The NBA and World Wrestling Entertainment were locked in a bitter dispute over arena privileges, as they were double-booked at the Pepsi Center on Monday night. Sports writers are calling the situation a silly argument between a phony organization where all the outcomes are predetermined, and the WWE.
Google is using a highly sophisticated algorithm to determine which of its employees are most likely to quit. The system takes into account employee surveys, peer reviews, and people who sign each memo “So long, suckers.”
A man in England is recovering, after falling 6,000 feet into a rocky mountainside after he failed to open his parachute while skydiving. Even more amazing: the guy said the entire time he was falling, he still felt safer than he would have flying Continental.
Newsweek is reporting that Vice-President Joe Biden revealed the location of a top secret Vice-Presidential bunker while speaking at a high-profile dinner in the capital. Fortunately, nobody there heard the location, because they had dozed off long before he got to it.
Experts are warning that GPS satellites are close to failing, and the system could be close to a breakdown. GPS officials couldn’t be reached for comment, because they had just driven into a volcano.
I got a GPS not too long ago, and it’s very advanced. I said I wanted to go to Cambridge, and it said “Take a right.” I said I wanted to go to Somerville, and it said “Take a left.” I said I wanted to go to Roxbury, and it said “Take a gun.”
People are still talking about Rachel Alexandra winning the Preakness. Jockey Calvin Borel raised some eyebrows, after he ditched a male because he thought he’d have a better chance riding a female. When asked why, Borel said, “Hey, it worked for Lindsay Lohan.”
Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski said that Americans need to scale back their consumerism because it is harming the environment. Kulongoski said that staying at home and not spending any money could also allow Americans to focus on other issues, like fixing the economy.
The economy’s bad. Today, Miss California lost her shirt!—And not in the fun way!
It’s hurting athletes. Brad Penny—working at JC Penny.
It’s real bad. Today I saw Scrooge McDuck at the park, fighting for bread.
The economy’s so bad, I’m back to buying visors, because I can’t afford the whole hat!
In Australia, a kangaroo is recovering and expected to make a full recovery after it spent a week with an arrow lodged down the middle of his head. Wildlife officials are calling the animal amazing; scientists are calling him a miracle; Steve Martin is calling him a hack.
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How was your week? Mine was pretty enjoyable…as the above offering likely proves. Got to see a bunch of old friends, make a bunch of new friends, and took part in three great comedy shows. Dartmouth College was a blast, and I can safely say that driving up there on such a nice day was probably the best ride to a comedy show I’ve had. Sorry, Keene State in a rainstorm/Turners Falls in a blizzard.
Then on Friday and Saturday, I got to play at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA, and was even more blown away by how cool those audiences were. This further cemented Salem as one of my favorite all-time towns…despite its pretty messed up tourism ploy. I still maintain those broads could have been holding book club meetings—which, come to think of it, is pretty good cause for burning. So never mind, I’m cool with it.
Three shows this week, but only two to plug:
1)I’m at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Friday. It’s going to be a great, great show, with the likes of Dan Boulger, Shaun Bedgood, Bill Braudis, Chris Pennie and maybe another guy who I worked with at Dartmouth last week. Hosted by Ken Reid. 8 PM, 10 bucks cheap, and tickets can be ordered in advance HERE. Great show, don’t miss it.
2) I’m at the Italian Community Center in Beverly, MA at 8 PM on Saturday. Gonna be swell.
That’s all I got for ya. See ya next week, for what could be the last new one for a while. Stay tuned.
Comedienne Wanda Sykes caused a controversy at the White House Correspondents Dinner when she made jokes comparing Rush Limbaugh to Osama bin Laden. The next day, he called it outrageous to be compared to such a loathsome, vile being—and Limbaugh was pretty pissed, too.
On his radio show, Rush Limbaugh said the Democrats should be scared to death of the prospect of Sarah Palin being the Republican nominee in 2012. So, it looks like Republicans and Democrats could finally have something to agree on.
The FDA sent a letter to General Mills criticizing the company for “serious violations” and gave it 15 days to fix packaging for Cheerios that says the cereal lowers cholesterol and treats heart disease. In addition, the company will also be forced to change the packaging for Trix, after a class action suit brought by rabbits.
According to a new report many meals at popular restaurant chains are loaded with salt, which can increase a person’s chances of developing hypertension, heart disease, strokes, and kidney disease—all of which transformed Grimace from a successful tri-athlete to the poorly-circulated blob you see today.
A judge in Saudi Arabia has ruled it acceptable for men to beat their wives for spending lavishly. When he heard the news, Chris Brown proposed to Rihanna, and announced they were moving to Saudi Arabia.
Singer Rihanna has reportedly recorded a new song that criticizes her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown, who allegedly assaulted her in February. The song is expected to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “hit record.”
At a mass in Jordan, Pope Benedict called for a greater global respect for women—unless the women are applying to be a priest, a cardinal, a bishop or a pope.
It was reported that Madonna and her boyfriend would have a commitment ceremony at a Kabbalah center in New York this weekend. They would have done it last weekend, but the kid didn’t want to miss his prom.
