October 20th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

When I started this blog well over a year ago, the goal was to humiliate myself into  getting okay enough to do it for a living.  Well, folks, that has indeed happened.  I have a job that I love, live in a great, great city, and get paid to rag on people I’ll probably never have to actually face myself.  So it is with a bittersweet sense of bittersweetness that I say that this will be, until further notice, the final blog of this blog.  So, much the way I imagine the folks who built the pyramids did, I would like to leave this thing in a breathtaking state to dazzle and awe future generations. Or, just not embarrass myself too much. So, without further ado, I reach back into the archives, to the days of faxing in, and bring you a (hastily assembled) collection of rejects I hereby declare…

 

THE BEST 50 JOKES OF 2009!!!

 

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POLITICS

 

John McCain announced he would vote against the appointment of Sonia Sotomayor, saying that while she has an interesting backstory, she doesn’t have the proper qualifications.  Gee, who would ever pick a woman like that for something, John McCain?

 

Barack Obama’s physician reports the president is in great shape, saying “The guy is built like a rock, he could probably bench-press me.” Then he said the same thing about Michelle Obama.

 

French President Nicolas Sarkozy recently indicated that President Obama is “weak” and “indecisive.”  Then he said, “In other words, he’s our kind of guy.”   

 

Nancy Pelosi met with Pope Benedict at the Vatican.  The Pope told Pelosi that Catholic politicians have a duty to protect life at all stages of its development, urged her to embrace a prolife philosophy, and asked her, “What the hell happened to your eyes?”

 

At her swearing-in ceremony, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton referenced husband Bill Clinton’s affairs, saying that she was “so grateful to him for a lifetime (pause for effect) of all kinds of experiences.”  In response, Bill thanked Hillary “for being such a (pause for effect) bitch.”

 

NBC canceled Ann Coulter’s scheduled appearance on the Today Show.  If you still want to hear what Coulter has to say, just turn off the lights and say her name three times into a mirror.

 

South Carolina Congressman Gresham Barrett will reportedly donate his $4,700 raise to charity.  That’s right, he’s going to buy a Chrysler.

 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied calling for a ban on Facebook during the country’s presidential election.  He said he did impose a ban on Myspace, but…nobody noticed.

 

 

NATION

 

Scientists at Northwestern University have found that people who are most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation. When asked to explain their findings, the scientists said “Priests.”

 

A new study finds that the rate of childhood obesity in the United States has tripled since 1984.  In fact if they were around today, The Fat Boys would just be known as The Boys.

 

A Southwest Airlines flight on its way to Orlando made an emergency landing in Long Island after a flight attendant smelled smoke in the cabin – but it turns out there was no smoke or fire and the plane landed for nothing. Hey flight attendant—wanna get away?

 

A new study finds that divorce can hurt a person’s health, due to loss of sleep, stress, and lack of exercise. To which John Gosselin said, “I’ll take my chances.”

 

A 15-year-old girl in Staten Island fell into an open manhole as she was texting while walking. Or as she put it, “OMG I Just FIAOM!”

 

Ruth Madoff was spotted riding the F train in New York City.  Meanwhile, a guy who calls himself “The F Train” was spotted riding her husband.

 

In Minnesota, a 31-year-old woman gave birth to quintuplets—or, as the Octomom put it, “underachieved.”

 

A new study finds that Phoenix, Arizona is the best city in the U.S. for college graduates to find jobs.  The worst city in the U.S. to find a job: Circuit City.

 

The Social Security Administration is reporting that early retirements are up 25% over the past year—and that’s just Brett Favre.

 

Radio giant Clear Channel announced it is cutting 590 jobs due to the recession.  The way they made the cuts was pretty insensitive; apparently, they told their employees, “If you want to keep your job, just be the twelfth caller!”

 

In Quartz Hill, California, a 17-year-old girl used a marching band baton to fight off two would-be muggers.  To show you how rough the neighborhood is, it happened during a parade.    

 

The CEO of AirTran wants the airline to be the first to fly from the U.S. to Cuba if travel restrictions are lifted.  Travelers could expect limited perks, stale food and zero internet access—and the flight over there would be even worse.                       

 

In New York, a group of scientists say they have created an alternative to Viagra that can be applied by rubbing it directly into the skin.  I just hope they don’t hire the same ad guys as HeadOn.

 

iTunes is now charging users $1.29 for new downloadable music, up from just 99 cents.  The good news: you can now save an extra 30 cents when you download it illegally.

 

Caseworkers in Arizona have discovered a new trend of older couples looking to adopt school-age children—or, as it’s normally called, “kidnapping.”

 

In New York, two dozen people auditioned to become a clown with Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus.  Not surprisingly, they all arrived in the same car.

 

In Arizona, a man was arrested after authorities discovered 1,400 pounds of marijuana hidden in a semitrailer he was driving.  Authorities believe the 1,400 pounds of marijuana was either being delivered to a large-scale drug cartel, or a whale with glaucoma.      

 

A man in Pennsylvania faced up to 37 years in prison for tearing open a neighbor’s door with a chain saw after someone parked in front of his house.  People inside weren’t sure if the man was just angry, or the most aggressive Jehovah’s Witness ever.

 

It was reported that one of the celebrities who lost money in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme was actor John Malkovich.  Man, guess it sucks being him.

 

 

WORLD

 

India’s Hindu nationalist movement has announced plans to market a soft drink made from cow urine.  They’re calling it “Tab.”

 

In Naples, Italy, thousands of people marched in the streets to protest the mafia.  They will be missed.

 

Two American journalists were reunited with their families on American soil after former President Bill Clinton successfully negotiated their release from North Korea.  The women said they were humiliated, degraded, forced to do unspeakable things—and that was just on the plane with Clinton.

