May 25th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

The NBA and World Wrestling Entertainment were locked in a bitter dispute over arena privileges, as they were double-booked at the Pepsi Center on Monday night.  Sports writers are calling the situation a silly argument between a phony organization where all the outcomes are predetermined, and the WWE.           

 

Google is using a highly sophisticated algorithm to determine which of its employees are most likely to quit.  The system takes into account employee surveys, peer reviews, and people who sign each memo “So long, suckers.”       

           

A man in England is recovering, after falling 6,000 feet into a rocky mountainside after he failed to open his parachute while skydiving.  Even more amazing: the guy said the entire time he was falling, he still felt safer than he would have flying Continental.

 

Newsweek is reporting that Vice-President Joe Biden revealed the location of a top secret Vice-Presidential bunker while speaking at a high-profile dinner in the capital.  Fortunately, nobody there heard the location, because they had dozed off long before he got to it.

 

Experts are warning that GPS satellites are close to failing, and the system could be close to a breakdown.  GPS officials couldn’t be reached for comment, because they had just driven into a volcano.

 

I got a GPS not too long ago, and it’s very advanced.  I said I wanted to go to Cambridge, and it said “Take a right.”  I said I wanted to go to Somerville, and it said “Take a left.”  I said I wanted to go to Roxbury, and it said “Take a gun.”

 

People are still talking about Rachel Alexandra winning the Preakness.  Jockey Calvin Borel raised some eyebrows, after he ditched a male because he thought he’d have a better chance riding a female.  When asked why, Borel said, “Hey, it worked for Lindsay Lohan.”

 

Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski said that Americans need to scale back their consumerism because it is harming the environment.  Kulongoski said that staying at home and not spending any money could also allow Americans to focus on other issues, like fixing the economy.

 

The economy’s bad.  Today, Miss California lost her shirt!—And not in the fun way!

 

It’s hurting athletes.  Brad Penny—working at JC Penny.

 

It’s real bad.  Today I saw Scrooge McDuck at the park, fighting for bread.

 

The economy’s so bad, I’m back to buying visors, because I can’t afford the whole hat!

 

And finally…

 

In Australia, a kangaroo is recovering and expected to make a full recovery after it spent a week with an arrow lodged down the middle of his head.   Wildlife officials are calling the animal amazing; scientists are calling him a miracle; Steve Martin is calling him a hack.

 

I think this week’s Jonologue deserves this:

 

 

 

Mercifully…

 

Fin 

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How was your week?  Mine was pretty enjoyable…as the above offering likely proves.  Got to see a bunch of old friends, make a bunch of new friends, and took part in three great comedy shows.  Dartmouth College was a blast, and I can safely say that driving up there on such a nice day was probably the best ride to a comedy show I’ve had.  Sorry, Keene State in a rainstorm/Turners Falls in a blizzard.

 

Then on Friday and Saturday, I got to play at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA, and was even more blown away by how cool those audiences were.  This further cemented Salem as one of my favorite all-time towns…despite its pretty messed up tourism ploy.  I still maintain those broads could have been holding book club meetings—which, come to think of it, is pretty good cause for burning.  So never mind, I’m cool with it.

 

Three shows this week, but only two to plug:

 

1)I’m at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Friday.  It’s going to be a great, great show, with the likes of Dan Boulger, Shaun Bedgood, Bill Braudis, Chris Pennie and maybe another guy who I worked with at Dartmouth last week.  Hosted by Ken Reid.  8 PM, 10 bucks cheap, and tickets can be ordered in advance HERE.  Great show, don’t miss it.

 

2) I’m at the Italian Community Center in Beverly, MA at 8 PM on Saturday.  Gonna be swell.

 

That’s all I got for ya.  See ya next week, for what could be the last new one for a while.  Stay tuned.

 


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May 18th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Comedienne Wanda Sykes caused a controversy at the White House Correspondents Dinner when she made jokes comparing Rush Limbaugh to Osama bin Laden.  The next day, he called it outrageous to be compared to such a loathsome, vile being—and Limbaugh was pretty pissed, too.

 

On his radio show, Rush Limbaugh said the Democrats should be scared to death of the prospect of Sarah Palin being the Republican nominee in 2012.  So, it looks like Republicans and Democrats could finally have something to agree on.