An increasing number of people who have serious medical conditions, such as diabetes, are tattooing their condition on their wrists rather than using bracelets. Even celebrities are getting into the act, with Paris Hilton making it all the way to “Chlamyd.”
Boy George was released from a British prison on after serving four months for falsely imprisoning a male escort. The remaining inmates celebrated by Boy George’s release by showering—for the first time in four months.
Two Washington state men were injured after they began urinating on what they thought was an empty car, when the angry driver got out of the car and attacked them. Even more embarrassing was the fact the incident occurred at a Formula One race.
The first streaker ever at Citi Field, the New York Mets’ new stadium, ran onto the field and slid into second—or, as it’s called in baseball, the old unhidden ball trick.
And now it’s time for…
???A JOKE I WROTE THAT EVEN I DON’T GET???
Officials in Italy are investigating the alleged involvement of the mafia in the construction of several wind farms. This could explain why today, the guy leading the investigation woke up to find his ceiling fan in his bed. And that’s how we play…
???A JOKE I WROTE THAT EVEN I DON’T GET???
Scientists are saying that a massive tsunami wave crashed into what is now New York City 2,300 years ago, scattering seashells and debris as far as Long Island and New Jersey. And today, FEMA finally showed up to help out.
A new study shows that people are not wired to be texting while driving. I believe it was published in the New England Journal of Common Sense.
At a conference in Washington, former Secretary of State Colin Powell said the GOP is in trouble, and that the Republican Party is shrinking. Then he looked at Rush Limbaugh, and said, “Well, maybe not all of it.”
One of the last remaining Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz has died at the age of 89. His remains were placed in an urn. The amazing part: he wasn’t even cremated.
The Cavs and Magic will meet this week in the Eastern Conference Finals. Kevin Garnett is not expected to play. Hey, you dish ‘em out, you take ‘em, folks.
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Three shows to plug this week:
1)I’ll be at Dartmouth College this Thursday with Joe List and Tom E. Morello. Bring it on, smart kids.
2)I’ll be at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA this Friday at 8 PM. Bring it on, witches.
3) I’ll be at the Griffin Theatre in Salem AGAIN on Saturday, at 8 PM. Bring it on, townsfolk.
As a result of testing positive for a banned substance, Manny Ramirez will have to sit out 50 games. So, it’ll be just like any other season. KA-POW!!!
151 million Mothers Day cards were sent this year—and that was just to the Octomom.
A computer hacker has been charged with breaking into the Twitter accounts of Britney Spears and Ashton Kutcher. Twitter suspected someone had hacked into Britney’s account when her tweets began to make sense.
Radio giant Clear Channel announced it is cutting 590 jobs due to the recession. The way they made the cuts was pretty insensitive; apparently, they told their employees, “If you want to keep your job, just be the twelfth caller!”
The State Department has started a new Musical Overtures program, which sends musicians to the war zones of Iraq and Afghanistan in hopes of sending the message that music is “universal.” At least, that’s what they’re telling Celine Dion.
In Quartz Hill, California, a 17-year-old girl used a marching band baton to fight off two would-be muggers. To show you how rough the neighborhood is, it happened during a parade.
Activists in the Kenya are urging women to withhold sex for a week to protest the growing divide in the nation’s coalition government, and are even willing to pay prostitutes to withhold sex as well. So they’d have a bunch of whores getting paid not to work—or as we call it here, “Congress.”
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
President Obama jumbled a joke at a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration held on May 4, when he referred to it at “Cinco de Cuatro,” which translates to five of four. When he heard the news, President Bush said, “100 days on the job, and the guy already thinks he can speak French.”
Most businesses in Mexico reopened Wednesday after being closed for five days because of swine flu, but they now face a complex set of new health restrictions that includes a mandatory two empty seats between people at movie theaters—thus making “The Ghost of Girlfriends Past” a surprising key to recovery.
Jennifer Aniston said recently that she would participate in a “Friends” movie, but only if they make it before they all get “old.” Which I think is actually Jennifer Aniston’s way of saying she won’t participate in a “Friends” movie.
In what’s being called a medical breakthrough, a Japanese scientist is on the verge of discovering a way to to grow a human organ inside of a sheep—to which farmers in Kentucky said, “So?”
The favorite to win the Kentucky Derby, I Want Revenge, was scratched hours before the race. As a result, his name has been changed to Never Mind, We’re Cool.
This week, Chanel, who has been named the world’s oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old. And man, did that bitch get wasted.
A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper, which he found in an old book he bought years ago. The recipe: 1) a cup of cola; 2) a cup of root beer; 3) stir.
In New York, a woman who worked for a major jewelry manufacturer has admitted to stealing 500 pounds of gold over the course of six years by smuggling it out piece by piece in her purse. Authorities believe the woman was taking the jewelry to supplement her other career as Flavor Flav’s dentist.
