August 17th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

MTV is leaving its studio in Times Square at the end of the year because the rent is too expensive. Fittingly, they’ll be moving in with my parents.

 

President Obama attended a town hall meeting in New Hampshire to discuss his health care proposal. While there, his Secret Service codename was The Black Guy.

 

At the meeting in Portsmouth, President Obama said that “health insurance will be there for you when it counts, not just when you’re paying premiums.” And here’s the impressive part: he almost got through it without laughing.

 

During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire, President Obama mistakenly said two times that the AARP supports his health care plan – but the organization has not endorsed any plan yet. This could explain his new Secret Service codename: Joe Biden.

 

An 11-year-old student interviewed President Obama in the Oval office last week. He previously interviewed Joe Biden. And here’s the amazing part: at the beginning of the Biden interview, he was only eight.

 

An 11-year-old student interviewed President Obama in the Oval office yesterday.  In his final question, the boy asked Obama, “When I interviewed Vice President Joe Biden, he became my homeboy. Would you like to become my homeboy?” To which Obama said, “Well, if Biden’s one of your homeboys…then no, not really.”

 

John Mackey, the CEO of Whole Foods, said this week that eating “whole foods” is a better alternative to President Obama’s health care plan. Ironically, a trip to Whole Foods costs about the same amount of money.

 

John Edwards finally admitted he was the father of his mistress’ baby, after originally denying it, telling ABC news: “Absolutely not true.” When asked about it today, Edwards said, “Uh…Opposite Day?”

 

Dick Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of the administration.  This could explain why Bush didn’t shoot anyone in the face.

 

Sarah Palin posted on her Facebook page that President Obama’s health care plan would create “death panels” to evaluate the health of “unproductive” members of society. Not only that—she also became a fan of glasses.

 

Happy Birthday to Fidel Castro, who turned 83. To mark the occasion, his buddies got him a box of American cigars.

 

One day after GM’s claim that its new electric car – the Chevy Volt – would get 230 miles per gallon, Nissan announced that its electric car – the Leaf – can achieve 367 miles per gallon. To which GM said, “Oh yeah?  Well…ours turns into a robot…”

 

Nissan announced on its Twitter feed that its electric car, the Leaf, gets “367 mpg, no tailpipe, and no gas required.  Oh yeah, and it’ll be affordable too.” GM said they’d tweet about their new electric car…except they can’t afford internet.

 

The wife of Twitter’s CEO posted updates on Twitter while she gave birth, saying “Dear Twitter, My water broke,” and “Epidural, yes please.” In related news, her baby posted updates saying “Don’t cut that!” and “Why’s this guy slapping my ass?”

 

FOX will air a two-hour special on Nadya Suleman called “Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage” on August 19. It focuses on the struggles, complications and burdens of a mother raising a bunch of kids all by herself—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 I’m thinking of.

 

In an interview with the “Today” show yesterday, Kate Gosselin said that she still wears her wedding ring for the sake of her eight children. In a separate interview, Jon Gosselin said he still wears his wedding ring because “It’s a chick magnet!!”

 

Heidi Montag says she plans to get more plastic surgery done in the future, possibly bigger breasts for her husband, Spencer Pratt. I don’t know about you, but I think Spencer’s breasts are fine just the way they are.

 

Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, posted on her blog that she is having a baby boy, due on Christmas Day. I don’t want to say Hugh might be the father, but in the sonogram, the baby’s wearing a smoking jacket.

 

In a new interview with “Details” magazine, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady calls his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen, a “girl version” of himself—which is ironic, because that’s how we New England fans describe Peyton Manning.

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KAAAAAAA-POW!!!

 

Tim McGraw and the Black Eyed Peas will perform at the NFL’s season opener between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Tennessee Titans. Good, because whenever I hear “My Humps,” I think, “This would sound so much better with Tim McGraw!”

 

Michael Vick signed a two-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles – three weeks after he was reinstated by the NFL. Well, like I always say—every dog has his day.

