May 18th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Comedienne Wanda Sykes caused a controversy at the White House Correspondents Dinner when she made jokes comparing Rush Limbaugh to Osama bin Laden.  The next day, he called it outrageous to be compared to such a loathsome, vile being—and Limbaugh was pretty pissed, too.

 

On his radio show, Rush Limbaugh said the Democrats should be scared to death of the prospect of Sarah Palin being the Republican nominee in 2012.  So, it looks like Republicans and Democrats could finally have something to agree on.

 

The FDA sent a letter to General Mills criticizing the company for “serious violations” and gave it 15 days to fix packaging for Cheerios that says the cereal lowers cholesterol and treats heart disease.  In addition, the company will also be forced to change the packaging for Trix, after a class action suit brought by rabbits.

 

According to a new report many meals at popular restaurant chains are loaded with salt, which can increase a person’s chances of developing hypertension, heart disease, strokes, and kidney disease—all of which transformed Grimace from a successful tri-athlete to the poorly-circulated blob you see today.

 

A judge in Saudi Arabia has ruled it acceptable for men to beat their wives for spending lavishly.  When he heard the news, Chris Brown proposed to Rihanna, and announced they were moving to Saudi Arabia.

 

Singer Rihanna has reportedly recorded a new song that criticizes her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown, who allegedly assaulted her in February.  The song is expected to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “hit record.”

 

At a mass in Jordan, Pope Benedict called for a greater global respect for women—unless the women are applying to be a priest, a cardinal, a bishop or a pope.

 

It was reported that Madonna and her boyfriend would have a commitment ceremony at a Kabbalah center in New York this weekend.  They would have done it last weekend, but the kid didn’t want to miss his prom.

 

An increasing number of people who have serious medical conditions, such as diabetes, are tattooing their condition on their wrists rather than using bracelets.  Even celebrities are getting into the act, with Paris Hilton making it all the way to “Chlamyd.”

 

Boy George was released from a British prison on after serving four months for falsely imprisoning a male escort.  The remaining inmates celebrated by Boy George’s release by showering—for the first time in four months.

 

Two Washington state men were injured after they began urinating on what they thought was an empty car, when the angry driver got out of the car and attacked them.  Even more embarrassing was the fact the incident occurred at a Formula One race.

 

The first streaker ever at Citi Field, the New York Mets’ new stadium, ran onto the field and slid into second—or, as it’s called in baseball, the old unhidden ball trick.

 

And now it’s time for…

 

???A JOKE I WROTE THAT EVEN I DON’T GET???

 

Officials in Italy are investigating the alleged involvement of the mafia in the construction of several wind farms.  This could explain why today, the guy leading the investigation woke up to find his ceiling fan in his bed.  And that’s how we play…

 

???A JOKE I WROTE THAT EVEN I DON’T GET???

 

Scientists are saying that a massive tsunami wave crashed into what is now New York City 2,300 years ago, scattering seashells and debris as far as Long Island and New Jersey.  And today, FEMA finally showed up to help out.        

 

A new study shows that people are not wired to be texting while driving.  I believe it was published in the New England Journal of Common Sense.                      

 

At a conference in Washington, former Secretary of State Colin Powell said the GOP is in trouble, and that the Republican Party is shrinking.  Then he looked at Rush Limbaugh, and said, “Well, maybe not all of it.”

 

DEATH NOTICES

 

One of the last remaining Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz has died at the age of 89.  His remains were placed in an urn.  The amazing part: he wasn’t even cremated. 

 

And finally…

 

The Cavs and Magic will meet this week in the Eastern Conference Finals.  Kevin Garnett is not expected to play.  Hey, you dish ‘em out, you take ‘em, folks.

 

Fin 

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Three shows to plug this week:

 

1)I’ll be at Dartmouth College this Thursday with Joe List and Tom E. Morello.  Bring it on, smart kids.

 

2)I’ll be at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA this Friday at 8 PM.  Bring it on, witches.

3) I’ll be at the Griffin Theatre in Salem AGAIN on Saturday, at 8 PM.  Bring it on, townsfolk.

 

Go Nuggets.

 


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