flight over there would be even worse.
Myspace co-founder Chris DeWolfe announced he is stepping down from his job as CEO of the social networking site, after its recent decline in popularity. Ironically, this is the first anyone’s heard of the decision, since he announced it on Myspace.
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It’s believed Arlen Specter may have switched to the Democratic party to boost his reelection chances. I don’t want to say Specter switched sides just for publicity, but his new Secret Service codename is Lindsay Lohan.
Admiral Blair Dennis Blair said torturous interrogation techniques are bad, because the damage they do to our global image outweigh their immediate benefit. Then, he said the same thing about Subway’s Five Dollar Foot-Longs.
A Saudi court has sided with a man who divorced his wife via text message. When asked how he felt about the ruling, the man said “I’m happy, relieved, and LMAO.”
In Colorado Springs, a pregnant woman is recovering from minor injuries after she was hit by a car while running from a bear. Even more amazingly, it turns out the car was being driven by a bobcat.
In New York, a group of scientists say they have created an alternative to Viagra that can be applied by rubbing it directly into the skin. I just hope they don’t hire the same ad guys as HeadOn.
In Charleston, West Virginia, a woman is charged with trying to sell her five-month-old son in order to pay for a new apartment. Authorities are calling the woman troubled; parenting groups are calling her a disgrace; Madonna is calling her with an offer.
Fin
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Three things to mention this week: First of all, I will be hosting this Wednesday night May 6 at The Burren in Davis Square. Show is at 10pm , and is absolutely FREE.
Next, I am going to be at The Claddagh in Lawrence on Friday night with Jim Dunn of Sox Appeal, Joe Wong of The Late Show with David Letterman, and Dave Rattigan of Sirius XM and my mom’s hometown. The show is at 7pm.
Third, I am going to be at the Dover Bowl in Dover, NH on Saturday night. The show begins at 9, and more information can be found here.
Last, I do not care for Joakim Noah.
That is all. See ya next week.
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THE JONOLOGUE
Texas Governor Rick Perry said voters in the state could get so fed up with the federal budget mess, they may want to secede from the union. This would have a tremendous effect on American culture; for instance, Walker Texas Ranger would instead be known as Walker Foreign Ranger.
People in New York were frightened when one of the twin 747s that serve as Air Force One flew alarmingly close to the city for a planned photo op. That’s right, one of the two, twin 747s that serve as Air Force One. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say how delighted I’ve always been that our government’s plan for presidential air travel is the same plan the producers of Full House had for Michelle.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said the U.S. is ready to talk to Cuba. Her first order of business is finding out where Castro gets those nifty, retro pantsuits.
As part of a new effort to pay off Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign debt, supporters can pay as little as five dollars for a chance to spend the day with former President Bill Clinton. In order to be eligible, bidders are required to submit a valid credit card number and bra size.
Georgetown University says it was asked to cover up the monogram symbolizing Jesus Christ while President Obama spoke at the school this week. Apparently, the president’s aides felt having the symbol for Jesus in the background at an Obama speech would be a little redundant.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy recently indicated that President Obama is “weak” and “indecisive.” Then he said, “In other words, he’s our kind of guy.”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech that was so offensive, several European diplomats actually walked out. I don’t want to say this is bad news for Ahmadinejad, but his new Secret Service codename is Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
iTunes is now charging users $1.29 for new downloadable music, up from just 99 cents. The good news: you can now save an extra 30 cents when you download it illegally.
A group of musicians have recorded a love song written by legendary mob boss Al Capone while he was in prison, called Madonna Mia. To which A-Rod said, “Is there anyone you haven’t dated?”
Madonna was injured in a horseback riding incident in the Hamptons. The good news: her hospital room is right next to the nursery.
People are still talking about the Yankees’ 22-4 loss to the Indians, for the sake of this joke. I haven’t heard about someone getting pounded like that in New York since—well, Bernie Madoff.
Two Washington Nationals players were forced to take the field with the team’s name misspelled on the front of their jerseys. The guys said they didn’t mind the mistake, as for one fleeting moment, it gave them a chance to deny that they play for the Nationals.
Scientists are saying that human obesity is playing a hand in the global warming crisis. Today, Al Gore said he was going to make some changes in his life—starting by denouncing the theory of global warming.
Scientists are saying that human obesity is playing a hand in the global warming crisis. The good news: today, the Olsen Twins were nominated for a Nobel Prize in environmentalism.