 

After he was signed, Vick couldn’t wait to get out on the practice field.  He said he was chomping at the bit.

 

Vick can start practices immediately, but will not be able to play until Week 6 of the NFL season. Until then, they’re just going to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

However, PETA plans to really hound him.

 

There was even a rumor Vick could switch to a position other than quarterback while he gets back into shape.  I don’t know, it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

 

The Olympic Committee voted to add golf to the 2016 Olympic Games.  They say it’ll give golfers from every nation the chance to lose to Tiger Woods

 

NBC just signed a new deal to air more live gymnastics events through 2012. Even more amazing is that all the Chinese gymnasts who will be competing that year haven’t even been born yet.

Chicago Blackhawks player Patrick Kane and his cousin have been charged with assaulting and robbing a cab driver In Buffalo, New York after the driver didn’t have 20 cents for change. If convicted, Kane could face up to four minutes in the penalty box.  Oh jeez…here it comes…
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NASA is planning to use $50 million of federal stimulus money to develop a commercial passenger service to space. Not to be outdone, Southwest announced they were offering flights to Jupiter starting at 20 bucks.

 

A website in Australia is letting users send text messages to the planet Gliese 581d – which is the nearest Earth-like planet outside the solar system.  The messages will take 20 years to be delivered—since the planet uses AOL.

 

A Japanese man pressed the emergency stop button on a commuter train because he needed an excuse for being late to work. The bad news is the man was arrested; the good news—he got that excuse.

 

In Florida, an 87-year-old woman killed a rattlesnake with her bare hands after it bit her. I’m not all that surprised—I mean, have you seen Madonna’s arm’s lately?

 

A recent study by Broadcasting & Cable found that DVR users fast forward through Paula Abdul’s comments more than any other judge on American Idol.  And here’s the amazing part: when you hit fast-forward, Paula’s actually easier to understand.

 

Steven Tyler is finally talking about his fall from the stage during an Aerosmith concert last week, saying “I zigged when I should have zagged.” So apparently, he has a concussion.

 

Nobody was injured when a man with a machete burst into a church in Brooklyn and shouted “I got something to say.” However, everyone was annoyed when he forgot what it was.

 

A grandmother in England lost a $3,000 antique diamond ring when it was swallowed by a piglet. The good news: if she’s patient, she’ll get it back.

 

A new study from the University of Massachusetts finds that, when we talk to strangers, we lie about four times every 10 minutes. Nah, it’s actually three times every 10 minutes. See? There’s one right there.

 

A Russian woman was arrested after she threw a ceramic coffee cup at the Mona Lisa in Paris. Fortunately for her, the victim refused to testify.

 

A Muslim woman in Paris went to a public pool wearing a “Burquini,” which covers the person from head-to-toe. Because if there’s one way to really smight Allah, it’s tan lines.

 

Rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot turned 46 last week. I still gotta get him a gift…Anyone know what he likes?

 

And finally…

 

Facebook is testing a new service called Facebook Lite for countries with limited Internet connections. It’s basically a stripped-down version of Facebook with fewer features and capabilities—or as we call it in America, “Myspace.”

 

Fin

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Two REALLY BIG shows this weekend, folks, and I hope to see you at one or both of them.  I’ll be opening for JUSTON MCKINNEY at Mottley’s Comedy Club at Faneuil Hall in Boston on Friday and Saturday, which each show starting at 8 pm.  Juston McKinney is a national headliner, has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno twice, did a Comedy Central Presents and is getting ready to shoot another special this fall.  Local guy (Portsmouth/Kittery), very funny, and you should definitely come.  And the good news is that I’ll be doing at least 20 before he closes, so you’ll get to see (close to, but not quite) the kitchen sink at a good price with no drink minimums or any of that.  Tickets are available HERE.

 

The blog is going on a two-week hiatus, but I should see you back on September 7.  Stay tuned.


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August 10th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

According to a new survey by the Daily News, eight out of ten women said they feel guilty after shopping. Meanwhile, the other two were honest.

