USA Today published a column, urging Oscar attendees to stop wearing bright lipstick on the red carpet. Even stranger was the fact that it was directed at Ryan Seacrest.
It’s been reported that Barack Obama is moving towards a Swedish model of banking. In related news, it was reported President Clinton is moving towards a Swedish model named Viveka.
Barack Obama treated his wife Michelle to a Valentine’s Day dinner at the upscale Table Fifty-Two restaurant in Chicago. Unfortunately, the meal was ruined, when their waiter turned out to be former Governor Rod Blagojevich.
The New York Times is reporting the Obama Administration may enforce stiffer penalties for air polution. As a result, New Jersey announced plans to secede from the union.
Despite California’s economic crisis, it’s being reported that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will make a cameo in Sylvester Stallone’s upcoming movie “The Expendables.” The Governor’s asking price to appear in the film: $41 billion.
It’s being reported that former Vice-President Dick Cheney is furious with President Bush for failing to pardon former aide Scooter Libby. This could explain why all the running water in Bush’s house has suddenly turned into molten lava.
Researchers at Cornell University think they may have discovered a way to create human skin using cotton candy. This could also explain why Nancy Pelosi has been spending so much time at the circus.
Nancy Pelosi met with Pope Benedict at the Vatican. The Pope told Pelosi that Catholic politicians have a duty to protect life at all stages of its development, urged her to embrace a prolife philosophy, and asked her, “What the hell happened to your eyes?”
Sen. John McCain is saying that President Obama failed to include Republicans in writing the big economic stimulus bill. McCain said he hadn’t been left out of a decision this big since they picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate.
Officials were frantically searching for billionaire Allen Stanford, who is suspected of committing fraud involving up to $8 billion, and may have been involved with laundering money for a Mexican drug cartel. Officials are calling Stanford a possible felon; investors are calling him a disgrace to mankind; Bernie Madoff is calling him a welcome distraction.
Texas health officials ordered the recall of products from a plant run by the company at the center of that big peanut salmonella outbreak, after they found dead rodents inside the factory. Well that’ll make you think twice before you buy another jar of chunky.
In Sandy, Utah, a man who brought his newly purchased car in to see why the gas gauge always read half full learned that 35 pounds of marijuana had been stashed in the fuel tank. This could also explain why the man caught Michael Phelps sucking on the exhaust pipe.
Lawyers for the eight people arrested in connection with the Michael Phelps pot smoking photograph said that their clients harbor no bitterness toward Phelps. This is largely due to fact they’re still really high.
Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz said that any player who uses steroids should be suspended for an entire season. The commissioner agreed, and as a result, the season has now been cancelled.
The ACLU is suing a Florida school board for preventing students from forming an organization that promotes gay tolerance—or as we called it at my high school, “drama club.”
NBC is creating a new show starring life coach Tony Robbins, in which he will help people make better decisions. The show’s first subjects: the NBC executives who gave Tony Robbins a show.
In Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman captured a car burglar by getting him in a headlock and giving him a wedgie. The woman called it her proudest moment since stopped a bank robber by giving him a purple nurple.
Scientists are saying that toddlers who point at things are more likely to develop a broad vocabulary. Meanwhile, toddlers who point, click and wink are more likely to become pompous phonies.
Scientists say they have discovered the exact same species inhabiting both the North and South Poles. The species: white people.
A new statue is being built in England which will be the nation’s largest: it’s a 164 foot high white horse. Once completed, the horse will be joined by a matching statue of her husband, Prince Charles.
On a recent trip to Sierra Leone, actress Salma Hayek breastfed a stranger’s baby when his mother ran out of milk. After he finished, the kid had a cigarette.
GROANER! GROANER! THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
The Mayor of Mexico City has announced a new program that will offer free Viagra to men over the age of 60. That’s right, he’s calling it a package stimulus.
* * * * *
India’s Hindu nationalist movement has announced plans to market a soft drink made from cow urine. They’re calling it “Tab.”
R&B singer Etta James criticized Beyonce for singing her signature song “At Last” at Barack Obama’s inauguration. In related news, Captain Crunch criticized Aretha Franklin for wearing his signature hat.
A Senate Committee vote on Barack Obama’s Labor Secretary nominee was put on hold because it was learned her husband’s auto business had $6,400 of unpaid taxes. This could explain why a guy who went in for a broken tail light was charged $6,400.