The latest message from Somalia’s Al-Qaeda-backed Al-Shabaab wing is an 18-minute hip-hop video that features a guy rapping. Al-Qaeda says it hopes the video strikes fear into the hearts of the infidels, and gets nominated for a VMA.
One of Britain’s leading forensic scientists has created a clay sculpture of the earliest known European face. Apparently, he was able to make a cast for the sculpture when Keith Richards fell asleep.
In London, a man and a woman were arrested for having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle while the Queen was inside. Her Majesty was irate when she heard the news, especially since she’d asked for two chicks.
According to a new survey, the French spend more time sleeping than any other country, finally explaining their cheery disposition.
The French Navy seized 11 pirates Sunday after they mistook a French warship for a commercial ship and made a run at it off the coast of Kenya. How unbelievable is that? France has a warship?
The Swiss government has rejected an effort by a man to register the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community because of the offensive name. As a result, the man has changed the name to the much less ridiculous Satan of Orgasm Church.
A judge has denied former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich the travel visa that would allow him to appear on the NBC reality show, “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Outta Here.” The good news: he still stands an excellent chance of appearing on another reality show—“Lockup.”
GROANER! GROANER! THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
In Los Angeles, auditions are underway for a new musical based on the Octomom, Nadya Suleman. They plan on calling it “Octomamma Mia!”
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I am appearing along with Dave Rattigan, Juston McKinney (two Tonight Shows!) and Joe Wong (a recent Late Show!) at Palio’s Italian Grill in Lexington, MA THIS SATURDAY. It’s gonna be a great, great show, and I am thrilled to be part of the lineup. Have a nice week.
CAUSE & EFFECT
The H1N1 Swine Flu
That’s the big story everyone. Posing a threat as the most damaging global pandemic since Spice World, the H1N1 Swine Flu has been all over the news over the past week. Some people say it’s dying. Some say it could come back. While others with no immediate prospects are shaking hands with everyone, showering at the gym and essentially daring fate to bring it on. How has H1N1 changed our society? Here now, a Cause & Effect breakdown of The Swine Flu.
CAUSE: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says department preparing for swine flu pandemic the same way it would a hurricane.
EFFECT: FEMA preparing relief packages to send a week late.
CAUSE: U.S. lawmakers say key to preventing the spread of the swine flu is securing the Mexican border.
EFFECT: Homeland Security: “Thanks, we needed the laugh.”
CAUSE: Doctors warn that wearing facemasks can be dangerous, as they lead people to take risks they shouldn’t be taking.
EFFECT: Sarah Palin explains to her kids that facemasks don’t qualify as an effective birth control method.
CAUSE: Airports begin detaining travelers who look ill.
EFFECT: Rolling Stones cancel their summer tour.
CAUSE: Texas Governor Rick Perry requested that over 37,000 doses of Tamiflu be sent to Texas from the Strategic National Stockpile.
EFFECT: Perry so busy requesting help from the U.S., he barely has time to talk about seceding from it. (Applause, applause, applause).
CAUSE: In Mexico, soccer teams play to empty stadiums because of the swine flu scare.
EFFECT: Washington Nationals: “Uh—yeah, us too.”
CAUSE: Egypt outlaws kissing or excessive physical contact.
EFFECT: Men in country report a lower-than-normal number of “pants pyramids.”
CAUSE: Egypt orders all 300,000 pigs in the country slaughtered immediately.
EFFECT: Wienerschnitzel announces merger with Egypt.
CAUSE: Egypt orders pigs slaughtered, despite the fact they are not responsible for spreading the virus.
EFFECT: Experts said they hadn’t seen a group attacked like this for something they weren’t behind since we invaded Iraq. What??? Who said that???
CAUSE: The World Health Organization says all countries should prepare for the worst, especially the poorer ones.
EFFECT: We’re screwed!
And in other news, it’s time for…
General Motors has announced plans to close most of its U.S. factories for nine weeks this summer, due to slumping sales. This makes GM the first Detroit-based organization to take an entire season off since—well, the Lions.
In last weekend’s game against the Yankees, Boston’s Jacoby Ellsbury became the first Red Sox player in ten years to steal home—I’m sorry, “foreclose” on it.
The CEO of AirTran wants the airline to be the first to fly from the U.S. to Cuba if travel restrictions are lifted. Travelers could expect limited perks, stale food and zero internet access—and the flight over there would be even worse.
Myspace co-founder Chris DeWolfe announced he is stepping down from his job as CEO of the social networking site, after its recent decline in popularity. Ironically, this is the first anyone’s heard of the decision, since he announced it on Myspace.
It’s believed Arlen Specter may have switched to the Democratic party to boost his reelection chances. I don’t want to say Specter switched sides just for publicity, but his new Secret Service codename is Lindsay Lohan.
Admiral Blair Dennis Blair said torturous interrogation techniques are bad, because the damage they do to our global image outweigh their immediate benefit. Then, he said the same thing about Subway’s Five Dollar Foot-Longs.
A Saudi court has sided with a man who divorced his wife via text message. When asked how he felt about the ruling, the man said “I’m happy, relieved, and LMAO.”
