Well, the year has come to an end, and it was surely one of the more interesting in a long time. We saw a guy catch a ball with his face to beat the Patriots. We saw Amy Winehouse replace Keith Richards as the go-to junky punchline. We saw Michael Phelps win eight gold medals, and a team of Chinese gymnasts do their preschool proud. At the end of the day, it’s hard to argue what was the year’s biggest story—an improbable rise, a feat once thought unthinkable that has changed the landscape of this country to an historic degree. Of course, I’m referring to the Celtics winning their 17th World Championship.
Anyway, when I started writing this blog, it was mainly a scrap heap of jokes that couldn’t find a home elsewhere. Then when I realized I didn’t have anything else to plug, it became a thing I told people to read. Either way, it was fun to go back over all this stuff from the past few months and pick out some of the best..as well as some of the worst. So, without further ado, I give you…
THE BEST 50 JOKES OF 2008!!!
Over the weekend, John McCain questioned Barack Obama’s radical ties. Obama responded by questioning McCain’s bitchin’ suspenders. (5/8)
The Washington Times had an article talking about John McCain being superstitious. With him, McCain carries a lucky penny, nickel, and quarter, as well as a lucky feather—or as Ralph Nader would call them, “campaign funds.” (5/8)
Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones have created a website on which they share lurid details of their sexual encounters with President Clinton. So far, the site has over a million hits—all from President Clinton. (6/10)
As part of their plan to assassinate Barack Obama, two white supremacists planned to dress in all white tuxedos and top hats during the attempt. The men have been charged with conspiracy to murder and attempted puttin’ on of the Ritz. (11/4)
The makers of Cabbage Patch Kids have unveiled a new Sarah Palin doll. She’s said to be hollow and wide-eyed—just like the doll. (11/4)
Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted the position of Secretary of State. Hillary celebrated with a bottle of Chablis, while Bill celebrated with his intern, Chablis. (11/18)
In his first public speaking engagement since admitting to an extramarital affair, John Edwards told students at Indiana University his favorite superhero is Superman. Edwards said, “Anybody who has nice hair and two lives is my kind of guy.” (11/18)
Congress is reportedly considering a potential bailout plan for the ailing U.S. automakers. The deal would be worth $25 billion—20, once it’s off the lot. (11/25)
The Democrats voted to allow Joe Lieberman to keep his chairmanship of the Senate Homeland Security Committee despite his support for John McCain. The one condition is that at all times, Lieberman must stand next to someone who’s wearing an “I’m with Stupid” shirt. (11/25)
In a recent interview, President Bush said he was “unprepared for war.” However, Bush said he was fully prepared to make massive understatements. (12/2)
Politico.com reports that despite promising his daughters a new pet, Barack Obama said he doesn’t want a “girly dog” in the White House. Ironically, this was also the line he used to talk people out of voting for Hillary. (12/2)
On Friday, President Bush was on hand when the National Portrait Gallery unveiled his official portrait. However, there was one awkward moment when Bush started waving at the painting and said, “Hey, what’s wrong with this mirror?” (12/24)
A new study shows that in the U.S., one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. To which R. Kelly said, “You’re welcome.” (6/10)
After complaints from women’s rights groups, the city of Atlanta is removing all “Men at Work” signs from its roads. However, all “Duran Duran” signs will remain in place. (7/22)
The Sierra Nevada Corporation claims it’s ready to start selling a ray gun that actually makes people hear voices in their head. They say this would allow everyday people to experience what it’s like to be Paula Abdul. (7/22)
In New York City, a man is accused of ripping 87 parking meters from the ground and pocketing over $6,000 in quarters. Neighbors first became suspicious when they noticed the man doing an extremely high amount of laundry. (9-7)
Police in Florida shut down a major highway for six hours after a tractor-trailer overturned, spilling 3.5 million nickels all over the road. Said the driver, “If I had a nickel for every nickel I just spilled, I’d have 3.5 million more nickels.” (9/23)
According to new research, what people smell before they go to sleep can affect if they have negative or positive dreams. As a result, New Jersey has changed its nickname to “The Nightmare State.” (9/30)
An actress from a touring company of “Peter Pan” is suing the production company, alleging she was fired because she complained about the actor who played Captain Hook slapping her rear-end and saying “Nice Ass.” The worst part: he did it with the hook hand. (12/19)
A pair of thieves in Michigan stole a tractor trailer that contained over 1,400 pairs of shoes. As a result, President Bush has been moved to an undisclosed location. (12/19)
The city of Rome has passed a new law that prohibits people from snaking near monuments. To which Kirstie Alley said, “What about snacking on monuments?” (7/22)
The Vatican said that candidates for the Catholic priesthood should undergo psychological test to screen out heterosexuals unable to control their sexual urges and those with strong homosexual tendencies—or, as they’re more commonly known, “people.” (11/4)
The word “meh” has been added to Collins English Dictionary. When asked about it, English teachers said, “Hmph!” (11/18)
The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that obese passengers are entitled to a free extra seat when flying on Air Canada or WestJet. When he heard the news, a spokesman for obese people said, “Uh, does this mean we get an extra meal?” (11/25)
In Amsterdam, officials announced plans to close the city’s brothels, sex shops and marijuana cafes. As a result, the unemployment rate in Amsterdam is now 100%.
