July 28th, 2009 at 12:59 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

THE JONOLOGUE

 

A Southwest Airlines flight on its way to Orlando made an emergency landing in Long Island after a flight attendant smelled smoke in the cabin – but it turns out there was no smoke or fire and the plane landed for nothing. Hey flight attendant—wanna get away?

 

President Obama’s primetime press conference marked his sixth month in office.  That’s good news for Obama, because he’s finally eligible for dental and paid vacation days.

 

During his interview on “The View” Tuesday, David Hasslehoff said that President Obama is “doing a great job, but he needs to be a little more entertaining.” Obama said he values Hasselhoff’s opinion, but still wants to hear Eric Estrada’s take.

 

This August, President Obama will rent Blue Heron Farm, a 28.5 acre vacation spot on Martha’s Vineyard. It has three separate residences, a swimming pool, a driving range, a small basketball court, and—most importantly—no bowling alley.

 

President Obama called on bloggers Monday to keep pressure on Congress about passing the healthcare reform bill. Because if there’s anyone who can jumpstart healthcare, it’s Perez Hilton.

 

Joe Biden wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Sunday New York Times defending the use of the $787 billion in President Obama’s economic Recovery Act. The piece was 800-words—or as Biden put it, “A short blurb.”

 

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd packed up their possessions at the Governor’s mansion in Juneau, Alaska before she officially resigned. They divided everything into two categories: air rifles and moose heads.

 

During her annual picnic in Wasilla on Friday, Sarah Palin told her guests to “never apologize for being Americans.” Then she let out a belch and crushed a beer can on her head.

 

Robert Buck–Times Square’s “Naked Cowboy”–announced his run for New York City Mayor. I think we can rule out at least one campaign question: “Boxers or briefs?”

 

Prison inmates in New York City are suing the Department of Corrections for isolating them for up to 23 hours a day in their cells. Man, I hope this doesn’t give prison a bad name.

 

Three mayors in New Jersey were arrested along with several rabbis and state lawmakers for laundering millions of dollars through Jewish charities. If convicted, they could face the stiffest of penalties: being forced to remain in New Jersey.

 

The U.S. Government bought 195 million doses of the swine flu vaccine, preparing for a massive outbreak in the fall. So we better get sick, or else they’ll really look silly.

 

Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall, where people can leave their prayers, now has its own Twitter page where people can tweet prayers that will be printed out and taken to the wall. It’s described as perfect for people who are religious and lazy about it.

 

Director Sam Raimi has been tapped to direct the “World of Warcraft” movie based on the popular online game. Raimi says he hopes the movie does the impossible: make the Harry Potter crowd look tough.

 

Scenes from next year’s “Iron Man 2” and the “Twilight” sequel were screened at Comic-Con. However, all sex scenes were cut, since they would just confuse everybody.

 

A producer on the CW’s “One Tree Hill” is hoping to turn the 2004 movie “The Notebook” into a Broadway musical—or as men are calling it, “a perfect storm of agony.”

 

Scientists have found new evidence suggesting that a modern human stabbed and killed a Neanderthal man 75,000 years ago. To which O.J. said, “Man, that Real Killer really got around!”

 

Scientists at NASA found evidence that a possible comet the size of Earth hit Jupiter last week. However, Jupiter’s still telling friends it walked into a door.

 

Scientists are saying that it takes children an average of 26 minutes to fall asleep. Which is actually pretty good—when you consider there was a guy in a lab coat there watching them.

 

A new survey among British men says proposing marriage is nearly as scary as swimming with sharks. But neither is as scary as proposing to a shark.

 

77 of Texas’s 254 counties are in severe drought, and officials are asking residents to stop using unnecessary water. So it looks like President Bush will have to find another place to use his Slip ‘n Slide.

 

A high school principal in West Virginia was fired for jumping on top of a pile of students during a cafeteria food fight. He didn’t’ do himself any favors when he yelled “Pig pile!”

 

Fox News reports that Osama bin Laden has as many as 45 kids. As a result, he’s been named an honorary Knick.

 

Michael Vick was released from federal custody, making him eligible to lobby for a return to football. However, experts say Vick has a long way to go before he’s out of the commissioner’s doghouse.

 

Samantha Ronson threw a bag of ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan’s clothing into the street after they got into a fight. That sounds mean, until you realize that’s now where Lindsay’s living.

 

A man in Ohio was arrested for making terrorist threats when he yelled at a telemarketer offering to extend his auto-service contract. Ironically, he was arrested just as he was sitting down to dinner.

 

Apple has approved an iPhone app that helps users find the nearest pot dealer. In fact, they’re going to introduce a follow-up app that helps find the nearest Pop Tarts and Doritos.

 

Justin Timberlake opened his $16 million, environmentally friendly golf course – Mirimichi – on Saturday near Memphis, Tennessee. In related news, JC Chasez spent the day at another golf course, fixing the windmill.

 

Gidget, the dog actor who portrayed the Taco Bell Chihuahua, died at the age of 15. The Geico Gecko gave his eulogy.

 

A woman in Arizona claims a hot penny on her car seat gave her third degree burns on her behind. On the bright side, she wound up with a free tattoo of Abraham Lincoln.

 

Game show host Alex Trebek turned 69 last week. His wife gave him the “yearly double.”

