January 26th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Barack Obama was set to sign three executive orders: first, close Guantanamo Bay within a year; second—establish new guidelines for the treatment of detainees; and third—kill or capture the Sham-Wow Guy.

 

It’s been revealed that some of the music at the inauguration wasn’t actually performed live, as cellist Yo-Yo Ma, violinist Itzhak Perlman and others decided to use a previously recorded audio tape for the broadcast of the ceremonies.  Not only that: it turns out Aretha Franklin’s hat was actually a hologram created by NASA.           

 

CNN did a story documenting a 107-year-old African American’s emotions and reaction to Barack Obama’s inauguration.  Boy, what a month for Rickey Henderson. 

 

CNN reports that Facebook.com registered 4,000 status updates a minute during the broadcast of Barack Obama’s inauguration—and that was just Caroline Kennedy, dropping in and out of the Senate race.

 

Despite early rumblings of attempted terror attacks on the inauguration, there was not a single arrest.  In fact, the only one getting bombed was Diane Sawyer.

Diane Sawyer was on Good Morning America the day after the inauguration, and spent the whole time babbling incoherently, and many said this was because of something she drank just hours earlier.  The press is calling Sawyer unprofessional; viewers are calling her a disgrace; Paula Abdul is calling her for the recipe.

           

An 83-year-old man said he missed his bus home from the inauguration, because he got caught up dancing with a couple of girls he met along the way.  On the bright side, at least John McCain is taking things in stride. 

 

Barack Obama warned Republicans on Capitol Hill that they won’t be able to achieve bipartisanism if they continue to listen to Rush Limbaugh.  Obama then said, “Baba Booey, Baba Booey, Howard Stern Rules.”

 

A visual inspection of that battered US Airways plane revealed that it hit a “soft body.”  In other words, it looks like we can officially rule out the Silver Surfer.

 

In Fairbanks, Alaska, a local businessman has unveiled an ice sculpture of former Vice-President Al Gore “shivering.”  The sculpture weighs 5½ tons—which at this point makes it a miniature.           

 

Following an ownership struggle, Saddam Hussein’s luxury yacht will finally be returned from Greece to Iraq.  Well, just in time. 

 

Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was a guest on The View today.  When they heard the news, Illinois legislators announced they were dropping their case against Blagojevich, saying “The man has suffered enough.”

 

It was reported that Oprah Winfrey was under consideration to fill Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat.  Oprah said she had to turn it down, because it would have interfered with her current job as Christ.

           

Three guards have been charged with organizing a secret society at Rikers Island in New York, in which they ordered prisoners to extort and beat other inmates.  A prison spokesman said, “I just hope that doesn’t give this place a bad name.”

 

 

Fin

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

 

Kind of light, but, that’s all the passable stuff I still own.  Good week otherwise = bad week for this, I guess.

 

Thanks to those who came out to the show Sunday night at The Comedy Studio.  I felt it answered two important questions: 1) yes, I can believe it or not hold a show together, and 2) that’s why I don’t do any topical jokes in standup.

 

 If you couldn’t make it on Sunday, and are still up for a show, I implore you to come down to Mottley’s Comedy Club at Faneuil Hall this Friday and/or Saturday at 8 pm.  I am thrilled to be opening for the very, very funny JUSTON MCKINNEY of Blue Collar Comedy: The Next Generation, The Tonight Show and Sirius Satellite Radio.  It is going to be a great, great show at what has quickly become one of the best possible spots to perform or see a show.  Seriously, this place is awesome, Juston is great, and if you’d like to see a really, really good comedy show in a new (but old school-feeling) Boston club, this is the one to check out.  Tickets available HERE.

 

How about that inauguration?  I’m up in the air with how I feel about John Roberts flubbing the oath.  On one hand, I feel bad for the guy, because he messed up the most prolific political oath in the land in front of everyone.  On the other hand, I think the guy’s a dope, because he messed up the most prolific political oath in the land in front of everyone.  But I think the best compromise is an awareness of what Roberts didn’t say that could have also passed for a screw-up.