In Hong Kong, a giant panda named Peace bit a park keeper’s left leg while he was laying bamboo leaves in the animal’s pen. Park officials called this the most ironic incident since a panda named Violence treated everyone respectfully. (12/16)
After winning the championship, the Celtics had a big parade through the middle of the city. But because gas prices are so high, the Duck Boats were pushed by members of the Bruins. (6/25)
There are now allegations that Roger Clemens used Viagra as a performance enhancing drug for baseball! I guess what gave him away was the fact that every time he went up to hit, he never brought a bat. (6/25)
The Boston Red Sox traded slugger Manny Ramirez to the Dodgers. And LA fans are just ecstatic; in fact tonight, some showed up as early as the third inning. (8/5)
President Bush took time to meet with the United States fencing team. However, things grew awkward when he asked how things were coming at the Mexican border. (8/12)
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has announced plans to write a book. In related news, Chinese gymnast He Kexin announced plans to color one. (8-26)
Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has reportedly agreed to a plea bargain deal that would get him out of jail early. When asked about it, Vick said, “Hey, every dog has his day.” (12/2)
Two cricket players, who had not picked up a baseball until April, were recently signed by the Pittsburgh Pirates after winning a baseball reality show in India. The guys had hoped planned to join the Mets’ bullpen, but were told they were overqualified. (12/2)
The CEO of Warner Bros. has written a letter to fans, apologizing for the postponement of the latest Harry Potter film. However, Horn only made things worse when he began the letter “Dear Nerds.” (8-26)
Lance Bass said this week that “the odds are good” for an ‘N Sync reunion. Bass said the reunion will happen when he and the other three guys buy tickets to see Justin Timberlake. (9/14)
The Elvis is Alive Museum was recently put up for sale on eBay. Ironically, it was purchased by Jimmy Hoffa. (9/30)
AC/DC released their first album in eight years through an exclusive agreement with Wal-Mart. The band hopes the move may finally make them popular with the illusive white trash demographic. (11/4)
Oprah Winfrey announced this week that she will take her show to Washington DC for Inauguration week. Oprah said, “I feel this is an excellent opportunity for viewers to see the leader of the free world take her show to the Inauguration.” (12/9)
On a tape played at his false imprisonment trail in London, Boy George admitted that he restrained a male prostitute whom he thought had hacked into his computer, but he denies whipping the man. George said, “Call me old-fashioned, but I think whipping is more of a second or third false imprisonment thing.” (12/9)
Amy Winehouse was recently photographed topless on the beach in the middle of the day. Hey, at least she was up. (12/24)
TEN MOST POPULAR
Dunkin Donuts announced it will stop serving anything with trans fats. As a result, they’ve changed their name to Dunkin Napkins. (7/29)
In a recent interview, John McCain called Teddy Roosevelt his favorite conservative idol. He also called him his favorite college roommate. (7/22)
Joe Biden made a a gaffe when he spoke about President Roosevelt going on television after the stock market crash in 1929, despite the fact that Roosevelt was not yet president and television had not been invented. When asked about the remarks, Biden said he was more embarrassed than President Lincoln when he lost his iPhone at Wal-Mart. (9/30)
At her wedding, First Daughter Jenna Bush selected “You Are So Beautiful” for her dance with her father. And for her dance with Dick Cheney, Jenna selected “Runnin’ With the Devil.” (5/15)
Sarah Palin spent Monday in Georgia, campaigning for Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss in his runoff election. After hearing the news, Chambliss’ opponent said, “This could be the break I’ve been waiting for.” (12/2)
A 54-year-old Wisconsin man recently ate his 23,000th Big Mac. He will be missed. (9/14)
Because of a pay dispute, a massive riot broke out among workers at a factory in China. Afterwards, witnesses said they’d never seen so many fighting toddlers. (12/2)
Actress Minnie Driver gave birth to a baby boy, but won’t reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, “I owe you one.” (9/14)
Over 300 were killed in a shooting rampage in India. No wonder I couldn’t get tech support! (12/2)
AND…THE JOKE THAT (believe it or not) PEOPLE SEEMED TO LIKE THE MOST…
Police in Los Angeles were investigating allegations that somebody drugged Britney Spears. So far, they’ve narrowed it down to one suspect: Britney Spears. (6/10)
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If you’re near Turners Falls, MA, come by and see me, Rich Gustus, Sean Sullivan, Chrissy Kelleher, and Jen Myszykowski at the Shea Theater. Otherwise, thanks for reading, Happy New Year, and here’s some stuff I’m embarrassed I wrote.