In Colorado Springs, a pregnant woman is recovering from minor injuries after she was hit by a car while running from a bear. Even more amazingly, it turns out the car was being driven by a bobcat.
In New York, a group of scientists say they have created an alternative to Viagra that can be applied by rubbing it directly into the skin. I just hope they don’t hire the same ad guys as HeadOn.
In Charleston, West Virginia, a woman is charged with trying to sell her five-month-old son in order to pay for a new apartment. Authorities are calling the woman troubled; parenting groups are calling her a disgrace; Madonna is calling her with an offer.
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Three things to mention this week: First of all, I will be hosting this Wednesday night May 6 at The Burren in Davis Square. Show is at 10pm , and is absolutely FREE.
Next, I am going to be at The Claddagh in Lawrence on Friday night with Jim Dunn of Sox Appeal, Joe Wong of The Late Show with David Letterman, and Dave Rattigan of Sirius XM and my mom’s hometown. The show is at 7pm.
Third, I am going to be at the Dover Bowl in Dover, NH on Saturday night. The show begins at 9, and more information can be found here.
Last, I do not care for Joakim Noah.
That is all. See ya next week.
Texas Governor Rick Perry said voters in the state could get so fed up with the federal budget mess, they may want to secede from the union. This would have a tremendous effect on American culture; for instance, Walker Texas Ranger would instead be known as Walker Foreign Ranger.
People in New York were frightened when one of the twin 747s that serve as Air Force One flew alarmingly close to the city for a planned photo op. That’s right, one of the two, twin 747s that serve as Air Force One. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say how delighted I’ve always been that our government’s plan for presidential air travel is the same plan the producers of Full House had for Michelle.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said the U.S. is ready to talk to Cuba. Her first order of business is finding out where Castro gets those nifty, retro pantsuits.
As part of a new effort to pay off Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign debt, supporters can pay as little as five dollars for a chance to spend the day with former President Bill Clinton. In order to be eligible, bidders are required to submit a valid credit card number and bra size.
Georgetown University says it was asked to cover up the monogram symbolizing Jesus Christ while President Obama spoke at the school this week. Apparently, the president’s aides felt having the symbol for Jesus in the background at an Obama speech would be a little redundant.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy recently indicated that President Obama is “weak” and “indecisive.” Then he said, “In other words, he’s our kind of guy.”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech that was so offensive, several European diplomats actually walked out. I don’t want to say this is bad news for Ahmadinejad, but his new Secret Service codename is Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
iTunes is now charging users $1.29 for new downloadable music, up from just 99 cents. The good news: you can now save an extra 30 cents when you download it illegally.
A group of musicians have recorded a love song written by legendary mob boss Al Capone while he was in prison, called Madonna Mia. To which A-Rod said, “Is there anyone you haven’t dated?”
Madonna was injured in a horseback riding incident in the Hamptons. The good news: her hospital room is right next to the nursery.
People are still talking about the Yankees’ 22-4 loss to the Indians, for the sake of this joke. I haven’t heard about someone getting pounded like that in New York since—well, Bernie Madoff.
Two Washington Nationals players were forced to take the field with the team’s name misspelled on the front of their jerseys. The guys said they didn’t mind the mistake, as for one fleeting moment, it gave them a chance to deny that they play for the Nationals.
Scientists are saying that human obesity is playing a hand in the global warming crisis. Today, Al Gore said he was going to make some changes in his life—starting by denouncing the theory of global warming.
Scientists are saying that human obesity is playing a hand in the global warming crisis. The good news: today, the Olsen Twins were nominated for a Nobel Prize in environmentalism.
The Boston Herald is reporting that the original Filene’s Basement may be forced to close up for good. The good news: Filene’s son might finally have to move out and get an apartment of his own.
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I’ll be at Shooters Pub in Exeter, NH this Saturday night at 7:30 $8, 21+. See ya then.
(UPDATE: This has been called off. Sorry, folks.)
Vice-President Biden threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Oriole’s Camden Yards on Opening Day. You could tell it was thrown by Biden, because it went long and missed the mark completely.
In the gunfight that ensued to rescue Captain Richard Phillips, three Somali pirates were killed, and one was captured. Experts said they haven’t seen a group of pirates get beat this bad anywhere since—well, Pittsburgh.
Some moral and legal issues have been raised about the surviving Somali pirate’s legal status, as he could be younger than 18 years old. And his problems don’t end there; today when she heard the kid might be going to jail, Madonna broke up with him.
President Obama’s science advisor John Holdren has introduced a new global warming plan that would shoot pollution particles into the earth’s upper atmosphere to reflect the sun’s rays. The tactic will be known as Operation: We’re Rubber, You’re Glue.
The Washington Post noted that the new White House dog, Bo, is very taken by President Obama, and likes to follow him around obediently—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Chris Matthews.
President Obama is expected to lift restrictions and make it easier for Americans to travel more freely to Cuba. To which Yankees scouts said, “Oh…it’s good to hear we can start doing that just now…”
Kevin Garnett is expected to miss the playoffs completely. The good news: today he was named an honorary Knick.
