This Day in History: May 9

On this day in 1948, Billy Joel was born. It was annoying though – his grandpa got his nose and wouldn’t give it back-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.

On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the birth control pill. At least, I’m 99% sure they did.

On this day in 1958, on an episode of the western Trackdown, a con artist named Trump claimed he alone could save the town from a meteor storm by building a giant wall. He even went a step further and vowed that the meteors would pay for it.

On this day in 1974, the House voted to initiate impeachment hearings against President Nixon. And if you’re wondering how effective presidential impeachments turned out to be – let’s just say they’re no pill.

On this day in 1914, Woodrow Wilson made Mother’s Day an official holiday. Just gonna let this sit while you frantically call 1-800-FLOWERS.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 8

On this day in 1886, the first ever Coca-Cola was served at a pharmacy in Atlanta as a tonic to cure ailments. As in, “Your insurance doesn’t cover Coke - is Pepsi okay?”

On this day in 1864, General Lee’s Army beat Grant’s Union Army to Spotsylvania Court House in Virginia. Incidentally, Spotsylvania is the name of my Pixar script about a vampire Dalmatian.

On this day in 1884, Harry Truman was born. Which, according to Billy Joel, is the first thing that ever happened.

On this day in 1963, the first James Bond movie opened in the U.S. You could tell it was the first movie, because when he said, “The name is Bond,” the audience went “Who Bond?”

On this day in 1976, the first steel roller coaster with a vertical loop opened at Magic Mountain. While the carny operating the ride enjoyed a magic mushroom.

On this day in 1970, The Beatles released their final album, Let It Be. Tracks included “Let It Be,” “Get Back,” and of course, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 7

On this day in 1994, four months after it was stolen, Norwegian officials recovered Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.” Or as Americans call it, “that weird drawing of Kevin McCallister.”

On this day in 2000, Vladimir Putin was inaugurated as President of Russia. Supporters threw him a joyful celebration – then were jailed for experiencing joy.

On this day in 1824, Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony debuted to multiple standing ovations. Then for the encore, he played “For Those About to Classical (We Salute You).”

On this day in 1931, a standoff between murderer Francis Crowley and 300 policemen took place at his fifth-floor apartment in New York. While his sixth-floor neighbor returning from the market was like, “Of course I had to buy ice cream.”

On this day in 2004, marine biologist Richard Thompson coined the term “microplastics.” The weird thing is, he was referring to Ken dolls.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 6

On this day in 1856, Dr. Sigmund Freud was born. That’s weird, I could have sworn it was on amother – I mean, another day.

On this day in 1937, the Hindenburg exploded and crashed. Or as Newark Airport would call that, “a slight delay.”

On this day in 1991, Harry Grant set the record for oldest NASCAR winner at 51. And you could tell he was old, because he drove the whole race with his right blinker on.

On this day in 2004, the final episode of Friends aired. SPOILER ALERT: Can you believe the friends were just a figment of Marcel the Monkey’s imagination??

On this day in 1954, British medical student Roger Bannister ran the first four-minute mile. It was the fastest a doctor ever ran – until Dr. Phil was asked to show his medical degree.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 5

On this day in 1818, Karl Marx was born. And each year, he’d celebrate by distributing evenly sliced pieces of cake for all.

On this day in 1862, the outnumbered Mexican army defeated France at the Battle of Puebla. Which sounds amazing until you remember – you know, it’s France.

On this day in 1821, Napoleon died. His remains were placed in an urn – and he wasn’t even cremated.

On this day in 1961, Alan Shepard became the first American in space. Or as historians put it: “He walked so Katy Perry could brag.”

On this day in 1925, John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching evolution. To make matters worse, his theories were later disproven by Jersey Shore.

On this day in 1978, Ben & Jerry opened their first ice cream shop. Their flavors would eventually include Chubby Hubby – which, according to Tennessee, is not a descendent of Chunky Monkey.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 4

On this day in 1994, British lawmaker Harry Cohen first made the pun “May the Fourth be with you.” To which the rest of parliament said, “May we pants you now.”

On this day in 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit arrived at the island now known as Manhattan. And even then, he couldn’t figure out which was the original Ray’s Pizza.

On this day in 1956, rockabilly great Gene Vincent recorded the song “Be-Bop-A-Lula.” Which is what my mom says when she’s trying to say “Coachella.”

On this day in 1959, the first ever Grammy Awards were held, with Frank Sinatra winning one and Alvin and The Chipmunks winning three. Long story short, Sinatra left with four, and his girlfriend got a “mink” hand warmer.

On this day in 1948, Norman Mailer published his first novel, The Naked and the Dead. Incidentally, that’s what Jordon Hudson and Bill Belichick have monogramed on their towels.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 3

On this day in 1952, the Kentucky Derby was broadcast on television for the first time. And from that day on, the horses couldn’t go to any clubs without being recognized.

On this day in 1986, 54-year-old Willie Shoemaker became the oldest jockey to win the Kentucky Derby. I know it sounds crazy, but it turns out short guys of all ages can just sit there on a really fast horse.

On this day in 1952, Joseph Fletcher landed the first aircraft on the North Pole. Or as Santa put it, “Sure, Jan.”

