Texas Governor Rick Perry said voters in the state could get so fed up with the federal budget mess, they may want to secede from the union. This would have a tremendous effect on American culture; for instance, Walker Texas Ranger would instead be known as Walker Foreign Ranger.
People in New York were frightened when one of the twin 747s that serve as Air Force One flew alarmingly close to the city for a planned photo op. That’s right, one of the two, twin 747s that serve as Air Force One. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say how delighted I’ve always been that our government’s plan for presidential air travel is the same plan the producers of Full House had for Michelle.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said the U.S. is ready to talk to Cuba. Her first order of business is finding out where Castro gets those nifty, retro pantsuits.
As part of a new effort to pay off Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign debt, supporters can pay as little as five dollars for a chance to spend the day with former President Bill Clinton. In order to be eligible, bidders are required to submit a valid credit card number and bra size.
Georgetown University says it was asked to cover up the monogram symbolizing Jesus Christ while President Obama spoke at the school this week. Apparently, the president’s aides felt having the symbol for Jesus in the background at an Obama speech would be a little redundant.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy recently indicated that President Obama is “weak” and “indecisive.” Then he said, “In other words, he’s our kind of guy.”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech that was so offensive, several European diplomats actually walked out. I don’t want to say this is bad news for Ahmadinejad, but his new Secret Service codename is Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
iTunes is now charging users $1.29 for new downloadable music, up from just 99 cents. The good news: you can now save an extra 30 cents when you download it illegally.
A group of musicians have recorded a love song written by legendary mob boss Al Capone while he was in prison, called Madonna Mia. To which A-Rod said, “Is there anyone you haven’t dated?”
Madonna was injured in a horseback riding incident in the Hamptons. The good news: her hospital room is right next to the nursery.
People are still talking about the Yankees’ 22-4 loss to the Indians, for the sake of this joke. I haven’t heard about someone getting pounded like that in New York since—well, Bernie Madoff.
Two Washington Nationals players were forced to take the field with the team’s name misspelled on the front of their jerseys. The guys said they didn’t mind the mistake, as for one fleeting moment, it gave them a chance to deny that they play for the Nationals.
Scientists are saying that human obesity is playing a hand in the global warming crisis. Today, Al Gore said he was going to make some changes in his life—starting by denouncing the theory of global warming.
Scientists are saying that human obesity is playing a hand in the global warming crisis. The good news: today, the Olsen Twins were nominated for a Nobel Prize in environmentalism.
The Boston Herald is reporting that the original Filene’s Basement may be forced to close up for good. The good news: Filene’s son might finally have to move out and get an apartment of his own.
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I’ll be at Shooters Pub in Exeter, NH this Saturday night at 7:30 $8, 21+. See ya then.
(UPDATE: This has been called off. Sorry, folks.)
Vice-President Biden threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Oriole’s Camden Yards on Opening Day. You could tell it was thrown by Biden, because it went long and missed the mark completely.
In the gunfight that ensued to rescue Captain Richard Phillips, three Somali pirates were killed, and one was captured. Experts said they haven’t seen a group of pirates get beat this bad anywhere since—well, Pittsburgh.
Some moral and legal issues have been raised about the surviving Somali pirate’s legal status, as he could be younger than 18 years old. And his problems don’t end there; today when she heard the kid might be going to jail, Madonna broke up with him.
President Obama’s science advisor John Holdren has introduced a new global warming plan that would shoot pollution particles into the earth’s upper atmosphere to reflect the sun’s rays. The tactic will be known as Operation: We’re Rubber, You’re Glue.
The Washington Post noted that the new White House dog, Bo, is very taken by President Obama, and likes to follow him around obediently—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Chris Matthews.
President Obama is expected to lift restrictions and make it easier for Americans to travel more freely to Cuba. To which Yankees scouts said, “Oh…it’s good to hear we can start doing that just now…”
Kevin Garnett is expected to miss the playoffs completely. The good news: today he was named an honorary Knick.