THE TEN WORST
(There’s plenty where these came from)
A pair of Belgian software developers has invented a video game where players try to kill each other by peeing. I believe it’s called Grand Theft Potty. (5/28)
Boy band mogul Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for scamming investors out of $300 million. He’s gone from NSYNC to in-clink. (5/28)
The fattest man in the world announced he is engaged to his longtime girlfriend. The guy went all out with his proposal; even got down on one chin. (10/14)
Scientists in Europe are warning that children could suffer permanent hearing loss if they listen to MP3 players at too high a volume. Unfortunately, many believe the warning will fall on deaf ears. (10/21)
A woman in Florida was arrested after pouring scalding hot water on her husband’s groin while he slept. Talk about roasted nuts! (10/21)
A walrus at a zoo in Turkey has become a major attraction after learning to play the saxophone. Unfortunately, the animal insists on playing just one song—you guessed it, “I Am the Walrus.” (12/10)
A fortuneteller in Florida is being sued for failing to pay back $13,000 dollars, which was given to her by a woman with the promise it would be returned once the evil hanging over her family was lifted. Said the fortuneteller, “I should have seen this one coming.” (11/28)
A man in Baltimore is suing a doctor for stapling his rectum shut during an operation that made him unable to defecate for 17 days. Said the doctor, “Ah, he’s full of crap.” (9/30)
One of the big movies coming out is the Oliver Stone film W. When asked if he planned to see W, President Bush said he’d wait until he’d seen A through V. (10/21)
The woman who invented the Slinky has died at age 90. She was placed in a casket, and thrown down the stairs. (11/25)
Mark Teixiera signed an eight-year, $180 million deal with the New York Yankees. When asked about it, Teixiera said, “After six years in the big leagues, I thought it was time to underachieve.”
The Boston Celtics won their 19th consecutive game Tuesday night. In the spirit of Christmas, the team donated four of those wins to the Detroit Lions.
Hundreds of Amtrak trains were delayed by bitter cold and snowstorms on Tuesday. However, officials said the problems have been worked out, and all trains are once again spiraling down embankments on schedule.
On Friday, President Bush was on hand when the National Portrait Gallery unveiled his official portrait. However, there was one awkward moment when Bush started waving at the painting and said, “Hey, what’s wrong with this mirror?”
At a question-and-answer session in Washington, President Bush said he won’t miss some of the “petty name-calling” in the Nation’s capitol. Bush then said, “Next question—douchebag in the tie.”
President Bush remarked that he and President-Elect Obama share at least one thing in common, as they will both brought two daughters with them to the White House. In fact today, in a show of good sportsmanship, the Bush twins presented Obama’s daughters with their old fake IDs.
At Barack Obama’s inauguration, there will be 5,000 temporary toilets available along the parade route. When he heard the news, Senator Larry Craig said, “I am so there.”
Renowned cellist Yo-Yo Ma will perform at Barack Obama’s inauguration. He was originally scheduled to perform at President Bush’s inaugurations, but each time, Bush couldn’t stop laughing at his name.
Barack Obama is under fire for choosing controversial reverend Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. People in the gay community said they were deeply offended when Warren compared gay marriage to incest. Meanwhile, people in Kentucky said they were offended when Warren compared incest to gay marriage.
Officials in Washington D.C. expect Barack Obama’s inauguration to cost upwards of $50 million—and that’s just for Oprah’s security.
According to a new report, Barack Obama had little contact with disgraced governor Rod Blagojevich. In fact, the only contact between the two camps came with Joe Biden asked Blagojevich if he could borrow some hair.
Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich held a press conference at the end of the week to comment on his scandal. Not surprisingly, it was broadcast only on Pay-Per-View.