* * * * *
Caseworkers in Arizona have discovered a new trend of older couples looking to adopt school-age children—or, as it’s normally called, “kidnapping.”
In New York, two dozen people auditioned to become a clown with Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Not surprisingly, they all arrived in the same car.
U.S. ship captain Richard Phillips reportedly escaped his pirate captors by saying he had to relieve himself, then jumping overboard. Which I think, more than anything, tells you all you need to know about the male mentality. “Yeah, I know there’s two million dollars in ransom at stake—but there’s no way I’m holding that guy’s hand while he pees.”
Chrysler has unveiled a new Jeep Grand Cherokee SUV that only gets 20 miles per gallon. Not to be outdone, GM has unveiled a new Hummer that runs solely on vintage champagne.
General Motors and Segway on Tuesday introduced the PUMA, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is designed to be a fast, safe, inexpensive and clean alternative to ever getting laid.
The Manhattan district attorney’s office has stopped a plot to smuggle nuclear weapons material to Iran through unwitting New York Banks. Apparently, the culprits blew their cover when they wrote “nuclear weapons material” on a deposit slip.
Voters in Winfield, Missouri re-elected their mayor for a fourth term, about a month after his death. Voters said they were turned off by his opponent’s negative campaign that accused the mayor of, among other things, being dead.
Despite warnings from the US and other world leaders, North Korea launched a missile which they claim put a satellite into orbit that is broadcasting “immortal revolutionary songs” praising Kim Jong Il. Which raises the question: who at Sirius XM thought it would be a good idea to start a Kim Jong Il channel?
A soccer referee in England handed out a yellow card recently when a player loudly passed gas, causing the opposing team to miss a penalty kick. The ref said he only gave the man a yellow card because there’s no such thing as a brown one.
Vermont became the fourth state to legalize gay marriage when its legislature overrode the Governor’s veto of the bill. So whenever you’re ready, Ben & Jerry. (I had it before Stewart, just ask Nick French—but you did too, probably).
ETA 4/14 9:47 PM: Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles on Monday. Did you see his mugshot? Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…
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Two quick notes: I’ll be at The Gold Room in Portland, ME this Friday at 8:30, and at the Onion Town Grill (ETA:) Lowell Brewery Exchange this Saturday in Danvers Lowell at 8 with Jimmy Dunn and Tony V and other great folks! (TICKETS AVAILABLE HERE). Hope to see you there.
Another not so quick note: congratulations to Joe Wong, who taped what we heard was a phenomenal set at The Late Show with David Letterman yesterday!!! It’ll be on this Friday night around 12:15 or so, on CBS. If you have not seen Joe, seriously, tune in. A hilarious, great guy who just made Boston comedy history.
So how was your Easter, Passover, or weekend, depending on your beliefs? Mine was pretty decent. Got to visit with my Uncle Johnny on Saturday, who was a merchant marine for many, many years. Interesting to get his take on the pirate situation. How unbelievable is that crap? When I was a kid, I was always told that things would be better, things would be easier, the world would be a happier place for our kids than it was for our parents. Who would have thought, in the year 2009, we’d be dealing with a stock market crash, an impending asteroid disaster—and pirates. Pirates!
But at least they finally got the guy out of there. Apparently, it all occurred when the U.S. realized they have the world’s largest military at its disposal—and the other guys are pirates. And now they’re bringing the surviving pirate to trial in New York. Well, that ought to be a good one. “Sir, please place your hook on the Bible and repeat after me…” What’s the maximum sentence for pillaging nowadays, anyway? Do they have to pick trash up off the highway? “No, I don’t need a wooden stake, I’ll just use my right leg.” And does he get a jury of his peers? “All in favor of an acquittal?” “Arrrrr!” “The arrrrrrs have it!” (With an assist from Tom E. Morello on the last one)
Anyway, at least that made it a Happy Easter in the end. I think Easter is one of the rare holidays that are actually better as an adult. The stupidity of the Easter Bunny has been discussed ad nauseam over the years, but for me, the worst part was having to go to the mall and sit on his lap. My parents would actually bring me and my sister to the mall to talk to him. What a stupid thing. What kid with the power of speech actually gets a good feeling from this activity? Santa? I can see that. He’s a human being, and he has a beard, and yeah, maybe it’s him. But we’re talking about a guy in a bunny suit. His mouth is a big, black mesh disgrace that looks like a speaker. Talking to him is like ordering from a drive-thru. And what would you possibly say other than “bring me candy”? My last time up, I went for it all. I asked the Easter Bunny for a Sega Genesis, and I actually think he had a stroke. One of his ears went totally limp. It happened. Why would I lie?
The Tooth Fairy was actually more believable to me as a kid. An attractive woman in skimpy clothes, coming into my room to violate me—and I get paid? Why wouldn’t I want to believe that? Unfortunately, turns out my Dad was the force behind that one. Which made for an interesting misunderstanding on my part: one night, I actually woke up, just as the door to my bedroom was being close. I looked under the pillow—boom! There’s a dollar! The Tooth Fairy was still in the building. So I crept to my door, opened it up and heard 220 pounds walking back down the stairs. “Wow,” I thought. “That Tooth Fairy’s a lot of woman!”
