This Day in History: May 2

On this day in 1933, the Loch Ness Monster was spotted for the first time in modern history. Not to be outdone – the other day, I spotted two Home Depot employees.

On this day in 1972, The Rock was born. Of course, his birthname wasn’t The Rock – it was The Pebble.

On this day in 1885, the first Good Housekeeping went on sale. And on this day in 2025, husbands still don’t know if it’s a good or bad idea to buy their wife a copy of Good Housekeeping.

On this day in 1972, FBI director J. Edgar Hoover died. His last words to the FBI: “Remember what’s important: don’t let people make copies of movies they rent.”

On this day in 2011, Osama bin Laden was killed. If you feel like celebrating, do two shots.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 1

On this day in 2003, President Bush made his infamous “Mission Accomplished” speech on an aircraft carrier. Then, people called it tonedeaf and regrettable; now, people call it “the good old days.”

On this day in 1931, the Empire State Building opened. Or as King Kong put it, “Time to get m’steps in!”

On this day in 1963, James Whittaker became the first American climber to reach the top of Mount Everest. Or as King Kong put it, “You just had to show me up, huh Jim?”

On this day in 1941, Citizen Kane was released. Spoiler alert: “Rosebud” is the name of the shark that blows up Bruce Willis.

On this day in 1967, Elvis and Priscilla Presley were married. Said Elvis on their wedding night: “It’s one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and now I’m asleep.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 30

On this day in 1952, Mr. Potato Head became the first toy advertised on television. He came with 30 stick-on facial features – or, almost as many as a Real Housewife.

On this day in 1803, the U.S. and France completed the Louisiana Purchase – doubling the size of the U.S. Or as another country told us this week, “Don’t get your hopes up, eh?”

On this day in 1859, the first installment of A Tale of Two Cities was published. Yep, first installment. I love that even Dickens was like, “Please subscribe to my Substack!”

On this day in 1945, Adolf Hitler moved to Argentina to live out his days with Bigfoot and Amelia Earhart. I mean, uh… “died.”

On this day in 1977, more than 2,000 people occupied the construction site of the Seabrook Nuclear Power Plant in New Hampshire. But I grew up down the road from the plant, and I give it three thumbs up!

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 29

On this day in 1933, Willie Nelson was born. Today, he spent a moment blowing out his candles – and an hour inhaling the smoke.

On this day in 1945, Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun just hours before their death. Or as one guest put it, “Sooooo…do I get to take the waffle-maker I gave them back, orrrrrrr…”

On this day in 1968, Hair debuted on Broadway. It was notable for its references to drugs and sex, and a full-frontal nude scene; oddly enough, so is SpongeBob: The Musical.  

On this day in 2011, audiences around the world were treated to The Pippa Middleton Show (while in the background, William and Kate got married).

On this day in 1986, a massive fire engulfed the Los Angeles Public Library. Said LA residents, “What is a library?”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 28

On this day in 1950, Jay Leno was born. He was the baby in the nursery wearing a denim blanket in a race car crib.

On this day in 1983, a West German magazine began publishing purported entries from Hitler’s diary, which later proved to be forgeries. You could tell they were fake because the handwriting was slightly off – and also, they were in a My Little Pony notebook.

On this day in 1988, Aloha Airlines Flight 243 landed safely after losing its roof. Unfortunately, passengers were then charged a 50-dollar “convertible fee.”

On this day in 2001, a Russian rocket carried billionaire Dennis Tito into space, making him the first space tourist. It’s the most famous instance of a billionaire being propelled by Russia – other than the 2016 election.

On this day in 1996, President Clinton gave a videotaped testimony in the Whitewater case that lasted four hours. Said Clinton, “That’s the first time I’ve been videotaped doin’ somethin’ for four hours and not had fun.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 27

On this day in 1861, President Lincoln suspended the writ of habeas corpus. But that would never happen now – as the president skipped right to suspending all the judges.

On this day in 1956, Rocky Marciano retired as world champion. And on this day in 2025, Jake Paul challenged him.

On this day in 1942, the U.S. issued a ration stating that people could only buy 26 pounds of sugar per year. Which explains that saying: “Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something meh to eat.”

On this day in 4977 B.C., the universe was created according to mathematician and astronomer Johannes Kepler – a calculation that turned out to be off by 13.7 billion years. Said his friends, “That’s the last time we let him figure out the tip.”

On this day in 1932, Casey Kasem was born. Or as he put it, “New to this week’s countdown is a little firecracker who’s going to turn the world upside down! Debuting at number two billion, it’s…me!”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 26

On this day in 1986, Arnold Schwarzenegter married Maria Shriver. Or as Arnold told the bridesmaids, “I’ll be back.”

On this day in 1962, NASA’s Ranger 4 spacecraft crashed into the moon. And it didn’t even leave a note.

On this day in 1977, Studio 54 opened in New York City. And instead of cutting the ribbon, they snorted it.