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Caseworkers in Arizona have discovered a new trend of older couples looking to adopt school-age children—or, as it’s normally called, “kidnapping.”
In New York, two dozen people auditioned to become a clown with Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Not surprisingly, they all arrived in the same car.
U.S. ship captain Richard Phillips reportedly escaped his pirate captors by saying he had to relieve himself, then jumping overboard. Which I think, more than anything, tells you all you need to know about the male mentality. “Yeah, I know there’s two million dollars in ransom at stake—but there’s no way I’m holding that guy’s hand while he pees.”
Chrysler has unveiled a new Jeep Grand Cherokee SUV that only gets 20 miles per gallon. Not to be outdone, GM has unveiled a new Hummer that runs solely on vintage champagne.
General Motors and Segway on Tuesday introduced the PUMA, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is designed to be a fast, safe, inexpensive and clean alternative to ever getting laid.
The Manhattan district attorney’s office has stopped a plot to smuggle nuclear weapons material to Iran through unwitting New York Banks. Apparently, the culprits blew their cover when they wrote “nuclear weapons material” on a deposit slip.
Voters in Winfield, Missouri re-elected their mayor for a fourth term, about a month after his death. Voters said they were turned off by his opponent’s negative campaign that accused the mayor of, among other things, being dead.
Despite warnings from the US and other world leaders, North Korea launched a missile which they claim put a satellite into orbit that is broadcasting “immortal revolutionary songs” praising Kim Jong Il. Which raises the question: who at Sirius XM thought it would be a good idea to start a Kim Jong Il channel?
A soccer referee in England handed out a yellow card recently when a player loudly passed gas, causing the opposing team to miss a penalty kick. The ref said he only gave the man a yellow card because there’s no such thing as a brown one.
Vermont became the fourth state to legalize gay marriage when its legislature overrode the Governor’s veto of the bill. So whenever you’re ready, Ben & Jerry. (I had it before Stewart, just ask Nick French—but you did too, probably).
ETA 4/14 9:47 PM: Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles on Monday. Did you see his mugshot? Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…
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Two quick notes: I’ll be at The Gold Room in Portland, ME this Friday at 8:30, and at the Onion Town Grill (ETA:) Lowell Brewery Exchange this Saturday in Danvers Lowell at 8 with Jimmy Dunn and Tony V and other great folks! (TICKETS AVAILABLE HERE). Hope to see you there.
Another not so quick note: congratulations to Joe Wong, who taped what we heard was a phenomenal set at The Late Show with David Letterman yesterday!!! It’ll be on this Friday night around 12:15 or so, on CBS. If you have not seen Joe, seriously, tune in. A hilarious, great guy who just made Boston comedy history.
So how was your Easter, Passover, or weekend, depending on your beliefs? Mine was pretty decent. Got to visit with my Uncle Johnny on Saturday, who was a merchant marine for many, many years. Interesting to get his take on the pirate situation. How unbelievable is that crap? When I was a kid, I was always told that things would be better, things would be easier, the world would be a happier place for our kids than it was for our parents. Who would have thought, in the year 2009, we’d be dealing with a stock market crash, an impending asteroid disaster—and pirates. Pirates!