 

The Yankees swept the Red Sox in a four-game series at the new Yankee Stadium.  Today, David Ortiz tested positive for disappointment.

 

Two American journalists were reunited with their families on American soil after former President Bill Clinton successfully negotiated their release from North Korea.  The women said they were humiliated, degraded, forced to do unspeakable things—and that was just on the plane with Clinton.

 

The North Korean State Media is reporting that President Clinton apologized for the journalists’ behavior, but now Clinton denies ever making an apology.  And I believe him; after all, when Bill Clinton denies something, you can take it to the bank.

 

Kim Jong-il was initially offered a photo-op with Al Gore in exchange for the release of the two American journalists, but refused.  When asked why, Kim Jong-Il Said, “A conversation with him is torture even by our standards.”

 

President Obama will travel to the Grand Canyon next week. He’s planning on bringing Joe Biden and no witnesses.

 

The Obama family will visit several national parks next week during a “fee-free” weekend.  That’s when you can tell the economy is bad—when even the President’s freeloading. 

John McCain announced he would vote against the appointment of Sonia Sotomayor, saying that while she has an interesting backstory, she doesn’t have the proper qualifications.  Gee, who would ever pick a woman like that for something, John McCain?

 

Sonia Sotomayor watched her confirmation vote at a federal courthouse in New York City with friends and colleagues. Her publicist released this photo:

 

 

 

47 Continental Airlines passengers were kept on the runway in Rochester, Minnesota for nine hours Friday night because of thunderstorms. Couples took turns joining the Still-on-the-Runway Club. 

 

“G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” and “Julie & Julia” went head-to-head this weekend at the box office. This could explain the scene where Julia makes quiche with Sgt. Slaughter.

47 Continental Airlines passengers were kept on the runway in Rochester, Minnesota for nine hours Friday night because of thunderstorms. Couples took turns joining the Still-on-the-Runway Club. 

 

“G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” and “Julie & Julia” went head-to-head this weekend at the box office. This could explain the scene where Julia makes quiche with Sgt. Slaughter.

 

The 22nd Annual Shark Week broadcast just wrapped up on the Discovery Channel.  This year’s focus was shark attacks. As opposed to last year’s, which was shark good deeds.

 

Bob Dylan will release a new album of Christmas songs this fall.  And you thought Alvin and the Chipmunks were hard to understand.

 

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler fell off the stage while singing “Love in an Elevator” at a concert in South Dakota. Witnesses said he was lovin’ it up, then he hit the ground.

APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE

 

Heidi Montag of “The Hills” is on the cover of September’s Playboy Magazine. Meanwhile, Spencer Pratt is on the cover of September’s Douche Illustrated.

 

Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis tested positive for elevated testosterone levels and was suspended by the NBA for 10 games. Officials became suspicious when he led the NBA in home runs.

 

A court in New York has ruled that Ruth Madoff must clear all spending of $100 or more with the trustees handling her husband’s assets.  In related news, her husband must clear all spending of five cigarettes or more with the trustees handling his assets.

 

Or…

 

A court in New York has ruled that Ruth Madoff must clear all spending of $100 or more with the trustees handling her husband’s assets.  That’s odd—I thought the only one handling his assets was his cellmate.

 

A woman in Alaska was sentenced to 20 days in jail for letting her 7-year-old son drive while she was passed out drunk in the passenger seat. Man, it’s a good thing she’s not governor anymore.

 

Speaking of sharks, in Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5th Avenue, after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

 

 

A Spanish toymaker has developed a new breastfeeding doll for young girls. And you thought it was embarrassing when your son wanted to play with a Barbie.

 

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression. 

his could explain why today, Dora the Explorer asked viewers to help her find a really tall bridge.

A Spanish toymaker has developed a new breastfeeding doll for young girls. And you thought it was embarrassing when your son wanted to play with a Barbie.

 

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression.  This could explain why today, Dora the Explorer asked viewers to help her find a really tall bridge.