On this day in 1865, John Wilkes Booth died. Did you know that Booth shot Lincoln in a theater and fled to a warehouse, while Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and fled to a theater? And that each happened on a Friday? And that both had sucessors named Johnson? And that I’ll keep sharing these facts until you put in your earbuds?

On this day in 1954, the first clinical trials of the polio vaccine began. Which is why RFK Jr.’s wearing his tinfoil hat at half-mast.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 25

On this day in 1719, The Life and Strange Adventures of Robinson Crusoe was published, in which the protagonist spends 28 years on a deserted island. Or as people reading it now put it, “Uhhh, when’s he makes friends with the volleyball?”

On this date in 1901, New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. And by the next day, someone had already taken “2Sexy.”

On this day in 1950, the Boston Celtics became the first NBA team to draft a Black player. Or as Spike Lee reported it, “Every Celtic ever has been white, and Larry Bird is the Zodiac Killer.”

On this day in 1974, the NFL adopted overtime for the regular season, guaranteeing that a team wins each game. As opposed to the other way to guarantee a win: playing the Browns.

On this day in 1940, Al Pacino was born. His parents told everyone to “Say hello to” – say it with me – “our newborn baby.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 24

On this day in 1990, the Hubble Space telescope was carried to space, where it was expected to be active for 15 years – but kept sending information for 30. In other words, Hubble is your friend from high school who keeps posting memes on Facebook.

On this day in 1800, the Library of Congress was created. Also born in 1800 – most current members of Congress.

On this day in 1964, Cedric The Entertainer was born. It was a wonderful day for his parents, Mr. and Mrs. the Entertainer.

On this day in 2005, a new pope was inaugurated, and chose Benedict XVI over his birthname Joseph Ratzinger. Not for religious reasons – he was just tired of people thinking he played Cliff on Cheers.

On this day in 1704, the first regular newspaper in Colonial America, The Boston News-Letter, was published. Its top story: “Why is the Big Dig taking so long??”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 23

On this day in 1936, Roy Orbison was born. He was the baby in the nursery wearing sunglasses and purring.

On this day in 1977, John Oliver was born. He was the baby in the nursery doing a 20-minute takedown on playpens.

On this day in 1977, John Cena was born. He was in the nursery – but you couldn’t see him.

On this day in 1564, William Shakespeare was born. He was the most overrated baby in the nursery.

On this day in 1598, Dutch admiral Maarten Tromp was born. He was the baby in the nursery saying, “That’s Tromp – with an O.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 22

On this day in 1978, Bob Marley headlined the One Love Peace Concert in Jamaica, while The Blues Brothers performed for the first time on Saturday Night Live. Or as drug-sniffing dogs called it, “The Perfect Storm.”

On this day in 1876, the first National League baseball game was played in Philadelphia. And even though they weren’t yet invented, players were still pelted with batteries.

On this day in 1945, Adolf Hitler admitted defeat. Hear that?? Rather than telling his supporters something was rigged, stolen, or cheated, Adolf Hitler admitted defeat.

On this day in 1937, Jack Nicholson was born. Or as he put it, “Heeeeeere’s baby!”

On this day in 1970, the first Earth Day was celebrated. Personally, I think we’ve done a great job caring for the Earth aaaaaaand gotta go, there’s a polar bear at my door.

Enjoy the present…and remember: The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 21

On this day in 1980, Rosie Ruiz faked winning the Boston Marathon, only to be stripped of her medal. She entered the race at the last second, seemed to have it won, then lost – or as that’s now known, “pulling a Kamala.”

On this day in 753 B.C., Rome was founded. The city would flourish into a dynasty before finally meeting its downfall: The Olive Garden.

On this day in 1985, federal authorities claimed victory over militant group The Covenant, The Sword, and the Arm of the Lord. Pro tip: if you’re starting a militant group, don’t give it a name that sounds like a Dr. Seuss book.

On this day in 1895, the first movie projector was demonstrated in the U.S. You see, movie projectors played films at the movie theater. And movie theaters are where you used to go see movies. And movies were like extra-long TV shows. And TV shows were like extra-long TikToks…

On this day in 1977, Annie opened on Broadway. It’s the story of a trouble-making child who moves in with a heartless billionaire – or as it would be called now, Elonnie.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 20

On this day in 1986, Michael Jordan scored an NBA Playoff record 63 points in a loss to the Celtics. Larry Bird called him “Phenomenal;” Danny Ainge called him “Unstoppable”; and Bill Walton said, “Michael Jordan is to basketball what Jerry Garcia is to music! What Picasso is to art! What Scooby-Doo is to solving crimes!”

On this day in 1951, Luther Vandross was born. And thanks to his music, so were you.

On this day in 2008, Danica Patrick became the first woman to win an Indy race. You won’t believe this, but it turns out anyone can put their food on a pedal and push really hard.

On this day in 1979, President Carter was filmed fighting a swamp rabbit that was trying to get into his fishing boat. Or as Fox reports it: “Jimmy Carter killed the Easter Bunny.”

