November 24th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Congress is reportedly considering a potential bailout plan for the ailing U.S. automakers.  The deal would be worth $25 billion—20, once it’s off the lot.

 

The Democrats voted to allow Joe Lieberman to keep his chairmanship of the Senate Homeland Security Committee despite his support for John McCain.  The one condition is that at all times, Lieberman must stand next to someone who’s wearing an “I’m with Stupid” shirt.

 

The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that obese passengers are entitled to a free extra seat when flying on Air Canada or WestJet.  When he heard the news, a spokesman for obese people said, “Uh, does this mean we get an extra meal?”

  

NBC was sued by Lifetime over claims that it’s blocking the cable channel from airing future episodes of Project Runway.  One legal expert said, “This case is a classic example of an obscure network that nobody really watches, being sued by Lifetime.”

 

Britney Spears will reportedly take part in NBC’s Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony.  Britney said, “It’ll be nice to be someplace where I’m not the only one getting lit.”

 

It was recently confirmed that Adolph Hitler lost a testicle in World War I.  The news means that Lance Armstrong wasn’t the only guy with one testicle to conquer France.  Hey, it’s true.

 

Scientists announced this week that they have decoded 80 percent of the DNA of the extinct woolly mammoth and the effort could lead to re-creating a live copy.  The scientists say they obtained the DNA by sampling wooly mammoth remains, as well a vile of Snuffleupagus’ semen.

 

A Nepalese teenager, whom many believe to be a reincarnation of Buddha, has returned to the jungle to meditate.  Before he left, the teen said, “I’ll be gone for two weeks.  And when I’m back, Buddha better have Rock Band.”

 

A Nepalese teenager, whom many believe to be a reincarnation of Buddha, has returned to the jungle to meditate.  So there you have it parents.  If your teen is spending hours and hours locked alone in his bedroom, there’s a chance he might just be Buddha.

 

According to Reuters, the Associated Press is set to cut 10 percent of its work force.  A spokesman for the AP said “We probably wouldn’t be in such rough shape, if stories about us weren’t being broken by Reuters.”

 

Hugh Jackman said that while filming love scenes with Nicole Kidman for their upcoming movie Australia, they banned their real-life partners from the set because the chemistry between the two of them was so electric.  Disturbingly, this is the same on-set etiquette employed by Hannity and Colmes.

 

Fox News announced that Alan Colmes will relinquish his role as co-host of Hannity & Colmes.  Colmes said he originally planned on making the announcement on the show, but that would have required him to actually speak.

 

Ted Stevens’ loss brings the Democrats within two seats of a 60 seat super-majority in the Senate.  The party will fill the remaining seats if two more Democrats are elected, or if one is elected and is also very fat.

 

After all the votes were tallied it was revealed Barack Obama defeated John McCain in Salt Lake County, Utah.  It turns out the whole thing was a misunderstanding, as people in Utah thought they were voting for Karl Malone.

 

Golfer J.P. Hayes recently disqualified himself from the PGA Tour for using a banned golf ball.  Hayes says now, he’ll watch the Tour using his illegal cable hookup.

 

The NFL is set to broadcast an Oakland Raiders game in 3-D.  The league says 3-D makes the Raiders look so realistic, you’ll actually feel like you’re there losing with them.               

 

ESPN analyst Jalen Rose reports that LeBron James will sign with the New York Knicks once his current contract expires.  LeBron says he’s looking forward to the move, as it’ll be nice to get away from pro basketball.

 

Dustin Pedroia of the Boston Red Sox became one of the shortest players ever to win the MVP Award.  Pedroia was so happy with the trophy, he curled up in it and took a nap.

 

Kevin Youkilis came in third in the voting.  Youkilis was seen yelling, cursing and throwing things—and that was before he heard the results.

  

In the wake of poor sales, several trading card companies have started including strands of celebrity hair in packs of baseball cards.  This could explain why several millions cards were recently purchased by Joe Biden.           