The Boston Herald is reporting that the original Filene’s Basement may be forced to close up for good. The good news: Filene’s son might finally have to move out and get an apartment of his own.
Fin
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I’ll be at Shooters Pub in Exeter, NH this Saturday night at 7:30 $8, 21+. See ya then.
(UPDATE: This has been called off. Sorry, folks.)
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THE JONOLOGUE
Vice-President Biden threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Oriole’s Camden Yards on Opening Day. You could tell it was thrown by Biden, because it went long and missed the mark completely.
In the gunfight that ensued to rescue Captain Richard Phillips, three Somali pirates were killed, and one was captured. Experts said they haven’t seen a group of pirates get beat this bad anywhere since—well, Pittsburgh.
Some moral and legal issues have been raised about the surviving Somali pirate’s legal status, as he could be younger than 18 years old. And his problems don’t end there; today when she heard the kid might be going to jail, Madonna broke up with him.
President Obama’s science advisor John Holdren has introduced a new global warming plan that would shoot pollution particles into the earth’s upper atmosphere to reflect the sun’s rays. The tactic will be known as Operation: We’re Rubber, You’re Glue.
The Washington Post noted that the new White House dog, Bo, is very taken by President Obama, and likes to follow him around obediently—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Chris Matthews.
President Obama is expected to lift restrictions and make it easier for Americans to travel more freely to Cuba. To which Yankees scouts said, “Oh…it’s good to hear we can start doing that just now…”
Kevin Garnett is expected to miss the playoffs completely. The good news: today he was named an honorary Knick.
Fin
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I’ll be at Slapshots in Merrimack, NH this Friday at 8PM, and at the Kikuyama Japanese Steak House in Dedham, MA this Saturday at 8PM. See ya there.
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THE JONOLOGUE
Caseworkers in Arizona have discovered a new trend of older couples looking to adopt school-age children—or, as it’s normally called, “kidnapping.”
In New York, two dozen people auditioned to become a clown with Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Not surprisingly, they all arrived in the same car.
U.S. ship captain Richard Phillips reportedly escaped his pirate captors by saying he had to relieve himself, then jumping overboard. Which I think, more than anything, tells you all you need to know about the male mentality. “Yeah, I know there’s two million dollars in ransom at stake—but there’s no way I’m holding that guy’s hand while he pees.”
Chrysler has unveiled a new Jeep Grand Cherokee SUV that only gets 20 miles per gallon. Not to be outdone, GM has unveiled a new Hummer that runs solely on vintage champagne.
General Motors and Segway on Tuesday introduced the PUMA, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is designed to be a fast, safe, inexpensive and clean alternative to ever getting laid.
The Manhattan district attorney’s office has stopped a plot to smuggle nuclear weapons material to Iran through unwitting New York Banks. Apparently, the culprits blew their cover when they wrote “nuclear weapons material” on a deposit slip.
Voters in Winfield, Missouri re-elected their mayor for a fourth term, about a month after his death. Voters said they were turned off by his opponent’s negative campaign that accused the mayor of, among other things, being dead.
Despite warnings from the US and other world leaders, North Korea launched a missile which they claim put a satellite into orbit that is broadcasting “immortal revolutionary songs” praising Kim Jong Il. Which raises the question: who at Sirius XM thought it would be a good idea to start a Kim Jong Il channel?
A soccer referee in England handed out a yellow card recently when a player loudly passed gas, causing the opposing team to miss a penalty kick. The ref said he only gave the man a yellow card because there’s no such thing as a brown one.
Vermont became the fourth state to legalize gay marriage when its legislature overrode the Governor’s veto of the bill. So whenever you’re ready, Ben & Jerry. (I had it before Stewart, just ask Nick French—but you did too, probably).
ETA 4/14 9:47 PM: Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles on Monday. Did you see his mugshot? Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…
Fin
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Fin
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Two quick notes: I’ll be at The Gold Room in Portland, ME this Friday at 8:30, and at the Onion Town Grill (ETA:) Lowell Brewery Exchange this Saturday in Danvers Lowell at 8 with Jimmy Dunn and Tony V and other great folks! (TICKETS AVAILABLE HERE). Hope to see you there.
Another not so quick note: congratulations to Joe Wong, who taped what we heard was a phenomenal set at The Late Show with David Letterman yesterday!!! It’ll be on this Friday night around 12:15 or so, on CBS. If you have not seen Joe, seriously, tune in. A hilarious, great guy who just made Boston comedy history.