MTV announced it will produce 16 new reality shows over the next four months. Each show will feature young people working in teams to determine exactly when MTV started to suck.
It was rumored that Eddie Murphy will be the first African-American ever to play The Riddler in the next Batman film. The actor he beat out: Hillary Clinton.
Hillary Clinton announced she would forgive a $13.2 million loan to her campaign. To which President Clinton said, “Oh, so that she forgives.”
It was rumored that Britney Spears may ask ex-husband Kevin Federline to move back in with her. Federline said he’s all for it, but first, he has to find someone to sublet his box.
Pope Benedict said that saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behavior was just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction. Then, he admitted that if he weren’t the Pope, he’d totally do Sting.
Yesterday at the Vatican, Pope Benedict spoke of the need to curb men from engaging in homosexual acts. Then the Pope said, “Lesbians—you just keep doin’ what you do.”
It’s been reported that in the wake of the bad economy, shoplifting is at an all-time high. It’s true, I read it in the paper I stole.
The owners of the New York Mets were reportedly swindled out of $300 million by Bernie Madoff. In fact, baseball insiders say the Mets may have to use cheaper players than ever to crumble in September.
Madoff is being categorized by some media outlets as the “most hated man in New York.” The good news: Ann Coulter is off the hook.
Vice-President Dick Cheney admitted he’s not sure if Osama bin Laden is still alive. Then Cheney said, “To be honest, I’m not sure if I’m still alive.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney admitted he’s not sure if Osama bin Laden is still alive. Cheney said he was unsure if bin Laden was still alive, because it had been a while since he updated his Twitter.
Brazil has reportedly struck a deal to receive nuclear sub technology from France. You can tell the subs were made by the French, because they come with a button that raises a white flag.
Al Sharpton took Caroline Kennedy to lunch in Harlem Thursday. Sharpton thought it would be a nice gesture, because she’s seeking a Senate appointment, and he hadn’t seen his name in the press for a couple hours.
Caroline Kennedy continues to seek Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat. The press has noted that Kennedy’s resume is heavy in terms of politics, but light in terms of actual public service. In other words, she’ll be a perfect fit.
In Australia, a couple that had gone into hiding after defaulting on its mortgage was served legal documents on the social networking site Facebook.com. Authorities said they were able to confirm the couple’s profiles, because their interests were “defaulting on mortgage” and “hiding.”
A New Jersey couple was upset with a local supermarket refused to personalize a birthday cake for their three-year-old son, whose name is Adolf Hitler. The boy was reportedly very upset—but not nearly as upset as his sister, Ivan the Terrible.
In Lima, Peru, researchers uncovered the ruins of a city that had been lost since the year 1100. Perhaps most amazing was the fact that even then, it had 11 Starbucks.
Amy Winehouse was recently photographed topless on the beach in the middle of the day. Hey, at least she was up.
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Told you it would be up around midnight…Pacific Time. Anyway, if you’re in Vermont (all none of you, probably), I’ll be at the Hooker-Dunham Theater in Brattleboro this Saturday. And if you’re near Turners Falls, MA, I’ll be at the Shea Theater on New Year’s Eve. Next week, in lieu of actual fresh, written material, it’ll be the 50 Best Jokes of 2008! Have a Happy YOUR HOLIDAY HERE !
A pair of thieves in Michigan stole a tractor trailer that contained over 1,400 pairs of shoes. As a result, President Bush has been moved to an undisclosed location.
While appearing on ABC’s This Week, John McCain said he can’t guarantee that he’ll endorse Sarah Palin if she runs for president in 2012. When asked why, McCain said, “I’m 72…”
It’s been reported that disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich becomes very angry if his black Paul Mitchell hairbrush is not immediately nearby. And reportedly, his hair gets even madder.
It’s reported that Blagojevich refers to the brush as “the football.” Which is appropriate, since most people refer to his hair as “the stadium.”
A group of judges in Germany picked a word that refers to a group of people over 30 as its youth word of the year. The word is “gammelfleishparty,” which in English means “Hootie and the Blowfish concert.”
A new study suggests that obese women actually have more sex than skinnier women. Experts say obese women have more sex, because once the guy’s on the bottom, he’s got no way of getting out.
In Hong Kong, a giant panda named Peace bit a park keeper’s left leg while he was laying bamboo leaves in the animal’s pen. Park officials called this the most ironic incident since a panda named Violence treated everyone respectfully.
