April 27th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

-

THE JONOLOGUE

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry said voters in the state could get so fed up with the federal budget mess, they may want to secede from the union.  This would have a tremendous effect on American culture; for instance, Walker Texas Ranger would instead be known as Walker Foreign Ranger.       

 

People in New York were frightened when one of the twin 747s that serve as Air Force One flew alarmingly close to the city for a planned photo op.  That’s right, one of the two, twin 747s that serve as Air Force One.  And I think I speak for all Americans when I say how delighted I’ve always been that our government’s plan for presidential air travel is the same plan the producers of Full House had for Michelle.

 

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said the U.S. is ready to talk to Cuba.  Her first order of business is finding out where Castro gets those nifty, retro pantsuits.          

 

As part of a new effort to pay off Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign debt, supporters can pay as little as five dollars for a chance to spend the day with former President Bill Clinton.  In order to be eligible, bidders are required to submit a valid credit card number and bra size.

 

Georgetown University says it was asked to cover up the monogram symbolizing Jesus Christ while President Obama spoke at the school this week.  Apparently, the president’s aides felt having the symbol for Jesus in the background at an Obama speech would be a little redundant.   

 

French President Nicolas Sarkozy recently indicated that President Obama is “weak” and “indecisive.”  Then he said, “In other words, he’s our kind of guy.”   

 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech that was so offensive, several European diplomats actually walked out.  I don’t want to say this is bad news for Ahmadinejad, but his new Secret Service codename is Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

 

iTunes is now charging users $1.29 for new downloadable music, up from just 99 cents.  The good news: you can now save an extra 30 cents when you download it illegally.

 

A group of musicians have recorded a love song written by legendary mob boss Al Capone while he was in prison, called Madonna Mia.  To which A-Rod said, “Is there anyone you haven’t dated?”

 

Madonna was injured in a horseback riding incident in the Hamptons.  The good news: her hospital room is right next to the nursery.

 

People are still talking about the Yankees’ 22-4 loss to the Indians, for the sake of this joke.  I haven’t heard about someone getting pounded like that in New York since—well, Bernie Madoff.

 

Two Washington Nationals players were forced to take the field with the team’s name misspelled on the front of their jerseys.  The guys said they didn’t mind the mistake, as for one fleeting moment, it gave them a chance to deny that they play for the Nationals.    

 

Scientists are saying that human obesity is playing a hand in the global warming crisis.  Today, Al Gore said he was going to make some changes in his life—starting by denouncing the theory of global warming.

 

Scientists are saying that human obesity is playing a hand in the global warming crisis.  The good news: today, the Olsen Twins were nominated for a Nobel Prize in environmentalism.         

                                                           

The Boston Herald is reporting that the original Filene’s Basement may be forced to close up for good.  The good news: Filene’s son might finally have to move out and get an apartment of his own.

 

Fin 

*          *          *          *          *

 

I’ll be at Shooters Pub in Exeter, NH this Saturday night at 7:30  $8, 21+.  See ya then.

(UPDATE: This has been called off.  Sorry, folks.)


No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.