On this day in 1889, Adolph Hitler was born. I’m certainly not a fan but, celebrate if you musk.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 19

On this day in 1775, The Revolutionary War began in Massacusetts, which is why we celebrate Patriots Day. “Sooooo, it’s not named after you??” said Bill Belichick’s girlfriend.

On this day in 1897, the first Boston Marathon was held. And I tell ya, if I’d been running that year – I’d be hoping to finish this year.

On this day in 1947, President Truman opened the White House bowling alley. And on this day in 2025, Don Jr. and Eric got their heads stuck in the ball return.

On this day in 1971, Charles Manson was sentenced to death, later commuted to life imprisonment. Because even Satan was like, “I don’t want that dirty hippie in my house!”

On this day in 1956, Grace Kelly abandoned her Hollywood career in order to marry royalty. And somehow resisted the urge to make an insufferable Netflix show about it.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 18

On this day in 1775, Paul Revere set off on his famous midnight ride to warn that the British were coming. Whereas today, he’d tweet, “Brits OTW, #NoCap.”

On this day in 1958, a record 78,682 fans watched the Dodgers play the Giants at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. It was such a big crowd, the wave still hasn’t made its way back around.

On this day in 1955, the first “Walk/Don’t Walk” street lights were installed. Followed by the first a-hole pretending to run through the crosswalk in slow motion against the signal.

On this day in 1521, Martin Luther remained defiant at the Diet of Worms. Incidentally, “Diet of Worms” is what RFK Jr. suggests instead of Ozempic.

On this day in 1975, John Lennon gave his final public performance. He sang “Stand By Me,” “Imagine,” and, of course, “No Scrubs.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 17

On this day in 1790, Benjamin Franklin died, with his last words being: “A dying man can do nothing easy.” Damn – one minute you’re writing the Declaration of Independence; the next, you’re writing fortune cookies.

On this day in 1974, Victoria Beckham was born. Marking the one time Posh Spice was also Baby Spice.

On this day in 1907, Ellis Island had its busiest day ever, processing 11,747 people. Which is why the Statue of Liberty went from saying, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses” to “Give me one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.”

On this day in 1951, Mickey Mantle had his first at-bat for the New York Yankees. The pitcher: Bartolo Colon.

On this day in 1970, the astronauts of Apollo 13 fell safely to earth after surviving in space for four days. Said Katy Perry, “Four days? Psh – try four minutes!”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 16

On this day in 1947, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was born. But his birth certificate didn’t read “Kareem Abdul-Jabbar”; it read “Roger Murdock, Co-Pilot.”

On this day in 1889, Charlie Chaplin was born. And instead of crying, he held up title cards that said “Waaaaa!”

On this day in 1943, the hallucinogenic effects of LSD were discovered by Swiss chemist Albert Hoffmann. He gave a lengthy speech about the subject to what turned out to be a coatrack.

On this day in 1929, the Cleveland Indians became the first team with numbers on the back of their jerseys. In what I assume was an attempt to distract people from the name on the front of them.

On this day in 1964, The Rolling Stones released their first album. Keith Richards gave a lengthy speech about the album to what turned out to be a coatrack.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 15

On this day in 1865, President Lincoln died. But we honor him with a tunnel nobody likes and a coin nobody uses.

On this day in 1912, the band kept playing as the Titanic sank. And probably could’ve picked a better song than “Splish Splash (I Was Taking a Bath).”

On this day in 1955, Ray Kroc opened his first McDonald’s franchise location in Illinois. And people were able to enjoy it because on this day in 1923, Insulin became available.

On this day in 1959, Castro visited the United States from Cuba. You could tell he was a dignitary because he beached in a hollowed-out limo.

On this day in 1947, Jackie Robinson became the first Black player in Major League Baseball history. While Sammy Sosa remains the only player to…switch hit.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 14

On this day in 1865, John Wilkes Booth shot President Lincoln at the play “My American Cousin.” Even worse, it was before Lincoln could post a photo of the Playbill to Instagram.

On this day in 1912, The Titanic struck an iceberg. And of course, the iceberg had no insurance.

On this day in 1910, Taft was the first president asked to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. He’s also the only president to eat the baseball.

On this day in 1941, Pete Rose was born. Unfortunately, he’d bet five grand he’d be born the next day.

On this day in 1828, Webster’s English Dictionary was printed. Upon holding the great book, Webster said: “This is ridonkulous!”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 13

On this day in 1976, the U.S. introduced the two-dollar bill. In 2025, the bill is very hard to find – just like the rest of your money.

On this day in 1928, three men completed the first nonstop flight from Europe to the North America. Moe flew, Larry navigated, and Curly wound up on the wing somehow.

On this day in 1743, Thomas Jefferson was born. It’s the day people all over the country celebrate the former president – well, today and Father’s Day.

On this day in 1997, 21-year-old Tiger Woods became the youngest person to win The Masters. To put that in perspective, he won before he was able to rent a car. Which he…probably still shouldn’t be able to do.

On this day in 1870, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opened in New York City. And the following day, they installed signs reading “Please Don’t Draw Penises on the Art.”

Enjoy the Present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.