Officials at Dulles International Airport discovered the charred carcasses of three monkeys in the luggage of a man traveling from Central Africa. Police have released this sketch of the suspect.
Al Gore recently described Global Warming as “the equivalent of a five-alarm fire that has to be addressed immediately.” Coincidentally, that’s also how he described the Detroit Lions.
The Arena Football League announced it is canceling the 2009 season. Today, league officials met to decide how to break the news to their season ticket holder.
It’s being reported that many illegal immigrants are leaving the U.S., vowing never to return. As a result, all Wal-Marts will now be self-serve.
It was reported that Dallas Cowboys Terrell Owens and Jason Whitten got into an altercation in the team’s locker room. Fortunately, the fight was broken up with Plaxico Burress showed up and shot himself.
As part of Fox’s New Year’s Eve Live show, Robbie Knievel will attempt to jump over the recently renovated Mirage Volcano. Today, the network said it will have grief counselors on hand in case Knievel survives.
A Santa Claus in New Jersey was attacked and clawed by a bobcat, after a woman brought the animal to get a picture of the cat on his lap. The man said he knew there might be danger—when a stranger placed a live bobcat in his lap.
In England, a 15-year-old cat has been fitted with contact lenses. The cat’s happy with the lenses, because now it can see everyone it ignores.
In California, three Kentucky Fried Chicken employees were fired for bathing in the restaurant’s kitchen sink. How shocking is that? Kentucky Fried Chicken employees, bathing??
It was reported that OJ Simpson was offered a three year jail deal before his current robbery trial, but turned it down. Said Simpson “That was probably the fourth-dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”
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Happy December 16. I hope it finds you nice and cheery—even if that’s rare, these days. One thing that I think is cool is NBC’s announcement that Jay Leno will stay with the network, hosting a nightly show at 10. The reason I think this is cool is that, if you read this, you know that I’m a monologue guy, and from my perspective, it’s always good to have as many voices as possible telling jokes. Will it work? Time will tell, but Jay and Conan O’Brien have been pretty untouchable for the past 15 years. It’s tough to bet against them.
What’s also tough to bet against is you having a good time at the Greater Boston Alternative Festival, this Wednesday night at the Paradise in Allston. Great lineup, worth a you going to.
But speaking of things, one article in particular stood out as my favorite this week. As you may know, one of my favorite bands is Barenaked Ladies. If you don’t like them, it could be because you think they are corny, hammy, make too many songs about monkeys and are a Weird Al or They Might Be Giants rip-off. Here’s why I do like them: their album (non-monkey) tracks are great, they are amazing musicians, they play everything from rock to country, and they harmonize, which many bands today do not. Now usually, when it comes to liking or disliking music, there’s usually no right or wrong. Unless, this is true…
Sir Paul McCartney supposedly called Barenaked Ladies his “favorite” band today, and even said he might be interested in producing their next album. If it’s erroneous, fine, we go back to disagreeing. But if it’s true—oof. That’s all I can say to you. I mean, that’s like Bill Russell calling Kevin Garnett his favorite basketball player. But after a tough year, I guess it always helps to have a Beatle on your side—provided said Beatle isn’t Ringo.
In keeping with the theme, and paying respect to the shopping season (as well as the fact I have nothing else to put here), I figured we’d finish this week with one of my favorites from college. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…Shopping.
That’s all he wrote. See ya next week.
Facebook users have been warned about a virus known as “Koobface,” which uses the network’s messaging system to infect computers. While the virus had little effect on most users, it did make friending people difficult for Skidmore freshman, Mike Koobface.
In Amsterdam, officials announced plans to close the city’s brothels, sex shops and marijuana cafes. In related news, there are no longer any jobs in Amsterdam.
OJ Simpson was sentenced to 13 years in prison for kidnapping and armed robbery. Said Simpson, “Ha, ha, very funny. Seriously, when’s it cool to go play golf?”
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that she has become “addicted” to skydiving. In fairness, Paris said she’s addicted to anything that involves a stranger strapped to her back.
According to an AP report, the Bush administration ignored accurate warnings in 2006 about a financial meltdown. When asked about it, President Bush said, “Please. I just got around to reading about some crazy terror plot.”
In an interview with ABC News, President Bush said that going to war with Iraq over faulty intelligence was “a do-over that I can’t do.” And so continues the President’s pattern of equating colossal military and diplomacy blunders to kickball.
Barack Obama was a guest on Meet the Press on Sunday. Obama spoke for nearly half an hour, and gave almost two minutes worth of answers.
