July 20th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

THE JONOLOGUE

 

40 Years ago today, man landed on the moon. Neil Armstrong was the first to walk on the surface—which made it really awkward, when Buzz Aldrin stepped in gum.

 

Buzz Aldrin joined Neil Armstrong on the moon’s surface. Aldrin said he hadn’t planned on being an astronaut—but his name was Buzz Aldrin.

 

Michael Collins piloted the module - but only orbited the moon. Apparently, he couldn’t find a place to park.

 

After the two planted a U.S. flag on the lunar surface, they spoke with President Nixon. Nixon called it “the most historic phone call ever made…..” And he should know; he eavesdropped on just about all of them.

 

A brothel in Berlin is offering discounts to customers who arrive on bicycles. This could also explain why everybody in the Tour de France veered off-course.

 

President Obama threw out the first pitch at last week’s All-Star game.  Before the game, Rush Limbaugh said he hoped he balked.

 

President Clinton will be inducted as an honorary member of Phi Beta Sigma—a historically black fraternity.  The fraternity cited Clinton’s stellar race relations record, as well as his stance on big booties.

 

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham admitted to Sonia Sotomayor during her confirmation hearing on Monday that unless she has a complete meltdown, she will get confirmed to the Supreme Court. Then she shaved her head, crashed her car and tried to hit a cameraman with an umbrella.

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry chose an outspoken creationist to run the state Board of Education. So it’s good to see Sarah Palin’s landing on her feet.

 

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” won at the box office this weekend, earning an estimated $159.7 million during its first five days in U.S. and Canadian theaters, 20 million more than the last film two years ago. So at least the economy isn’t affecting virgins.

 

Pope Benedict gave his blessing to “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” In fact, he gave it two pointy hats up.

 

The Pope gave “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” its endorsement because good triumphs over evil. Way to blow the ending, Pope.

 

However, the Pope gave Bruno a thumbs-down because he didn’t think it was anti-gay enough.

 

A new study finds that 19 percent of couples who live together before getting engaged stand a good chance of splitting up.  The study also found that 100 percent of married couples who live with their eight kids and let a camera crew film it stand a good chance of splitting up.

 

Jada Pinkett Smith – Will Smith’s wife – said in an interview with “Shape” magazine that she and Will had sex in a limo on the way to the Academy Awards this year. Even stranger: Morgan Freeman was there narrating it.

 

Morgan Freeman has reportedly been romantically involved with his 27-year-old step-granddaughter for the last ten years. Today, Woody Allen called him and said, “I feel so close to you.”

 

1988 gold medal figure skater Brian Boitano will star in a daytime cooking show on the Food Network called “What Will Brian Boitano Make?” The answer: a fool of himself. 

 

Actor-comedian Cheech Marin turned 63 last week. When he blew out his candles, everybody in the room got high.

 

The World Health Organization said Monday that the new swine flu is unstoppable – and gave orders to make a vaccine. Yeah, good plan—except that you just said it’s unstoppable. Why bother making the vaccine if you can’t stop it?  HELLO???

APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE

 

Starbucks is taking the name off one of its stores in Seattle and changing it to one that reflects the neighborhood location. It will be called Starbucks Between Four Other Starbucks.  Starbuckses?

 

Wal-Mart is planning to create eco-ratings for all of its goods – hoping to spur companies to redesign greener products. They’re trying to make their products to be biodegradable—just like their elderly greeters.

 

Lindsay Lohan revealed on her Twitter page that she was forcibly grabbed by a stranger, angry at her for stealing the recipe to a fake spray tan. Believe it or not, that was actually the most normal tweet Lindsay has made.

 

More than 500 people gathered yesterday at a nudist camp in California to set a Guinness record for the world’s largest skinny dip. Even more amazing: four of them were actually attractive.

 

A new study finds that alcohol use in teenagers is influenced by genetic and environmental factors. This is especially bad news for Keith Richards’ son who lives in a wine cellar.

 

A new study finds that men who are more than nine years older than their wives are twice as likely to get divorced. When asked for proof, researchers said: “Two words: Larry King.”

 

Ryan Seacrest signed a three-year contract extension as the host of American Idol, worth $45 million – which will make him the highest-paid reality host ever. Not surprisingly, he will be paid entirely in hairspray.

 

Paula Abdul’s manager said she is very hurt that the producers of American Idol haven’t made her an offer to return as a judge, and it looks like she won’t be back. For her to return, Paula’s seeking a contract similar to Simon Cowell’s—or a boilermaker.

 

The Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile crashed into a house in Wisconsin. As a result, they’re thinking of turning the place into a Taco Bell.

 

And finally…

 

A 15-year-old girl in Staten Island fell into an open manhole as she was texting while walking. Or as she put it, “OMG I Just FIAOM!”

 

Fin

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Good to be back. See ya next week.

 

 


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