June 1st, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied calling for a ban on Facebook during the country’s presidential election.  He said he did impose a ban on Myspace, but…nobody noticed.

 

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez began a marathon four-day edition of his television talk show to mark its tenth anniversary.  Chavez took the time to thank his viewers for watching, reflect on the show’s greatest moments, and announce that he would not be jumping to ABC.

 

Chavez uses his talk show to make policy announcements, berate opponents and make rambling speeches—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Rush Limbaugh.

 

Over the past week, North Korea has conducted an underground test of a nuclear bomb, test-fired several missiles and detonated other explosives.  And as if that weren’t bad enough, today they poured some Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke.

 

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is leading the charge against North Korea’s weapon testing.  And it’s getting nasty; today, Hillary said Kim Jong-Il is reckless, defiant, and has no idea how to wear a pantsuit.

 

Hillary Clinton surprised graduates at Yale University by showing up to accept an honorary degree.  Meanwhile, Bill surprised members of Kappa Kappa Gamma by showing up with some tequila and a Twister pad.    

 

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi visited China last weekend.  There was actually one awkward moment when a couple of geishas said “Hey, who’s the stiff face?”          

 

A reporter had to be dragged kicking and screaming from Air Force One, angry about not being able to hand-deliver President Obama a personal letter.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again—we’ve got to get Chris Matthews some help.

 

According to a study commissioned by the Geneva-based Global Humanitarian Forum, climate change kills 315,000 people a year—and most of those are people who will themselves to death when they see Al Gore coming over to chat about it.

 

Al Gore urged a group of 500 business leaders in New York to push for stronger global warming legislation, saying that “Mother Nature does not do bailouts.”  And from the looks of Al, neither do Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemima…

 

Florida was one of the states that had to slash a relatively low amount of jobs this year.  Experts say that might have something to do with the fact that everybody there is retired.        

 

The Social Security Administration is reporting that early retirements are up 25% over the past year—and that’s just Brett Favre.         

 

The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Denver Nuggets to move on to the NBA Finals.  That’s really not a surprise; after all, if there’s one place Kobe’s comfortable being aggressive, it’s Colorado.    

 

A Florida man and his wife claim they sold steroids to professional baseball players in Washington D.C.  When asked if they had indeed purchased steroids, members of the Nationals said, “Did we?  No.  Should we?  Well…”

 

A Japanese company is selling a horror story that is published on a roll of toilet paper.  Each sheet of toilet paper contains another page—or, you could just go to Wienerschnitzel and write your own horror story.

 

USA Today did an article on how the recession has forced many restaurants to expand their menus in order to appeal to a broader consumer base.  For instance, Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering grilled chicken; Pizza Hut is offering pasta; and McDonald’s is toying with the idea of selling beef.

 

A kitten in China is receiving attention, after it grew a pair of wings.  As a result, the kitten’s father is beginning to think that parrot that was always hanging around could have been more than “just a friend.”

 

In Philomath, Oregon, a Chihuahua and a border terrier scared off a cougar that wandered into the town.  Apparently, Madonna is more of a cat person.

 

Toys R Us announced that it has acquired financially troubled, upscale toy retailer FAO Schwartz.  Toys R Us is already putting their mark on the chain; in fact, the A in FAO is now backwards.  Take a minute…ah, funny, right?

 

A British woman has become one of the oldest moms on record, giving birth to a baby boy at the age of 66.  The woman spent today shopping for diapers and talcum powder—and tomorrow’s she’s gonna buy some for the baby.  Okay, now be honest, how far in advance did you see that one coming?  “Oldest?”  “A?”

 

In El Paso, Texas, a high school principal has filed an assault charge against the school superintendent after she failed to return a high five, and he wound up slapping her in the forehead.  On the bright side, at least he wasn’t giving her a fist-pound.

 

Amy Winehouse cancelled a planned comeback show in England due to a mysterious condition.  The mysterious condition: sobriety.  That’s sobriety.  Ah, Winehouse.  I’ll miss ya.

 

And finally…

 

A recent study out of England claims the less intelligent a woman is, the harder it is for her to have an orgasm. So at the end of the day, I guess out blondes actually have less fun.

 

Fin 

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Although I’m not positive, this could be the last new one of these for a while.  Let me just take this opportunity to thank you all for reading.  However, come back next week, I’ll be putting up a best-of.

 

One show to plug:  I’ll be at Kings Court in Hudson, NH this Saturday with Jimmy Dunn and Mike Prior.  Tickets are available HERE.

 

See ya.


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