So how was your Easter, Passover, or weekend, depending on your beliefs? Mine was pretty decent. Got to visit with my Uncle Johnny on Saturday, who was a merchant marine for many, many years. Interesting to get his take on the pirate situation. How unbelievable is that crap? When I was a kid, I was always told that things would be better, things would be easier, the world would be a happier place for our kids than it was for our parents. Who would have thought, in the year 2009, we’d be dealing with a stock market crash, an impending asteroid disaster—and pirates. Pirates!
But at least they finally got the guy out of there. Apparently, it all occurred when the U.S. realized they have the world’s largest military at its disposal—and the other guys are pirates. And now they’re bringing the surviving pirate to trial in New York. Well, that ought to be a good one. “Sir, please place your hook on the Bible and repeat after me…” What’s the maximum sentence for pillaging nowadays, anyway? Do they have to pick trash up off the highway? “No, I don’t need a wooden stake, I’ll just use my right leg.” And does he get a jury of his peers? “All in favor of an acquittal?” “Arrrrr!” “The arrrrrrs have it!” (With an assist from Tom E. Morello on the last one)
Anyway, at least that made it a Happy Easter in the end. I think Easter is one of the rare holidays that are actually better as an adult. The stupidity of the Easter Bunny has been discussed ad nauseam over the years, but for me, the worst part was having to go to the mall and sit on his lap. My parents would actually bring me and my sister to the mall to talk to him. What a stupid thing. What kid with the power of speech actually gets a good feeling from this activity? Santa? I can see that. He’s a human being, and he has a beard, and yeah, maybe it’s him. But we’re talking about a guy in a bunny suit. His mouth is a big, black mesh disgrace that looks like a speaker. Talking to him is like ordering from a drive-thru. And what would you possibly say other than “bring me candy”? My last time up, I went for it all. I asked the Easter Bunny for a Sega Genesis, and I actually think he had a stroke. One of his ears went totally limp. It happened. Why would I lie?
The Tooth Fairy was actually more believable to me as a kid. An attractive woman in skimpy clothes, coming into my room to violate me—and I get paid? Why wouldn’t I want to believe that? Unfortunately, turns out my Dad was the force behind that one. Which made for an interesting misunderstanding on my part: one night, I actually woke up, just as the door to my bedroom was being close. I looked under the pillow—boom! There’s a dollar! The Tooth Fairy was still in the building. So I crept to my door, opened it up and heard 220 pounds walking back down the stairs. “Wow,” I thought. “That Tooth Fairy’s a lot of woman!”
I don’t remember how old I was when I found out about the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, but I remember the exact day I found out about old Santa. It was December 15, 1992. That’s right, I held out until age nine. I remember it, because I was home sick with strep throat or something, and my favorite ballplayer at the time, Wade Boggs had that day left the Red Sox to sign with the Yankees. That’s right—it was 10 days to go before Christmas, I had sent my letter, made my list, all that—only to find out it was all a sham. When I said this to my dad—who did the honors—he said, “Well, maybe we just wanted you to behave for a while.” Touché, Dad. Touché. My dad was actually very nice about it all—or, at least tried to be. Being the good dad he is, he actually brought along an Encyclopedia Britannica (remember those?), and opened up to the page on Saint Nicholas, telling me how he had existed at one point, and brought everyone presents. So I wasn’t just told there was no Santa Claus. I was told, “There was a Santa. But he died. Of strep throat. Which he caught from Wade Boggs. Feliz Navidad.”
Anyway, I’ll wrap this up this week with a little something that’s been percolating in my mind for the past few weeks. Every time I take 95 from New Hampshire to Boston, I see a Snickers billboard up that says “Get Dunked on by Patrick Chewing.” Of course, it’s a reference to this commercial:
“Chew” is a funny word, though, because it rhymes with so many things. So I thought I’d take this time, in case anyone from Snickers is reading, to suggest a few new prototypes of my own.
Haven’t showered in a few days? Fall in a dumpster? Wash your clothes in a furnace? Perhaps you…
Feel like being a tragic footnote in rock and roll history? Maybe you…
Feel like being a tragic footnote in rock and roll history? Maybe you…
It’s almost travel season. Maybe you get a lousy travel agent, and wind up…
Ever feel misunderstood by your peers? Perhaps you…
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Refuse to see Bird on a Wire? Maybe it’s because…
Edited to add: Sugartits.
Or, the worst one:
There’s a hunger inside me. See ya next week.