 

Scientists at Northwestern University have found that people who are most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation. When asked to explain their findings, the scientists said “Priests.”

 

New figures show that dentists in England and Wales earn an average of $151,000 each year—clearly doing something other than dentistry.

 

Researchers from the National Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio found that cheerleading causes the most serious sports injuries among high school and college athletes. But most of those are just male cheerleaders who get their asses kicked.

 

A Staten Island woman successfully sued Little League Baseball for $125,000 for not teaching her son how to properly slide, after the boy hurt his knee while attempting to slide into second base.  The woman knew there could be trouble when she met his coach—Stumpy McGee.

 

Police in Wyoming tasered a 76-year-old man for driving an antique tractor in a parade. Good luck with that beer summit.

 

Adam Lambert revealed that his fans have started throwing sex toys – such as leather whips and glow-in-the-dark handcuffs – on stage while he sings during the American Idol summer tour. And I guess the ladies throw a lot of stuff, too.

 

It was last week in 1892 that Andrew and Abby Borden were axed to death in their Massachusetts home, with their daughter Lizzie charged with their deaths. She was acquitted of the murders, but would later be sent to prison after she tried to steal back some sports memorabilia in Vegas.

 

The Nevada Supreme Court is considering letting O.J. Simpson out of prison while it reviews his conviction for kidnapping and armed robbery.  Apparently, police have been complaining about being really bored.

 

THIS IS THE WORST GROANER OF ALL TIME.  IT IS BY FAR THE WORST JOKE EVER PRINTED ON THIS SITE, AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE IT MAKES SENSE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED…

 

Anna Paquin is engaged to Stephen Moyer – her co-star on HBO’s “True Blood,” a show about vampires. If you want to buy them a present, they’re registered at Bed, Bats and Beyond.

 

And finally…

 

A man in Kenya offered Hillary Clinton 20 cows for her daughter Chelsea’s hand in marriage. Right idea, wrong Clinton.  

 

That’s three—three—Clinton jokes.  That’ll teach him to go save people’s lives!

 

Fin

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Here’s what I gots to say: I’m in Sebago Lake, Maine TONIGHT opening for the one and only TONY V at Point Sebago.  So if by some stroke of luck you’re there, come.

 

Also, I will be at Mottley’s Comedy Club NEXT weekend, opening for the one and only JUSTON MCKINNEY on both Friday and Saturday nights.  The shows are at 8, and tickets can be purchased HERE.

 

Have a good one!


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August 3rd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Happy Birthday to President Obama.  Tomorrow he turns 48—wait, I’m sorry, that’s his approval rating.

 

President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%. President Bush said it looks like he’s finally getting the hang of things.

 

Barack Obama’s physician reports the president is in great shape, saying “The guy is built like a rock, he could probably bench-press me.” Then he said the same thing about Michelle Obama.

 

President Obama drank beer with Sergeant James Crowley and Professor Henry Louis Gates at the White House. There was actually an awkward moment when one of them asked for something stiffer, and Nancy Pelosi showed up.

 

Gates said he and Sergeant James Crowley may go to a Boston Red Sox or Celtics game together. Sergeant Crowley had originally suggested a Bruins game, to which Gates said, “You’re kidding, right?”

 

President Obama’s Cabinet gathered this weekend for a retreat at Blair House to mark the administration’s sixth month in office. The whole thing is being paid for by money they still owe the IRS.

 

It was revealed the White House makes visiting politicians pay for their own lunches. They made the rule after a surprise visit from Al Gore.

 

Sarah Palin’s lawyer threatened to serve libel papers to a kindergarten teacher in Alaska for posting on her blog that she and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. If true, this would’ve been the second thing this summer Palin quit right in the middle of.

 

It’s rumored that Sarah Palin will get her own radio talk show next year. And here’s the weird part: her sidekick will be Baba Booey.

 

Senator John McCain has 1.1 million followers on Twitter. But in fairness, most of them are just following him to make sure he doesn’t wander off.

