THE BEST 50 JOKES OF 2008!!!

 

POLITICS

 

Over the weekend, John McCain questioned Barack Obama’s radical ties. Obama responded by questioning McCain’s bitchin’ suspenders. (5/8)

 

The Washington Times had an article talking about John McCain being superstitious. With him, McCain carries a lucky penny, nickel, and quarter, as well as a lucky feather—or as Ralph Nader would call them, “campaign funds.” (5/8)

 

Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones have created a website on which they share lurid details of their sexual encounters with President Clinton.  So far, the site has over a million hits—all from President Clinton. (6/10)

 

As part of their plan to assassinate Barack Obama, two white supremacists planned to dress in all white tuxedos and top hats during the attempt.  The men have been charged with conspiracy to murder and attempted puttin’ on of the Ritz. (11/4)

 

The makers of Cabbage Patch Kids have unveiled a new Sarah Palin doll.  She’s said to be hollow and wide-eyed—just like the doll. (11/4)

 

Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted the position of Secretary of State.  Hillary celebrated with a bottle of Chablis, while Bill celebrated with his intern, Chablis. (11/18)

 

In his first public speaking engagement since admitting to an extramarital affair, John Edwards told students at Indiana University his favorite superhero is Superman.  Edwards said, “Anybody who has nice hair and two lives is my kind of guy.” (11/18)

 

Congress is reportedly considering a potential bailout plan for the ailing U.S. automakers.  The deal would be worth $25 billion—20, once it’s off the lot. (11/25)

 

The Democrats voted to allow Joe Lieberman to keep his chairmanship of the Senate Homeland Security Committee despite his support for John McCain.  The one condition is that at all times, Lieberman must stand next to someone who’s wearing an “I’m with Stupid” shirt. (11/25)

 

In a recent interview, President Bush said he was “unprepared for war.”  However, Bush said he was fully prepared to make massive understatements. (12/2)

 

Politico.com reports that despite promising his daughters a new pet, Barack Obama said he doesn’t want a “girly dog” in the White House.  Ironically, this was also the line he used to talk people out of voting for Hillary. (12/2)

 

On Friday, President Bush was on hand when the National Portrait Gallery unveiled his official portrait.  However, there was one awkward moment when Bush started waving at the painting and said, “Hey, what’s wrong with this mirror?” (12/24)

 

NATION

 

A new study shows that in the U.S., one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. To which R. Kelly said, “You’re welcome.” (6/10)

 

After complaints from women’s rights groups, the city of Atlanta is removing all “Men at Work” signs from its roads.  However, all “Duran Duran” signs will remain in place. (7/22)

 

The Sierra Nevada Corporation claims it’s ready to start selling a ray gun that actually makes people hear voices in their head.  They say this would allow everyday people to experience what it’s like to be Paula Abdul. (7/22)

 

In New York City, a man is accused of ripping 87 parking meters from the ground and pocketing over $6,000 in quarters.  Neighbors first became suspicious when they noticed the man doing an extremely high amount of laundry. (9-7)

 

Police in Florida shut down a major highway for six hours after a tractor-trailer overturned, spilling 3.5 million nickels all over the road.  Said the driver, “If I had a nickel for every nickel I just spilled, I’d have 3.5 million more nickels.” (9/23)

 

According to new research, what people smell before they go to sleep can affect if they have negative or positive dreams.  As a result, New Jersey has changed its nickname to “The Nightmare State.” (9/30)

 

An actress from a touring company of “Peter Pan”  is suing the production company, alleging she was fired because she complained about the actor who played Captain Hook  slapping her rear-end and saying “Nice Ass.”  The worst part: he did it with the hook hand. (12/19)

 

A pair of thieves in Michigan stole a tractor trailer that contained over 1,400 pairs of shoes.  As a result, President Bush has been moved to an undisclosed location. (12/19)

 

WORLD

 

The city of Rome has passed a new law that prohibits people from snaking near monuments.  To which Kirstie Alley said, “What about snacking on monuments?” (7/22)

 

The Vatican said that candidates for the Catholic priesthood should undergo psychological test to screen out heterosexuals unable to control their sexual urges and those with strong homosexual tendencies—or, as they’re more commonly known, “people.” (11/4)

 

The word “meh” has been added to Collins English Dictionary.  When asked about it, English teachers said, “Hmph!” (11/18)

 

The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that obese passengers are entitled to a free extra seat when flying on Air Canada or WestJet.  When he heard the news, a spokesman for obese people said, “Uh, does this mean we get an extra meal?” (11/25)

 

In Amsterdam, officials announced plans to close the city’s brothels, sex shops and marijuana cafes.  As a result, the unemployment rate in Amsterdam is now 100%.