 

The FDA sent a letter to General Mills criticizing the company for “serious violations” and gave it 15 days to fix packaging for Cheerios that says the cereal lowers cholesterol and treats heart disease.  In addition, the company will also be forced to change the packaging for Trix, after a class action suit brought by rabbits.

 

According to a new report many meals at popular restaurant chains are loaded with salt, which can increase a person’s chances of developing hypertension, heart disease, strokes, and kidney disease—all of which transformed Grimace from a successful tri-athlete to the poorly-circulated blob you see today.

 

A judge in Saudi Arabia has ruled it acceptable for men to beat their wives for spending lavishly.  When he heard the news, Chris Brown proposed to Rihanna, and announced they were moving to Saudi Arabia.

 

Singer Rihanna has reportedly recorded a new song that criticizes her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown, who allegedly assaulted her in February.  The song is expected to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “hit record.”

 

At a mass in Jordan, Pope Benedict called for a greater global respect for women—unless the women are applying to be a priest, a cardinal, a bishop or a pope.

 

It was reported that Madonna and her boyfriend would have a commitment ceremony at a Kabbalah center in New York this weekend.  They would have done it last weekend, but the kid didn’t want to miss his prom.

 

An increasing number of people who have serious medical conditions, such as diabetes, are tattooing their condition on their wrists rather than using bracelets.  Even celebrities are getting into the act, with Paris Hilton making it all the way to “Chlamyd.”

 

Boy George was released from a British prison on after serving four months for falsely imprisoning a male escort.  The remaining inmates celebrated by Boy George’s release by showering—for the first time in four months.

 

Two Washington state men were injured after they began urinating on what they thought was an empty car, when the angry driver got out of the car and attacked them.  Even more embarrassing was the fact the incident occurred at a Formula One race.

 

The first streaker ever at Citi Field, the New York Mets’ new stadium, ran onto the field and slid into second—or, as it’s called in baseball, the old unhidden ball trick.

 

And now it’s time for…

 

???A JOKE I WROTE THAT EVEN I DON’T GET???

 

Officials in Italy are investigating the alleged involvement of the mafia in the construction of several wind farms.  This could explain why today, the guy leading the investigation woke up to find his ceiling fan in his bed.  And that’s how we play…

 

???A JOKE I WROTE THAT EVEN I DON’T GET???

 

Scientists are saying that a massive tsunami wave crashed into what is now New York City 2,300 years ago, scattering seashells and debris as far as Long Island and New Jersey.  And today, FEMA finally showed up to help out.        

 

A new study shows that people are not wired to be texting while driving.  I believe it was published in the New England Journal of Common Sense.                      

 

At a conference in Washington, former Secretary of State Colin Powell said the GOP is in trouble, and that the Republican Party is shrinking.  Then he looked at Rush Limbaugh, and said, “Well, maybe not all of it.”

 

DEATH NOTICES

 

One of the last remaining Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz has died at the age of 89.  His remains were placed in an urn.  The amazing part: he wasn’t even cremated. 

 

And finally…

 

The Cavs and Magic will meet this week in the Eastern Conference Finals.  Kevin Garnett is not expected to play.  Hey, you dish ‘em out, you take ‘em, folks.

 

Fin 

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Three shows to plug this week:

 

1)I’ll be at Dartmouth College this Thursday with Joe List and Tom E. Morello.  Bring it on, smart kids.

 

2)I’ll be at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA this Friday at 8 PM.  Bring it on, witches.

3) I’ll be at the Griffin Theatre in Salem AGAIN on Saturday, at 8 PM.  Bring it on, townsfolk.

 

Go Nuggets.

 


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May 11th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

As a result of testing positive for a banned substance, Manny Ramirez will have to sit out 50 games.  So, it’ll be just like any other season. KA-POW!!!

 

151 million Mothers Day cards were sent this year—and that was just to the Octomom.

A computer hacker has been charged with breaking into the Twitter accounts of Britney Spears and Ashton Kutcher.  Twitter suspected someone had hacked into Britney’s account when her tweets began to make sense.

 

Radio giant Clear Channel announced it is cutting 590 jobs due to the recession.  The way they made the cuts was pretty insensitive; apparently, they told their employees, “If you want to keep your job, just be the twelfth caller!”

 

The State Department has started a new Musical Overtures program, which sends musicians to the war zones of Iraq and Afghanistan in hopes of sending the message that music is “universal.”  At least, that’s what they’re telling Celine Dion.