 

For example:

 

  • “I do solemnly bear…shit, swear!”
  • “I do solemnly pear…pear?  Wow!  What’s wrong with me??”
  • “Do solemnly square…square?  What does that even mean?  You solemnly turn into a shape?  Wow, I totally didn’t bring my A-game today, Mr. President.  Oh, wait, you’re not that yet?  Oh right.  Where were we?”
  • “You know, I spent two hours today kissing a picture of Ghandi.  Just saying.”
  • “…that I will faithfully execute the President—no no no, wait, ahhh!  Nerves!”
  • “So help you, Rod?  God!  Ah Jesus, go to commercial.”

 

And at least he remembered to bring a Bible, and didn’t repeat Chief Justice Taft’s 1929 faux pas of mistakenly bringing a pie.

 

Bring yourself down to Mottley’s Comedy Club this FRIDAY AND SATURDAY.  8PM.  TICKETS HERE.

 

Later.


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January 20th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Officials in Washington are warning families that if they want to make it to the inauguration, they had better have a solid plan.  Apparently, they couldn’t quite get the same message to John McCain.

 

An estimated three to five million people are expected to turn out for Barack Obama’s inauguration.  Those who are unable to make it in to the city will surely turn around, and head back to Harvard Square for The Jon Rineman Show this Sunday at 8 pm.

 

In an effort to recruit more people, the US Army has opened a 12 million dollar facility at a Pennsylvania mall that uses video games to simulate combat scenarios.  The Army expects the plan to pay off, especially if the nation is ever at war with Koopa Troopas.

 

The head of the Army Recruiting Command is considering starting a fat farm to help trainees get into shape for service.  Fat army recruits: they eat more by 9 AM than you eat all day.

 

Researchers are saying that an ape named Bonnnie at the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington taught herself to whistle.  Still, the achievement pales in comparison to that of her brother Gus, who taught himself how to beatbox.

 

I heard on the radio that people can actually begin to hallucinate after drinking six cups of a caffeinated beverage.  Or maybe it was seven.  I don’t know, I was on the phone with my unicorn.

 

People are still talking about the emergency landing on the Hudson River.  Over 150 passengers crash landed in the water, had to pull themselves out of the plane; balanced on the wings in the freezing cold, and several were taken to nearby hospitals.  The amazing part: they still got to their destinations quicker than people flying Jet Blue.

 

The US Airways airbus collided with what’s believed to have been a flock of Canadian geese—which Lou Dobbs said “would have never happened, if we had tougher immigration policies!”

 

The black box recordings from that U.S. Airways flight revealed that both engines lost power simultaneously.  As a result, the two have been nicknamed Bush and Cheney.     

 

Yesterday, two more flocks of birds got sucked up and spit out—but enough about the Eagles and Ravens.

 

Eagles Coach Andy Reid was very upset.  At the post-game buffet, he didn’t even go back for thirds.

 

President Bush said that when he returns to Texas, he will be able to look himself in the mirror without regret.  In fact, he said his only regret when he looks in the mirror is that the letters on his t-shirt are always backwards.

 

President Bush said that when he leaves office he plans to write his memoirs, and he will model them on Ulysses Grant’s book.  This could explain why Bush will devote nearly four chapters to handling the Panic of 1873.

 

The Philadelphia Inquirer ran a column, speculating that John McCain could actually be an ally to Barack Obama, serving as a bipartisan force in order to secure his own legacy.  McCain has a long record of reaching across the aisle to Democrats—as well as a several Whigs and Federalists.

 

Barack Obama’s inauguration will have a strong Abraham Lincoln theme; this included using the Bible Lincoln was sworn in with, china picked out by Lincoln’s wife as well as a luncheon menu modeled on Lincoln’s favorite food.  And, just like Lincoln’s inauguration, this one will also be covered by Larry King.           