At a recent press conference, Nancy Pelosi mistakenly claimed that 500 million Americans would lose their jobs if we didn’t pass her economic stimulus bill. Right after, a reporter asked if she could say that to him with a straight face—and then, he remembered who he was talking to.
According to a few Congressional aides and members, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid went before the cameras to announce a stimulus deal before House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had agreed on all the details. And this didn’t sit well with Pelosi; in fact, she was so upset, she almost frowned.
The Wall Street Journal reports that President Obama preselected reporters to ask questions at his primetime press conference. This could explain why “Helen Thomas” looked a lot like Joe Biden in a dress.
Prince Harry has created another controversy by allegedly telling a black comedian that he didn’t “sound like a black chap.” But in Harry’s defense, the comedian was Wayne Brady.
England’s Cambridge University is under fire, after frat and sorority initiation photos surfaced showing students performing unspeakable acts. Of course, since this is England, the unspeakable acts are brushing their teeth and flossing.
Naked mountain hikers in Switzerland will now face on the spot fines of $170 if they are caught by police—which is especially frustrating, when you factor in the absence of pockets.
An 87-year-old woman in England who had been blind in one eye for 72 years recently regained her vision. Today, the woman said, “At last, I can fully enjoy Two Girls, One Cup.”
A Twitter account supposedly managed by the Dalai Lama has been suspended after it was determined to be a fake. Officials first became suspicious, when it was deemed unlikely the Dalai Lama was “drinking beer and playing Rock Band.”
A Twitter account supposedly managed by the Dalai Lama has been suspended after it was determined to be a fake. The prankster: Pope Benedict.
Cloning expert Jerry Yang has died at the age of 49. He is survived by his wife, and three more Jerry Yangs.
This week, the Red Sox reported to spring training. Still no sign of Manny.
Officials have continued to warn consumers, in the wake of the recent salmonella outbreak. If infected, one can experience any number of symptoms, including nausea, diarrhea and even horrifying hallucinations.
* * * * *
And that’s all I liked/had leftover this week. I’m at The Gas @ Great Scott in Allston this Friday night. $5, good show. Crazy times, huh? Cinemas and Conan, both going bye-bye. Fare thee well, youth.
Alex Rodriguez admitted to taking steroids. Apparently, the steroids are unique, because they always wear off at the start of the seventh inning.
President Obama said that he has not had a single cigarette on the White House grounds—which could also explain why he spends five minutes every hour hovering over the lawn in Marine One.
There is speculation that Michael Phelps could lose a number of his endorsement deals, maybe even Rosetta Stone. On the bright side, after endorsing it, he now knows how to say “pass the bong” in over seven languages.
The number one movie at the box office last weekend was “Taken.” I believe it’s a film about clients of Bernie Madoff.
It was reported that one of the celebrities who lost money in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme was actor John Malkovich. Man, guess it sucks being him.
Joseph “Joey the Clown” Lombardo was sentenced to life in federal prison for serving as a leader of Chicago’s organized crime family. Lombardo was nearly sentenced to die, but his capo, “Monty the Mime” Monteleone refused to testify.
Uzbekistan officials say they have found the world’s oldest woman in documented history at 128 years old. Today, Cher demanded a recount.
London is experiencing its most brutal winter in two decades. In fact last night, George Michael was caught in the park having sex with a snowman.
A man in Illinois who was dressed in a purple suit, purple shoes, purple fedora, full-length fur coat, and was driving a 1988 Cadillac, was charged for the 14th time with driving with a suspended license. Good job, police. I’m sure that’s the only law he was currently breaking.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg on Thursday said that the source of the mysterious syrup smell that has been detected in the city since 2005 was a factory in New Jersey. “That’s quite a surprise!” said no one at all.
Jon Bon Jovi, Shaquille O’Neal and Carl Sagan were named to the New Jersey Hall of Fame. The three celebrated the news by walking into a bar together, and saying something hilarious.
At her swearing-in ceremony, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton referenced husband Bill Clinton’s affairs, saying that she was “so grateful to him for a lifetime (pause for effect) of all kinds of experiences.” In response, Bill thanked Hillary “for being such a (pause for effect) bitch.”
* * * * *
A few quick notes…are you in Rochester, NH this Friday night? If so, stop by The Governor’s Inn and see me be funny.
Are you in Auburn, ME for Valentine’s Day? If so, stop by the Fireside Inn & Suites and see me host the great Tony Moschetto and Bethany Van Delft. In fact, I’ll be on the radio Thursday morning plugging it. When I find out what station it is, I’ll come back and add it in here—but I’m pretty sure it’s not JAM’N.
