August 10th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

According to a new survey by the Daily News, eight out of ten women said they feel guilty after shopping. Meanwhile, the other two were honest.

 

The Yankees swept the Red Sox in a four-game series at the new Yankee Stadium.  Today, David Ortiz tested positive for disappointment.

 

Two American journalists were reunited with their families on American soil after former President Bill Clinton successfully negotiated their release from North Korea.  The women said they were humiliated, degraded, forced to do unspeakable things—and that was just on the plane with Clinton.

 

The North Korean State Media is reporting that President Clinton apologized for the journalists’ behavior, but now Clinton denies ever making an apology.  And I believe him; after all, when Bill Clinton denies something, you can take it to the bank.

 

Kim Jong-il was initially offered a photo-op with Al Gore in exchange for the release of the two American journalists, but refused.  When asked why, Kim Jong-Il Said, “A conversation with him is torture even by our standards.”

 

President Obama will travel to the Grand Canyon next week. He’s planning on bringing Joe Biden and no witnesses.

 

The Obama family will visit several national parks next week during a “fee-free” weekend.  That’s when you can tell the economy is bad—when even the President’s freeloading. 

John McCain announced he would vote against the appointment of Sonia Sotomayor, saying that while she has an interesting backstory, she doesn’t have the proper qualifications.  Gee, who would ever pick a woman like that for something, John McCain?

 

Sonia Sotomayor watched her confirmation vote at a federal courthouse in New York City with friends and colleagues. Her publicist released this photo:

 

 

 

47 Continental Airlines passengers were kept on the runway in Rochester, Minnesota for nine hours Friday night because of thunderstorms. Couples took turns joining the Still-on-the-Runway Club. 

 

“G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” and “Julie & Julia” went head-to-head this weekend at the box office. This could explain the scene where Julia makes quiche with Sgt. Slaughter.

47 Continental Airlines passengers were kept on the runway in Rochester, Minnesota for nine hours Friday night because of thunderstorms. Couples took turns joining the Still-on-the-Runway Club. 

 

“G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” and “Julie & Julia” went head-to-head this weekend at the box office. This could explain the scene where Julia makes quiche with Sgt. Slaughter.

 

The 22nd Annual Shark Week broadcast just wrapped up on the Discovery Channel.  This year’s focus was shark attacks. As opposed to last year’s, which was shark good deeds.

 

Bob Dylan will release a new album of Christmas songs this fall.  And you thought Alvin and the Chipmunks were hard to understand.

 

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler fell off the stage while singing “Love in an Elevator” at a concert in South Dakota. Witnesses said he was lovin’ it up, then he hit the ground.

APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE

 

Heidi Montag of “The Hills” is on the cover of September’s Playboy Magazine. Meanwhile, Spencer Pratt is on the cover of September’s Douche Illustrated.

 

Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis tested positive for elevated testosterone levels and was suspended by the NBA for 10 games. Officials became suspicious when he led the NBA in home runs.

 

A court in New York has ruled that Ruth Madoff must clear all spending of $100 or more with the trustees handling her husband’s assets.  In related news, her husband must clear all spending of five cigarettes or more with the trustees handling his assets.

 

Or…

 

A court in New York has ruled that Ruth Madoff must clear all spending of $100 or more with the trustees handling her husband’s assets.  That’s odd—I thought the only one handling his assets was his cellmate.

 

A woman in Alaska was sentenced to 20 days in jail for letting her 7-year-old son drive while she was passed out drunk in the passenger seat. Man, it’s a good thing she’s not governor anymore.

 

Speaking of sharks, in Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5th Avenue, after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

 

 

A Spanish toymaker has developed a new breastfeeding doll for young girls. And you thought it was embarrassing when your son wanted to play with a Barbie.

 

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression. 

his could explain why today, Dora the Explorer asked viewers to help her find a really tall bridge.

A Spanish toymaker has developed a new breastfeeding doll for young girls. And you thought it was embarrassing when your son wanted to play with a Barbie.

 

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression.  This could explain why today, Dora the Explorer asked viewers to help her find a really tall bridge.

 

Scientists at Northwestern University have found that people who are most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation. When asked to explain their findings, the scientists said “Priests.”

 

New figures show that dentists in England and Wales earn an average of $151,000 each year—clearly doing something other than dentistry.

 

Researchers from the National Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio found that cheerleading causes the most serious sports injuries among high school and college athletes. But most of those are just male cheerleaders who get their asses kicked.

 

A Staten Island woman successfully sued Little League Baseball for $125,000 for not teaching her son how to properly slide, after the boy hurt his knee while attempting to slide into second base.  The woman knew there could be trouble when she met his coach—Stumpy McGee.

 

Police in Wyoming tasered a 76-year-old man for driving an antique tractor in a parade. Good luck with that beer summit.

 

Adam Lambert revealed that his fans have started throwing sex toys – such as leather whips and glow-in-the-dark handcuffs – on stage while he sings during the American Idol summer tour. And I guess the ladies throw a lot of stuff, too.

 

It was last week in 1892 that Andrew and Abby Borden were axed to death in their Massachusetts home, with their daughter Lizzie charged with their deaths. She was acquitted of the murders, but would later be sent to prison after she tried to steal back some sports memorabilia in Vegas.

 

The Nevada Supreme Court is considering letting O.J. Simpson out of prison while it reviews his conviction for kidnapping and armed robbery.  Apparently, police have been complaining about being really bored.

 

THIS IS THE WORST GROANER OF ALL TIME.  IT IS BY FAR THE WORST JOKE EVER PRINTED ON THIS SITE, AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE IT MAKES SENSE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED…

 

Anna Paquin is engaged to Stephen Moyer – her co-star on HBO’s “True Blood,” a show about vampires. If you want to buy them a present, they’re registered at Bed, Bats and Beyond.

 

And finally…

 

A man in Kenya offered Hillary Clinton 20 cows for her daughter Chelsea’s hand in marriage. Right idea, wrong Clinton.  

 

That’s three—three—Clinton jokes.  That’ll teach him to go save people’s lives!

 

Fin

*          *          *          *          *

 

Here’s what I gots to say: I’m in Sebago Lake, Maine TONIGHT opening for the one and only TONY V at Point Sebago.  So if by some stroke of luck you’re there, come.

 

Also, I will be at Mottley’s Comedy Club NEXT weekend, opening for the one and only JUSTON MCKINNEY on both Friday and Saturday nights.  The shows are at 8, and tickets can be purchased HERE.

 

Have a good one!


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