May 11th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

As a result of testing positive for a banned substance, Manny Ramirez will have to sit out 50 games.  So, it’ll be just like any other season. KA-POW!!!

 

151 million Mothers Day cards were sent this year—and that was just to the Octomom.

A computer hacker has been charged with breaking into the Twitter accounts of Britney Spears and Ashton Kutcher.  Twitter suspected someone had hacked into Britney’s account when her tweets began to make sense.

 

Radio giant Clear Channel announced it is cutting 590 jobs due to the recession.  The way they made the cuts was pretty insensitive; apparently, they told their employees, “If you want to keep your job, just be the twelfth caller!”

 

The State Department has started a new Musical Overtures program, which sends musicians to the war zones of Iraq and Afghanistan in hopes of sending the message that music is “universal.”  At least, that’s what they’re telling Celine Dion.

 

In Quartz Hill, California, a 17-year-old girl used a marching band baton to fight off two would-be muggers.  To show you how rough the neighborhood is, it happened during a parade.    

 

Activists in the Kenya are urging women to withhold sex for a week to protest the growing divide in the nation’s coalition government, and are even willing to pay prostitutes to withhold sex as well.  So they’d have a bunch of whores getting paid not to work—or as we call it here, “Congress.”

 APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE

 

President Obama jumbled a joke at a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration held on May 4, when he referred to it at “Cinco de Cuatro,” which translates to five of four.  When he heard the news, President Bush said, “100 days on the job, and the guy already thinks he can speak French.” 

 

Most businesses in Mexico reopened Wednesday after being closed for five days because of swine flu, but they now face a complex set of new health restrictions that includes a mandatory two empty seats between people at movie theaters—thus making “The Ghost of Girlfriends Past” a surprising key to recovery.

 

Jennifer Aniston said recently that she would participate in a “Friends” movie, but only if they make it before they all get “old.”  Which I think is actually Jennifer Aniston’s way of saying she won’t participate in a “Friends” movie.

 

In what’s being called a medical breakthrough, a Japanese scientist is on the verge of discovering a way to to grow a human organ inside of a sheep—to which farmers in Kentucky said, “So?”    

 

The favorite to win the Kentucky Derby, I Want Revenge, was scratched hours before the race.  As a result, his name has been changed to Never Mind, We’re Cool. 

 

This week, Chanel, who has been named the world’s oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old.  And man, did that bitch get wasted.

 

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper, which he found in an old book he bought years ago.  The recipe: 1) a cup of cola; 2) a cup of root beer; 3) stir.

 

In New York, a woman who worked for a major jewelry manufacturer has admitted to stealing 500 pounds of gold over the course of six years by smuggling it out piece by piece in her purse.  Authorities believe the woman was taking the jewelry to supplement her other career as Flavor Flav’s dentist.         

 

The latest message from Somalia’s Al-Qaeda-backed Al-Shabaab wing is an 18-minute hip-hop video that features a guy rapping.  Al-Qaeda says it hopes the video strikes fear into the hearts of the infidels, and gets nominated for a VMA.        

 

One of Britain’s leading forensic scientists has created a clay sculpture of the earliest known European face.  Apparently, he was able to make a cast for the sculpture when Keith Richards fell asleep.

 

In London, a man and a woman were arrested for having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle while the Queen was inside.  Her Majesty was irate when she heard the news, especially since she’d asked for two chicks.    

 

According to a new survey, the French spend more time sleeping than any other country, finally explaining their cheery disposition.

 

The French Navy seized 11 pirates Sunday after they mistook a French warship for a commercial ship and made a run at it off the coast of Kenya.  How unbelievable is that?  France has a warship?   

 

The Swiss government has rejected an effort by a man to register the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community because of the offensive name.  As a result, the man has changed the name to the much less ridiculous Satan of Orgasm Church.

 

A judge has denied former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich the travel visa that would allow him to appear on the NBC reality show, “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Outta Here.”  The good news: he still stands an excellent chance of appearing on another reality show—“Lockup.”

 

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

In Los Angeles, auditions are underway for a new musical based on the Octomom, Nadya Suleman.  They plan on calling it “Octomamma Mia!”

                                                                              

Fin 

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I am appearing along with Dave Rattigan, Juston McKinney (two Tonight Shows!) and Joe Wong (a recent Late Show!) at Palio’s Italian Grill in Lexington, MA THIS SATURDAY.  It’s gonna be a great, great show, and I am thrilled to be part of the lineup.  Have a nice week.


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