Also, it was nice meeting people at a shows in Manchester, Colby-Sawyer and The Burren in Somerville last week—but I gotta say, that last one was a highlight. The show, which was part of a cool new series Dave Rattigan is doing, was hosted by none other than Frank Santorelli—who, of course, played Georgie the bouncer on The Sopranos. Now I had gotten there late because I closed at The Studio, and was told quickly (by who, I forget) that it was a 5-7 minute set. Turns out it was 5, at which point I see Frank giving me the cut sign as he walks up toward the stage. Now, on one hand, I was a bit embarrassed that I didn’t know how much time I was supposed to do, and had to scamper offstage. But on the other, I thought it was pretty cool that I was essentially bounced—by Georgie from the Bing.
All right, enough of that. Let’s do this…
CAUSE & EFFECT
“SUPER BOWL XLIII”
Hey, rembmer the Super Bowl that just happened, when the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Arizona Cardinals? Well, I wrote some jokes about it last week, and here they are now. So, without further ado…the Cause & Effect Breakdown of Super Bowl 43.
Cause: NBC’s Super Bowl coverage lasts nearly 11 hours, featuring 11 on-air hosts.
effect: Both tie the previous record, held by The Today Show.
Cause: At the beginning of the game, the Steelers score what appears to be a touchdown, only to have it called back, leaving them with nothing.
effect: Steelers rue decision to invest the touchdown with Bernie Madoff.
Cause: A Cable outage leaves many in Manhattan unable to watch the game.
effect: Furious, New Yorkers complain “Why couldn’t this happen when the Jets are playing?”
Cause: Kurt Warner lauded for going from being a nobody with a minimum wage job to being a national celebrity.
effect: Warner deemed a bizarro Federline.
Cause: To compete with the Super Bowl, Animal Planet airs the annual “Puppy Bowl”—a football game played by dogs.
effect: Some call it a unique alternative; others call it a disgrace to the game; Michael Vick calls it a match made in heaven.
Cause: Tampa police arrest a man with drugs stashed in his buttocks.
effect: Proof once again that Ricky Williams just doesn’t learn.
See ya next week.
A representative for Lindsay Lohan says the actress’ recent weight loss isn’t due to drugs, but stress. Apparently, Lohan is stressed because she’s almost out of crack.
Protestors took to the streets in India, vowing to burn Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle in effigy for allegedly “exploiting” slum dwellers in the critically-acclaimed film. And it doesn’t end there; apparently, Boyle has been on hold with tech support for over a week.
A new Osama bin Laden recording has surfaced. On it, he appears abrasive, delusional and out of touch—wait, I’m sorry, that was Governor Blagojevich.
Just after he was voted out of office, the state of Illinois removed Rod Blagojevich’s name from its website. Right after that, they removed the Buy It Now with PayPal link for Barack Obama’s senate seat.
House Democrats caved to Republican criticism by removing a $200 million provision to refurbish the National Mall. The House had previously tried to get President Bush to help fix up the Mall, but he kept insisting they put in an Orange Julius.
Barack Obama was recently photographed trying to enter the White House through a giant window he mistakenly thought was a door. Goodbye “no exit strategy,” hello “no entrance strategy.”
The Obama Administration is working to come up with a plan to save the ailing U.S. banks. Obama said his first step will be to institute a bailout plan to jumpstart their finances. The second step will be to provide banks with pens that actually work.
Two prisoners in New Zealand, who were handcuffed together but fled police custody, were quickly caught after they ran on opposite sides of a light pole and collided. The prisoners said they knew they were in trouble when their escape was suddenly accompanied by Yakety Sax.
An appellate court in Wisconsin has ruled in favor of a man who filed his legal brief in the form of a rap to argue that he should not have to pay $3,750 in fees. When he heard the news, Bernie Madoff said, “A rap, you say?…”
Starbucks announced plans to close 300 more stores—and that’s just in Downtown Crossing.
In Schenectady, New York, a 17-year-old boy is in trouble for posing as a girl to take an exam for her. The teacher first became suspicious when the student said she couldn’t go to the blackboard because she had an erection.
In an interview with British tabloid The Sun, Paul McCartney said he was in a “dark place” after his divorce with Heather Mills. Apparently, she got all the lamps.
Actress Molly Ringwald is writing a new book about life as a 40-something. You can tell the book is about Ringwald, because it starts out strong and then vanishes.