 

A presidential panel voted on Wednesday to allow private firms to operate commercial flights to the International Space Station. And you thought your Southwest flight to Vegas was rough.

 

Howard Dean guest hosted “Countdown” last week while Keith Olbermann was on vacation. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich just did a guest spot on Little People, Big World.

 

Washington, D.C. newspaper “The Hill” released its list of the 50 most beautiful people on Capitol Hill, with Representative Martin Heinrich of New Mexico comes in at number 1.  Better luck next time, Henry Waxman.

 

The Senate Finance Committee has discussed imposing a 10 percent tax on unnecessary cosmetic surgery – including hair transplants and Botox injections. Today, Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi discussed a 100% beatdown on the Senate Finance Committee.

 

California signed an $85 million budget on Tuesday which contains cuts to child welfare programs, health care for the poor and AIDS prevention efforts. Rush Limbaugh said it’s moments like this that make him proud to be an American.

 

It was on Thursday in 1956 the phrase “In God We Trust” was adopted as the U.S. national motto.  Up ‘til then, everybody thought God was a real poser.

 

The British Army is warning that many of its soldiers have become so fat that they couldn’t be deployed to conflict zones. To which the soldiers said, “Exactly.”

 

A new study finds that the rate of childhood obesity in the United States has tripled since 1984.  In fact if they were around today, The Fat Boys would just be known as The Boys.

 

New research finds that juices, tea and energy drinks can erode, shrink and stain teeth. The researchers arrived at their conclusion by reading the ingredients.

 

A man in Albuquerque, New Mexico has developed a device that converts Mountain Dew into fuel for car engines. The only downside to using Mountain Dew is that it supposedly lowers your car’s sperm count.

 

A man in Florida was arrested after he tried to get money from his roommate by attacking him with a wooden carving and a coconut. Apparently, he had been taking fighting lessons from Gilligan.

 

Wendy Maguire, a single mother, who’s also the mother of Tobey Maguire, will star in new reality show about Hollywood.  It’ll be like Denise Richards’ show, except it won’t make God cry.

 

Penn State was rated the number 1 party school of 2009 by Princeton Review.  University of Florida was #2.  Coming in a surprising third: Devry Institute Online.

 

1-800-Flowers.com will open a retail store on Facebook – the company already has applications on Blackberry and the iPhone. The company says this is all part of its plan to make sending flowers to someone even more impersonal.

 

A new study finds that divorce can hurt a person’s health, due to loss of sleep, stress, and lack of exercise. To which John Gosselin said, “I’ll take my chances.”

 

Kid Rock said in a Rolling Stone interview that “Twitter is gay” and that if anything relevant he has to say he will “bottle it up and then squeeze it onto a record somewhere.” So if you buy one of Kid Rock’s records, you may want to get it sterilized.

 

Due to positive feedback from listeners, Whitney Houston will move up the date of her comeback album “I Look to You” from September 1 to August 31. They’re moving it up a whole day.  This is great news if you’re a Whitney Houston fan—and a moth.

 

Shaquille O’Neal revealed on his Twitter page that he was denied entry to the White House on Monday after he walked up to the front gate, asking if he could see President Obama. Also, it probably didn’t help that he was dressed as Kazam the Rapping Genie.

 

A trapper in Florida caught a 14-foot python snake in a drainage pipe near a day care center. In related news, the daycare center can probably call off the search for little Jonathan.

 

A teenager in England tracked down a gang that stole his iPhone by using “Find My iPhone” app on the new 3GS version, which allows users to track down their phones if they are lost or stolen. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop him from being ambushed when he burst into their lair with his laptop and yelled “Aha!”

 

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

A man in Illinois is accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses because he enjoys being around eyewear. However, the guy says he’s been framed.

 

And finally…

 

A new survey from Wharton and Northwestern finds that big spenders tend to marry big savers. So I guess Michelle Obama is a big saver.

Fin

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