When asked about the economy, Obama said things were likely to get worse before they got better. Ironically, this was also how he summed up the Detroit Lions.
Barack Obama’s 27-year-old director of speechwriting is in hot water, after party photos surfaced of him groping the breast of a Hillary Clinton cardboard cutout. When he saw the photos, President Bill Clinton said, “This is obviously a deeply disturbed individual.”
Bill Clinton said Wednesday he will be a “sounding board” for his wife Hillary when she becomes Secretary of State, vowing to continue the practice set when he was president and used to talk to her about “everything.” Well, almost everything…
Hillary Clinton said that she decided to join Barack Obama’s team as Secretary of State because she wanted to be part of the “greatest adventure of our century.” To which Barack Obama said, “Adventure, right. Now about my dry cleaning…”
Republican Florida congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen hung up twice on Barack Obama when he called to talk about bipartisanship, because she thought it was a prank call. Though in fairness, Obama did begin each call by asking Ros-Lehtinen if her fridge was running.
Oprah Winfrey announced this week that she will take her show to Washington DC for Inauguration week. Oprah said, “I feel this is an excellent opportunity for viewers to see the leader of the free world take her show to the Inauguration.”
On a tape played at his false imprisonment trail in London, Boy George admitted that he restrained a male prostitute whom he thought had hacked into his computer, but he denies whipping the man. George said, “Call me old-fashioned, but I think whipping is more of a second or third false imprisonment thing.”
Barack Obama said he will not make tougher gun laws, and that Americans don’t need to stock up on them. To which Plaxico Burress said, “Now you tell me.”
It was noted this week that many of the people Barack Obama has chosen for his cabinet are basketball players. This could also explain today’s nomination of Dennis Rodman as Secretary of Crazy Hair.
Both Madonna and Alex Rodriguez were in Mexico City last weekend, but when asked if it was a planned trip, A-Rod only said “Very good.” This just goes to show that a baseball isn’t the only thing A-Rod can’t properly field.
Burger King is being criticized for a new ad campaign called “Whopper Virgins” in which remote villagers in poor nations participate in a taste test between the Whopper and McDonald’s Big Mac. Even so, “Whopper Virgins” still sounds a lot better than the campaign’s first name, “Food Virgins.”
TLC announced a new reality series called 17 Kids and Counting, which follows an Arkansas couple, their 17 children and the birth of their 18th child. Fittingly, it will be sponsored by Trojan.
According to a complaint filed by a watchdog group, at least five candidates in addition to Sarah Palin used campaign money for clothing. Most notable was Ralph Nader, who reportedly purchased his suit at the Dollar Store.
The poor economy is forcing many communities around the country to scale back their Christmas season decorations—thus setting an all-time record for families in your neighborhood who “must be Jewish.”
Nobel Prize winner Jean-Marie Gustav Le Cleizo said recently that the Internet may have stopped Hitler. Specifically, Le Cleizo said many Nazis would have left the group after Hitler sent out too many e-mails.
A walrus at a zoo in Turkey has become a major attraction after learning to play the saxophone. Unfortunately, the animal insists on playing just one song—you guessed it, “I Am the Walrus.”
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Happy December 9, everybody. And thank you to those of you who read this. First off, let me mention that I will be at The Comedy Studio this Saturday night in Harvard Square. It’s the last time I’ll be there this month, so if you want to catch a show, come on out. I recommend buying tickets in advance on the club’s website, or getting there by about 7:25 to get walk-up tickets.
Nextly (not a word), did you like a couple of last week’s jokes? Well, so did DailyComedy.com, as several were featured as staff picks. Nothing too spectacular, as lots of people’s jokes have been picked as Staff Picks over the last couple years, but at least I’m not totally insane doing this.
Thirdly (a word), check out the Boston Comedy Blog, put together by one Nick A. Zaino III. In addition to being one of those Roman numerals after his name guys, Nick is also cool because he wrote a great comedy column for the Globe, and is now writing on his own site. As a matter of fact, one show I was on got very nicely reviewed by him last Thursday.
And, if you’re in town next Wednesday, I strongly suggest you check out the Greater
Boston Alternative Comedy Festival, or as nobody really calls it, GBACF. A great, great lineup of comics that I like a lot, and you will too. Robby Roadsteamer, Shane Mauss, the Walsh Brothers, Bethany Van Delft, Chris Coxen, Mehran and other people you’ll enjoy. Now that all that messing around is out of the way, it’s time to move on to matters more vital to this site’s core…it’s time for…
CAUSE & EFFECT
Times, they are a-tough…but not for the arches! McDonald’s is one of the few institutions wheeling and dealing during these tough economic times, as more and more Americans try to save money/pray for death by consuming more and more Mickey D’s. Did I just consume McDonald’s myself this very evening? You’re damn right I did. Which makes it only fitting to give you a Cause & Effect Breakdown of McDonald’s During the Recession:
Cause: McDonald’s announces 7.7% rise in sales.
