August 17th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

MTV is leaving its studio in Times Square at the end of the year because the rent is too expensive. Fittingly, they’ll be moving in with my parents.

 

President Obama attended a town hall meeting in New Hampshire to discuss his health care proposal. While there, his Secret Service codename was The Black Guy.

 

At the meeting in Portsmouth, President Obama said that “health insurance will be there for you when it counts, not just when you’re paying premiums.” And here’s the impressive part: he almost got through it without laughing.

 

During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire, President Obama mistakenly said two times that the AARP supports his health care plan – but the organization has not endorsed any plan yet. This could explain his new Secret Service codename: Joe Biden.

 

An 11-year-old student interviewed President Obama in the Oval office last week. He previously interviewed Joe Biden. And here’s the amazing part: at the beginning of the Biden interview, he was only eight.

 

An 11-year-old student interviewed President Obama in the Oval office yesterday.  In his final question, the boy asked Obama, “When I interviewed Vice President Joe Biden, he became my homeboy. Would you like to become my homeboy?” To which Obama said, “Well, if Biden’s one of your homeboys…then no, not really.”

 

John Mackey, the CEO of Whole Foods, said this week that eating “whole foods” is a better alternative to President Obama’s health care plan. Ironically, a trip to Whole Foods costs about the same amount of money.

 

John Edwards finally admitted he was the father of his mistress’ baby, after originally denying it, telling ABC news: “Absolutely not true.” When asked about it today, Edwards said, “Uh…Opposite Day?”

 

Dick Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of the administration.  This could explain why Bush didn’t shoot anyone in the face.

 

Sarah Palin posted on her Facebook page that President Obama’s health care plan would create “death panels” to evaluate the health of “unproductive” members of society. Not only that—she also became a fan of glasses.

 

Happy Birthday to Fidel Castro, who turned 83. To mark the occasion, his buddies got him a box of American cigars.

 

One day after GM’s claim that its new electric car – the Chevy Volt – would get 230 miles per gallon, Nissan announced that its electric car – the Leaf – can achieve 367 miles per gallon. To which GM said, “Oh yeah?  Well…ours turns into a robot…”

 

Nissan announced on its Twitter feed that its electric car, the Leaf, gets “367 mpg, no tailpipe, and no gas required.  Oh yeah, and it’ll be affordable too.” GM said they’d tweet about their new electric car…except they can’t afford internet.

 

The wife of Twitter’s CEO posted updates on Twitter while she gave birth, saying “Dear Twitter, My water broke,” and “Epidural, yes please.” In related news, her baby posted updates saying “Don’t cut that!” and “Why’s this guy slapping my ass?”

 

FOX will air a two-hour special on Nadya Suleman called “Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage” on August 19. It focuses on the struggles, complications and burdens of a mother raising a bunch of kids all by herself—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 I’m thinking of.

 

In an interview with the “Today” show yesterday, Kate Gosselin said that she still wears her wedding ring for the sake of her eight children. In a separate interview, Jon Gosselin said he still wears his wedding ring because “It’s a chick magnet!!”

 

Heidi Montag says she plans to get more plastic surgery done in the future, possibly bigger breasts for her husband, Spencer Pratt. I don’t know about you, but I think Spencer’s breasts are fine just the way they are.

 

Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, posted on her blog that she is having a baby boy, due on Christmas Day. I don’t want to say Hugh might be the father, but in the sonogram, the baby’s wearing a smoking jacket.

 

In a new interview with “Details” magazine, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady calls his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen, a “girl version” of himself—which is ironic, because that’s how we New England fans describe Peyton Manning.

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KAAAAAAA-POW!!!

 

Tim McGraw and the Black Eyed Peas will perform at the NFL’s season opener between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Tennessee Titans. Good, because whenever I hear “My Humps,” I think, “This would sound so much better with Tim McGraw!”

 

Michael Vick signed a two-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles – three weeks after he was reinstated by the NFL. Well, like I always say—every dog has his day.