 

An estimated 3.4 million Americans identified themselves as stalking victims in 2008.  The victims said they would seek out a solution to avoid being stalked, as soon as they’re done updating their away messages, Facebook statuses and Twitters.  HELLO???!!!!

 

Police in New Zealand have a arrested a safe burglar by using Facebook to identify and track him down.  Officials had an easy time doing so, as the man was part of the Safe Burglars network.

 

There’s new speculation that Osama bin Laden’s health is failing. On his latest recording, bin Laden is short of breath, and is heard doing a lot of gasping and wheezing—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Amy Winehouse.

 

The Pentagon said that 61 Guantanamo Bay detainees returned to terrorism after being released.  When asked about, the terrorists said, “Hey, it’s cheaper than or grad school.”

 

The former driver of New York Knicks center Eddy Curry is suing the player, claiming that he sexually harassed him by soliciting gay sex.  When asked about it, Curry said, “The court isn’t the only place where I can take it to the hole.”  Again, I’m sorry.

 

Fin

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

Happy Inauguration Day, everybody.  Let me first off mention that, as referenced above, I am hosting THIS SUNDAY NIGHT at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square.  It is a great lineup, which includes Renata Tutko (Reid & Renata), Doug Chagnon (DailyComedy.com icon), Jen Myszkowski (the January Comic of the Month and one of the funniest out there) and a bunch of other funny folks.  Again, 8 PM, tickets $8 adults/$6 students, over by 10 PM.  I may even wear a sportcoat.

 

Speaking of clothes, I must admit, I’m down in the dumps about some developments involving another one of my accessories.  As some of you already know, my beloved Boston Red Sox hat went missing this past December.  I last had it on a Tuesday, and ran a few errands in Southie, then did a set at The Vault, and returned back to my neighborhood to find that the hat was not in my car as I had believed.  I searched my bedroom—nothing.  Apartment—nothing.  I walked through the park down by the water with a flashlight, thinking perhaps I had dropped it, but alas, it was not to be.  Now, as more than a month has passed, it is with deep sadness I officially declare my Red Sox hat “lost.”

 

The hat was special, because it was purchased from a kiosk on the eve of my senior year in college, up at the old Fox Run Mall in Newington.  It just had that “right hat” feel.  It was, as my old roommate Nick would call it, an “impulse purchase”, as I already had a Sox hat that had served me well for the past three years—and had actually just bought an inferior Sox hat from Olympia Sports.  But this one was nice, more official looking, and had a much more desirable strip of Velcro rather than loud, violent snaps.  “This hat shall be the one,” I said—which then made buying it from the now uncomfortable sales girl even more unpleasant.

 

Anyway, that hat served as the first official purchase of what turned out to be my most enjoyable year of school ever.  I wore that hat the week the Red Sox came back from 0-3 to beat the Yankees, and the next week, when they won it all and broke The Curse.  I wore it to South Station whenever I would buy my four or so soft pretzels from Auntie Anne’s.  And, I wore it onstage when I didn’t feel like fixing the polluted salt marsh that is my hair.

 

I wore that hat on the subway in New York, when I was working for Comedy Central.  I wore it around LA—as a symbol to others from the East Coast saying “Hey, I don’t suck either!”  I wore it to Sonny McClain’s to see a friend I hadn’t seen in four years.  I wore it to Family Guy.  In fact, I was even wearing it the night an armed guard aimed his gun at me when I was delivering a script to a house in Beverly Hills—which didn’t even rank among the worst 10 things to happen to me when I was living in LA.  And, I wore it through yet another World Series victory back in Boston that fall.

 

Nobody ever wants to outlive their hats.  To have to move on without a hat you raised is just heartbreaking.  Perhaps Robert Redford said it best, in The Horse Whisperer:

-“Why do you always wear a hat?”

-“Because it fits my head.”

So true.  So true.

 

The Sox hat will be survived by a black visor, a Celtics hat, another Celtics hat that’s black with only a gray shamrock that I wear after tough losses, and a blue hat with a strip of plastic on the brim that causes people to either A) say “Is that a plastic brim on your hat??” or B) not recognize me.

