June 29th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Your move, Amy Winehouse.

 

Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager for $25,000 after he punched him outside a club in Toronto. The good news: it only costs $25,000 to punch Perez Hilton.

 

On last week’s episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” they had a some guys build playhouses for the kids.  The next day, Jon moved into one of them.

 

Coming to DVD tomorrow is the film Two Lovers.  It’s a biopic about Governor Mark Sanford.  KAPOW!

 

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny kicked her husband out of their home.  So, it looks like he finally gets to take that hike.

 

Sanford said it was difficult to tell his wife about an infidelity—to which Bill Clinton said, “Ah, you get used to it.”

 

Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir—to be published in the Spring of 2011, several months after President George W. Bush’s book comes out. To be sure the books aren’t redundant, Cheney made sure his contained no drawings of fire trucks.

 

During her visit to San Francisco, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. To which Chris Brown said, “Way ahead of ya.”

 

Chris Brown pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of community service for assaulting Rihanna.  Many say Brown is getting away with a slap on the wrist…and the arm…and a few more to the face….

 

Ruth Madoff was spotted riding the F train in New York City.  Meanwhile, a guy who calls himself “The F Train” was spotted riding her husband.

 

In New York, the Transit Authority announced that it’s selling the naming rights to New York subway stations.  The most appropriate sponsor: Flomax.

 

Robert Burck—aka the Naked Cowboy—will continue with plans to perform in his hometown of Greenhills, Ohio even though local residents consider his act indecent. He’s expected to be greeted with shame and ridicule—and that’s just his parents.

 

Astronomers have found evidence that suggests a possible life-breeding ocean inside Saturn’s moon, Enceladus. And today, Red Lobster called dibs on it.

 

A new study finds that higher levels of carbon dioxide in the oceans are making the ears of fish grow bigger. You know, I thought my Fillet-O-Fish looked a lot like Prince Charles.

 

In an interview with Spin, Marilyn Manson said that he was so upset about breaking up with his girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood, he cut himself 158 times on Christmas Day.  That’s almost 10 times more than he normally cuts himself on Christmas.

 

Beach Boys Brian Wilson and Bruce Johnston turned 67 last week.  They celebrated by playing the song “409”—which is also the time they ate dinner.

 

Nissan announced plans on Tuesday to mass produce zero-emission cars in 2012. Meanwhile, GM announced plans to mass produce zero total cars in 2012.

 

Shia LaBeouf and Michael Cera are being considered for the role of Mark Zuckerberg in a Facebook movie. You can tell it’s a Facebook movie, because every time the characters try to talk to each other, they freeze up or say the same thing twice.

 

Police were called to rescue a baby opossum stuck inside a soda machine at a gym in upstate New York.  But before they could get there, the guy that came along next put in a dollar and wound up getting two opossums.

 

A woman in California being held hostage in her home was saved by chance when a bill collector knocked on her door and called the police. Ironically, he was there to collect payment for her home security system.

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A retired police officer in California stopped a man from robbing a bank by putting him in a sleeper hold until he passed out. The cop called this his greatest moment since he put a jaywalker in a figure-four leg-lock.

 

Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. The bad news: every time a dog sniffs an ass, there’s a $10 co-pay.

 

GROANERS!  GROANERS!  THE FOLLOWING JOKES WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

 

A Japanese satellite crashed into the moon on Tuesday at a speed of 3,738 miles per hour. But in fairness, the moon did run a stop sign.

 

Tennis player Martina Navratilova is being sued for millions by her wife who claims she was dumped without warning after seven years together. Martina said they’re equally to blame; she says it was a double-fault.

 

A monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he spoke to reporters outside his State House office on Wednesday. And you don’t even want to know what the Man with the Yellow Hat did to him.

 

And finally…

 

The EPA says that the levels of 80 cancer-causing toxins are in the air in more than 600 U.S. cities. To which people in New Jersey said, “That’s all?”

 

Fin 

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Two weeks off, then back on July 14 JULY 23. SORRY GUYS.  So, let me plug a couple shows I am hosting at Mottley’s Comedy Club next weekend, July 10 & 11th, featuring the very talented Giulia Rozzi and Jamie Lee.  Tickets are available HERE.  I’m the Jack Tripper in this Three’s Company of comedy, and I encourage you to come be our Mr. Furley.  Have a nice Fourth.


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