On this day in 1933, James Brown was born. And whenever he cried, the nurses would come put a cape on him.

On this day in 1802, Washington D.C. was incorporated as a city. To show you how long ago that was, Chuck Schumer was only 60.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 2

On this day in 1933, the Loch Ness Monster was spotted for the first time in modern history. Not to be outdone – the other day, I spotted two Home Depot employees.

On this day in 1972, The Rock was born. Of course, his birthname wasn’t The Rock – it was The Pebble.

On this day in 1885, the first Good Housekeeping went on sale. And on this day in 2025, husbands still don’t know if it’s a good or bad idea to buy their wife a copy of Good Housekeeping.

On this day in 1972, FBI director J. Edgar Hoover died. His last words to the FBI: “Remember what’s important: don’t let people make copies of movies they rent.”

On this day in 2011, Osama bin Laden was killed. If you feel like celebrating, do two shots.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: May 1

On this day in 2003, President Bush made his infamous “Mission Accomplished” speech on an aircraft carrier. Then, people called it tonedeaf and regrettable; now, people call it “the good old days.”

On this day in 1931, the Empire State Building opened. Or as King Kong put it, “Time to get m’steps in!”

On this day in 1963, James Whittaker became the first American climber to reach the top of Mount Everest. Or as King Kong put it, “You just had to show me up, huh Jim?”

On this day in 1941, Citizen Kane was released. Spoiler alert: “Rosebud” is the name of the shark that blows up Bruce Willis.

On this day in 1967, Elvis and Priscilla Presley were married. Said Elvis on their wedding night: “It’s one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and now I’m asleep.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 30

On this day in 1952, Mr. Potato Head became the first toy advertised on television. He came with 30 stick-on facial features – or, almost as many as a Real Housewife.

On this day in 1803, the U.S. and France completed the Louisiana Purchase – doubling the size of the U.S. Or as another country told us this week, “Don’t get your hopes up, eh?”

On this day in 1859, the first installment of A Tale of Two Cities was published. Yep, first installment. I love that even Dickens was like, “Please subscribe to my Substack!”

On this day in 1945, Adolf Hitler moved to Argentina to live out his days with Bigfoot and Amelia Earhart. I mean, uh… “died.”

On this day in 1977, more than 2,000 people occupied the construction site of the Seabrook Nuclear Power Plant in New Hampshire. But I grew up down the road from the plant, and I give it three thumbs up!

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 29

On this day in 1933, Willie Nelson was born. Today, he spent a moment blowing out his candles – and an hour inhaling the smoke.

On this day in 1945, Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun just hours before their death. Or as one guest put it, “Sooooo…do I get to take the waffle-maker I gave them back, orrrrrrr…”

On this day in 1968, Hair debuted on Broadway. It was notable for its references to drugs and sex, and a full-frontal nude scene; oddly enough, so is SpongeBob: The Musical.  

On this day in 2011, audiences around the world were treated to The Pippa Middleton Show (while in the background, William and Kate got married).

On this day in 1986, a massive fire engulfed the Los Angeles Public Library. Said LA residents, “What is a library?”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 28

On this day in 1950, Jay Leno was born. He was the baby in the nursery wearing a denim onesie in a race car crib.

On this day in 1983, a West German magazine began publishing purported entries from Hitler’s diary, which later proved to be forgeries. You could tell they were fake because the handwriting was slightly off – and also, they were in a My Little Pony notebook.

On this day in 1988, Aloha Airlines Flight 243 landed safely after losing its roof. Unfortunately, passengers were then charged a 50-dollar “convertible fee.”

On this day in 2001, a Russian rocket carried billionaire Dennis Tito into space, making him the first space tourist. It’s the most famous instance of a billionaire being propelled by Russia – other than the 2016 election.

On this day in 1996, President Clinton gave a videotaped testimony in the Whitewater case that lasted four hours. Said Clinton, “That’s the first time I’ve been videotaped doin’ somethin’ for four hours and not had fun.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 27

On this day in 1861, President Lincoln suspended the writ of habeas corpus. But that would never happen now – as the president skipped right to suspending all the judges.

On this day in 1956, Rocky Marciano retired as world champion. And on this day in 2025, Jake Paul challenged him.

On this day in 1942, the U.S. issued a ration stating that people could only buy 26 pounds of sugar per year. Which explains that saying: “Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something meh to eat.”

On this day in 4977 B.C., the universe was created according to mathematician and astronomer Johannes Kepler – a calculation that turned out to be off by 13.7 billion years. Said his friends, “That’s the last time we let him figure out the tip.”

On this day in 1932, Casey Kasem was born. Or as he put it, “New to this week’s countdown is a little firecracker who’s going to turn the world upside down! Debuting at number two billion, it’s…me!”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 26

On this day in 1986, Arnold Schwarzenegter married Maria Shriver. Or as Arnold told the bridesmaids, “I’ll be back.”

On this day in 1962, NASA’s Ranger 4 spacecraft crashed into the moon. And it didn’t even leave a note.

On this day in 1977, Studio 54 opened in New York City. And instead of cutting the ribbon, they snorted it.

