May 25th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

The NBA and World Wrestling Entertainment were locked in a bitter dispute over arena privileges, as they were double-booked at the Pepsi Center on Monday night.  Sports writers are calling the situation a silly argument between a phony organization where all the outcomes are predetermined, and the WWE.           

 

Google is using a highly sophisticated algorithm to determine which of its employees are most likely to quit.  The system takes into account employee surveys, peer reviews, and people who sign each memo “So long, suckers.”       

           

A man in England is recovering, after falling 6,000 feet into a rocky mountainside after he failed to open his parachute while skydiving.  Even more amazing: the guy said the entire time he was falling, he still felt safer than he would have flying Continental.

 

Newsweek is reporting that Vice-President Joe Biden revealed the location of a top secret Vice-Presidential bunker while speaking at a high-profile dinner in the capital.  Fortunately, nobody there heard the location, because they had dozed off long before he got to it.

 

Experts are warning that GPS satellites are close to failing, and the system could be close to a breakdown.  GPS officials couldn’t be reached for comment, because they had just driven into a volcano.

 

I got a GPS not too long ago, and it’s very advanced.  I said I wanted to go to Cambridge, and it said “Take a right.”  I said I wanted to go to Somerville, and it said “Take a left.”  I said I wanted to go to Roxbury, and it said “Take a gun.”

 

People are still talking about Rachel Alexandra winning the Preakness.  Jockey Calvin Borel raised some eyebrows, after he ditched a male because he thought he’d have a better chance riding a female.  When asked why, Borel said, “Hey, it worked for Lindsay Lohan.”

 

Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski said that Americans need to scale back their consumerism because it is harming the environment.  Kulongoski said that staying at home and not spending any money could also allow Americans to focus on other issues, like fixing the economy.

 

The economy’s bad.  Today, Miss California lost her shirt!—And not in the fun way!

 

It’s hurting athletes.  Brad Penny—working at JC Penny.

 

It’s real bad.  Today I saw Scrooge McDuck at the park, fighting for bread.

 

The economy’s so bad, I’m back to buying visors, because I can’t afford the whole hat!

 

And finally…

 

In Australia, a kangaroo is recovering and expected to make a full recovery after it spent a week with an arrow lodged down the middle of his head.   Wildlife officials are calling the animal amazing; scientists are calling him a miracle; Steve Martin is calling him a hack.

 

I think this week’s Jonologue deserves this:

 

 

 

Mercifully…

 

Fin 

*          *          *          *          *

 

How was your week?  Mine was pretty enjoyable…as the above offering likely proves.  Got to see a bunch of old friends, make a bunch of new friends, and took part in three great comedy shows.  Dartmouth College was a blast, and I can safely say that driving up there on such a nice day was probably the best ride to a comedy show I’ve had.  Sorry, Keene State in a rainstorm/Turners Falls in a blizzard.

 

Then on Friday and Saturday, I got to play at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA, and was even more blown away by how cool those audiences were.  This further cemented Salem as one of my favorite all-time towns…despite its pretty messed up tourism ploy.  I still maintain those broads could have been holding book club meetings—which, come to think of it, is pretty good cause for burning.  So never mind, I’m cool with it.

 

Three shows this week, but only two to plug:

 

1)I’m at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Friday.  It’s going to be a great, great show, with the likes of Dan Boulger, Shaun Bedgood, Bill Braudis, Chris Pennie and maybe another guy who I worked with at Dartmouth last week.  Hosted by Ken Reid.  8 PM, 10 bucks cheap, and tickets can be ordered in advance HERE.  Great show, don’t miss it.

 

2) I’m at the Italian Community Center in Beverly, MA at 8 PM on Saturday.  Gonna be swell.

 

That’s all I got for ya.  See ya next week, for what could be the last new one for a while.  Stay tuned.

 


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