June 29th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Your move, Amy Winehouse.

 

Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager for $25,000 after he punched him outside a club in Toronto. The good news: it only costs $25,000 to punch Perez Hilton.

 

On last week’s episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” they had a some guys build playhouses for the kids.  The next day, Jon moved into one of them.

 

Coming to DVD tomorrow is the film Two Lovers.  It’s a biopic about Governor Mark Sanford.  KAPOW!

 

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny kicked her husband out of their home.  So, it looks like he finally gets to take that hike.

 

Sanford said it was difficult to tell his wife about an infidelity—to which Bill Clinton said, “Ah, you get used to it.”

 

Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir—to be published in the Spring of 2011, several months after President George W. Bush’s book comes out. To be sure the books aren’t redundant, Cheney made sure his contained no drawings of fire trucks.

 

During her visit to San Francisco, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. To which Chris Brown said, “Way ahead of ya.”

 

Chris Brown pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of community service for assaulting Rihanna.  Many say Brown is getting away with a slap on the wrist…and the arm…and a few more to the face….

 

Ruth Madoff was spotted riding the F train in New York City.  Meanwhile, a guy who calls himself “The F Train” was spotted riding her husband.

 

In New York, the Transit Authority announced that it’s selling the naming rights to New York subway stations.  The most appropriate sponsor: Flomax.

 

Robert Burck—aka the Naked Cowboy—will continue with plans to perform in his hometown of Greenhills, Ohio even though local residents consider his act indecent. He’s expected to be greeted with shame and ridicule—and that’s just his parents.

 

Astronomers have found evidence that suggests a possible life-breeding ocean inside Saturn’s moon, Enceladus. And today, Red Lobster called dibs on it.

 

A new study finds that higher levels of carbon dioxide in the oceans are making the ears of fish grow bigger. You know, I thought my Fillet-O-Fish looked a lot like Prince Charles.

 

In an interview with Spin, Marilyn Manson said that he was so upset about breaking up with his girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood, he cut himself 158 times on Christmas Day.  That’s almost 10 times more than he normally cuts himself on Christmas.

 

Beach Boys Brian Wilson and Bruce Johnston turned 67 last week.  They celebrated by playing the song “409”—which is also the time they ate dinner.

 

Nissan announced plans on Tuesday to mass produce zero-emission cars in 2012. Meanwhile, GM announced plans to mass produce zero total cars in 2012.

 

Shia LaBeouf and Michael Cera are being considered for the role of Mark Zuckerberg in a Facebook movie. You can tell it’s a Facebook movie, because every time the characters try to talk to each other, they freeze up or say the same thing twice.

 

Police were called to rescue a baby opossum stuck inside a soda machine at a gym in upstate New York.  But before they could get there, the guy that came along next put in a dollar and wound up getting two opossums.

 

A woman in California being held hostage in her home was saved by chance when a bill collector knocked on her door and called the police. Ironically, he was there to collect payment for her home security system.

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A retired police officer in California stopped a man from robbing a bank by putting him in a sleeper hold until he passed out. The cop called this his greatest moment since he put a jaywalker in a figure-four leg-lock.

 

Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. The bad news: every time a dog sniffs an ass, there’s a $10 co-pay.

 

GROANERS!  GROANERS!  THE FOLLOWING JOKES WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

 

A Japanese satellite crashed into the moon on Tuesday at a speed of 3,738 miles per hour. But in fairness, the moon did run a stop sign.

 

Tennis player Martina Navratilova is being sued for millions by her wife who claims she was dumped without warning after seven years together. Martina said they’re equally to blame; she says it was a double-fault.

 

A monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he spoke to reporters outside his State House office on Wednesday. And you don’t even want to know what the Man with the Yellow Hat did to him.

 

And finally…

 

The EPA says that the levels of 80 cancer-causing toxins are in the air in more than 600 U.S. cities. To which people in New Jersey said, “That’s all?”