 (12/9)

 

In Hong Kong, a giant panda named Peace bit a park keeper’s left leg while he was laying bamboo leaves in the animal’s pen.  Park officials called this the most ironic incident since a panda named Violence treated everyone respectfully. (12/16)

 

 

SPORTS

 

After winning the championship, the Celtics had a big parade through the middle of the city. But because gas prices are so high, the Duck Boats were pushed by members of the Bruins. (6/25)

 

There are now allegations that Roger Clemens used Viagra as a performance enhancing drug for baseball! I guess what gave him away was the fact that every time he went up to hit, he never brought a bat. (6/25)

 

The Boston Red Sox traded slugger Manny Ramirez to the Dodgers.  And LA fans are just ecstatic; in fact tonight, some showed up as early as the third inning. (8/5)

 

President Bush took time to meet with the United States fencing team.  However, things grew awkward when he asked how things were coming at the Mexican border. (8/12)

 

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has announced plans to write a book.  In related news, Chinese gymnast He Kexin announced plans to color one. (8-26)

 

Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has reportedly agreed to a plea bargain deal that would get him out of jail early.  When asked about it, Vick said, “Hey, every dog has his day.” (12/2)

 

Two cricket players, who had not picked up a baseball until April, were recently signed by the Pittsburgh Pirates after winning a baseball reality show in India.  The guys had hoped planned to join the Mets’ bullpen, but were told they were overqualified.        (12/2)

 

 

ENTERTAINMENT

 

The CEO of Warner Bros. has written a letter to fans, apologizing for the postponement of the latest Harry Potter film.  However, Horn only made things worse when he began the letter “Dear Nerds.” (8-26)

 

Lance Bass said this week that “the odds are good” for an ‘N Sync reunion.  Bass said the reunion will happen when he and the other three guys buy tickets to see Justin Timberlake. (9/14)

 

The Elvis is Alive Museum was recently put up for sale on eBay.  Ironically, it was purchased by Jimmy Hoffa. (9/30)

 

AC/DC released their first album in eight years through an exclusive agreement with Wal-Mart.  The band hopes the move may finally make them popular with the illusive white trash demographic. (11/4)

 

Oprah Winfrey announced this week that she will take her show to Washington DC for Inauguration week.  Oprah said, “I feel this is an excellent opportunity for viewers to see the leader of the free world take her show to the Inauguration.” (12/9)

 

On a tape played at his false imprisonment trail in London, Boy George admitted that he restrained a male prostitute whom he thought had hacked into his computer, but he denies whipping the man.  George said, “Call me old-fashioned, but I think whipping is more of a second or third false imprisonment thing.” (12/9)

 

Amy Winehouse was recently photographed topless on the beach in the middle of the day.  Hey, at least she was up. (12/24)

 

 

TEN MOST POPULAR

 

Dunkin Donuts announced it will stop serving anything with trans fats.  As a result, they’ve changed their name to Dunkin Napkins. (7/29)

 

In a recent interview, John McCain called Teddy Roosevelt his favorite conservative idol.  He also called him his favorite college roommate. (7/22)

 

Joe Biden made a a gaffe when he spoke about President Roosevelt going on television after the stock market crash in 1929, despite the fact that Roosevelt was not yet president and television had not been invented.  When asked about the remarks, Biden said he was more embarrassed than President Lincoln when he lost his iPhone at Wal-Mart. (9/30)

 

At her wedding, First Daughter Jenna Bush selected “You Are So Beautiful” for her dance with her father. And for her dance with Dick Cheney, Jenna selected “Runnin’ With the Devil.” (5/15)

 

Sarah Palin spent Monday in Georgia, campaigning for Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss in his runoff election.  After hearing the news, Chambliss’ opponent said, “This could be the break I’ve been waiting for.” (12/2)

 

A 54-year-old Wisconsin man recently ate his 23,000th Big Mac.  He will be missed. (9/14)

 

Because of a pay dispute, a massive riot broke out among workers at a factory in China.  Afterwards, witnesses said they’d never seen so many fighting toddlers. (12/2)

 

Actress Minnie Driver gave birth to a baby boy, but won’t reveal who the father is.  To which John Edwards said, “I owe you one.” (9/14)

 

Over 300 were killed in a shooting rampage in India.  No wonder I couldn’t get tech support! (12/2)

 

 

 

 

AND…THE JOKE THAT (believe it or not) PEOPLE SEEMED TO LIKE THE MOST… 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 Police in Los Angeles were investigating allegations that somebody drugged Britney Spears.  So far, they’ve narrowed it down to one suspect: Britney Spears. (6/10)