 

After he was signed, Vick couldn’t wait to get out on the practice field.  He said he was chomping at the bit.

 

Vick can start practices immediately, but will not be able to play until Week 6 of the NFL season. Until then, they’re just going to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

However, PETA plans to really hound him.

 

There was even a rumor Vick could switch to a position other than quarterback while he gets back into shape.  I don’t know, it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

 

The Olympic Committee voted to add golf to the 2016 Olympic Games.  They say it’ll give golfers from every nation the chance to lose to Tiger Woods

 

NBC just signed a new deal to air more live gymnastics events through 2012. Even more amazing is that all the Chinese gymnasts who will be competing that year haven’t even been born yet.

Chicago Blackhawks player Patrick Kane and his cousin have been charged with assaulting and robbing a cab driver In Buffalo, New York after the driver didn’t have 20 cents for change. If convicted, Kane could face up to four minutes in the penalty box.  Oh jeez…here it comes…
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NASA is planning to use $50 million of federal stimulus money to develop a commercial passenger service to space. Not to be outdone, Southwest announced they were offering flights to Jupiter starting at 20 bucks.

 

A website in Australia is letting users send text messages to the planet Gliese 581d – which is the nearest Earth-like planet outside the solar system.  The messages will take 20 years to be delivered—since the planet uses AOL.

 

A Japanese man pressed the emergency stop button on a commuter train because he needed an excuse for being late to work. The bad news is the man was arrested; the good news—he got that excuse.

 

In Florida, an 87-year-old woman killed a rattlesnake with her bare hands after it bit her. I’m not all that surprised—I mean, have you seen Madonna’s arm’s lately?

 

A recent study by Broadcasting & Cable found that DVR users fast forward through Paula Abdul’s comments more than any other judge on American Idol.  And here’s the amazing part: when you hit fast-forward, Paula’s actually easier to understand.

 

Steven Tyler is finally talking about his fall from the stage during an Aerosmith concert last week, saying “I zigged when I should have zagged.” So apparently, he has a concussion.

 

Nobody was injured when a man with a machete burst into a church in Brooklyn and shouted “I got something to say.” However, everyone was annoyed when he forgot what it was.

 

A grandmother in England lost a $3,000 antique diamond ring when it was swallowed by a piglet. The good news: if she’s patient, she’ll get it back.

 

A new study from the University of Massachusetts finds that, when we talk to strangers, we lie about four times every 10 minutes. Nah, it’s actually three times every 10 minutes. See? There’s one right there.

 

A Russian woman was arrested after she threw a ceramic coffee cup at the Mona Lisa in Paris. Fortunately for her, the victim refused to testify.

 

A Muslim woman in Paris went to a public pool wearing a “Burquini,” which covers the person from head-to-toe. Because if there’s one way to really smight Allah, it’s tan lines.

 

Rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot turned 46 last week. I still gotta get him a gift…Anyone know what he likes?

 

And finally…

 

Facebook is testing a new service called Facebook Lite for countries with limited Internet connections. It’s basically a stripped-down version of Facebook with fewer features and capabilities—or as we call it in America, “Myspace.”

 

Fin

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Two REALLY BIG shows this weekend, folks, and I hope to see you at one or both of them.  I’ll be opening for JUSTON MCKINNEY at Mottley’s Comedy Club at Faneuil Hall in Boston on Friday and Saturday, which each show starting at 8 pm.  Juston McKinney is a national headliner, has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno twice, did a Comedy Central Presents and is getting ready to shoot another special this fall.  Local guy (Portsmouth/Kittery), very funny, and you should definitely come.  And the good news is that I’ll be doing at least 20 before he closes, so you’ll get to see (close to, but not quite) the kitchen sink at a good price with no drink minimums or any of that.  Tickets are available HERE.

 

The blog is going on a two-week hiatus, but I should see you back on September 7.  Stay tuned.


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