Effect: Ronald McDonald finally able to afford surgery to become Cyndi McDonald.
Cause: McDonald’s adjusts to economy by featuring just one slice of cheese on its Dollar Menu burger.
Effect: customers forced to wait slightly longer for heart attack.
Cause: McDonald’s begins to offer healthier options on its menu.
Effect: Customers surprised to find the #6 is a map to another restaurant.
Cause: McDonald’s happy to announce a spike in sales in Europe.
Effect: As a result, French people have begun calling “Fat, Dumb and Ugly Americans” “Just Dumb and Ugly Americans.”
Cause: McDonald’s caters to late night crowd by extending operating hours.
Effect: Food now more accessible for hookers, rapists and football players who just shot themselves.
Cause: McDonald’s seeks to capitalize on popularity by placing restaurants in strategic locations.
Effect: Announces opening of chain in Kirstie Alley’s bedroom.
And that’s all he wrote.
In Valley Stream, New York, a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a mob of 2,000 shoppers. When told the man was dead, surviving Wal-Mart employees said, “That lucky bastard.”
Over 300 were killed in a shooting rampage in India. No wonder I couldn’t get any tech support.
Because of a pay dispute, a massive riot broke out among workers at a factory in China. Witnesses said they’d never seen so many fighting toddlers.
People everywhere are getting into the holiday spirit. In fact today, astronauts on the space shuttle Endeavor were rigging that machine to convert their urine into eggnog.
Politico.com reports that despite promising his daughters a new pet, Barack Obama said he doesn’t want a “girly dog” in the White House. Ironically, this was also the line he used to talk people out of voting for Hillary.
The Bush Administration made a gaffe, when it sent out an invitation for the White House Hanukah party with a picture of a Christmas tree on it. Still, this wasn’t as bad as last year’s card, which featured Jesus eating a ham.
A café in Iowa has been swamped with requests for the so-called “Barack Obama cookie.” The cookie is described as being the best cookie ever—even though no one’s actually tasted it yet.
Cuban President Raul Castro told Sean Penn he’d like to meet with Barack Obama. Obama said he’d like to meet with Castro too, but suggested they go out the first couple times in a group.
Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has reportedly agreed to a plea bargain deal that would get him out of jail early. When asked about it, Vick said, “Hey, every dog has his day.”
Two cricket players, who had not picked up a baseball until April, were recently signed by the Pittsburgh Pirates after winning a baseball reality show in India. The guys had hoped planned to join the Mets’ bullpen, but were told they were overqualified.
In Michigan, an ex-con facing charges of kidnapping and attempted murder escaped from prison. Police warned people to be on the lookout for an armed and disheveled man wearing tattered clothes—to which people in Detroit said, “You’ll have to be more specific.”
Florida Gulf Coast University has canceled its annual holiday card competition, and replaced it with an ugly sweater contest. The school says it wanted to put less emphasis on religion, and more emphasis on Bill Cosby.
Officials in New York said that Al-Qaeda may be plotting a terror attack on the city’s subways. As a result, subway riders have been warned to urinate with extreme caution.
An appeals court in France has ruled that voodoo dolls of President Nicolas Sarkozy may remain on sale. Sarkozy didn’t comment on the ruling, because he had a splitting headache.
The Dalai Lama said recently that sex invariably leads to trouble. Then he said, “Unless you give the girl a phony name.”
Whitney Houston denied reports that she may be reuniting with her ex-husband Bobby Brown. Whitney said the couple has no plans to reconcile, and will continue to hit other people.
It’s been reported that Barack Obama bought his wife a $30,000 diamond ring. To which Kobe Bryant said, “Did he cheat on his wife, too?”
In New Jersey, a police standoff came to an end, when a would-be bank robber wound up being a full-size cardboard figure. Police said they were glad the standoff was called off, because it let them get back to studying that ghost in Three Men and a Baby.
The New York Post reports that Ann Coulter had to have her mouth wired shut after she broke her jaw. Doctors say this shouldn’t affect Coulter’s speech, since she spends most of her time talking out of her ass.