 

Astronauts on the space shuttle Endeavor are tinkering with a machine that’s supposed to turn their urine into drinkable water.  Astronauts said they think they’re getting close, because this morning, they got the machine to turn their urine into Gatorade.     

  

It was reported that Barack Obama’s team is increasingly frustrated with a steady stream of leaks that insiders suspect come from confidants of Hillary Clinton.  When questioned, Clinton’s husband President Bill Clinton, said, “Don’t look at me—my last leak ruined a dress.”

 

The International Herald Tribune reports that as part of her agreement to become Barack Obama’s Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton was promised direct access to the President-Elect.  In fact, Obama said he may even unblock Hillary’s screen name.

 

Patricia Heaton from Everybody Loves Raymond will star in a new sitcom called The Middle, in which she plays a stressed out mother.  It will be called “Everybody Loves Raymond, But Without Raymond.”

 

It’s reported that the new Star Trek movie includes a surprising amount of sex.  As a result, Star Trek fans are expected to find the film unrealistic and hard to follow.

 

A man in Georgia was sentenced to 20 years in prison after he shot another man and wrote a rap song describing the shooting and calling out the victim by name.  For his next song, the man plans to write about committing a crime, and getting caught for it in an unbelievably stupid way.

 

Paris Hilton  recently ended her nine-month relationship with Good Charlotte singer Benji Madden.  Paris said, “I think it’s best for me to get over Benji, and under someone else.”

 

Paris Hilton denied that she’s become romantically involved with ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos.  Paris said, “We’re screwing, it’s just not very romantic.”

 

It’s been reported that actress Jennifer Garner has filed a restraining order against a man who’s been following her around.  The man: Ben Affleck.     

 

In Texas, a group of illegal immigrants was caught trying to sneak across the border in a Wal-Mart truck.  The men were arrested, booked and deported back to Home Depot.

 

Google unveiled a new application for the iPhone that allows users to search the internet by speaking into the phone.  This could explain why more and more iPhone users have been heard yelling “PORN!”

 

In Fort Lupton, Colorado, a judge has started sentencing noise ordinance violators to spend an hour listening to Barry Manilow.  As a result, noise ordinance violations have dropped 100%.

 

The President of the Czech Republic, and soon-to-be President of the European Union Vaclav Klaus reportedly referred to Al Gore as an “Apostle of Arrogance.”  Then today, Klaus announced he was stepping down as president to take a job with Fox News.

 

A man must turn over $873 million in damages for spamming on Facebook.  As a result, the man’s status is currently listed as “needs to borrow $873 million.”

 

Hollywood lawyer Terry Christensen was sentenced to three years in prison for his role in the Pellicano wiretapping case.  As part of his punishment, Christensen will also be given either three years probation, or one day representing Andy Dick.            

   

The woman who invented the Slinky has died at age 90.  She was placed in a casket, and thrown down the stairs.

 

Fin

 

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

So how’s everybody doing, eh?  Gettin’ all ready for your Turkey Day festivities?  I had a fairly bearable week, which was nice.  Actually got to briefly meet Brian Wilson on Wednesday, which was both surreal and great.  Got his autograph on my hat, which is actually a great story.  So great, I’m too lazy to type about it here.  But it was great to see him before Thanksgiving, and will be great to see the other guys before Christmas.  See?  I can handle band divorces.