 

Fin 

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Two weeks off, then back on July 14 JULY 23. SORRY GUYS.  So, let me plug a couple shows I am hosting at Mottley’s Comedy Club next weekend, July 10 & 11th, featuring the very talented Giulia Rozzi and Jamie Lee.  Tickets are available HERE.  I’m the Jack Tripper in this Three’s Company of comedy, and I encourage you to come be our Mr. Furley.  Have a nice Fourth.


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June 22nd, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre is likely to return, just after announcing yet another retirement.  Jeez, who would do something like that?

 

President Obama played Golf on Father’s day before taking the family out for frozen custard. Rush Limbaugh said he hopes it melted.

 

President Obama wrote an article for Sunday’s Parade magazine urging fathers to step up, admitting, “I have been an imperfect father. I know I have made mistakes…most notably when Sasha’s pet fly got loose…”

President Obama spoke for 56 minutes on Monday before the American Medical Association, the longest speech of his presidency—or as Joe Biden would call it, an “opening line.”

 

Senator John McCain said that Barack Obama has “done well” in his first five months as president. However, in fairness, he did admit that he’d nodded off for three of them.

 

First Lady Michelle Obama received a special Fashion Award last week. Diane Von Furstenberg noted her “meteoric rise as a fashion icon,” as well as her courageous efforts in the War on Sleeves.

 

President Obama has asked the Secret Service to block the media from viewing the White House visitor log, continuing a policy established by President Bush.  President Clinton had a similar policy…except he just blocked Hillary from seeing who visited.  Don’t get ahead of me, people.

 

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will undergo surgery after she fell and fractured her elbow.  Bill said he’s already preparing for the worst—Hillary pulling through.

 

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove–an elite, all-women’s club–after Republicans questioned her membership. Experts call this the biggest sacrifice for a Supreme Court nominee since Antonin Scalia was forced to resign from Color Me Badd.

 

A town in Arizona decided the winner of its tied town council election by having the two candidates draw cards.  So beat that, Iran.

 

Portugal has decided to accept one or two of the prisoners from Guantanamo; Spain and Italy have offered to take a few as well, but not the whole group.  Then, they said the same thing about Jon and Kate’s kids.

 

In Minnesota, a 31-year-old woman gave birth to quintuplets—or, as the Octomom put it, “underachieved.”

 

Myspace is laying off 30% of its workforce.  It made the announcement on its Twitter.

 

Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose in this bizarre accident during the opening number.



Michaels’ lawyer told him the case would likely get thrown out, on the grounds of being hilarious.

 

The FDA is warning that Zicam nasal spray can cause permanent loss of smell.  49 states demanded a recall; New Jersey demanded more.

 

It was revealed that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave. However, it’ll become obsolete tomorrow, when Apple introduces an even smaller liver that can hold more songs.

 

Singer Barry Manilow turned 66 last week—which means he’s almost old enough to like his own music.

 

Hugh Hefner admitted that he can’t tell his twin 19-year-old girlfriends apart.  Hefner’s 19-year-old girlfriend admitted she doesn’t know how to tell him he’s cross-eyed.

  

A man in Puerto Rico was arrested for stealing 88 pieces of underwear from his neighbor’s clothesline. Gee, if only there were some kind of machine that would make drying your underwear on a clothesline unnecessary.

 

Researchers at the University of California discovered that same-sex behavior can be found in almost all species in the animal kingdom.  And they could have a point; today, Chip ‘n Dale applied for a domestic partnership. 

 

A new study finds that Phoenix, Arizona is the best city in the U.S. for college graduates to find jobs.  The worst city in the U.S. to find a job: Circuit City.

 

A 15-year-old girl from Iowa won the National Texting Championship on Tuesday – taking home a prize of $50,000 for speed and accuracy.  The girl said the money should cover nearly a third of this month’s phone bill.

