July 28th, 2009 at 12:59 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

THE JONOLOGUE

 

A Southwest Airlines flight on its way to Orlando made an emergency landing in Long Island after a flight attendant smelled smoke in the cabin – but it turns out there was no smoke or fire and the plane landed for nothing. Hey flight attendant—wanna get away?

 

President Obama’s primetime press conference marked his sixth month in office.  That’s good news for Obama, because he’s finally eligible for dental and paid vacation days.

 

During his interview on “The View” Tuesday, David Hasslehoff said that President Obama is “doing a great job, but he needs to be a little more entertaining.” Obama said he values Hasselhoff’s opinion, but still wants to hear Eric Estrada’s take.

 

This August, President Obama will rent Blue Heron Farm, a 28.5 acre vacation spot on Martha’s Vineyard. It has three separate residences, a swimming pool, a driving range, a small basketball court, and—most importantly—no bowling alley.

 

President Obama called on bloggers Monday to keep pressure on Congress about passing the healthcare reform bill. Because if there’s anyone who can jumpstart healthcare, it’s Perez Hilton.

 

Joe Biden wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Sunday New York Times defending the use of the $787 billion in President Obama’s economic Recovery Act. The piece was 800-words—or as Biden put it, “A short blurb.”

 

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd packed up their possessions at the Governor’s mansion in Juneau, Alaska before she officially resigned. They divided everything into two categories: air rifles and moose heads.

 

During her annual picnic in Wasilla on Friday, Sarah Palin told her guests to “never apologize for being Americans.” Then she let out a belch and crushed a beer can on her head.

 

Robert Buck–Times Square’s “Naked Cowboy”–announced his run for New York City Mayor. I think we can rule out at least one campaign question: “Boxers or briefs?”

 

Prison inmates in New York City are suing the Department of Corrections for isolating them for up to 23 hours a day in their cells. Man, I hope this doesn’t give prison a bad name.

 

Three mayors in New Jersey were arrested along with several rabbis and state lawmakers for laundering millions of dollars through Jewish charities. If convicted, they could face the stiffest of penalties: being forced to remain in New Jersey.

 

The U.S. Government bought 195 million doses of the swine flu vaccine, preparing for a massive outbreak in the fall. So we better get sick, or else they’ll really look silly.

 

Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall, where people can leave their prayers, now has its own Twitter page where people can tweet prayers that will be printed out and taken to the wall. It’s described as perfect for people who are religious and lazy about it.

 

Director Sam Raimi has been tapped to direct the “World of Warcraft” movie based on the popular online game. Raimi says he hopes the movie does the impossible: make the Harry Potter crowd look tough.

 

Scenes from next year’s “Iron Man 2” and the “Twilight” sequel were screened at Comic-Con. However, all sex scenes were cut, since they would just confuse everybody.

 

A producer on the CW’s “One Tree Hill” is hoping to turn the 2004 movie “The Notebook” into a Broadway musical—or as men are calling it, “a perfect storm of agony.”

 

Scientists have found new evidence suggesting that a modern human stabbed and killed a Neanderthal man 75,000 years ago. To which O.J. said, “Man, that Real Killer really got around!”

 

Scientists at NASA found evidence that a possible comet the size of Earth hit Jupiter last week. However, Jupiter’s still telling friends it walked into a door.

 

Scientists are saying that it takes children an average of 26 minutes to fall asleep. Which is actually pretty good—when you consider there was a guy in a lab coat there watching them.

 

A new survey among British men says proposing marriage is nearly as scary as swimming with sharks. But neither is as scary as proposing to a shark.

 

77 of Texas’s 254 counties are in severe drought, and officials are asking residents to stop using unnecessary water. So it looks like President Bush will have to find another place to use his Slip ‘n Slide.

 

A high school principal in West Virginia was fired for jumping on top of a pile of students during a cafeteria food fight. He didn’t’ do himself any favors when he yelled “Pig pile!”

 

Fox News reports that Osama bin Laden has as many as 45 kids. As a result, he’s been named an honorary Knick.

 

Michael Vick was released from federal custody, making him eligible to lobby for a return to football. However, experts say Vick has a long way to go before he’s out of the commissioner’s doghouse.

 

Samantha Ronson threw a bag of ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan’s clothing into the street after they got into a fight. That sounds mean, until you realize that’s now where Lindsay’s living.

 

A man in Ohio was arrested for making terrorist threats when he yelled at a telemarketer offering to extend his auto-service contract. Ironically, he was arrested just as he was sitting down to dinner.

 

Apple has approved an iPhone app that helps users find the nearest pot dealer. In fact, they’re going to introduce a follow-up app that helps find the nearest Pop Tarts and Doritos.

 

Justin Timberlake opened his $16 million, environmentally friendly golf course – Mirimichi – on Saturday near Memphis, Tennessee. In related news, JC Chasez spent the day at another golf course, fixing the windmill.

 

Gidget, the dog actor who portrayed the Taco Bell Chihuahua, died at the age of 15. The Geico Gecko gave his eulogy.

 

A woman in Arizona claims a hot penny on her car seat gave her third degree burns on her behind. On the bright side, she wound up with a free tattoo of Abraham Lincoln.

 

Game show host Alex Trebek turned 69 last week. His wife gave him the “yearly double.”

 

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

The FBI has arrested a man from Georgia labeled as the “limping bandit” – because he robbed 23 banks and limped as he walked away. Cops say the guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

 

And finally…

 

North Korea opened its first fast-food restaurant in Pyongyang.  Here’s a tip: the hot dogs—are just that.

Fin

*          *          *          *          *

 

In Los Angeles?  So am I.  Tonight, I’ll be at the Westside Eclectic Theater at 10 PM at Who’s Available Tuesday Nights.  It’s funny: today was a Tuesday, and I was available, so it’s like fate.  More info HERE.  S’all for now, see ya’ll in the nextin’ week.  Nope, that’s not a thing, my bad.  Next week, I mean.

 

 

 

 


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