 

Fair thee well, Sox hat.

March 2005

March 2005

Remember, Studio this Sunday at 8.  Tickets HERE.

 

Have a good one.


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January 12th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Former American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar will release a new five-song EP on January 20.  Apparently, this is the Inauguration Day terror plot they kept warning us about.

 

Last week, Barack Obama had lunch with all the living Presidents at the White House.  One guess as to who ordered the animal crackers.

  

Last week, the Senate said it was unable seat Illinois U.S. Senate Appointee Roland Burris.  The good news:  They gave him seats at the bar, and a vibrating pager to let him know when his table is ready.         

 

When he arrived, Burris was told his credentials were not in order, was not allowed in and was barred from setting foot on the floor—you know, the same thing that happens to Brian Scalabrine when he shows up for Celtics games.

 

ABC announced that it is reviving the 1970s sports series “Superstars,” which pairs teams of celebrities and professional athletes against each other.  The series debut will feature the Pussy Cat Dolls, as 14½ point favorites to beat the Detroit Lions.

 

A man in Pennsylvania faced up to 37 years in prison for tearing open a neighbor’s door with a chain saw after someone parked in front of his house.  People inside weren’t sure if the man was just angry, or the most aggressive Jehovah’s Witness ever.

 

A salmonella outbreak across 42 states has made nearly 400 people sick.  Customers at Denny’s suffered dizziness and diarrhea and spent most of the day vomiting.  Then, the salmonella kicked in.

 

A&E has greenlit a series that will follow a group of Chicago police officers as they chase ghosts.  The show is called Paranormal Cops—and in keeping with tradition, every ghost chased by the officers will be drunk and shirtless.         

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Heath Ledger took home a Golden Globe for his work as The Joker in “The Dark Knight.”  Experts called this the most notable posthumous honor since Cher won for “Moonstruck.”

  

The Disney film Wall-E took home the Golden Globe for Best Animated Film.  This marked the first time a film starring a robot won an award since “An Inconvenient Truth.”

 

A new Star Wars toy is being released called “The Force Trainer,” which comes with a headset that uses brain waves to allow players to manipulate a sphere within a clear tower.  Not surprisingly, the cast of The Hills was unable to get it to work.

 

A man in Omaha has filed a lawsuit accusing his ex-wife and former father-in-law of hiding a recording device inside his daughter’s teddy bear in order to spy on him.  After making the discovery, the man had his “associates” drive the bear out the Pine Barrens and shoot him.

 

A woman in Tennessee says that her mule saved her life by warning her on New Year’s that her house was on fire.  Even more impressive is the fact that the mule was outside, and managed to warn her via text.

 

Neale Donald Walsch, the best-selling author of “Conversations with God,” said that he unwittingly passed off another writer’s Christmas anecdote as his own in a recent blog post.  The admission only lends credence to separate accusations that several of his “conversations with God” were merely old Cheech & Chong routines.

 

While investigating a sewage problem at a Minnesota home, police arrested the owner after discovering an indoor pot growing operation.  The man said he would have flushed the pot before the cops got there, but…

 

Joe Biden and his wife were reportedly turned away from a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, because the movie was sold out.  Instead, they thought about seeing Yes Man, but that would have caused confusion since that’s also Biden’s Secret Service code name.

 

A man in Oregon was arrested after he set fire to a “No Smoking” sign after being told he could not smoke a cigarette inside a nightclub.  Still, this wasn’t nearly as bad as what he did the night before to a “No Masturbating” sign.

 

A young harbor seal broke into a fish hatchery in Massachusetts on Tuesday and ate a large amount of fish.  Said the seal, “Hey, times are tough for us too, you know.”

 

Chicago elementary school bureaucrats are under fire for spending $67,000 on cappuccino/espresso machines.  The good news: students are now finishing their spelling tests in record time. 

An Italian man, who was let out of prison early, begged to be let back into prison because he could not stand living with his parents, who he said continually lectured him and ordered him to clean his room.  Man has a point.