 

Had a very nice time in Plainville, Connecticut on Saturday.  Don’t confuse this with Plainfield, Connecticut, or Plainview, Connecticut.  But the people there were just plain nice, even as I recounted to them my C-Word=Christmas story from my childhood.  As the schedule tells me, I begin the first of three straight Saturday nights at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Saturday night.  Always great shows, always Chinese food.  And you should be there.  But now, I think it’s time to get serious in this thing called Rinemania.  That’s because it’s time for…

 

CAUSE & EFFECT

 

Just in time for the holidays, another straight-to-video release from Al-Qaeda.  But seriously, folks, the terror guys put out a new message that is essentially a “bring it on” to Barack Obama…which will no doubt exploda-the-heads of the folks still hanging on to the whole Muslim thing.  But just what does this particular A-Q (that’s my band abbreviation for them) message mean?  Read on for a Cause & Effect Analysis of the New Al-Qaeda Message:

 

Cause: Ayman al-Zawahri refers to Barack Obama in demeaning terms and questions his ability to lead. 

Effect: Al-Zawahri sued by the Clintons for plagiarism.

 

Cause: A still image of al-Zawahri is shown, so his face doesn’t move while he speaks.

Effect: Message similar to one of Nancy Pelosi’s speeches.

 

Cause: Video includes several archival speech clips.

Effect: Officials confused by inclusion of Jim Mora’s “Playoffs” rant.

 

Cause: Video runs 11 minutes and 23 seconds.

Effect: Al-Zawahri docked 10 points for going over.

 

Cause: Al-Zawahri threatens President Obama with ongoing hostility.

Effect: Promises a truce, if we hand over the Glade Lady.  Sounds like a deal, to me.

 

Cause: Al-Zawahri keeps message brief and cryptic.

Effect: Ends by telling viewers to go to Al-Qaeda.com for hilarious new webisodes.

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving, and Merry C-Word,

Jon


November 18th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

THE JONOLOGUE

Barack Obama met with John McCain on Monday for the first time since the election.  However, all the tension went out of the meeting when McCain fell asleep.

 

Barack Obama urged President Bush to support immediate emergency aid to struggling US automakers.  Bush responded by sending $100 to the Micro Machines Man.

 

President Bush spent Veterans Day in New York at the newly renovated Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum.  Unfortunately, the trip was ruined when he kept asking to see Fonzie’s jacket.

 

EBay has been forced to remove postings for Obama Inauguration tickets.  Even worse was the discovery that most of them were being sold by power-seller Cheney666.

 

In an interview with the Today Show, Sarah Palin says that she would not hesitate to run for President in 2012 if it’s God’s will.  Then God said, “Trust me, it’s not.”

 

Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted the position of Secretary of State.  Hillary celebrated with a bottle of Chablis, while Bill celebrated with his intern, Chablis.

 

There is speculation Rudolph Giuliani could run for Governor of New York.  Giuliani said he’ll make a decision after talking it over with his wife, and discussing it further with his next wife.

 

Rupert Murdoch said the collapse of the newspaper industry can be blamed on a culture of “complacency and condescension” in the newsrooms.  In response, newspaper staffers said, “Whatever, dumbass.”

 

In his first public speaking engagement since admitting to an extramarital affair, John Edwards told students at Indiana University his favorite superhero is Superman.  Edwards said, “Anybody who has nice hair and two lives is my kind of guy.”

  

Hundreds of homes in California were destroyed over the weekend by wildfires—which didn’t really upset the owners, since they were recently foreclosed on.

 

As of Sunday, no human remains had been found—except at Phil Spector’s house, but that’s another matter.

 

In the wake of California’s new ban on same-sex marriage, Melissa Etheridge said in her blog that she is not a full citizen.  Following the comment, Etheridge was immediately offered a job at Wal-Mart.

 

Cuban president Raul Castro said he plans to visit Russia next year.  Castro said he’ll make the trip as soon as he’s done putting snow tires on his raft.

 

The Associated Press reports that Huntington, West Virginia is the unhealthiest town in America, as over half of the town’s adults are obese.  Of course, this is West Virginia we’re talking about, so it’s probably just hereditary.

 

The new Yankee stadium is being wired so that fans can watch replays and order food using their cell phones.  The team says it’s doing this to make the Stadium douchebag-accessible.

