CAUSE & EFFECT
The H1N1 Swine Flu
That’s the big story everyone. Posing a threat as the most damaging global pandemic since Spice World, the H1N1 Swine Flu has been all over the news over the past week. Some people say it’s dying. Some say it could come back. While others with no immediate prospects are shaking hands with everyone, showering at the gym and essentially daring fate to bring it on. How has H1N1 changed our society? Here now, a Cause & Effect breakdown of The Swine Flu.
CAUSE: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says department preparing for swine flu pandemic the same way it would a hurricane.
EFFECT: FEMA preparing relief packages to send a week late.
CAUSE: U.S. lawmakers say key to preventing the spread of the swine flu is securing the Mexican border.
EFFECT: Homeland Security: “Thanks, we needed the laugh.”
CAUSE: Doctors warn that wearing facemasks can be dangerous, as they lead people to take risks they shouldn’t be taking.
EFFECT: Sarah Palin explains to her kids that facemasks don’t qualify as an effective birth control method.
CAUSE: Airports begin detaining travelers who look ill.
EFFECT: Rolling Stones cancel their summer tour.
CAUSE: Texas Governor Rick Perry requested that over 37,000 doses of Tamiflu be sent to Texas from the Strategic National Stockpile.
EFFECT: Perry so busy requesting help from the U.S., he barely has time to talk about seceding from it. (Applause, applause, applause).
CAUSE: In Mexico, soccer teams play to empty stadiums because of the swine flu scare.
EFFECT: Washington Nationals: “Uh—yeah, us too.”
CAUSE: Egypt outlaws kissing or excessive physical contact.
EFFECT: Men in country report a lower-than-normal number of “pants pyramids.”
CAUSE: Egypt orders all 300,000 pigs in the country slaughtered immediately.
EFFECT: Wienerschnitzel announces merger with Egypt.
CAUSE: Egypt orders pigs slaughtered, despite the fact they are not responsible for spreading the virus.
EFFECT: Experts said they hadn’t seen a group attacked like this for something they weren’t behind since we invaded Iraq. What??? Who said that???
CAUSE: The World Health Organization says all countries should prepare for the worst, especially the poorer ones.
EFFECT: We’re screwed!
And in other news, it’s time for…
General Motors has announced plans to close most of its U.S. factories for nine weeks this summer, due to slumping sales. This makes GM the first Detroit-based organization to take an entire season off since—well, the Lions.
In last weekend’s game against the Yankees, Boston’s Jacoby Ellsbury became the first Red Sox player in ten years to steal home—I’m sorry, “foreclose” on it.
The CEO of AirTran wants the airline to be the first to fly from the U.S. to Cuba if travel restrictions are lifted. Travelers could expect limited perks, stale food and zero internet access—and the flight over there would be even worse.
Myspace co-founder Chris DeWolfe announced he is stepping down from his job as CEO of the social networking site, after its recent decline in popularity. Ironically, this is the first anyone’s heard of the decision, since he announced it on Myspace.
It’s believed Arlen Specter may have switched to the Democratic party to boost his reelection chances. I don’t want to say Specter switched sides just for publicity, but his new Secret Service codename is Lindsay Lohan.
Admiral Blair Dennis Blair said torturous interrogation techniques are bad, because the damage they do to our global image outweigh their immediate benefit. Then, he said the same thing about Subway’s Five Dollar Foot-Longs.
A Saudi court has sided with a man who divorced his wife via text message. When asked how he felt about the ruling, the man said “I’m happy, relieved, and LMAO.”
In Colorado Springs, a pregnant woman is recovering from minor injuries after she was hit by a car while running from a bear. Even more amazingly, it turns out the car was being driven by a bobcat.
In New York, a group of scientists say they have created an alternative to Viagra that can be applied by rubbing it directly into the skin. I just hope they don’t hire the same ad guys as HeadOn.
In Charleston, West Virginia, a woman is charged with trying to sell her five-month-old son in order to pay for a new apartment. Authorities are calling the woman troubled; parenting groups are calling her a disgrace; Madonna is calling her with an offer.
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Three things to mention this week: First of all, I will be hosting this Wednesday night May 6 at The Burren in Davis Square. Show is at 10pm , and is absolutely FREE.
Next, I am going to be at The Claddagh in Lawrence on Friday night with Jim Dunn of Sox Appeal, Joe Wong of The Late Show with David Letterman, and Dave Rattigan of Sirius XM and my mom’s hometown. The show is at 7pm.
Third, I am going to be at the Dover Bowl in Dover, NH on Saturday night. The show begins at 9, and more information can be found here.
Last, I do not care for Joakim Noah.
That is all. See ya next week.
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