 

Fin

 

*           *           *           *           *

 

Not a whole lot to say, other than things I said last week that are worth saying once again.  First off, I will be HOSTING at THE COMEDY STUDIO on Sunday January 25 at 8 PM.  It will be a very fun show with a bunch of great comics, and I’m thrilled to be on it, much less “So how’s everybody doing tonight?”ing it.  Tickets are available HERE.

 

Also, the next weekend, on both Friday and Saturday of said that, I will be opening for JUSTON MCKINNEY of Blue Collar Comedy: The Next Generation at MOTTLEY’S COMEDY CLUB at Faneuil Hall.  January 30/31, 8 pm.  Tickets for that are available HERE.

 

Of course, as cool as those shows are, they pale in comparison to the awesomeness that is Jim Rice getting into the Hall of Fame.  And it’s about time.  For those of you who aren’t sports people, the story here is that it was Jim Rice’s last year of eligibility for the Hall of Fame, and he finally got in on try #15. 

 

And one of the things he had going was that he put together his career long before steroids were running rampant, thus further legitimizing everything he did.  And when you think about it, that’s actually pretty amazing.  That something can go nearly 15 years being thought of as okay, then at the end, you find out the things that made it seem just okay were all shady.

 

Take my pair of baby blue boxer shorts.  They’re an okay pair of boxers.  They’ve been around for a while, there’s this piece of thread that is starting to unwind in the waist…when I think of my boxers, I think something snazzier, like my pair of white and blue boxers, or my maroon boxers with orange designs.  But what if it turned out all of my other boxers had been made by terrorists?  Suddenly, that crappy pair of boxers doesn’t look so bad—and also explains why the other boxers came with wiring.

 

Take Sugar Ray, for instance.  An average band from the 90s, but not a Hall of Fame band.  What if it turned out all the other bands were using illegal guitars?  I mean, why else would Blind Mellon’s production just drop so rapidly?  Okay, bad example.

 

Take Nestle Crunch for instance.  It’s a pretty good candy bar.  It’s got some chocolate and some rice, but that’s about it.  While it’s respectable, it doesn’t bring it the way a Reese’s Peanutbutter Cup does.  I’d take Reese’s Peanutbutter Cup any day of the week, even Fraturday.  But now, all these kids are getting sick because of peanut allergies, and the old RPBC’s don’t hold up like the used to.  After all, what’s wrong with a little rice, after all—especially if it’s named Jim.  AWWWW SNAP! AWWWW SNAP! CAN I TIE IT ALL UP OR WHAT?

 

 

 

CAUSE & EFFECT

 

“BARACK OBAMA’S INAUGURATION”

 

Well, the big day is almost here.  Barack Obama is set to be sworn in as the nation’s 44th President, but not without a sizable blowout (please, save  your Clinton jokes) in the nation’s capital.  Here now without further ado, a Cause & Effect breakdown of Barack Obama’s Presidential Inauguration…..

 

CAUSE DUE TO RECORD TRAFFIC CONCERNS, WASHINGTON D.C. OFFICIALS ASK COMMUTERS TO STAY HOME OR AWAY FROM THE CITY. 

EFFECT DUE TO POLITICAL CONCERNS, FOX NEWS ASKS BARACK OBAMA TO STAY HOME OR AWAY FROM THE CITY.

 

CAUSE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO HOST INAUGURAL BALL AT THE WASHINGTON CONVENTION CENTER.

EFFECT UNLIKE LAST TWO INAUGURATIONS, BALL WILL NOT FEATURE A BOUNCE HOUSE.

 

CAUSE TICKETS TO BALL BEING GIVEN AWAY FOR FREE. 

EFFECT SADLY, MANY BEING SCALPED BY ROD BLAGOJEVICH.

 

CAUSE BARACK OBAMA’S 86-YEAR-OLD KENYAN STEP GRANDMOTHER TO TRAVEL TO WASHINGTON FOR THE INAUGURATION. 