 

Shia LaBeouf confirmed that an Indiana Jones 5 is in the works. I don’t want to say Indy’s gotten old, but in this one, he spends two hours trying to figure out why his rabbit-ears TV won’t work anymore.  Which I guess would make him about 110.  Shut up.

 

Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee Joel, are separating after nearly five years of marriage. She’ll get the house; he’ll drive through it.

 

A man in New York was arrested after he dressed up as his dead mother for 6 years to collect her Social Security benefits. To make matters worse, he may also be forced to return the $50 he won at bingo.

 

A substitute gym teacher in New York was arrested for choking a 10-year-old student while they were arguing over a call in a dodgeball game. On the bright side, at least Latrell Sprewell’s working.

 

The New York Times is reporting that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003.  In related news, the New York Times report has tested positive for obviousness. 

 

Lucas Glover edged out Phil Mickelson to win his first major at the US Open at Bethpage Black today. Unfortunately, nobody saw it, because ESPN decided to cover Tiger Woods eating a sandwich.

 

Dozens of drunks taunted Tiger Woods on Saturday during the third round at the U.S. Open, with one yelling: “Suck it up, you’ve got your own video game!” That’s it—this time, John Daly has gone too far.

 

Police in Jamaica are looking for the thieves who stole over $1,000 worth of electronics from Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt’s home.  Bolt pursued the thieves in a chase that reached speeds of 100 miles per hour—but then he tripped.

 

A man in Delaware set off fireworks in the bathroom of an Arby’s restaurant on Thursday.  But in fairness, that’s a risk you take when you get the jalapeno bites.

 

83-year-old Dick Van Dyke is writing a memoir to be published in 2010.  It would have been done sooner, but he keeps tripping over the typewriter.  Oh jeez, here it comes…

 

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A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings—which still won’t stop idiots at the theater from pretending it’s not their phone going off.

 

In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest.  Parishioners suspected something was amiss when he started blessing people in the name of the Father, the Son and Judy Garland. 

 

The father of “American Idol” runner-up David Archuleta was arrested for hiring a hooker in Utah back in January. How shocking is that?  Utah has a hooker?

 

A man in England is auctioning off his dad’s ashes on eBay – claiming he abandoned him as a child. And today, Keith Richards e-mailed the guy to ask if he’d throw in a couple straws.

 

North Korea announced it is planning to fire a long-range missile toward Hawaii in early July. To which Japan said, “Way to blow it.”

 

The Jonas Brothers were interviewed for an hour on Larry King Live.  Things got a bit awkward when Larry kept referring to Nick as Ringo.

 

The British government is instructing teachers not to teach students the grammar rule “i before e, except after c” because there are too many exceptions. So there you go, kids.  When something’s hard to learn, skip it.

 

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

China may require people who want a sex change procedure to get approval from a police officer. Or they can just get a private dick.

 

And finally…

 

Chastity Bono has been undergoing treatments to become a man.  So far so good; today, Cher hit on him.

 

 

Fin 

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Just when I think I’m out…

 

It’s good to be back.  I gotta admit, it sure beats walking up to people on the subway and telling them Amy Winehouse jokes.  I’ll be at The Highlander in Acushnet, MA this Saturday night at 8 PM with Harrison Stebbins and Steve Bjork.  Talk to ya soon.


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June 1st, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied calling for a ban on Facebook during the country’s presidential election.  He said he did impose a ban on Myspace, but…nobody noticed.

 

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez began a marathon four-day edition of his television talk show to mark its tenth anniversary.  Chavez took the time to thank his viewers for watching, reflect on the show’s greatest moments, and announce that he would not be jumping to ABC.

 

Chavez uses his talk show to make policy announcements, berate opponents and make rambling speeches—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Rush Limbaugh.

 

Over the past week, North Korea has conducted an underground test of a nuclear bomb, test-fired several missiles and detonated other explosives.  And as if that weren’t bad enough, today they poured some Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke.