I don’t remember how old I was when I found out about the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, but I remember the exact day I found out about old Santa. It was December 15, 1992. That’s right, I held out until age nine. I remember it, because I was home sick with strep throat or something, and my favorite ballplayer at the time, Wade Boggs had that day left the Red Sox to sign with the Yankees. That’s right—it was 10 days to go before Christmas, I had sent my letter, made my list, all that—only to find out it was all a sham. When I said this to my dad—who did the honors—he said, “Well, maybe we just wanted you to behave for a while.” Touché, Dad. Touché. My dad was actually very nice about it all—or, at least tried to be. Being the good dad he is, he actually brought along an Encyclopedia Britannica (remember those?), and opened up to the page on Saint Nicholas, telling me how he had existed at one point, and brought everyone presents. So I wasn’t just told there was no Santa Claus. I was told, “There was a Santa. But he died. Of strep throat. Which he caught from Wade Boggs. Feliz Navidad.”
Anyway, I’ll wrap this up this week with a little something that’s been percolating in my mind for the past few weeks. Every time I take 95 from New Hampshire to Boston, I see a Snickers billboard up that says “Get Dunked on by Patrick Chewing.” Of course, it’s a reference to this commercial:
“Chew” is a funny word, though, because it rhymes with so many things. So I thought I’d take this time, in case anyone from Snickers is reading, to suggest a few new prototypes of my own.
Haven’t showered in a few days? Fall in a dumpster? Wash your clothes in a furnace? Perhaps you…
Feel like being a tragic footnote in rock and roll history? Maybe you…
Feel like being a tragic footnote in rock and roll history? Maybe you…
It’s almost travel season. Maybe you get a lousy travel agent, and wind up…
Ever feel misunderstood by your peers? Perhaps you…
Refuse to see Bird on a Wire? Maybe it’s because…
Edited to add: Sugartits.
Or, the worst one:
There’s a hunger inside me. See ya next week.
Scientists are saying that a possible solar storm in the year 2012 could do the unthinkable: get people to actually tune in to the Weather Channel.
Many royal watchers feel that First Lady Michelle Obama violated the rules of protocol when she touched the queen on her back instead of curtseying when they met for the first time. The furor only grew, however, when the First Lady said goodbye to the Queen with a fist-pound.
It was announced that Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn and Jim Carrey will star in an upcoming Three Stooges film directed by the Farrelly Brothers. Of course, the Stooges were a group of shifty guys out to make a quick buck, only to fumble it all away in the end—or as Bernie Madoff would call them, “visionaries.”
Honda this week unveiled a mind-reading device that is able to translate thought patterns and relay them as commands to a human-shaped robot—a breakthrough that could forever revolutionize the capabilities of love dolls.
Doctors at a Miami hospital say they have discovered a so-called “miracle fruit” that can turn sour tastes into sweet tastes. They say that if you eat the fruit, and then eat barbeque sauce, it will taste like honey. Or, you could just eat honey.
Due to a conflict over offshore tax savings between China and France, French President Nicolas Sarkozy had threatened to give up on the G20 Summit. And if there’s one thing the French take seriously, it’s giving up.
President Obama traveled Europe with an entourage of 500 people. This breaks the old record, held by Oprah.
First Lady Michelle Obama announced plans to build a vegetable garden on the lawn of the White House. This could also explain why Joe Biden was seen walking around dressed as a scarecrow.
A boat captain has produced an amazing video, which shows over 200 killer whales circling in the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. See, that’s when you know the drug wars are getting bad, when even the killer whales are circling.
According to a study, when hamsters were given Viagra to deal with the stress of jet lag, they did 50 percent better with the Viagra. The bad news: they found it more difficult than ever to run on that little wheel.
To celebrate its 25th anniversary, Jeopardy is giving 25 viewers a trip to the Galapagos Islands with show host Alex Trebek, marking the first time that Trebek will travel with viewers. What is a painfully awkward two weeks? (Ding!)
A New York Fox News reporter was arrested this week after he was allegedly driving drunk and hit a NYPD horse. The man was actually relieved when told he’d struck a horse, as he at first thought he had hit Greta Van Susteren.
Fox is creating a new dating show called “More to Love,” which will feature husky guys dating plus-size women. Either way, the show will likely do better than it would have under its original title, “Knockin’ Cankles.”
Dozens of out-of-work New Yorkers participated in the Unemployment Olympics. Because none of its participants have actual careers, the games bore a striking similarity to another event—the actual Olympics.
GROANERS! GROANERS! THE FOLLOWING JOKES—THAT’S RIGHT, JOKES PLURAL—WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
An Orange County woman is accused of stealing another woman’s identity to get a pair of new breasts, and then going on the run. Police were able to catch the woman by setting up a booby trap.