 

Paul McCartney said that he wants to release a 14 minute experimental track that the Beatles recorded in 1967.  McCartney said, “I thought it would be fun to release a song that actually lasts longer than one of my marriages.”

 

This week is NBC’s “Green is Universal,” week in which the network’s shows work to educate viewers about ways they can be more environmentally conscious.  The network says it’s been doing its part by recycling Knight Rider.

 

Actor Val Kilmer said he is talking to Arnold Schwarzenegger to get advice on how to become a US state governor.  Kilmer said, “I was going to ask him for acting tips, but I figured I’d stick to something he knew about.”

 

The word “meh” has been added to Collins English Dictionary.  When asked about it, English teachers said, “Hmph!”

 

PETA plans to send two naked women to protest outside a Louisiana circus.  Yeah. That’ll show ‘em.

 

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly on the verge of breaking up with her girlfriend Samantha Ronson.  When asked what she learned from dating another woman, Lohan said, “Wait, that was a woman?”

 

During an interview with Access Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan called Barack Obama the nation’s “first colored President.”  To which President Bush said, “Bitch, I color every day.”

 

 

WHATEVER

 

According to new statistics, once every three days, a child under age 10 is admitted to a hospital in England for alcohol-related problems.  Man, what a fucked up kid.

 

A fortuneteller in Florida is being sued for failing to pay back $13,000 dollars, which was given to her by a woman with the promise it would be returned once the evil hanging over her family was lifted.  Said the fortuneteller, “I should have seen this one coming.”

 

A man in Illinois broke a 22 year-old record by hitting five hole-in-ones in one week.  The man said he would have had six hole-in-ones, if it weren’t for that damn windmill.  

 

 

Fin

 

*First of all, I will be performing at The Comedy Studio’s Mystery Lounge TONIGHT (Tuesday) at 8 pm.  Secondly, I will be performing at Mottley’s Comedy Club on Wednesday.  Thirdly, if you’re near Plainview, CT (who isn’t?), come see me there at The Whiting House this Saturday.  Lastly, I am attempting to get Brian Wilson to sign my Beach Boys hat Wednesday, which would bring me a Jardine and a Marks away from a surviving member complete set.  Unless Jardine and Marks drive head-on into each other, in which case, I’m done!!!


November 11th, 2008 at 12:42 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Now that Obama has won the election, musician Moby says he will not be moving to Canada.  Man, I knew there was a catch.     

 

After he won, Barack Obama took time to speak with the man who engineered his drive to the White House—President Bush.

  

Last week, Jesse Jackson was caught on camera crying.  Not because of Obama, it’s just he couldn’t find an open microphone.

 

Members of the Bush Administration are already lining up new jobs.  In fact, it’s reported Condoleezza Rice could accept a position with the 49ers.  The position: quarterback.

 

In San Francisco, a measure to decriminalize prostitution was rejected by voters.  The news was met with tears, sadness and anger—and that was just Charlie Sheen.

 

Charlie Sheen is denying claims he got lap dances from strippers on a recent trip to Las Vegas.  Sheen said, “I received those lap dances from whores, and whores alone.”

 

Former NBA star Kevin Johnson was elected Mayor of Sacramento.  In related news, Dennis Rodman was named safety warden of his condo association.

                              

North Korea has been accused of faking a newly released photograph of Kim Jong Il, in hopes dispelling rumors he has failed to recover from a stroke.  I guess what gave it away was that in the picture, Kim Jong Il is shown shaking hands with the Jonas Brothers.

  

A woman was jailed in Charlotte after her antics on a United flight, when she allegedly slapped a woman on the buttocks, pulled the hair of a blind passenger and jabbed and swung at others on board.  And that was before she even gave the passengers their safety instructions.

 

In Maryland, two men were arrested for hunting illegally when they tried to bait bears with doughnuts.  Apparently, the plan backfired when the doughnuts attracted over a dozen state troopers.