 

In Quartz Hill, California, a 17-year-old girl used a marching band baton to fight off two would-be muggers.  To show you how rough the neighborhood is, it happened during a parade.    

 

Activists in the Kenya are urging women to withhold sex for a week to protest the growing divide in the nation’s coalition government, and are even willing to pay prostitutes to withhold sex as well.  So they’d have a bunch of whores getting paid not to work—or as we call it here, “Congress.”

 APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE

 

President Obama jumbled a joke at a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration held on May 4, when he referred to it at “Cinco de Cuatro,” which translates to five of four.  When he heard the news, President Bush said, “100 days on the job, and the guy already thinks he can speak French.” 

 

Most businesses in Mexico reopened Wednesday after being closed for five days because of swine flu, but they now face a complex set of new health restrictions that includes a mandatory two empty seats between people at movie theaters—thus making “The Ghost of Girlfriends Past” a surprising key to recovery.

 

Jennifer Aniston said recently that she would participate in a “Friends” movie, but only if they make it before they all get “old.”  Which I think is actually Jennifer Aniston’s way of saying she won’t participate in a “Friends” movie.

 

In what’s being called a medical breakthrough, a Japanese scientist is on the verge of discovering a way to to grow a human organ inside of a sheep—to which farmers in Kentucky said, “So?”    

 

The favorite to win the Kentucky Derby, I Want Revenge, was scratched hours before the race.  As a result, his name has been changed to Never Mind, We’re Cool. 

 

This week, Chanel, who has been named the world’s oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old.  And man, did that bitch get wasted.

 

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper, which he found in an old book he bought years ago.  The recipe: 1) a cup of cola; 2) a cup of root beer; 3) stir.

 

In New York, a woman who worked for a major jewelry manufacturer has admitted to stealing 500 pounds of gold over the course of six years by smuggling it out piece by piece in her purse.  Authorities believe the woman was taking the jewelry to supplement her other career as Flavor Flav’s dentist.         

 

The latest message from Somalia’s Al-Qaeda-backed Al-Shabaab wing is an 18-minute hip-hop video that features a guy rapping.  Al-Qaeda says it hopes the video strikes fear into the hearts of the infidels, and gets nominated for a VMA.        

 

One of Britain’s leading forensic scientists has created a clay sculpture of the earliest known European face.  Apparently, he was able to make a cast for the sculpture when Keith Richards fell asleep.

 

In London, a man and a woman were arrested for having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle while the Queen was inside.  Her Majesty was irate when she heard the news, especially since she’d asked for two chicks.    

 

According to a new survey, the French spend more time sleeping than any other country, finally explaining their cheery disposition.

 

The French Navy seized 11 pirates Sunday after they mistook a French warship for a commercial ship and made a run at it off the coast of Kenya.  How unbelievable is that?  France has a warship?   

 

The Swiss government has rejected an effort by a man to register the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community because of the offensive name.  As a result, the man has changed the name to the much less ridiculous Satan of Orgasm Church.

 

A judge has denied former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich the travel visa that would allow him to appear on the NBC reality show, “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Outta Here.”  The good news: he still stands an excellent chance of appearing on another reality show—“Lockup.”

 

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

In Los Angeles, auditions are underway for a new musical based on the Octomom, Nadya Suleman.  They plan on calling it “Octomamma Mia!”

                                                                              

Fin 

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I am appearing along with Dave Rattigan, Juston McKinney (two Tonight Shows!) and Joe Wong (a recent Late Show!) at Palio’s Italian Grill in Lexington, MA THIS SATURDAY.  It’s gonna be a great, great show, and I am thrilled to be part of the lineup.  Have a nice week.


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May 4th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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CAUSE & EFFECT

 

 

The H1N1 Swine Flu

 

That’s the big story everyone.  Posing a threat as the most damaging global pandemic since Spice World, the H1N1 Swine Flu has been all over the news over the past week.  Some people say it’s dying.  Some say it could come back.  While others with no immediate prospects are shaking hands with everyone, showering at the gym and essentially daring fate to bring it on.  How has H1N1 changed our society?  Here now, a Cause & Effect breakdown of The Swine Flu.

 

CAUSE: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says department preparing for swine flu pandemic the same way it would a hurricane. 

EFFECT: FEMA preparing relief packages to send a week late.         

