August 3rd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Happy Birthday to President Obama.  Tomorrow he turns 48—wait, I’m sorry, that’s his approval rating.

 

President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%. President Bush said it looks like he’s finally getting the hang of things.

 

Barack Obama’s physician reports the president is in great shape, saying “The guy is built like a rock, he could probably bench-press me.” Then he said the same thing about Michelle Obama.

 

President Obama drank beer with Sergeant James Crowley and Professor Henry Louis Gates at the White House. There was actually an awkward moment when one of them asked for something stiffer, and Nancy Pelosi showed up.

 

Gates said he and Sergeant James Crowley may go to a Boston Red Sox or Celtics game together. Sergeant Crowley had originally suggested a Bruins game, to which Gates said, “You’re kidding, right?”

 

President Obama’s Cabinet gathered this weekend for a retreat at Blair House to mark the administration’s sixth month in office. The whole thing is being paid for by money they still owe the IRS.

 

It was revealed the White House makes visiting politicians pay for their own lunches. They made the rule after a surprise visit from Al Gore.

 

Sarah Palin’s lawyer threatened to serve libel papers to a kindergarten teacher in Alaska for posting on her blog that she and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. If true, this would’ve been the second thing this summer Palin quit right in the middle of.

 

It’s rumored that Sarah Palin will get her own radio talk show next year. And here’s the weird part: her sidekick will be Baba Booey.

 

Senator John McCain has 1.1 million followers on Twitter. But in fairness, most of them are just following him to make sure he doesn’t wander off.

 

A presidential panel voted on Wednesday to allow private firms to operate commercial flights to the International Space Station. And you thought your Southwest flight to Vegas was rough.

 

Howard Dean guest hosted “Countdown” last week while Keith Olbermann was on vacation. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich just did a guest spot on Little People, Big World.

 

Washington, D.C. newspaper “The Hill” released its list of the 50 most beautiful people on Capitol Hill, with Representative Martin Heinrich of New Mexico comes in at number 1.  Better luck next time, Henry Waxman.

 

The Senate Finance Committee has discussed imposing a 10 percent tax on unnecessary cosmetic surgery – including hair transplants and Botox injections. Today, Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi discussed a 100% beatdown on the Senate Finance Committee.

 

California signed an $85 million budget on Tuesday which contains cuts to child welfare programs, health care for the poor and AIDS prevention efforts. Rush Limbaugh said it’s moments like this that make him proud to be an American.

 

It was on Thursday in 1956 the phrase “In God We Trust” was adopted as the U.S. national motto.  Up ‘til then, everybody thought God was a real poser.

 

The British Army is warning that many of its soldiers have become so fat that they couldn’t be deployed to conflict zones. To which the soldiers said, “Exactly.”

 

A new study finds that the rate of childhood obesity in the United States has tripled since 1984.  In fact if they were around today, The Fat Boys would just be known as The Boys.

 

New research finds that juices, tea and energy drinks can erode, shrink and stain teeth. The researchers arrived at their conclusion by reading the ingredients.

 

A man in Albuquerque, New Mexico has developed a device that converts Mountain Dew into fuel for car engines. The only downside to using Mountain Dew is that it supposedly lowers your car’s sperm count.

 

A man in Florida was arrested after he tried to get money from his roommate by attacking him with a wooden carving and a coconut. Apparently, he had been taking fighting lessons from Gilligan.

 

Wendy Maguire, a single mother, who’s also the mother of Tobey Maguire, will star in new reality show about Hollywood.  It’ll be like Denise Richards’ show, except it won’t make God cry.

 

Penn State was rated the number 1 party school of 2009 by Princeton Review.  University of Florida was #2.  Coming in a surprising third: Devry Institute Online.

 

1-800-Flowers.com will open a retail store on Facebook – the company already has applications on Blackberry and the iPhone. The company says this is all part of its plan to make sending flowers to someone even more impersonal.

 

A new study finds that divorce can hurt a person’s health, due to loss of sleep, stress, and lack of exercise. To which John Gosselin said, “I’ll take my chances.”

 

Kid Rock said in a Rolling Stone interview that “Twitter is gay” and that if anything relevant he has to say he will “bottle it up and then squeeze it onto a record somewhere.” So if you buy one of Kid Rock’s records, you may want to get it sterilized.

 

Due to positive feedback from listeners, Whitney Houston will move up the date of her comeback album “I Look to You” from September 1 to August 31. They’re moving it up a whole day.  This is great news if you’re a Whitney Houston fan—and a moth.

 

Shaquille O’Neal revealed on his Twitter page that he was denied entry to the White House on Monday after he walked up to the front gate, asking if he could see President Obama. Also, it probably didn’t help that he was dressed as Kazam the Rapping Genie.

 

A trapper in Florida caught a 14-foot python snake in a drainage pipe near a day care center. In related news, the daycare center can probably call off the search for little Jonathan.

 

A teenager in England tracked down a gang that stole his iPhone by using “Find My iPhone” app on the new 3GS version, which allows users to track down their phones if they are lost or stolen. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop him from being ambushed when he burst into their lair with his laptop and yelled “Aha!”

 

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

A man in Illinois is accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses because he enjoys being around eyewear. However, the guy says he’s been framed.

 

And finally…

 

A new survey from Wharton and Northwestern finds that big spenders tend to marry big savers. So I guess Michelle Obama is a big saver.

Fin

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