The woman has been charged with one count of identity theft, and two counts of regular titty theft.
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First off, congratulations to the great and awesome Joe Wong, who will be making his television debut on The Late Show with David Letterman!!! Joe is one of the all-time great guys and hilarious comics, and it couldn’t happen for a better guy. As far as I know, the date’s still up in the air, but check out the Comedy Studio message board for further details.
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Now, moving on to another topic…I say this sucks.
Believe me, there is plenty to say here. And I almost did. But when the high road works, why stray from it? My biggest argument is, if you’re a comic and you catch a break in primetime on the Leno show, your friends and family in Boston would right now be left in the dark. It sounds like it won’t be necessary, but if you feel so inclined, join this group (which I didn’t start, but wholeheartedly support).
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Hey, did you see this month’s New Hampshire Magazine? I’m in it, along with Jimmy Dunn and Lauren Verge. Read it HERE. Also, I assure you I did not mean to imply Louis CK was unsophisticated. And since he reads New Hampshire Magazine front to back, I feel that’s important to say.
Great to see so many old friends Friday night at the Ashworth. I showed up to do a guest set, and wound up hosting a cool fundraiser with Jimmy Dunn. I guess because it was so last minute, I didn’t have time to get nervous performing in front of a bunch of my former teachers. I’d forgotten how supportive that crowd can be. Great to see Mr. Muscara, Mr. Croteau (the funniest teacher ever), Mr. Flemming, Mrs. Souney, Mrs. Thompson, Mrs. Waterhouse, the Osbornes, and others I’m sure I’m forgetting.
That’s all he wrote. Take care.
There was a bit of an embarrassing moment on the International Space Station, when one of the Discovery astronauts got confused and accidentally inserted a pin upside down and jammed the platform. When he was asked about it, the astronaut said, “Well, that’s what we get for buying this thing from Ikea.”
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, one of the most deadly spiders in the world was found inside a Whole Foods Grocery Store. Because it was found at a Whole Foods, the spider was described as extremely poisonous and incredibly pretentious.
Simon and Garfunkel announced they are reuniting for a reunion tour in Asia and Australia. Proceeds from the tour will benefit the needy—Garfunkel.
President Bush has reached a $7 million deal to write a memoir on his eight years in office. Bush has reportedly already written 30,000 words—dozens of which can actually be found in a dictionary.
President Bush has reached a $7 million deal to write a memoir on his eight years in the White House. To reflect his approval rating, the pages of the book are actually numbered backwards.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said that President Obama was at best “an ignoramous.” As a result, Chavez has been named the permanent fill-in host for Rush Limbaugh.
While taking questions at a town hall meeting in Los Angeles, President Obama was greeted by one supporter, who said, “You inspire such a passion. How can we best partner with you?” To which President Obama said, “Mr. Mathews, I told you, we’ll discuss this the next time I’m on Hardball.”
A new poll shows that if an election were held today, President Obama would trounce Alaska Governor Sarah Palin by 20 points. However, it should be noted that 15% of those surveyed were moose.
Actress Julianne Moore has reportedly signed on to play Hillary Clinton in an upcoming film about President Clinton and former British Prime Minister Tony Blair. And today, Bill asked how much it would take to get Moore to play Hillary in real life.
Japan ousted the U.S. from the World Baseball Classic in a major upset. Experts are calling this the biggest embarrassment for the U.S. baseball team since—well, the last World Baseball Classic.
In Naples, Italy, thousands of people marched in the streets to protest the mafia. They will be missed.
The number one film at the box office last weekend was the Nicolas Cage movie “Knowing,” in which Cage plays an astrophysics professor who figures out a way to predict monumental catastrophes. Coming in a disappointing third was the new Julia Roberts film “Duplicity”—which, ironically, was one of the catastrophes predicted by the guy in “Knowing.”
One of UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s leading green advisers is saying that Britain must cut its population in half if the country wants to be able to feed itself. As a result, Nadya Suleman has been officially banned from Britain.
One of UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s leading green advisers is saying that Britain must cut its population in half if the country wants to be able to feed itself. He says it needs to get rid of half its people. This could explain Brown’s surprising choice for health minister: Amy Winehouse. Damn it, I just can’t quit her. I’m disqualifying this Jonologue right here.
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Big show in Hampton TOMORROW (WEDNESDAY) APRIL 1ST AT THE OLD SALT!!! PLENTY OF TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE! ! I’m there with John Turco and Steve Scarfo, 7:30PM. Call TODAY and reserve a spot! Great show at a great restaurant, I can’t emphasize fully how much you should go. Seriously, if there’s one comedy show you go to at the Old Salt in Hampton on a Wednesday this year, this is the one. See you there then, see you here next week.
According to a new study, 71 percent of women in college think their dates want them to get really drunk. The other 29 percent are apparently very naïve.
While speaking at New England Law Boston, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg hinted there may soon be an opening on the Supreme Court. And it doesn’t end there; today, the Supreme Court posted an ad seeking resumes on Craigslist.