Not bad, huh? Well unfortunately for me, my good friend Ryan Stevenson already beat me to it. Winnachronicle Pride, bitches.
Barack Obama named 81-year-old Paul Volcker to head his new economic recovery board. I don’t want to say Volcker is old, but his first plan is another stimulus package that would pay each American a whole nickel.
Barack Obama has created a new seating chart for presidential press conferences, in which reporters are assigned to one of two sections—White Sox or Cubs. Apparently, Obama decided to name one side after the Cubs, because those reporters take October off.
Geneticists are working on a test that can determine what sport a child was born to play. For instance, if a child excels in running and throwing, it would recommends the child play football; while if a child excels in falling and crying, it recommends the child plays for the Lions.
The Detroit Lions lost their 12th game of the year, and are now 0-12. When asked how he planned to get his team on the winning track, the Lions’ coach said, “Switching sports.”
Rosie O’Donnell’s primetime special did not do well in the ratings. In fact today, Rosie said the government knew it would bomb beforehand, and didn’t try to stop it.
Singer Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital, after reacting badly to a combination of drugs. Of course, to Winehouse, “reacting badly” means remaining conscious.
One of the toys on the market this year is Elmo Live, which features Elmo doing a standup comedy routine. Unfortunately, it was recently discovered that Elmo stole many of his bits from Louis CK.
* * * * *
Well, happy holidays everyone. Hopefully you had a nice Thanksgiving. I had a nice time eating with family, including my 86-year-old grandmother who took a header when she was out with my mom and now looks like Rocky. She’s a tough old lady, though, and I only hope that when I’m 86, I’m half the tough old lady she is. Also got to see my good friend Tom Martin, who brought two of his friends to see me at The Comedy Studio. Now, I don’t think they’re his friends anymore.
I like two sports stories the most this week, both out of New York. The obvious one is Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg. Now here’s my question: can he refuse to testify against himself, now? Can he accuse himself of intimidation? I just picture him putting a mirror 10 feet from his face, taking the stand, and freezing—yelling, “I can’t testify with him staring back at me like that!!”
The other story is LeBron James basically giving his two-year notice to Cleveland, in order to take a job with the Knicks. Now in fairness, this is a move he should make. New York is the difference between being a millionaire and a billionaire for a guy like him, and he would likely go down as the greatest Knick of all-time. However, his calling actual Hall of Famer Charles Barkley stupid is just plain foolish. It’s ironic, because I think the two have a lot in common; they’re both charismatic media darlings who always get it done—except when it counts. Just like Larry Bird, Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan did a better job with the game on the line than Barkley, Chris Paul, Dwyane Wade and even Carmelo Anthony hold up better than LeBron. And really, where does he get off lusting after a hypothetical job in New York, when he should be focusing on the job he has? Who would ever do that? Oh, right. And how’d that end up?
But now, I feel it’s time we get back to hard news. Without further filler, it’s time for…
CAUSE & EFFECT
About another month and a half to go, before the go-to punchline of Monologia departs the White House for his (12-week?) vacation home in Crawford, Texas. Yes, folks, President George W. Bush is leaving. But, not without giving a few interviews. Tonight, he talked to ABC’s Charlie Gibson, and maybe he’ll pipe up to help out Laura with her memoirs. Perhaps the most interesting interview, however, was an interview Bush did with a relative, reflecting on his reign—I’m sorry, term in office. For the sake of this piece, the interview has reportedly had a great deal of fallout. So great, I feel it’s important for us to do a Cause & Effect Breakdown of the President Bush NPR Interview…
Cause: Interview conducted by Bush’s sister, Doro Bush Koch.
Effect: In true Bush fashion, Koch can’t find a way to close it.
Cause: Because it was conducted by Bush’s sister, interview labeled subjective.
Effect: Further research reveals this was a compromise, as Bush originally wanted to interview himself.
Cause: Bush states desire to be remembered for teaching people to “rally behind their neighbor.”
Effect: New Secret Service Codename: Mr. Rogers.
Cause: Bush thanks his father for unconditional love.
Effect: Bush Senior responds, “He deserves it…wait, we’re talking about Jeb, right?”
Cause: Excerpts of interview made available for broadcast on National Public Radio.
Effect: Not available is portion in which Bush debates which Stooge would make the best Supreme Court nominee.
Cause: Bush says he wants to be remembered as someone who “did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process.”
Effect: Dick Cheney responds, “Speak for yourself.”
I’m at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Saturday. Come one, come all. Or, just a couple of you.