But at least they finally got the guy out of there. Apparently, it all occurred when the U.S. realized they have the world’s largest military at its disposal—and the other guys are pirates. And now they’re bringing the surviving pirate to trial in New York. Well, that ought to be a good one. “Sir, please place your hook on the Bible and repeat after me…” What’s the maximum sentence for pillaging nowadays, anyway? Do they have to pick trash up off the highway? “No, I don’t need a wooden stake, I’ll just use my right leg.” And does he get a jury of his peers? “All in favor of an acquittal?” “Arrrrr!” “The arrrrrrs have it!” (With an assist from Tom E. Morello on the last one)
Anyway, at least that made it a Happy Easter in the end. I think Easter is one of the rare holidays that are actually better as an adult. The stupidity of the Easter Bunny has been discussed ad nauseam over the years, but for me, the worst part was having to go to the mall and sit on his lap. My parents would actually bring me and my sister to the mall to talk to him. What a stupid thing. What kid with the power of speech actually gets a good feeling from this activity? Santa? I can see that. He’s a human being, and he has a beard, and yeah, maybe it’s him. But we’re talking about a guy in a bunny suit. His mouth is a big, black mesh disgrace that looks like a speaker. Talking to him is like ordering from a drive-thru. And what would you possibly say other than “bring me candy”? My last time up, I went for it all. I asked the Easter Bunny for a Sega Genesis, and I actually think he had a stroke. One of his ears went totally limp. It happened. Why would I lie?
The Tooth Fairy was actually more believable to me as a kid. An attractive woman in skimpy clothes, coming into my room to violate me—and I get paid? Why wouldn’t I want to believe that? Unfortunately, turns out my Dad was the force behind that one. Which made for an interesting misunderstanding on my part: one night, I actually woke up, just as the door to my bedroom was being close. I looked under the pillow—boom! There’s a dollar! The Tooth Fairy was still in the building. So I crept to my door, opened it up and heard 220 pounds walking back down the stairs. “Wow,” I thought. “That Tooth Fairy’s a lot of woman!”
I don’t remember how old I was when I found out about the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, but I remember the exact day I found out about old Santa. It was December 15, 1992. That’s right, I held out until age nine. I remember it, because I was home sick with strep throat or something, and my favorite ballplayer at the time, Wade Boggs had that day left the Red Sox to sign with the Yankees. That’s right—it was 10 days to go before Christmas, I had sent my letter, made my list, all that—only to find out it was all a sham. When I said this to my dad—who did the honors—he said, “Well, maybe we just wanted you to behave for a while.” Touché, Dad. Touché. My dad was actually very nice about it all—or, at least tried to be. Being the good dad he is, he actually brought along an Encyclopedia Britannica (remember those?), and opened up to the page on Saint Nicholas, telling me how he had existed at one point, and brought everyone presents. So I wasn’t just told there was no Santa Claus. I was told, “There was a Santa. But he died. Of strep throat. Which he caught from Wade Boggs. Feliz Navidad.”
Anyway, I’ll wrap this up this week with a little something that’s been percolating in my mind for the past few weeks. Every time I take 95 from New Hampshire to Boston, I see a Snickers billboard up that says “Get Dunked on by Patrick Chewing.” Of course, it’s a reference to this commercial:
“Chew” is a funny word, though, because it rhymes with so many things. So I thought I’d take this time, in case anyone from Snickers is reading, to suggest a few new prototypes of my own.
Haven’t showered in a few days? Fall in a dumpster? Wash your clothes in a furnace? Perhaps you…
Feel like being a tragic footnote in rock and roll history? Maybe you…
Feel like being a tragic footnote in rock and roll history? Maybe you…
It’s almost travel season. Maybe you get a lousy travel agent, and wind up…
Ever feel misunderstood by your peers? Perhaps you…
Refuse to see Bird on a Wire? Maybe it’s because…
Edited to add: Sugartits.
Or, the worst one:
There’s a hunger inside me. See ya next week.
Scientists are saying that a possible solar storm in the year 2012 could do the unthinkable: get people to actually tune in to the Weather Channel.
Many royal watchers feel that First Lady Michelle Obama violated the rules of protocol when she touched the queen on her back instead of curtseying when they met for the first time. The furor only grew, however, when the First Lady said goodbye to the Queen with a fist-pound.
It was announced that Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn and Jim Carrey will star in an upcoming Three Stooges film directed by the Farrelly Brothers. Of course, the Stooges were a group of shifty guys out to make a quick buck, only to fumble it all away in the end—or as Bernie Madoff would call them, “visionaries.”