 

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is leading the charge against North Korea’s weapon testing.  And it’s getting nasty; today, Hillary said Kim Jong-Il is reckless, defiant, and has no idea how to wear a pantsuit.

 

Hillary Clinton surprised graduates at Yale University by showing up to accept an honorary degree.  Meanwhile, Bill surprised members of Kappa Kappa Gamma by showing up with some tequila and a Twister pad.    

 

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi visited China last weekend.  There was actually one awkward moment when a couple of geishas said “Hey, who’s the stiff face?”          

 

A reporter had to be dragged kicking and screaming from Air Force One, angry about not being able to hand-deliver President Obama a personal letter.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again—we’ve got to get Chris Matthews some help.

 

According to a study commissioned by the Geneva-based Global Humanitarian Forum, climate change kills 315,000 people a year—and most of those are people who will themselves to death when they see Al Gore coming over to chat about it.

 

Al Gore urged a group of 500 business leaders in New York to push for stronger global warming legislation, saying that “Mother Nature does not do bailouts.”  And from the looks of Al, neither do Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemima…

 

Florida was one of the states that had to slash a relatively low amount of jobs this year.  Experts say that might have something to do with the fact that everybody there is retired.        

 

The Social Security Administration is reporting that early retirements are up 25% over the past year—and that’s just Brett Favre.         

 

The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Denver Nuggets to move on to the NBA Finals.  That’s really not a surprise; after all, if there’s one place Kobe’s comfortable being aggressive, it’s Colorado.    

 

A Florida man and his wife claim they sold steroids to professional baseball players in Washington D.C.  When asked if they had indeed purchased steroids, members of the Nationals said, “Did we?  No.  Should we?  Well…”

 

A Japanese company is selling a horror story that is published on a roll of toilet paper.  Each sheet of toilet paper contains another page—or, you could just go to Wienerschnitzel and write your own horror story.

 

USA Today did an article on how the recession has forced many restaurants to expand their menus in order to appeal to a broader consumer base.  For instance, Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering grilled chicken; Pizza Hut is offering pasta; and McDonald’s is toying with the idea of selling beef.

 

A kitten in China is receiving attention, after it grew a pair of wings.  As a result, the kitten’s father is beginning to think that parrot that was always hanging around could have been more than “just a friend.”

 

In Philomath, Oregon, a Chihuahua and a border terrier scared off a cougar that wandered into the town.  Apparently, Madonna is more of a cat person.

 

Toys R Us announced that it has acquired financially troubled, upscale toy retailer FAO Schwartz.  Toys R Us is already putting their mark on the chain; in fact, the A in FAO is now backwards.  Take a minute…ah, funny, right?

 

A British woman has become one of the oldest moms on record, giving birth to a baby boy at the age of 66.  The woman spent today shopping for diapers and talcum powder—and tomorrow’s she’s gonna buy some for the baby.  Okay, now be honest, how far in advance did you see that one coming?  “Oldest?”  “A?”

 

In El Paso, Texas, a high school principal has filed an assault charge against the school superintendent after she failed to return a high five, and he wound up slapping her in the forehead.  On the bright side, at least he wasn’t giving her a fist-pound.

 

Amy Winehouse cancelled a planned comeback show in England due to a mysterious condition.  The mysterious condition: sobriety.  That’s sobriety.  Ah, Winehouse.  I’ll miss ya.

 

And finally…

 

A recent study out of England claims the less intelligent a woman is, the harder it is for her to have an orgasm. So at the end of the day, I guess out blondes actually have less fun.

 

Fin 

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Although I’m not positive, this could be the last new one of these for a while.  Let me just take this opportunity to thank you all for reading.  However, come back next week, I’ll be putting up a best-of.

 

One show to plug:  I’ll be at Kings Court in Hudson, NH this Saturday with Jimmy Dunn and Mike Prior.  Tickets are available HERE.

 

See ya.


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