June 22nd, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre is likely to return, just after announcing yet another retirement.  Jeez, who would do something like that?

 

President Obama played Golf on Father’s day before taking the family out for frozen custard. Rush Limbaugh said he hopes it melted.

 

President Obama wrote an article for Sunday’s Parade magazine urging fathers to step up, admitting, “I have been an imperfect father. I know I have made mistakes…most notably when Sasha’s pet fly got loose…”

President Obama spoke for 56 minutes on Monday before the American Medical Association, the longest speech of his presidency—or as Joe Biden would call it, an “opening line.”

 

Senator John McCain said that Barack Obama has “done well” in his first five months as president. However, in fairness, he did admit that he’d nodded off for three of them.

 

First Lady Michelle Obama received a special Fashion Award last week. Diane Von Furstenberg noted her “meteoric rise as a fashion icon,” as well as her courageous efforts in the War on Sleeves.

 

President Obama has asked the Secret Service to block the media from viewing the White House visitor log, continuing a policy established by President Bush.  President Clinton had a similar policy…except he just blocked Hillary from seeing who visited.  Don’t get ahead of me, people.

 

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will undergo surgery after she fell and fractured her elbow.  Bill said he’s already preparing for the worst—Hillary pulling through.

 

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove–an elite, all-women’s club–after Republicans questioned her membership. Experts call this the biggest sacrifice for a Supreme Court nominee since Antonin Scalia was forced to resign from Color Me Badd.

 

A town in Arizona decided the winner of its tied town council election by having the two candidates draw cards.  So beat that, Iran.

 

Portugal has decided to accept one or two of the prisoners from Guantanamo; Spain and Italy have offered to take a few as well, but not the whole group.  Then, they said the same thing about Jon and Kate’s kids.

 

In Minnesota, a 31-year-old woman gave birth to quintuplets—or, as the Octomom put it, “underachieved.”

 

Myspace is laying off 30% of its workforce.  It made the announcement on its Twitter.

 

Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose in this bizarre accident during the opening number.



Michaels’ lawyer told him the case would likely get thrown out, on the grounds of being hilarious.

 

The FDA is warning that Zicam nasal spray can cause permanent loss of smell.  49 states demanded a recall; New Jersey demanded more.

 

It was revealed that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave. However, it’ll become obsolete tomorrow, when Apple introduces an even smaller liver that can hold more songs.

 

Singer Barry Manilow turned 66 last week—which means he’s almost old enough to like his own music.

 

Hugh Hefner admitted that he can’t tell his twin 19-year-old girlfriends apart.  Hefner’s 19-year-old girlfriend admitted she doesn’t know how to tell him he’s cross-eyed.

  

A man in Puerto Rico was arrested for stealing 88 pieces of underwear from his neighbor’s clothesline. Gee, if only there were some kind of machine that would make drying your underwear on a clothesline unnecessary.

 

Researchers at the University of California discovered that same-sex behavior can be found in almost all species in the animal kingdom.  And they could have a point; today, Chip ‘n Dale applied for a domestic partnership. 

 

A new study finds that Phoenix, Arizona is the best city in the U.S. for college graduates to find jobs.  The worst city in the U.S. to find a job: Circuit City.

 

A 15-year-old girl from Iowa won the National Texting Championship on Tuesday – taking home a prize of $50,000 for speed and accuracy.  The girl said the money should cover nearly a third of this month’s phone bill.

 

Shia LaBeouf confirmed that an Indiana Jones 5 is in the works. I don’t want to say Indy’s gotten old, but in this one, he spends two hours trying to figure out why his rabbit-ears TV won’t work anymore.  Which I guess would make him about 110.  Shut up.

 

Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee Joel, are separating after nearly five years of marriage. She’ll get the house; he’ll drive through it.

 

A man in New York was arrested after he dressed up as his dead mother for 6 years to collect her Social Security benefits. To make matters worse, he may also be forced to return the $50 he won at bingo.

 

A substitute gym teacher in New York was arrested for choking a 10-year-old student while they were arguing over a call in a dodgeball game. On the bright side, at least Latrell Sprewell’s working.

 

The New York Times is reporting that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003.  In related news, the New York Times report has tested positive for obviousness. 

 

Lucas Glover edged out Phil Mickelson to win his first major at the US Open at Bethpage Black today. Unfortunately, nobody saw it, because ESPN decided to cover Tiger Woods eating a sandwich.

 

Dozens of drunks taunted Tiger Woods on Saturday during the third round at the U.S. Open, with one yelling: “Suck it up, you’ve got your own video game!” That’s it—this time, John Daly has gone too far.

 

Police in Jamaica are looking for the thieves who stole over $1,000 worth of electronics from Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt’s home.  Bolt pursued the thieves in a chase that reached speeds of 100 miles per hour—but then he tripped.

 

A man in Delaware set off fireworks in the bathroom of an Arby’s restaurant on Thursday.  But in fairness, that’s a risk you take when you get the jalapeno bites.

 

83-year-old Dick Van Dyke is writing a memoir to be published in 2010.  It would have been done sooner, but he keeps tripping over the typewriter.  Oh jeez, here it comes…

 

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A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings—which still won’t stop idiots at the theater from pretending it’s not their phone going off.

 

In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest.  Parishioners suspected something was amiss when he started blessing people in the name of the Father, the Son and Judy Garland. 

 

The father of “American Idol” runner-up David Archuleta was arrested for hiring a hooker in Utah back in January. How shocking is that?  Utah has a hooker?

 

A man in England is auctioning off his dad’s ashes on eBay – claiming he abandoned him as a child. And today, Keith Richards e-mailed the guy to ask if he’d throw in a couple straws.

 

North Korea announced it is planning to fire a long-range missile toward Hawaii in early July. To which Japan said, “Way to blow it.”

 

The Jonas Brothers were interviewed for an hour on Larry King Live.  Things got a bit awkward when Larry kept referring to Nick as Ringo.

 

The British government is instructing teachers not to teach students the grammar rule “i before e, except after c” because there are too many exceptions. So there you go, kids.  When something’s hard to learn, skip it.

 

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

China may require people who want a sex change procedure to get approval from a police officer. Or they can just get a private dick.

 

And finally…

 

Chastity Bono has been undergoing treatments to become a man.  So far so good; today, Cher hit on him.

 

 

Fin 

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Just when I think I’m out…

 

It’s good to be back.  I gotta admit, it sure beats walking up to people on the subway and telling them Amy Winehouse jokes.  I’ll be at The Highlander in Acushnet, MA this Saturday night at 8 PM with Harrison Stebbins and Steve Bjork.  Talk to ya soon.


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