On this day in 1865, John Wilkes Booth died. Did you know that Booth shot Lincoln in a theater and fled to a warehouse, while Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and fled to a theater? And that each happened on a Friday? And that both had sucessors named Johnson? And that I’ll keep sharing these facts until you put in your earbuds?

On this day in 1954, the first clinical trials of the polio vaccine began. Which is why RFK Jr.’s wearing his tinfoil hat at half-mast.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 25

On this day in 1719, The Life and Strange Adventures of Robinson Crusoe was published, in which the protagonist spends 28 years on a deserted island. Or as people reading it now put it, “Uhhh, when’s he makes friends with the volleyball?”

On this date in 1901, New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. And by the next day, someone had already taken “2Sexy.”

On this day in 1950, the Boston Celtics became the first NBA team to draft a Black player. Or as Spike Lee reported it, “Every Celtic ever has been white, and Larry Bird is the Zodiac Killer.”

On this day in 1974, the NFL adopted overtime for the regular season, guaranteeing that a team wins each game. As opposed to the other way to guarantee a win: playing the Browns.

On this day in 1940, Al Pacino was born. His parents told everyone to “Say hello to” – say it with me – “our newborn baby.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 24

On this day in 1990, the Hubble Space telescope was carried to space, where it was expected to be active for 15 years – but kept sending information for 30. In other words, Hubble is your friend from high school who keeps posting memes on Facebook.

On this day in 1800, the Library of Congress was created. Also born in 1800 – most current members of Congress.

On this day in 1964, Cedric The Entertainer was born. It was a wonderful day for his parents, Mr. and Mrs. the Entertainer.

On this day in 2005, a new pope was inaugurated, and chose Benedict XVI over his birthname Joseph Ratzinger. Not for religious reasons – he was just tired of people thinking he played Cliff on Cheers.

On this day in 1704, the first regular newspaper in Colonial America, The Boston News-Letter, was published. Its top story: “Why is the Big Dig taking so long??”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 23

On this day in 1936, Roy Orbison was born. He was the baby in the nursery wearing sunglasses and purring.

On this day in 1977, John Oliver was born. He was the baby in the nursery doing a 20-minute takedown on playpens.

On this day in 1977, John Cena was born. He was in the nursery – but you couldn’t see him.

On this day in 1564, William Shakespeare was born. He was the most overrated baby in the nursery.

On this day in 1598, Dutch admiral Maarten Tromp was born. He was the baby in the nursery saying, “That’s Tromp – with an O.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 22

On this day in 1978, Bob Marley headlined the One Love Peace Concert in Jamaica, while The Blues Brothers performed for the first time on Saturday Night Live. Or as drug-sniffing dogs called it, “The Perfect Storm.”

On this day in 1876, the first National League baseball game was played in Philadelphia. And even though they weren’t yet invented, players were still pelted with batteries.

On this day in 1945, Adolf Hitler admitted defeat. Hear that?? Rather than telling his supporters something was rigged, stolen, or cheated, Adolf Hitler admitted defeat.

On this day in 1937, Jack Nicholson was born. Or as he put it, “Heeeeeere’s baby!”

On this day in 1970, the first Earth Day was celebrated. Personally, I think we’ve done a great job caring for the Earth aaaaaaand gotta go, there’s a polar bear at my door.

Enjoy the present…and remember: The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 21

On this day in 1980, Rosie Ruiz faked winning the Boston Marathon, only to be stripped of her medal. She entered the race at the last second, seemed to have it won, then lost – or as that’s now known, “pulling a Kamala.”

On this day in 753 B.C., Rome was founded. The city would flourish into a dynasty before finally meeting its downfall: The Olive Garden.

On this day in 1985, federal authorities claimed victory over militant group The Covenant, The Sword, and the Arm of the Lord. Pro tip: if you’re starting a militant group, don’t give it a name that sounds like a Dr. Seuss book.

On this day in 1895, the first movie projector was demonstrated in the U.S. You see, movie projectors played films at the movie theater. And movie theaters are where you used to go see movies. And movies were like extra-long TV shows. And TV shows were like extra-long TikToks…

On this day in 1977, Annie opened on Broadway. It’s the story of a trouble-making child who moves in with a heartless billionaire – or as it would be called now, Elonnie.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 20

On this day in 1986, Michael Jordan scored an NBA Playoff record 63 points in a loss to the Celtics. Larry Bird called him “Phenomenal;” Danny Ainge called him “Unstoppable”; and Bill Walton said, “Michael Jordan is to basketball what Jerry Garcia is to music! What Picasso is to art! What Scooby-Doo is to solving crimes!”

On this day in 1951, Luther Vandross was born. And thanks to his music, so were you.

On this day in 2008, Danica Patrick became the first woman to win an Indy race. You won’t believe this, but it turns out anyone can put their food on a pedal and push really hard.

On this day in 1979, President Carter was filmed fighting a swamp rabbit that was trying to get into his fishing boat. Or as Fox reports it: “Jimmy Carter killed the Easter Bunny.”

On this day in 1889, Adolph Hitler was born. I’m certainly not a fan but, celebrate if you musk.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.