 

The North Korean State Media is reporting that President Clinton apologized for the journalists’ behavior, but now Clinton denies ever making an apology.  And I believe him; after all, when Bill Clinton denies something, you can take it to the bank.

 

Facebook is testing a new service called Facebook Lite for countries with limited Internet connections. It’s basically a stripped-down version of Facebook with fewer features and capabilities—or as we call it in America, “Myspace.”

 

A new study finds that higher levels of carbon dioxide in the oceans are making the ears of fish grow bigger. You know, I thought my Fillet-O-Fish looked a lot like Prince Charles.

 

North Korea opened its first fast-food restaurant in Pyongyang.  Here’s a tip: the hot dogs—are just that.

 

 

ENTERTAINMENT

 

A producer on the CW’s “One Tree Hill” is hoping to turn the 2004 movie “The Notebook” into a Broadway musical—or as men are calling it, “a perfect storm of agony.”

 

Chris Brown pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of community service for assaulting Rihanna.  Many say Brown is getting away with a slap on the wrist…and the arm…and a few more to the face….

 

Beach Boys Brian Wilson and Bruce Johnston turned 67 last week.  They celebrated by playing the song “409”—which is also the time they ate dinner.

 

Hugh Hefner admitted that he can’t tell his twin 19-year-old girlfriends apart.  Hefner’s 19-year-old girlfriend admitted she doesn’t know how to tell him he’s cross-eyed.

 

Chastity Bono has been undergoing treatments to become a man.  So far so good; today, Cher hit on him.

 

It was reported that Madonna and her boyfriend would have a commitment ceremony at a Kabbalah center in New York this weekend.  They would have done it last weekend, but the kid didn’t want to miss his prom.

 

Fox is creating a new dating show called “More to Love,” which will feature husky guys dating plus-size women.  Either way, the show will likely do better than it would have under its original title, “Knockin’ Cankles.”

 

 

SPORTS

 

Charles Barkley was released from prison after three days rather than five for his New Year’s DUI conviction, due partly to jail overcrowding. The amazing part: he was the only one in it.

 

In a new interview with “Details” magazine, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady calls his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen, a “girl version” of himself—which is ironic, because that’s how we New England fans describe Peyton Manning.

 

President Obama threw out the first pitch at last week’s All-Star game.  Before the game, Rush Limbaugh said he hoped he balked.

 

Dozens of drunks taunted Tiger Woods on Saturday during the third round at the U.S. Open, with one yelling: “Suck it up, you’ve got your own video game!” That’s it—this time, John Daly has gone too far.

 

Police in Jamaica are looking for the thieves who stole over $1,000 worth of electronics from Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt’s home.  Bolt pursued the thieves in a chase that reached speeds of 100 miles per hour—but then he tripped.

 

The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Denver Nuggets to move on to the NBA Finals.  That’s really not a surprise; after all, if there’s one place Kobe’s comfortable being aggressive, it’s Colorado.    

 

As a result of testing positive for a banned substance, Manny Ramirez will have to sit out 50 games.  So, it’ll be just like any other season.

 

 

THREE BEST

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(AND ONLY)

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VISUALS

 

 

Sonia Sotomayor watched her confirmation vote at a federal courthouse in New York City with friends and colleagues. Her publicist released this photo:

 

 

 

 

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In Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5th Avenue, after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

In Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5th Avenue, after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

 

In Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5th Avenue after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

 

 

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Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

 

Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

 

 

 

 

 

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DEATH NOTICES

 

One of the last remaining Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz has died at the age of 89.  His remains were placed in an urn.  The amazing part: he wasn’t even cremated. 

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Cloning expert Jerry Yang has died at the age of 49.  He is survived by his wife, and three more Jerry Yangs.

 

 

Fin

 

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Thank you, once again, to everyone who read this, especially to Mike Bracco for designing and maintaining the site, and to Rick Jenkins, for linking back to my blog on the old Studio spam.  In the crappiest of times, this was always a ton of fun, and it was great trying to figure out what you’d all like (and dislike).  And on that note, let’s go out on a gag reel…it’s time for…

 

 

THE 10 WORST GROANERS OF 2009!!!

 

Heidi Montag says she plans to get more plastic surgery done in the future, possibly bigger breasts for her husband, Spencer Pratt. I don’t know about you, but I think Spencer’s breasts are fine just the way they are.  Okay, screw all of you—this joke is solid. 

 

Anna Paquin is engaged to Stephen Moyer – her co-star on HBO’s “True Blood,” a show about vampires. If you want to buy them a present, they’re registered at Bed, Bats and Beyond.

 

A man in Illinois is accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses because he enjoys being around eyewear. However, the guy says he’s been framed.

 

The FBI has arrested a man from Georgia labeled as the “limping bandit” – because he robbed 23 banks and limped as he walked away. Cops say the guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

 

Tennis player Martina Navratilova is being sued for millions by her wife who claims she was dumped without warning after seven years together. Martina said they’re equally to blame; she says it was a double-fault.

 

China may require people who want a sex change procedure to get approval from a police officer. Or they can just get a private dick.

 

In Los Angeles, auditions are underway for a new musical based on the Octomom, Nadya Suleman.  They plan on calling it “Octomamma Mia!”

 

A pink dolphin was discovered swimming in a lake in Louisiana.  The dolphin was described as extremely flam-buoyant.

 

In San Diego, a mistrial was declared when a home-invasion robbery suspect spread human fecal matter on his attorney’s face and hair, then threw more at the jury.  Ironically, most of it hit Juror Number Two.

 

An Orange County woman is accused of stealing another woman’s identity to get a pair of new breasts, and then going on the run.  Police were able to catch the woman by setting up a booby trap.

 

 

ONWARD!!!……..

 

 

 


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