Honda this week unveiled a mind-reading device that is able to translate thought patterns and relay them as commands to a human-shaped robot—a breakthrough that could forever revolutionize the capabilities of love dolls.
Doctors at a Miami hospital say they have discovered a so-called “miracle fruit” that can turn sour tastes into sweet tastes. They say that if you eat the fruit, and then eat barbeque sauce, it will taste like honey. Or, you could just eat honey.
Due to a conflict over offshore tax savings between China and France, French President Nicolas Sarkozy had threatened to give up on the G20 Summit. And if there’s one thing the French take seriously, it’s giving up.
President Obama traveled Europe with an entourage of 500 people. This breaks the old record, held by Oprah.
First Lady Michelle Obama announced plans to build a vegetable garden on the lawn of the White House. This could also explain why Joe Biden was seen walking around dressed as a scarecrow.
A boat captain has produced an amazing video, which shows over 200 killer whales circling in the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. See, that’s when you know the drug wars are getting bad, when even the killer whales are circling.
According to a study, when hamsters were given Viagra to deal with the stress of jet lag, they did 50 percent better with the Viagra. The bad news: they found it more difficult than ever to run on that little wheel.
To celebrate its 25th anniversary, Jeopardy is giving 25 viewers a trip to the Galapagos Islands with show host Alex Trebek, marking the first time that Trebek will travel with viewers. What is a painfully awkward two weeks? (Ding!)
A New York Fox News reporter was arrested this week after he was allegedly driving drunk and hit a NYPD horse. The man was actually relieved when told he’d struck a horse, as he at first thought he had hit Greta Van Susteren.
Fox is creating a new dating show called “More to Love,” which will feature husky guys dating plus-size women. Either way, the show will likely do better than it would have under its original title, “Knockin’ Cankles.”
Dozens of out-of-work New Yorkers participated in the Unemployment Olympics. Because none of its participants have actual careers, the games bore a striking similarity to another event—the actual Olympics.
GROANERS! GROANERS! THE FOLLOWING JOKES—THAT’S RIGHT, JOKES PLURAL—WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
An Orange County woman is accused of stealing another woman’s identity to get a pair of new breasts, and then going on the run. Police were able to catch the woman by setting up a booby trap.
The woman has been charged with one count of identity theft, and two counts of regular titty theft.
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First off, congratulations to the great and awesome Joe Wong, who will be making his television debut on The Late Show with David Letterman!!! Joe is one of the all-time great guys and hilarious comics, and it couldn’t happen for a better guy. As far as I know, the date’s still up in the air, but check out the Comedy Studio message board for further details.
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Now, moving on to another topic…I say this sucks.
Believe me, there is plenty to say here. And I almost did. But when the high road works, why stray from it? My biggest argument is, if you’re a comic and you catch a break in primetime on the Leno show, your friends and family in Boston would right now be left in the dark. It sounds like it won’t be necessary, but if you feel so inclined, join this group (which I didn’t start, but wholeheartedly support).
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Hey, did you see this month’s New Hampshire Magazine? I’m in it, along with Jimmy Dunn and Lauren Verge. Read it HERE. Also, I assure you I did not mean to imply Louis CK was unsophisticated. And since he reads New Hampshire Magazine front to back, I feel that’s important to say.
Great to see so many old friends Friday night at the Ashworth. I showed up to do a guest set, and wound up hosting a cool fundraiser with Jimmy Dunn. I guess because it was so last minute, I didn’t have time to get nervous performing in front of a bunch of my former teachers. I’d forgotten how supportive that crowd can be. Great to see Mr. Muscara, Mr. Croteau (the funniest teacher ever), Mr. Flemming, Mrs. Souney, Mrs. Thompson, Mrs. Waterhouse, the Osbornes, and others I’m sure I’m forgetting.
That’s all he wrote. Take care.