EFFECT FORCED TO TAKE BREAK FROM TRAINING FOR THE BOSTON MARATHON.

 

CAUSE 50,000 PUBLIC TOILETS LINED ALONG PARADE ROUTE.

EFFECT SENATOR LARRY CRAIG CANCELS HOTEL RESERVATION.

 

CAUSE MARVEL PUBLISHES A SPIDER-MAN COMIC IN WHICH “SPIDEY” SAVES BARACK OBAMA AFTER HE SAVES HIM DURING HIS INAUGURATION FROM A PLOT BY THE CHAMELEON.

EFFECT TO AUTHENTICATE TALE, CHAMELEON TAKES THIS FORM.

 

  

 

 

 

Now since you’ve been good, another classic advertisement.  Congratulations again, Jim Ed.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KkNqxEHT8A


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January 6th, 2009 at 1:45 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

According to the Washington Post, President Bush read 40 books last year.  When asked about it, Bush said, “What can I say?  R.L. Stine is a genius.”

 

NBC canceled Ann Coulter’s scheduled appearance on the Today Show.  If you still want to hear what Coulter has to say, just turn off the lights and say her name three times into a mirror.

 

In her new book, Ann Coulter slams Michelle Obama for trying to look like the late Jackie Onassis.  In response, Obama slammed Coulter for trying to look like the still-living Tom Petty.

 

CNN came under fire, after comedienne Kathy Griffin used profane language while anchoring the network’s New Year’s Eve festivities.  Viewers referred to the display as obscene, appalling and tasteless—and that was before she even spoke.

 

On New Year’s Eve, revelers gathered in Times Square and counted backwards down to zero.  People said they had been practicing by tracking their 401Ks.

 

In England, emergency response dispatchers received a call every seven seconds.  One dispatcher reported a call from someone asking if New York was in America.  To which the dispatcher said, “Mrs. Palin, please get off the line.”              

 

The New York Daily News recently referred to Hillary Clinton as the “Most Powerful Woman in the World.”  However, it should be noted at the time the article came out, Oprah was vacationing on Jupiter.

 

Vice President Dick Cheney condemned Israel, because it did not seek the United States’ permission or approval before launching its attack.  Cheney had to cut short his remarks, because his microphone was picking up extremely high levels of irony. 

 

Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich stirred up controversy when he appointed former state Attorney General Roland Burris to fill Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat.  Blagojevich said he got the idea after watching the episode of Seinfeld where George tries to make a black friend.

 

South Carolina Congressman Gresham Barrett will reportedly donate his $4,700 raise to charity.  That’s right, he’s going to buy a Chrysler.

 

It’s now being reported the government may be forced to bail out the ailing newspaper industry.  It’s true, I read it on the internet.

 

The United States opened a new embassy in Baghdad on Monday.  It was scheduled to be rebuilt on Tuesday.

 

A woman is protesting Facebook.com’s decision to remove pictures of her breastfeeding her daughter, on grounds that they are obscene and pornographic.  However, in Facebook’s defense, the daughter was 19.

 

A French warship captured 19 Somali pirates on Sunday.  In even bigger news, France apparently has a warship.

 

The French military said it wasn’t sure what to do next, adding, “Honestly, we’ve never gotten this far.”

 

Antonio Vazquez, Mexico’s self-proclaimed “Grand Warlock” said this week that he believes the US will pull their troops out of Iraq and send them to conquer Mexico.  In fact, Vazquez predicted the US could even deploy troops as far south as Los Angeles.

 

Vazquez is known for making erroneous predictions.  Last year, he predicted that both Britney Spears and Fidel Castro would die.  Now, Vazquez predicts Spears will grow a beard, and Castro will win three VMAs.

 

Police in Los Angeles believe that the jewel heist in Paris Hilton’s bedroom last month was committed by a man who is intimately familiar with the room’s layout.  In other words, it could be anyone.

 

Prince announced plans to release three new albums through a retailer.  This could explain the first album’s title: 1999 Reasons to Shop at Target.