 

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

The FBI has arrested a man from Georgia labeled as the “limping bandit” – because he robbed 23 banks and limped as he walked away. Cops say the guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

 

And finally…

 

North Korea opened its first fast-food restaurant in Pyongyang.  Here’s a tip: the hot dogs—are just that.

Fin

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In Los Angeles?  So am I.  Tonight, I’ll be at the Westside Eclectic Theater at 10 PM at Who’s Available Tuesday Nights.  It’s funny: today was a Tuesday, and I was available, so it’s like fate.  More info HERE.  S’all for now, see ya’ll in the nextin’ week.  Nope, that’s not a thing, my bad.  Next week, I mean.

 

 

 

 


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July 20th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

THE JONOLOGUE

 

40 Years ago today, man landed on the moon. Neil Armstrong was the first to walk on the surface—which made it really awkward, when Buzz Aldrin stepped in gum.

 

Buzz Aldrin joined Neil Armstrong on the moon’s surface. Aldrin said he hadn’t planned on being an astronaut—but his name was Buzz Aldrin.

 

Michael Collins piloted the module - but only orbited the moon. Apparently, he couldn’t find a place to park.

 

After the two planted a U.S. flag on the lunar surface, they spoke with President Nixon. Nixon called it “the most historic phone call ever made…..” And he should know; he eavesdropped on just about all of them.

 

A brothel in Berlin is offering discounts to customers who arrive on bicycles. This could also explain why everybody in the Tour de France veered off-course.

 

President Obama threw out the first pitch at last week’s All-Star game.  Before the game, Rush Limbaugh said he hoped he balked.

 

President Clinton will be inducted as an honorary member of Phi Beta Sigma—a historically black fraternity.  The fraternity cited Clinton’s stellar race relations record, as well as his stance on big booties.

 

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham admitted to Sonia Sotomayor during her confirmation hearing on Monday that unless she has a complete meltdown, she will get confirmed to the Supreme Court. Then she shaved her head, crashed her car and tried to hit a cameraman with an umbrella.

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry chose an outspoken creationist to run the state Board of Education. So it’s good to see Sarah Palin’s landing on her feet.

 

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” won at the box office this weekend, earning an estimated $159.7 million during its first five days in U.S. and Canadian theaters, 20 million more than the last film two years ago. So at least the economy isn’t affecting virgins.

 

Pope Benedict gave his blessing to “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” In fact, he gave it two pointy hats up.

 

The Pope gave “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” its endorsement because good triumphs over evil. Way to blow the ending, Pope.

 

However, the Pope gave Bruno a thumbs-down because he didn’t think it was anti-gay enough.

 

A new study finds that 19 percent of couples who live together before getting engaged stand a good chance of splitting up.  The study also found that 100 percent of married couples who live with their eight kids and let a camera crew film it stand a good chance of splitting up.

 

Jada Pinkett Smith – Will Smith’s wife – said in an interview with “Shape” magazine that she and Will had sex in a limo on the way to the Academy Awards this year. Even stranger: Morgan Freeman was there narrating it.

 

Morgan Freeman has reportedly been romantically involved with his 27-year-old step-granddaughter for the last ten years. Today, Woody Allen called him and said, “I feel so close to you.”

 

1988 gold medal figure skater Brian Boitano will star in a daytime cooking show on the Food Network called “What Will Brian Boitano Make?” The answer: a fool of himself. 

 

Actor-comedian Cheech Marin turned 63 last week. When he blew out his candles, everybody in the room got high.

 

The World Health Organization said Monday that the new swine flu is unstoppable – and gave orders to make a vaccine. Yeah, good plan—except that you just said it’s unstoppable. Why bother making the vaccine if you can’t stop it?  HELLO???

APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE

 

Starbucks is taking the name off one of its stores in Seattle and changing it to one that reflects the neighborhood location. It will be called Starbucks Between Four Other Starbucks.  Starbuckses?

 

Wal-Mart is planning to create eco-ratings for all of its goods – hoping to spur companies to redesign greener products. They’re trying to make their products to be biodegradable—just like their elderly greeters.

 

Lindsay Lohan revealed on her Twitter page that she was forcibly grabbed by a stranger, angry at her for stealing the recipe to a fake spray tan. Believe it or not, that was actually the most normal tweet Lindsay has made.

 

More than 500 people gathered yesterday at a nudist camp in California to set a Guinness record for the world’s largest skinny dip. Even more amazing: four of them were actually attractive.

 

A new study finds that alcohol use in teenagers is influenced by genetic and environmental factors. This is especially bad news for Keith Richards’ son who lives in a wine cellar.

 

A new study finds that men who are more than nine years older than their wives are twice as likely to get divorced. When asked for proof, researchers said: “Two words: Larry King.”

 

Ryan Seacrest signed a three-year contract extension as the host of American Idol, worth $45 million – which will make him the highest-paid reality host ever. Not surprisingly, he will be paid entirely in hairspray.

 

Paula Abdul’s manager said she is very hurt that the producers of American Idol haven’t made her an offer to return as a judge, and it looks like she won’t be back. For her to return, Paula’s seeking a contract similar to Simon Cowell’s—or a boilermaker.

 

The Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile crashed into a house in Wisconsin. As a result, they’re thinking of turning the place into a Taco Bell.

 

And finally…

 

A 15-year-old girl in Staten Island fell into an open manhole as she was texting while walking. Or as she put it, “OMG I Just FIAOM!”

 

Fin

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Good to be back. See ya next week.

 

 


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