 

Veteran filmmaker Woody Allen said he finds actress Scarlet Johansson “sexually overwhelming.”  Allen said “To me, she’s like a daughter.”

 

New research suggests that men with several older brothers are more likely to have feminine traits as adults.  Researchers said they formed the theory after studying the Jackson Five.

 

 

Fin


November 4th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

In California, Highway 101 was shut down due to a masked man waving an American flag and a handgun on an overpass.  The man was arrested, detained, and sent to finish out his term as Vice-President.

 

As part of their plan to assassinate Barack Obama, two white supremacists planned to dress in all white tuxedos and top hats during the attempt.  The men have been charged with conspiracy to murder and attempted puttin’ on of the Ritz.

 

The Associated Press ran a story, asking if it was possible for Barack Obama to win the popular vote, but lose the electoral vote.  To which Al Gore said:

“HELLO???”

 

On Monday, John McCain called Barack Obama the “redistributor.”  Said McCain, “What better way to set myself apart from President Bush than to completely make up a word?”

 

Barack Obama is expected to win the presidency.  Obama said, “I’d just like to thank my disciples—I mean, supporters.”

 

Cabbage Patch Kid dolls designed to look like Barack Obama, John McCain and their running mates are being auctioned off for charity.  The McCain doll comes with its own diaper—much like the actual McCain.

 

There’s also a Joe Biden Cabbage Patch doll.  Upon seeing it, Biden said, “Holy crap, his hair’s more realistic than mine.”

 

There’s also a Sarah Palin doll.  She’s said to be hollow and wide-eyed—just like the doll.

  

Donald Trump said that he is trying to help his employees by handing them 100 dollar bills whenever he sees them.  This could also explain why Trump goes to work each day wearing a blindfold.

 

The Vatican said that candidates for the Catholic priesthood should undergo psychological test to screen out heterosexuals unable to control their sexual urges and those with strong homosexual tendencies—or, as they’re more commonly known, “people.”

 

In the latest in a series of medical problems to afflict the cast of Dancing with the Stars, professional dancer Julianne Hough had to have an appendectomy.  The news came just days after a coroner’s report revealed that Cloris Leachman actually died in 1990.

 

AC/DC released their first album in eight years through an exclusive agreement with Wal-Mart.  The band hopes the move may finally make them popular with the illusive white trash demographic.

 

Homeland security chief Michael Chertoff said there are no signs that Al Qaeda is planning an attack during the election.   Chertoff says he’s basing his information on the fact that there’s nothing about an attack listed on Al Qaeda’s Twitter.

                             

British Airways is investigating derogatory Facebook comments made by flight attendants about passengers.  In addition, the airline was also disturbed to find one of the male flight attendants was in an open relationship with the snack cart.

 

Denise Richards’ reality show “It’s Complicated” is being given a second season, but the name of the show will be changed as well as the storyline…and star.

 

A new line of Italian wines based on the hit series the Sopranos will be launched in the US this fall.  Already the most popular: Big Pussy Bordeaux.

 

The Port of Los Angeles has purchased a sophisticated X-ray scanning system made in China.  The system is designed to detect all dangerous substances, except for lead.      

 

Britney Spears’ defense attorney said the pop star was “too fragile” to appear before jurors in her recent driver’s license trial.  As a result, Captain Morgan’s has begun using a warning label which includes the phrase “May Cause Fragility.”

 

It’s been reported that the widow of Time Warner creator Steve Ross, Courtney Sales Ross is quietly asking for $62 million for her Park Avenue apartment.  In response, regular people are quietly giving Sales the finger.

 

In a recent interview, Edward Norton said that Brad Pitt would not be in the rumored “Fight Club” musical because he “can’t sing.”  Either that, or he “has dignity.”           

 

Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni was caught on camera referring to Knick fans a “bunch of assholes.”  And today, Knicks fans called him a suck-up.  Suck on that, all four of you.

 

Fin