The U.S. Post Office said that because of the economic downturn, it may have to cut back on its standard mail delivery. Unfortunately, most people won’t get the message, because it was sent via standard mail delivery.
A British tabloid is reporting that Prince Harry and his longtime girlfriend have broken up. Apparently, she met another guy with a career.
Paris Hilton said she would never date Prince Harry, because she has too much respect for his ex. Prince Harry said he would never date Paris Hilton because he has too much respect for his genitals.
A pizza restaurant owner in Florida was arrested after he allegedly pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his calzone was incorrectly prepared. In the owner’s defense, however, his restaurant is clearly rated #1 by Zagat for “Unnecessary Pistol-Whipping.”
Bob Dylan has signed a deal for his 1960s protest song “Blowing in the Wind” to be used in a TV commercial for a British grocery chain. Dylan said the decision came easy, because the song was actually written to protest high prices on cereal and laundry detergent.
There’s a lot of buzz on the internet surrounding an alleged UFO sighting at last week’s inauguration. In fact, there was actually a scary moment when the object nearly collided with Aretha Franklin’s hat.
France will soon be instituting a much tougher immigration policy. Experts say this is especially bad news for the Paris Wal-Mart.
In Harrisonburg, Virginia, a woman accused of killing a man by shooting him five times in the back is asking that the court disregard her Myspace screen name “ManHater,” because it could influence the jury. Experts called this the strangest incident since Phil Spector asked the court to disregard his Myspace name, “Lady I Just Met Shooter.”
Michael Jackson has announced plans to develop his album Thriller into a Broadway musical. Michael said the Broadway idea came to him the last time someone on the street mistook him for the Phantom of the Opera.
The New York Post is reporting that President Clinton pocketed a whopping six million dollars in speaking fees last year. Not surprisingly, Clinton asked for and received the money in singles.
According to researchers, repeated concussions can lead to brain damage. Apparently, they arrived at the conclusion after a chance meeting with Terry Bradshaw.
A 62-year-old Frenchman broke the world record for longest speech, when he rambled non-stop for 124 hours. The bad news: today the record was broken by Joe Biden.
GROANER! GROANER! THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
In San Diego, a mistrial was declared when a home-invasion robbery suspect spread human fecal matter on his attorney’s face and hair, then threw more at the jury. Ironically, most of it hit Juror Number Two.
* * * * *
Well how do, everyone? It was not a bad weekend. Not a bad weekend at all. Thanks to those who came out to Mottley’s on Friday and Saturday to see the awesome Juston McKinney. Both nights, the place was packed—despite painfully cold temperatures on Saturday and bad economic times always. The first night was absolutely great, and it was cool to make some new friends from “across the pond” in England. This finally allowed me the opportunity to fulfill a long-standing dream: you see, in London, “Waldo” as we know him is known simply as “Wally.” So after I got a few laughs from the Americans in the room tagging the old bank robber joke, I got more laughs from the British folk by retelling said tag with “Wally.” See? I’m educated.
The big story of this week will likely be the Super Bowl (about which, there will be things here next week), but the big story last week had to have been Governor Blagojevich’s Illinois ouster (alliteration eh?—I still got it). But the best part was how he managed to blame his removal on anything but his seat-selling scandal. Taxes, health care—both things that had nothing to do with scalping a major political position. And it made me wonder, did other people in history try to blame their demise on irrelevant, unrelated factors? It warms my heart to think that somewhere, Hitler is blaming his stay in Hell on his mustache.
-“If you’re going to damn me for eternity, you’ll have to do the same thing to Charlie Chaplin…and Magnum P.I….and that relief pitcher from the Oakland Athletics.”
-“All of them!”
And finally, how good was SNL this week? I’ll tell you what was most enjoyable: Weekend Update. I don’t know what it was, but it just seemed to have that little something extra to make it one of the best I’ve seen. One joke in particular really stood out: “Police in Switzerland said Thursday that they discovered a large marijuana plantation while using Google Earth. It’s called Jamaica.” GENIUS. J
If you know anyone at Colby-Sawyer, I’m there with a bunch of great comics (Corey Manning, Sean Sullivan, Shaun Bedgood, Dave Grabiner, John Garrison, Erin Judge & Dan Hirshon—how good is that??) Thursday night—yep, that’s right, missing the Celtics play the Lakers. But before that, I’m at the Studio Wednesday at 8, followed by The Burren that very same night with Frank Santorelli of The Sopranos. Oh yeah! That show is at 8, and costs $0.
Until next time!…