 

 

Fin

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

A relatively light week.  There’ll be more next week.  Probably.  Anyway, Happy New Year.  I hope you enjoyed last week’s 50 Best.  True story: I e-mail Nick Zaino at Boston Comedy Blog and say “In case you’re doing any assorted notes pieces coming up, just thought I’d mention that I put up a best-of-2008 entry on my blog, just jokes since when I started doing it back in May.”  And Nick is nice enough to go and write this.  A big, BIG thank you to Nick!  And the show in Turners Falls he spoke of was a blast.

 

Speaking of shows, I have two (actually, three) I’d like to tell you about.  The first one is…The Jon Rineman Show!  That’s right, I’m hosting all by myself at The Comedy Studio on Sunday night, January 25, at 8 pm.  Last time we tried this, there was a blizzard, so let’s hope it turns out better.  The show is $8 adults, $6 students, and will be over by 10 pm.  For advance tickets, go here.

 

Also, I’m going to be opening for the very funny Juston McKinney (Blue Collar Comedy: The Next Generation, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Sirius) at Mottley’s Comedy Club on both Friday January 30 and Saturday January 31!  More details on that next week.

 

Now, on to some more serious matters…as you may be aware, the Academy Awards are approaching, and several films have garnered a great deal of Oscar buzz.  One of the films people are talking about is Milk, which of course documents the life and career of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to public office in California.  The film has gotten a lot of positive reviews, and Sean Penn appears to be in the running for a Best Actor nomination.  Still, there was one review that stuck out to me…It’s been kicking around for a while on Youtube… take a look.

 

That’s right: Fox mentions Sean Penn…mentions that he played some guy named Harvey Milk…and seemingly goes out of its way not to mention that Harvey Milk was gay.  Which, like it or not, is a pretty major detail in the film.  Now, you know me, I’m a pretty industrious guy.  I don’t have a ton of money, so I’m always looking for things to do, ways to better myself, so I thought I’d take a shot at summarizing a few movies, Fox News style, in case anyone from Fox is reading.

 

 

King Kong: An intriguing tale of exploration and discovery.  Set in 1930s New York, the film follows a group of filmmakers visiting a remote, undiscovered island.  It is there they meet Kong who is…an individual who lived on the island.  Kong energetically familiarizes himself with New York City, and even takes a trip to the top of the Empire State Building.  Of course, an added amount of suspense comes into play, driven by the fact that Kong is actually an…immigrant.

 

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: A delightful story, focusing on a young girl’s escape from her wicked, vicious stepmother, who owns a mirror that really speaks to her beauty!  But not to worry.  Just when all seems lost to Snow White, she moves in with seven people!  Yay Craigslist!

 

The Mask of Zorro: The Spanish word for “Fox.”  Foxes live to be two to three years old in the wild.  They live in the woods.  Some live in the desert.  Catherine Zeta-Jones.

 

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: A group of go-getters stumble into the woods, and encounter one heck of a family!  Among them is a quiet gentleman with a slightly noticeable skin disorder.  He makes up for his appearance with his home demolition tool deftness.  This film is rated R—for lots of RUNNING—after your dreams!

 

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: …A doctor, that’s who!  Let’s eat.

 

Philadelphia: …Pass.

 

Chew on that, Shalit.

 

Speaking of chewing, did you know Barack Obama eats?  It’s true.  That would explain one of the biggest videos of the week, in which Barack Obama gives a restaurant review as only Barack Obama can.

 

THOUGHTS:

:10—(Forehead slap)

:25—“I…think…there’s…a…ladybug…on…my…face…”

:32—“Needs more marble columns.”

1:01—Forget Bill Ayers, this man’s been canoodling with Aunt Jemima!

 

Tune in next week, as John McCain reviews The Last Supper.  Zing.  Still old.

That’s all for now.  If you’re in town, I’ll be at The Comedy Studio Thursday night on the MC Mr. Napkins Show!  8 pm!  $8/6.  See ya then!


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