 

CAUSE: U.S. lawmakers say key to preventing the spread of the swine flu is securing the Mexican border. 

EFFECT: Homeland Security: “Thanks, we needed the laugh.”

 

CAUSE: Doctors warn that wearing facemasks can be dangerous, as they lead people to take risks they shouldn’t be taking. 

EFFECT: Sarah Palin explains to her kids that facemasks don’t qualify as an effective birth control method.           

 

CAUSE: Airports begin detaining travelers who look ill.

EFFECT: Rolling Stones cancel their summer tour.

 

CAUSE: Texas Governor Rick Perry requested that over 37,000 doses of Tamiflu be sent to Texas from the Strategic National Stockpile. 

EFFECT: Perry so busy requesting help from the U.S., he barely has time to talk about seceding from it.  (Applause, applause, applause).   

 

CAUSE: In Mexico, soccer teams play to empty stadiums because of the swine flu scare.

EFFECT: Washington Nationals: “Uh—yeah, us too.”    

 

CAUSE: Egypt outlaws kissing or excessive physical contact. 

EFFECT: Men in country report a lower-than-normal number of “pants pyramids.”

 

CAUSE: Egypt orders all 300,000 pigs in the country slaughtered immediately. 

EFFECT: Wienerschnitzel announces merger with Egypt.                          

 

CAUSE: Egypt orders pigs slaughtered, despite the fact they are not responsible for spreading the virus. 

EFFECT: Experts said they hadn’t seen a group attacked like this for something they weren’t behind since we invaded Iraq.  What???  Who said that???

 

CAUSE: The World Health Organization says all countries should prepare for the worst, especially the poorer ones. 

EFFECT: We’re screwed!

 

And in other news, it’s time for…

 

THE JONOLOGUE

 

 

General Motors has announced plans to close most of its U.S. factories for nine weeks this summer, due to slumping sales.  This makes GM the first Detroit-based organization to take an entire season off since—well, the Lions.      

 

In last weekend’s game against the Yankees, Boston’s Jacoby Ellsbury became the first Red Sox player in ten years to steal home—I’m sorry, “foreclose” on it.

 

The CEO of AirTran wants the airline to be the first to fly from the U.S. to Cuba if travel restrictions are lifted.  Travelers could expect limited perks, stale food and zero internet access—and the flight over there would be even worse.                       

 

Myspace co-founder Chris DeWolfe announced he is stepping down from his job as CEO of the social networking site, after its recent decline in popularity.  Ironically, this is the first anyone’s heard of the decision, since he announced it on Myspace.   

–          

It’s believed Arlen Specter may have switched to the Democratic party to boost his reelection chances.  I don’t want to say Specter switched sides just for publicity, but his new Secret Service codename is Lindsay Lohan.

           

Admiral Blair Dennis Blair said torturous interrogation techniques are bad, because the damage they do to our global image outweigh their immediate benefit.  Then, he said the same thing about Subway’s Five Dollar Foot-Longs.               

 

A Saudi court has sided with a man who divorced his wife via text message.  When asked how he felt about the ruling, the man said “I’m happy, relieved, and LMAO.”

 

In Colorado Springs, a pregnant woman is recovering from minor injuries after she was hit by a car while running from a bear.  Even more amazingly, it turns out the car was being driven by a bobcat.

 

In New York, a group of scientists say they have created an alternative to Viagra that can be applied by rubbing it directly into the skin.  I just hope they don’t hire the same ad guys as HeadOn.

 

In Charleston, West Virginia, a woman is charged with trying to sell her five-month-old son in order to pay for a new apartment.  Authorities are calling the woman troubled; parenting groups are calling her a disgrace; Madonna is calling her with an offer.        

 

Fin 

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Three things to mention this week: First of all, I will be hosting this Wednesday night May 6 at The Burren in Davis Square.  Show is at 10pm , and is absolutely FREE.

 

Next, I am going to be at The Claddagh in Lawrence on Friday night with Jim Dunn of Sox Appeal, Joe Wong of The Late Show with David Letterman, and Dave Rattigan of Sirius XM and my mom’s hometown.  The show is at 7pm.

 

Third, I am going to be at the Dover Bowl in Dover, NH on Saturday night.  The show begins at 9, and more information can be found here.

 

Last, I do not care for Joakim Noah.

 

That is all.  See ya next week.


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