In Boston, a fistfight broke out in the audience at a debate between Ann Coulter and Bill Maher. Police were afraid this might happen, since it was a debate between one of the most controversial men in the country, and Bill Maher.
Iowa Senator Charles Grassley suggested that AIG executives should take the Japanese approach toward accepting responsibility for the company’s collapse by resigning or killing themselves. I’m no expert, but is it really an either/or? I mean, if you kill yourself, isn’t that pretty much resigning, too? “Today, Bob Walters killed himself. However, he’ll continue to stay on as CEO.” (Applause, applause, applause).
Citigroup Chairman Richard Parsons said that the bank doesn’t need any more injections. Then today, he said the same thing about Nancy Pelosi.
According to the Wall Street Journal, scientists say that sideburns serve as a good alternative for Botox, because they take the focus off the wrinkles in your face. After reading the article, Nancy Pelosi told her hairdresser to give her “the Elvis.”
Respected pastor David Wilkerson predicted an “earth-shattering calamity” centered in New York City that will spread to major urban areas across the country and the world. The good news: the calamity is now doing 150 years in prison.
In court, Bernie Madoff said that after years of lying and bilking people out of their life savings, he always feared this day would come—just apparently, not enough to stop lying and bilking people out of their life savings.
After Madoff said he was sorry, one former investor brushed off the apology, saying “I don’t think he has a sincere bone in his body.” At least, not yet…
A former University of Colorado professor is fighting to get his job back, claiming that he was fired after he compared the victims of 9/11 victim to Nazis, but the school is claiming he was fired because it found examples of plagiarism in several of his essays. When asked for a statement, the man said, “Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth…”
Curators at the National Museum of American History found a hidden message engraved inside Abraham Lincoln’s pocket watch. The message: “No fat chicks.”
Scientists have found the fossils of a prehistoric sea monster that weighed 45 metric tons, and had a 33,000 pounds per square inch bite force. These break the old records set by Rush Limbaugh.
A Johns Hopkins and Dartmouth-trained physician is saying that those who drink alcohol on a daily basis actually live longer. When asked how he arrived at the conclusion, the doctor said “Two words: Keith Richards.”
The father of Bristol Palin’s baby, Levi Johnston broke up with her, and broke off their engagement. Today, Governor Sarah Palin spent the afternoon making room on her wall for another mounted head.
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney said Americans are less safe now than they were when he was in office. Then he said, “Speaking of which, huntin’ time!”
At an event at Union Station lauding recent train station and passenger rail investments, Joe Biden was caught on mic using the F-word. The good news: this is actually the least embarrassing thing Biden has said so far.
In New York, a riot broke out at an audition for America’s Next Top Model, causing hundreds of models to rush out on the street and trample each other. Apparently, the commotion began when someone inside yelled out something alarming, like “FOOD!”
An American Idol staffer told friends the show’s producers have already picked this season’s final four contestants. Apparently, American Idol is now using the same business model as the NBA.
Nobel Prize-winner Professor Robert Mundell has backed the idea of instituting a world currency. This would eliminate a number of problems for Americans, such as converting our zero dollars into zero Euros.
GROANERS! GROANERS! THE FOLLOWING JOKES—THAT’S RIGHT, JOKES PLURAL—WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
The economy’s hitting everyone. Today, Hootie got rid of the Blowfish, replaced them with the singing fish from the McDonald’s ad!
Everyone’s making cutbacks. Watchmen—now Sundial Men!
People are desperate. Today, I saw Chris Brown beating up a Coinstar machine!
It’s hitting everyone. Today, I saw the Verizon Guy calling collect on a payphone!
People are real desperate. Today, I saw Chris Brown and the Coinstar machine reconciling!
That’s enough! That’s enough! Somebody pull the lever!!!
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Phew! Boy, that escalated quickly! I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
How do? I’m okay. First, let me mention some standup stuff (yep, I’m still one of those!). If you’re in the NH area Friday night, come see me, along with the incredibly funny Patty Ross, Mike McDonald, and Dave Rattigan. Tickets are available HERE.
If you’re down on the old Cape this Saturday, come see me and some other people I’m sure are great at The Cape Codder in (or is it “on?”) Hyannis. Info for that available HERE.
But here’s another…know how some of you are always asking “When are you gonna do a show in Hampton?” Here’s the answer: Wednesday April 1, at the Old Salt. April Fools Day Show, get it? For more info, go HERE.
And congratulations to Curt Schilling on a great career, and, since I’m sure he’s reading this, thanks once again for truly gutting it out in 2004. As I’ve said to anyone who’ll listen, 2004-05 will always go down as one of the greatest, most enjoyable times of my life—and probably, was for many people in the region—and I truly believe the 0-3 comeback was one of the true catalysts. And I found it especially compelling that he actually announced the retirement on his blog. An interesting concept.
Also, I’ve added another “thought at 26” or two to last week’s blog that I found in my pocket, so rather than actually think up enough thoughts for another thoughts thing, they’re there now. That’s all I’ve got to say, see ya next week.